A Menagerie of Medical Mayhem

The Last Post

2011-09-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Stephanie's Obituary in the Chico Enterprise-Record, click here

All,

As the person that Stephanie trusted as her 'CIO' to post to her wonderful blog, I wanted to let you know that Stephanie passed away at 2:30am on September 13th.

Because I don't know many of you, much less how to contact you each personally, I felt you would want to know and this was the only way for me to reach many of you.

I have been given very few details, I will pass them on to you as I was told...

She went into the hospital at 5:00p on the 12th with Pneumonia, as you know her system was weak from all the various other things she was battling. I received a call the next morning informing me that she passed overnight in a hospital in Chico, CA.

If you have questions, please post a reply here and I will try my best to reply if I can with any updates.

Please keep her in your thoughts, I know I will.

We love you and miss you Steph...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**Update: service/informal gathering for Stephanie, scattering of ashes and if you wish to make a donation 'Memorial Gift' in Stephanie's name**

There was a service on 9/17 and a gathering on 9/18 for Stephanie by family and friends.

Based on her final wishes, she has been cremated and her ashes were scattered in the San Francisco Bay on 9/28/2011. I've included 4 photos, 1 of the boat we went out on in the bay, and 3 (1 at the top) of her ashes as they were scattered. For those of you who are familiar with the area, that is the Golden Gate Bridge in the background.

Lastly, on a somewhat personal note, if you can, please make a donation to the American Cancer Society in her name. Your donation will go to research to fight the disease and to helping people who live with it daily:

https://www.cancer.org/involved/donate/donateonlinenow/index> item #2: Memorial Gift

Back in the Saddle Again...NOT

2011-09-05T12:09:00.001-07:00

See how much better my ARM looks? It's getting those nice yellowy edges just in time to go in tomorrow and get blood drawn out of the *other* ARM for this week's labs.

And, apparently, my body isn't too thrilled with this return to chemo after so long. There were far too many weeks when I was "bumped" thanks to low white cell count - as many as five, if Lloyd and I are remembering correctly - which had me wildly off schedule. Then I had to take my little unplanned three-week "vacation" from chemo while we were dealing with getting the air conditioner fixed (someone just had to be HERE - 3 different times), handling Oliver's surgery, the kids getting back home - you name it.

Well, add up all of that time away from chemo. The answer really isn't pretty.

My system is entirely freaked out now, and it seems like all I can do is either sleep, barf, sleep, lay around, or if I'm having a good time, read. I think the term is "shock to the system," don't you? I think that many weeks of no poison might have affected me a tad.

A week or two of sleeping might set me back to rights, assuming that the lab tech I see tomorrow doesn't leave me with major internal bleeding in my other arm!!!

It's "Back To ________" Time!!

2011-09-02T09:31:00.001-07:00

Insert your "Back To" item - I kinda started this a few days ago, but technical difficulties interfered... So,for the kids, this week was back to school. All three of them are in one school again, for the first time since we were back in Fremont. It's still hard to believe that Anna's in high school, for everyone, including her! I still wonder where that not-quite-seven year-old went when I look at this gorgeous young woman in front of me. She's not 100% sure how she likes high school yet, but, it was only the first day. One very positive note, in her opinion, is that not a single one of her teachers did the "you must be Conner and Trevor's sister" bit on her. That is a sure way to make a very negative first impression with her!

For me, its "Back To Chemo" time. I feel like it's been forever since I've been there, because I've had so few treatments this summer. Stupid white blood cells!! Let's hope after these 3-4 weeks I've taken off as my "chemo vacation" that all my cells of all types have had time to build themselves back up to the right levels and I can get back on track. The sad thing is, I hate not going to chemo more than going - actually, I don't dislike going at all, because then I feel like I'm doing something to fight this fucker instead of just sitting there and letting it eat me.

SOOOO, I'm sitting here jumping out of my skin when the phone rngs, afraid it's the cancer center telling me not to bother coming. Today is my pre-chemo doctor's appointment, and I really need it. My doctor is an Oncologist/Hematologist, and unless I miss my guess, that second part means "blood doctor," and I could really use one of those today. Thanks to my least-favorite phlebotomy technician, I have THIS

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decorating my arm!

Since this picture was first taken, the blood has welled up in a lump, then started to pool out further into my arm, just as my PA, Roni, said it would. Right now, it's about 4" long x 2" wide at the longest/widest points.

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It hurts like the giant bruise it is, but at least I know that too is normal, in order for the blood to slowly resorb into the tissues. My wonderful chemo nurse were suitably horrified at the sight of this booger and told me not to go back to that tech! I'm going to have to see if that's at all possible.

What a wonderful beginning to my return to chemo! Now, just wait - my next blood test will show I'm low on RED cells because half of them bled out into my arm from the last test. Surprise, surprise, surprise...

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!

2011-08-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

IT'S NOT CANCER!!!!!!!!!! My baby kitty does NOT have cancer!!

Frankly, I was so surprised when the vet told me this that I almost didn't believe her. She was actually kind of surprised too - it usually IS cancer when a growth like this shows up on a cat.

Thank the deity of your choice... This is some happy news that I really, really needed.

Greetings, Earthlings

2011-08-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

Howdy all. Nope, I haven't been abducted by aliens or some other strange fate. I just really, really haven't felt like writing anything - blog, emails, anything.

We've had an eventful last couple of weeks, in the sense that all kinds of small to medium level things have been either wrong, or just going on, and I've felt wiped out. I've actually felt the need to take an impromptu vacation from chemo in order to deal, and just to be home.

For one, our air conditioner decided to take a double crap. The first, most obvious part is fixed; the unit outside needed a new motor, and we have this neato little box with metal and heavy wiring-ish things and stuff in it, and it's freaking *melted* inside! I can literally say that the A/C had a meltdown... So, that got fixed, after much stern demanding of reasonable service appointments, not a two-week wait, but it still wasn't cooling the house very well. My intrepid husband decided to play detective and climbed in the attic and found that the cover to the big fan box up there is standing up a good four inches or more from the top of the box, and some of the ducts weren't connected right, so it was pumping cold air into the attic. The service tech comes back on Thursday.

Meanwhile, the kids came home, so there was the usual chaos of getting back, getting unpacked and getting settled back into home. And, of course, Anna had been separated from her other half/twin for the whole summer, so they weren't home a full 24 hours before we were having an extended sleepover.

Meanwhile, I took my sweet baby Oliver Pooterbug kitty into the vet last week because he'd been having some weird problems with his fur getting mats, for the first time in his life. He's not even a full longhair, more of a medium, and I've never had to brush him before - now all of a sudden, he's getting dreadlocks in his armpits. Well, Brenda examined him very thoroughly, and couldn't really find any cause for this sudden increase in dander he was having, except maybe an allergy. Checking him over so thoroughly, what she DID find was a lump on his tummy, not even as big as a pea, but almost certainly a little melanoma. ::sigh:: 'Cause, you know, we needed more cancer in the house. His surgery was yesterday, and now he's got about an inch of stitches that will be taken out in two weeks, one leg shaved in what looks almost like a poodle-cut (for the IV) with some hellacious bruises on it, and he had two rotten teeth extracted, since we agreed to the suggested tooth cleaning while he was under, and Brenda said they were seriously rotten. It could explain his atrocious breath, that's for sure.

We should hear the results of the biopsy in a few days. We've been keeping him confined in the bedroom, and not letting him into the closet (his favorite place - because we were sure he would crawl back to the farthest corner and hide) but I don't think I can keep it up much longer, because the whole "anesthesia" "groggy" thing was seriously false advertising!!! Mr. Perpetual Motion was driving us so crazy from minute one, to keep him restrained from jumping on the counter and force him to rest when we first got him home, we actually had to lock him in the shower!! You could tell he was stoned, from the look in his eyes, but it was not slowing him down ONE bit! We finally just let the dogs in and closed the bedroom door and he's been sleeping either on me or next to me pretty much the entire time since - in short, acting 100% normal. Purr, purr, cuddle, cuddle. He doesn't even act like he's in pain, but he's getting his pain meds anyway, as soon as Lloyd wakes up to help me.

And... Other than those things, I don't remember, but trust me that there's been *STUFF* going on, and there is more stuff to come, as we get closer to the kids starting school. Of course, I also have doctor's appointments, Lloyd's birthday is coming up, I'm finishing up the bathroom project & other random things around the house, and I'm not out of chemo forever. I feel like I'm doing something very wrong taking any time out at all, but we never could have got the air conditioner fixed unless I did! We were just up against a wall with needing to be in too many places at the same time. It sounds funny to say I chose air conditioning over chemo, but it's damn hot up here!

So, I think that's about it. There's nothing earth-shaking going on (except my poor kitty!), just mainly lots of minutiae to deal with and not feeling like sitting down and writing anything. The stress of anything makes my fibromyalgia just kick inti high gear, so pain has been the name of the game, and some days all I feel like doing is sitting down and falling asleep! 8•) Today I have to keep watch over my baby, so I think that's a good reason to rest...

If It Ain't One Thing ... It Sure As Hell Seems To Be Another!!!

2011-08-10T15:40:00.001-07:00

Well, with many loving thanks, my darling husband finished painting the bathroom for me.

It's finished, and the paint is curing, just in time for the air conditioner to take a crap! Doesn't that sound fun? All of you dealing with heat and/or hot flashes can sympathize. The repair-savior is s'posedly on the way.

Meanwhile, it's naptime. The access to the unit is, of course, in my closet. I have decided not to care. I sleep in front of strangers every week at chemo, so why not while one marches through my room?

Who **CARES** ?!?!?!!!
It's HOT.

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Shortest Paint Job Ever By An Idiot Who Overestimates Her Capabilities and Just About Everything Else

2011-08-08T09:14:00.001-07:00

Why do I make dumb-ass statements like this? "Shortest paint job ever," day 9/50%- Martha coulda done it in 20 minutes.

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Here we go!

2011-07-31T17:15:00.001-07:00

I finally got all the prep done, and used a brush to do a little it on each wall, just too see what looks like, if I'm happy with the color.

I'm happy! Tomorrow we load up the rollers for what I suspect will be the shortest paint job ever. Yay!

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Before.... (and eventually after)

2011-07-29T12:47:00.001-07:00

Did I need to start another of my crazy home renovation projects, that always take longer than planned; never go quite as planned; and transport me to a parallel universe while I'm working on them? Oh, and in a 5' x 7' (short wall), 8' (long wall) tiny little water closet with no ventilation at all.

The answer is probably no.
Yet....the other answer is probably yes! Things like this are good for me from time to time - something physical and creative with a finite product having been created at the end.

Wish me luck! Lime green paint, here I come! 8-P

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Quick addendum-slash-product-endorsement -
As I get started, I'm trying to be smart and get all my materials together, and plan out my project before I just dive in. (this is a new approach for me) I bought a couple of rolls of that new "Frog Tape" stuff they're advertising, and, in this new organized mode, tested it out before I had taped off the entire room. (See how good I'm being?)

Holy crap.

It actually WORKS!!! Straight lines! No paint seep! Damn!! Why didn't they have this stuff when I painted Anna's entire bedroom in alternating-height, alternating-3-color-combination sets of horizontal marine blue stripes and nearly ripped my hair out?

Anyway - Frog Tape. It's neon green. Go to the website and read the directions for using it on a textured wall, and it really, truly works.
End product endorsement.

2+2=11 or 12

2011-07-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

Well! Wasn't that a surprise! We have all always known that math is not my strong suit. Ok, math and I are not really even on speaking terms most of the time.

Last week I texted my super-brainiac kid on his vacation in NJ to ask for help figuring out the capacity of a space in cubic feet, working from the dimensions in inches, which is a perfectly acceptable thing for a math-moron like me to not know how to do. Right?

Right. But, I *have* aways thought I was capable of basic addition and subtraction.
Wrong!!!

Ever since Peadog's birthday in May, I've been going around talking about what an old girl she is, and how she needs extra pampering because she's 11 now, which is pretty old for a dog of her breed and size. And I've known perfectly well that her birthday is May 29, 1999.

YOU do the math, because apparently I'm too stupid. Lloyd pointed out to me last night that my dog is a year older than I thought she was - which is NOT welcome news, let me tell you.

Eleven was old enough, damn it! Finding out she's actually 12 is incredibly depressing, and I feel like I've just received terrible, terrible news. I want to treat her like she's made of glass all of a sudden, which is just plain stupid, but I do.

I'd better check my math on a few other things in life!

An Ode to My Neutrophils

2011-07-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

Oh, wretched little granulocytes,
You bounced me out of chemo yet again
Neutropenia keeps me from my weekly toxic cocktail
Guilt-ridden and immunosuppressed, I'm inadequate, insufficient
Don't measure up, when the leukocytes are counted

How I never dream'ed I'd miss the poison kiss!

Suppressed -
You hold me prisoner, wily neutrophils
Baby white cells,
Keep me from raw sushi, hollandaise and Caesar;
Sharing food with my love, or even a straw;
You hold me fast from kissing sick children or gardening without my gloves;
Pitching hay, drinking from rivers, or even spelunking!

Damned bat guano

And yet, tiny little leukocytes,
Do I owe you thanks?
No diaper changing or catbox cleaning for life!

Oh, 'tis a quandary all together, and one without answer,
So long as these temperamental little cells wax and wane
Mischievous smiles on their little cellular faces as they torment me

Good CT results!!!

2011-07-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

******************WOWEEEEEE******************

For *once* I have some actual GOOD scan results to report - some really good ones!

None of my nodules have ANY growth, for the first time ever, AND a couple of them showed a little bit of SHRINKAGE. Trust me, I'm as shocked as you are. I've never had any shrinkage before!

As I told Dr. Mazj, we'll stick with this chemo mixture for awhile, huh?

I'm actually plugged in to the chemo machine as I type this, so we'll go for short and sweet today. I was also very, very sick yesterday - in bed with fevers sick, sick, sleeping all day, so I'm a little late in sharing the good news, but better late than never, huh?

We now return to our regularly scheduled nap. (and the realllllly good new book I've started.....shhhhhhhh....)

HIPPO BIRDIE TO TREVOR!!!

2011-07-05T09:35:00.001-07:00

WOW, 16 years old today!

It really does seem like it was just yesterday that you were much smaller, very adorkable, and needed a whole section in your closet & drawers for your costumes - for those times when you felt like leaping through rooms with a lightsaber leading the way.

Fewer costumes and lightsabers these days, but still every bit as adorkable!! 8•)

Meanwhile, I seem to have realized that I'll be getting my CT results this afternoon. Eep. Minor anxiety attack in progress.
Making a conscious effort to breathe. Breathe.... Breathe....

Look for info here as soon as I can get it here!!

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Making fun of others...that's always good clean fun!

2011-06-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

If you are so inclined, follow in my footsteps and be rewarded by some true silliness.

Go visit http://www.printsngs.com/natgeo/search/?page=5&q=leopard&q=leopard

If the page is working right, Huzzah! View some beautiful photos of one of natures most graceful climbers and leapers.

If it's not, well....a trip through the gallery pages would have you admiring the many, divergent forms the leopard had been taking, until you reached perhaps MY favorite, in the top Left corner of page 5 where the partial caption warns us of a "snarling female leopard..."

OOOOOOOoooooohhhhh, this is the part where it really got funny, and I laughed so much that the puppies thought Mommy had finally lost it. (those few remaining bits left!)

Ahh, we all need a good giggle once in a while.
Someone at NatGeo needs to have a chat with their database folks. That's all I'm saying...

Summertime!

2011-06-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am pleased to announce that summer has finally happened. Of course, in Gridley, summer arriving means an instant switch to 100°+ temps most days, but what the hell. Rumor has it we'll be switching back to rain again sometime next week, but that only makes perfect sense in this year's weather pattern, right?

Well, like the weather this year, I've been kind of confused lately... You know, the kind of confused where you lose track of all of the appointments you have in one week, taking kids to send them off to see their mother, going to chemo, getting a CT scan..... Yes, I did manage to entirely forget that I had a CT scan scheduled for this week.

I managed to remember in just barely enough time to have Lloyd pick up the contrast mix the afternoon before, but I didn't quite manage to put the news out to all of you folks out there that I was going in to have it done. Ooops.

It's a little late now, but yes, I had a scan on Thursday morning! The scan itself went perfectly well, nothing of any interest to report, as usual. Unfortunately, I don't see Dr. Mazj until July 6 to get the results. I'm definitely not expecting anything interesting - no surprises, nothing worrisome - but of course I will post the results as soon as I get them. I think I'll be less forgetful about that!!

That is actually also the only news I have to share, too. I'm recovering from the combination of chemo and barium (yick!), recovering my taste buds, thank god, getting back into yoga as best i can, and resting when my body tells me to rest.

That's what it's telling me to do right now....I'm exhausted. So, it's nap time. Many mea culpas on forgetting to tell you all about the scan!! You're all going to forgive me, right?!

I plead chemo-brain....

Happy Daddy's Day!!!

2011-06-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

With luck, my own Daddy is probably still sleeping right now - as is my darling husband. What better way to celebrate Father's Day?! A good lie-in, as the Brits would say, followed by a good nap or three, maybe find a way for some BBQ and beer in there, and you've got a pretty damned good day, no?

Well, I think so. Oh, I almost forgot - hopefully someone is driving very fast cars in circles too. NOW Daddy's day will be complete!

I hope to get a chance to celebrate with Dad sometime soon. Today, alllllll the kids and I are going to load up into the car and go out to eat with my husband. Luckily, Father's Day falls before they have to leave for the East Coast this year so we can all do something together.

Also, I've got a couple of friends out there who are celebrating their very first Father's Day today - I hope it is incredibly special guys.

Maybe not a lot of words today, but a lot of sentiment behind the few words there are. At this point in my life, I do not know what I would do without my Daddy, I love it when he's able to come up to see me, whether we go out and find an adventure or just hang around the house -and I miss him terribly when he isn't free to come visit.

Happy Father's Day to my D.O.D.!! I miss you & I love you very much.

Pretty, pretty things!

2011-06-12T10:47:00.001-07:00

Between the incredible flowers Auntie sent for my birthday, and my beautiful young lady - no longer a little girl - dressed up for her eighth grade graduation ceremony and dance, I have been surrounded by gorgeous things lately!

Getting her ready for all of the festivities surrounding graduation has kept me insanely busy the last week, and I apologize if I still haven't written a promised email (Mom, JKB, SDS) or responded to birthdays greetings. I swear, I'm working on it. I'm trying, at least, when I'm not falling asleep on my feet.

Thus, this blog entry will be ridiculously short. I don't have any medical news of huge import yet - tomorrow I should find out if I have enough white blood cells to get chemo this week as planned. I also have a CT scheduled this month, I believe on the 23rd. I'll post the reslts of both of those things as soon as I know 'em.

More info when I have it, I promise! And when I can keep my eyes open,,,,

Relay Day & So Much More!

2011-06-04T07:51:00.001-07:00

Many of you know that my Relay for Life In The Rain And Wind And Mud is today, but I thought I'd fill you in on some other news while I try to wake up this early, ugly gray morning. Conner had to get up and out early for his SAT this morning, so I think some sort of sixth sense woke me up so I could fuss over him about sharpened pencils and granola bars.

And, today is our SIXTH wedding anniversary, as you can see by the gorgeous burst of spring flowers that arrived yesterday afternoon! As I told Lloyd then, sometimes it doesn't feel at all like we've been married for six years, that our wedding was that long ago...and sometimes, it just feels like forever, not in the bad way, but in the way that it feels like there was just never a time when we weren't together.

Technically, the traditional anniversary gifts for a sixth are iron (traditional) or wood (modern) but I'm pretty happy with flowers all the way around!!

In other news.... I got booted out of chemo this week again because

------>(after several hours of sitting there while Helen tried to get blood from my port - both to do my labs with & because they always test; no blood return equals no meds going into the actual vein - pushing about a dozen syringes of saline thru, making my heart rather fluttery & unsure of just what in hell to do with all of this fluid & thus making me very lightheaded and faint as I lay there waiting for the lab tech to come puncture me in the arm to draw my labs, and for the syringe of CathFlow enzyme to go thru my port, ostensibly clearing it out for the chemo to get in, which didn't actualy work, we found out when it had marinated long enough and she STILL couldn't pull any blood out of it; meanwhile the lab results came back, and after all of that, they discovered)----->

I have severe neutropenia again

------>(this being the shortage of white blood cells; specifically the WBCs known as neutrophils, the "baby" whites which I guess are most important of all)----->

with an overall WBC count of 2.1 (3.2-10.6 =N) & a neutrophil count of 0.3 (1.5-6.5 =N), which is kinda sorta REALLY low. Kopeks. <-------LOLOLOL.
(I left that in for humor. I *typed* "oopsie" and that's what I got. That might be my new swear word. Kopeks!! I wonder what the hell it means...)

ANYWAY......
My oncologist and long-suffering nurses, who could very likely be seen at today's event, would if asked, probably have expressly forbidden me from attending large, publicly germ-ridden events, rain and mud or no rain and mud, but it honestly didn't occur to me to ask. It apparently didn't occur to them to bring it up. Kopeks again! Well, hell, how can it be worse than a house full of rotating teenagers?

Well, I probably should be asking the assorted spare teens (not to mention my own!!) to santize and mask up if necessary, and I should probably be carrying a few masks today, lest a stray oncologist catches sight of me, bundled in my "fight like a girl" long-sleeve tee, appropriate event tee of the hour (I think I have three), "fight like a girl" hoodie, rainproof jacket of some sort and giant rainbow'd golf umbrella. Come to think of it, I should be easy to spot. I'll be the one waddling down the track like like a pregnant goose.

A wet goose.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Kopeks: 1/100 of a Ruble. I knew I'd heard that word somewhere.

Relay, & the Bestest Friends Ever!

2011-06-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

For those who still might not know, I'm participating in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life this coming weekend up in Paradise, where my cancer center is located. I'm placing the same blog entry here, and on my personal Relay for Life page, IF the goddamned thing ever lets me. Please excuse the duplication, if there is one, but I wanted to make sure I reached everyone out there. (their little blog app isn't quite working, like several other parts of their site....::sigh::...)

Anyway: Wowee guys!! You have *really* stepped up to the plate. I am overwhelmed with the support I'm getting for Relay. Then again, I shouldn't be, because you guys are here for me all the time, no matter what I need.

I just want to thank you all very sincerely for your donations to my Relay. As a cancer patient, you so often feel helpless. Powerless. I've said it myself, that cancer steals your dignity. Show up at the hospital, drop your pants, and drop your dignity at the door.

Well, thankfully, that's not always true, and lord knows the fantastic staff at FRH try their best to make sure it isn't like that, but it sure feels that way a lot of the time. Relay changes that feeling. It gives me something I can DO to fight back against this b'strd of a disease, for myself ands many others.

And for me, this fight has never really been about myself. I've always felt more worried about the impact on my family and friends than myself. And I'm a bit of a worrier, in case we've never met. ;-)

Well, this feeling of empowerment is new and different, let me tell you! There is finally something real and tangible I can do to help prevent other families, other people's friends from going through this hell.

And it's not one bit ironic that the ACS slogan talks about creating a world with "more birthdays" when I've been saying for a year and a half now that I will be one rare woman who actually likes to grow older each year. It's even LESS ironic that our Relay takes place four days before my 40th birthday. ;-)

I hope I can help many more people reach those milestones. Relay is something so simple - just walking a few laps around a track - and it can do so much. That is the most powerful feeling I've had since learning I had cancer.

Thank you all, so, so much, for being part of my Relay, my battle with cancer, and more than anything, my life. I love you all very, very much!!

And now, my Relay for Life appeal...

2011-05-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

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It's time for my blatant appeal for donations:

I'm participating in Relay for Life, an event that helps the American Cancer Society make a meaningful difference in the fight against cancer. This is close to my heart & any donation you could make, no matter how small, would make a big difference in the fight.

Visit my personal Relay page at http://tinyurl.com/3odqz2g
Thank you!!!♥

**********************************
The American Cancer Society - 2011 Relay For Life of Paradise CA:
main.acsevents.org

The American Cancer Society Relay For Life is a life-changing event that gives everyone in communities across the globe a chance to celebrate the lives of people who have battled cancer, remember loved ones lost, and fight back against the disease. At Relay, teams of people camp out at a local high school, park, or fairground and take turns walking or running around a track or path. Each team is asked to have a representative on the track at all times during the event. Relays are 24 hours in length; representing the reality that cancer never sleeps. By participating, you honor cancer survivors, pay tribute to the lives we've lost to the disease, and raise money to help fight cancer in your community.

Relay began in 1985 when Dr. Gordy Klatt, a colorectal surgeon in Tacoma, Washington, ran and walked around a track for 24 hours to raise money for the American Cancer Society. Since then, Relay has grown from a single man’s passion to fight cancer into the world’s largest movement to end the disease. For more information, visit our Relay For Life information page.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?sid=1030&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=31732

Many A Grey Day in May

2011-05-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

You really don't expect winter storm warnings and dropping snow levels in your nightly weather report midway through May!! One day, I'm outside on my patio swing, thinking it was too hot to stay out very long. The next, I'm drying dogs off with bath towels, because they got soaked just going out to go potty. This isn't our normal weather this time of year, let me tell you.

I know that isn't a good excuse for being absent so much lately, but I do count it as one of the reasons. I've had some trouble getting used to the new protocol, side effects and the whole hoopla.

On the plus side, I've also been working on all kinds of things around the house, things I used to love to do, like sewing, knitting, indoor gardening and even some cooking. The sewing has really been the most fun. So, not all of my absence is because I'm laying in bed, I promise - and if I •am• laying in bed, it's quite likely I'm laying there with my nose in a book and the rest of the universe on hold. I've been reading some stuff lately that has been so good that I resent other tasks, like the minutiae of daily living, that take me away from the book!

{One recent recommendation is "Lost on Planet China," by J. Maarten Troost. I'd read his first book, in which the author follows his then-girlfriend Sylvia to the very, very remote island atoll of Kiribati, where she works in international relations, and he attempts (with varying degrees of success) to write a novel and to pass himself off as Sylvia's husband. That book was funny, and informative. "Planet China" the book took my entire complement of acquired knowledge about planet China the country, turned it upside down and shook it almost violently, until it was good and mixed and didn't remotely resemble what I'd started with - and made me laugh hysterically along the way. I was almost surprised how I never wanted to put the book down, ever--and how hilarious it was throughout, even though it was more educational and fact-packed than some texts I've read! *Great* book!!! And this was his third book - I'm reading number two right now}

We got a lucky break in the weather when Daddy came up this past week, and it was bright, sunny and gorgeous, but not overly warm. In short, perfect. After an unplanned morning detour to take a young lady to the doctor for a UTI that he described by spreading his hands as far apart as they could go. I took that to mean it was a pretty mondo infection. So, got her some meds, and then the three of us went out to lunch at Casa Lupe. That was a nice, rare treat - going out with just me, Daddy and Anna. The two of them have a pretty strong mutual admiration society going, so it really was cool for the three of us.

After that, we tucked the munchkin under a blanket and a few dogs on the couch, and Daddy & I headed up to Chico to do a little exploring. The whole time I've lived up here, I've never managed to make it out to Bidwell Park, pretty much unanimously regarded as the gem of the entire area, and to the Sycamore Pool; regarded by me as the gem of Bidwell Park.

"Bidwell Park … was established July 10, 1905 through the donation by Annie Bidwell (widow of Chico's founder, John Bidwell) of approximately 2,500 acres of land to the City of Chico. Since that time, the City has purchased additional land, such as Cedar Grove in 1922, and 1,200 acres in upper Bidwell Park in 1995. Today, the total Park size is 3,670 acres, nearly 11 miles in length, making it the third largest municipal park in California and one of the 25 largest city parks in the United States.

Bidwell Park is "divided" by Manzanita Avenue. The area west of Manzanita Avenue is referred to as Lower Park and the area to the east is referred to as Middle and Upper Park. Middle Park extends from Manzanita to a point roughly equal to the upstream edge of the Chico Municipal Golf Course. Upper Park is located in the foothills of the Cascade Mountains. It has steep terrain and shallow soils… Lower Park is flat and level with a deep soil structure supporting a thick canopy of trees which provide ample shade for the visitor.… Sycamore Pool [is] located in the One Mile Recreation Area. The pool was constructed in the late 1920s and provides a unique swimming experience because its concrete decks, walls, and bottom are built to contain Big Chico Creek as it flows through the park. A dam and fish ladder at one end allow control of the creek's flow. The dam is raised and lifeguards are present from Memorial Day to Labor Day of each year. " - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidwell_Park

Bidwell is, in short, gorgeous. I loved it, and I can only imagine if I were one of the countless Chico State students living with this as my backyard, well, I'd spend a lot of time out in the yard. We were lucky enough to be there before they put up the dam, so the water was no more than a couple feet deep at any given point. I puttered and waded a bit, and eventually, we got either brave or foolish and decided to attempt a crossing. Knee deep water and one HELL of a current made us wonder about our decision making skills once or twice, but we made it. Goodness knows I've spent more than my share of time hip-deep in streams, but those had topography, variation, something to grab your little toesies onto - this was a flat, algae and tiny bit of mud covered expanse of cement with no toeholds!!

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Ok. I started writing this on May 15. One part of the problem is this beautiful fuzzlebug who plops into my lap every time I start typing. But this is really getting silly... Since starting this, I've had... my great visit with Daddy, destined to be my last for quite some time, which leaves me very, very depressed; my latest chemo visit, which would have been fairly unremarkable had Aimee not come to visit, talk about plans for Relay for Life (you can all go contribute to this very important American Cancer Society fundraiser on my personal page at http://tinyurl.com/3odqz2g) & drive me home and watch the TORNADOES touching down in my county and those neighboring (this was quite exciting-slash-terrifying, let me tell you!); the scheduling of my next CT scan for June 23 (urgh); and the very unexpected, very cool phone call out of the blue from an old friend I haven't heard from in the better part of a decade.

Needless to say, a lot has happened, and my blogging has lagged far behind! Ok, I admit it, I suck. So, I'm just going to cut things off here before this becomes an even longer-duration writing!! Whew!

Definition: Generation Gap

2011-05-08T02:37:00.000-07:00

I have now, just now, like, just right now at some god-awful hour of the early am when neither my darling husband or I can sleep, learned what a generation gap actually is.

I just learned that Grace Kelly's family (yes, that Grace Kelly) paid her soon-to-be husband, Prince Ranier Grimaldi (yes, he is that kind of a prince) a $2 million DOWRY to take her hand in marriage, and I was HORRIFIED.

My darling husband actually already knew this fascinating little factoid and considered it totally unremarkable.

That, my dear friends, is a generation gap!!

And for those of you who have never before needed to know, a dowry, or "bride price," is a sum of cash, goods, textiles, land, livestock, or some combination thereof that is paid by the father/family of the bride to the groom/family of the groom in return for his marrying their daughter. This all goes back to the women as property/chattel concept, which is, of course, still in full effect in way too many parts of the world.

Grace Kelly.
How many men, then or now, would happily fork over $2M for the honor of marrying her, instead of it being the other way around? Hmm??? I think HRH Grimaldi was damned lucky that the Kellys were frigging gullible as all hell. Whoever told Princess Grace (and has any woman had a more fitting name?!) that she needed to pay someone to marry her deserves a spanking.

At least. Sheesh!

Still hanging in … barely

2011-05-01T02:20:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming the worst blogger ever! I don't keep up very well lately, but I also haven't had a •lot• to talk about other than sickness and pain.

Having Auntie, Daddy and Josh come up was a fantastic break from he ordinary. Lloyd and the boys went south to see Pop, and my gang came north to see Anna and I. Just having them HERE was all I needed, even if it is boring for them. I was supposed to be reesting and building up those white cells, so I tried to do just that. Auntie helped a lot with that, making sure I took my naps and sat my ass on the couch more than not. We did, of course, make a trip to the brewery for lunch, which is always the highlight of the trip.

Meanwhile, the main thing I've been doing is being in a lot of pain or feeling sick, which are two topics I really don't like to write about much! They're just oh-so-not-cheery!

Monday, I see Andy, and get my labs done; Tuesday I see Roni and find out if my lab values entitle me to come for chemo on Wednesday, or if I have to get another series of booster shots and start the whole process over again.

Happy happy joy joy!

Otherwise, trying to get out of bed is a challenge most days, 'cause when my feet hit the ground, they suddenly don't seem interested in holding me up. I've been trying to yoga-out some of the worst kinks, but today, it's just as if someone is sticking bamboo skewers into my hip (worst) & various other random parts of my body. I just can't imagine that it's at all interesting to read about someone describing her various aches and pains.

Of course, it's even less interesting to have them! Well, perhaps that's incorrect - it can indeed be interesting, but it is by no means fun!! I'll be damned if I'm going to become one of those (prematurely-) old ladies who does nothing but whine about her aches and pains to anyone she can corner. See, all y'all have he ability to just *CLICK* your way to greener pastures if I get to morose and whiny,

The funny thing is, despite the humongous amount of pain that I'm in, I've also got spring fever something fierce. Lloyd and I have been talking all morning about putting in the front garden (as long as he de-toads it for me first) and putting up my patio swing. I'm just dying to be out in this gorgeous weather, and yet walking to the bathroom is excruciating. Maybe Sparky would like to go for a scooter walk …

So, that's about all. You really haven't missed a single thing! There just hasn't been anything happening. We did take some photos at the Brewery, so I'll have to hit the laptop downstairs and put those up. Otherwise..........pain, dogs, doctors, cats, chemo, naps.... Kinda sounds like fodder for a really bad country song, huh?!

Happy Bunny Day!

2011-04-24T01:03:00.001-07:00

I'm so tired that I think it hurts to sleep, much less blog...

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Oops... I was so tired I forgot to even finish the blog post! I'm alive and borderline-well, if manic-insomniac (except between the hours of 4 and 8pm of course) and taking my expensive antibiotics like a good girl while I try to build up enough neutrophils to get chemo in a week and a half.

Note to self, and any interested relatives: Tell me to get labs done Monday or Tuesday.

I know I've been very absent, here, Facebook, and even a certain Scrabble game, but it just seems that I either have too much to do that I HAVE to do, or if I have free time that I plan to use catching up with friends, no matter what time of the day or night, THAT will be the moment I conk out. Like I did before I somehow published this mess of an entry!

So far, I've managed to fall asleep writing this particular entry at least four times by last count. I'm going to finally quit while I'm ahead. Auntie, Dad & Josh are here to keep me company while the guys are on their trip, so I'm happy as a clam!

Stupid shitty crappy defective blood

2011-04-18T16:20:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooooooo, we did NOT have chemo today.

After all of the running about all morning, leading us up the mountain bit by bit, once we finally get there, I failed my damned blood test. Blood tests are usually easy. I've never failed one before, and certainly not so spectacularly.

Those nice little baby white blood cells that your bone marrow makes, which I guess are the really important ones — the normal sample range was between 1.5 and 6.5 (don't ask me 6.5 what, I have no idea) and MINE were 0.8 Oops. There was another count almost as low.

I've been sentenced to two weeks off chemo, a series of three shots of something, and we'll see what else when Dr. Mazj gets ahold of me.

I need a nap now.

Hippity Hop!

2011-04-18T07:06:00.001-07:00

Hello, Spring? Is that you I saw peeking out from between the rainclouds? Maybe?

Oh, I sure as hell hope so. My little bunny rabbit isn't the only one who's getting cabin fever and itchy paws, pining for sunshine, warm grass, and hours reading in the patio swing. We've had some tiny pockets of nice weather here and there, and it really does bring on the Spring fever!

The doggies have enjoyed the few times I've been able to turn them out in the yard to run in circles or race full-tilt from one end of the lawn to the other and back (Stella), stretch out on the warm concrete and roll in the warm grass (Pea) and eat the warm grass (Sparky). Sparky is a little confused sometimes.

With Easter literally just around the corner now, I can only hope the weather decides to get on board for us. Easter week is extra-super-duper special now, and I want nice weather!!

See, Lloyd is taking the boys on a guy road trip down to see Pop, Kenny and DeDe in Shell Beach, leaving me and Anna to man the fort. They want to have good weather for some hiking/walking around the lighthouse where Ken is a volunteer, kayaking, stuff lke that. They've got all kinds of neat stuff to go do down there, and I was actually getting jealous.

{Stop! Wait! Insert great auto-correct here: It's not as if ima crisply capable}

What I was trying to say was that it's not as if I'm actually capable, not crisply, actually capable of doing things like kayaking and climbing lighthouses, but still - road trip, OCEAN, you know.

And then, the cavalry came riding to the rescue. Er, well, the cavalry *told* me they'd be riding to the rescue. Same thing.
SO, while the boys head south to go play, Auntie and Josh and Daddy are heading north to come play with me and Anna! I absolutely could not be happier!! Instead of us rattling around here on our own, now it's a party! Now I need some nice weather up here too, since Josh has only been up once, in the dead of ugly, ugly winter, and I'd love to show him how pretty it really is up here when you can go outdoors and play.

AND, yes, everyone involved feels better now that there will be qualified adults babysitting ME while Lloyd is gone. I couldn't ask for a better helper than Anna, ever, but it is still a relief that we don't have to handle every last single thing on our own, and these are the three most qualified adult babysitters possible. I can go take a long nap knowing that she's not alone - that takes the world off my chest!

Well, I simply have the best cavalry in the cavalry business.

Chemo today, sigh, but a short one. How short, I couldn't tell you. This is still my first cycle with these new drugs. There's one long day and one short, but I'm not certain on the timing for either. Today is a busy day - before chemo, I get my teeth installed!!! Isn't that exciting?!! I never in my life dreamed I'd be so thrilled about dentures at 40, but considering the very painful alternatives I've been living with since the chemo started leaching my calcium and eating my enamel.....well, it's been a hard road of soft food. We all want to go over to the Sierra Nevada Brewery for a lunch or dinner while everyone's here, so I'm hoping that my very tender and sore mouth and gums have healed and adapted to their new appliances in time that I can order something maye a little more interesting than most of my recent choices. We shall see.

Off to get ready, and to count the days till the party starts!!

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HIPPO BIRDIE TO DADDY!!!

2011-04-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

. . . Dear Daddy!!!!

C'mon, he's a pretty special Daddy, you gotta admit. He deserves the best birthday in the entire world, spaceships and zebras, miracles and whatever else Daddies wish for on their birthday. I'll do what I can.

Love you Daddy! I can't wait to see you!

The morning bedscape...

2011-04-08T09:29:00.001-07:00

It's kinds hard to see, but, clockwise from the top left/middle, we have a 65# Stella puppy wrapped in her blankie, because she was cold; a sweet spotty Sparky; the ears of a Pooter-fuzzle; me under Pooter; the Peadog; and an implication of a husband, under the blankets.

And people wonder why we think "king" is far too small a size for a bed! It's...cozy...

Well, day 2 post-transfusion and you know what Cin? You're right... I think I kinda feel better! I had a hellacious bug beforehand, along with the usual chemo, cancer & fibro aches, and the truth is, while I'm not dancing, I feel somewhat decent. That's a big deal for me! I'd ask Dr. Mazj to set me up with one of these more often, buy I suspect they are not cheap, and I suspect Medi-Cal would not like that much.

Speaking of my fantastic doctor, I was really kind of shocked last week to find out it was his birthday...his 40th birthday!!!!!!!

He's the same age as me! That just feels so weird. I hope he made very good use of all that time *I* spent in nightclubs, concerts and following bands around, because I sure didnt! If that makes sense.

Anyway, new blood, even that small amount of it, seems to have done me some good.

Now, if only something could do some of those fucked-up, idiotic, dimwitted, moronic, self-absorbed, pompous, clueless, asswipes in all three or four or twelve parties in Washington HALF as much good, so they would quit using the very real lives of the people who elected them as bargaining chips in some sort of ideological/idiotic war and get off their fat, over-paid asses and do the jobs they were hired to do - BY WORKING TOGETHER.

Some of us live on Social Security, assholes.

Sorry. It needed to be said.

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CRAP!!! Pt I. Apologies all around; & Pt. II. Bloooooooooood!

2011-04-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

OOOOOOK, I really stepped in it this time.

When I got my CT results, I was in a hurry, and very hurriedly emailed them to the folks closest to me - you know, Mom, Dad, etc., - and somehow in my fucked-up (yet amazingly tumor-free!) brain I thought I had also posted them to the blog.

It took me until right now to figure out that I hadn't.

Oh, I am SO sorry!!!! I know that I have a huge group of incredible, supportive people out there who go to this blog for all the update - as it should be - and I really screwed up. I've been skipping along, la-di-da, thinking I had informed everyone, right on schedule, and by NO means do I want to imply that anyone is less important than anyone else. I just screwed up, and I feel horrible about it!

SO....

What has happened is what I described as scenario C on my blog entry below. The topotecan chemo drug apparently did shit to the tumor nodules, and the little fuckers decided to grow some. I guess they liked it & thought it was yummy.

The largest nodule is still ridiculously small, as far as I'm concerned. But, it's 18mm, and it's neighbor is 14mm.

It's not little enough for Dr. Mazj. He is very unhappy with the little shits. He's changed my chemo treatment again, which means that I am on two drugs again - Cisplatin, which was my very first chemo drug, way back when; and something new called Gemzar. I will have chemo two weeks on and 1 week off, starting next Monday. It was s'posed to start yesterday, but I am really god-awful sick with some horror show virus that brings the biggest, full-mouth cold sores you have ever seen.

The sessions with Cisplatin are going to be very long, all day affairs, but in some, where I get Gemzar alone, it will be a pretty short. I'm a little confused as to which is which, but I'm sure I'll figure it out along the way.

And I think in some sessions I get both. And apparently, the day after each chemo session, I will be getting some Neulasta (white cell booster) and a red cell booster in the form of either Procrit or Ferrlecit. I still have some questions about that.

Dr. Mazj also wants me to consider some clinical trials. Having been a trial patient in the past, i know what kind of chaos it is. But, I will give them full consideration like I said I would. At least I know what to look for in the trial paperwork.

I'm keeping one thing very much in mind: This news could have been much, much, much worse. It's not great, but it could have been MUCH worse.

SO!! All of that being said.... As I mentioned, I'm sick. I've got the virus with the cold sores, and a few slight on and off fevers. I've got something nasty in my chest which involves multicolored goop, for which I've been ordered on to antibiotics. AND, apparently one or two types of blood counts are low, and Dr. Mazj is NOT pleased, so for once, instead of just taking my blood, they're actually going to give me some.

I went up today for a quick draw so they could do the type and cross required for a transfusion, I'm all labeled now, and I'm to be there at the hospital tomorrow at 9 am for a five-hour transfusion. Doesn't that sound like fun? Whee! I guess I'll get in some good reading or napping time!

And speaking of napping, I am very late getting started on THAT today too, so off I go. I think I've caught up here, and I am truly sorry for the omission. My body says it's time to rest now....
xoxoxo

Wellllll, here we go again...

2011-03-31T03:13:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, the very early am before the latest CT result appointment.

A couple of hours ago, I really would have told you I wasn't terribly concerned - and I wasn't. I still don't *feel* concerned, worried, whatever, but it's 3:30 am, my first attempt at sleeping was a complete waste of time, and here I am. I really am interested in the results of this one in a *very-almost" clinical way.

Up through my previous test, I'd been receiving a drug called Taxol. Each scan showed very slight growth on the nodules, but nothing "medically significant," in their parlance. Well, that either meant the drug was keeping the nodes from growing more than a teeny bit, or it meant it was doing absolutely nothing at all, and the nodules would have grown that much anyway.

So, right after the last scan, we switched to a new drug, Topotecan. I've been on that once a week; three weeks on, one week off, since the beginning (some typo I just made converted "beginning" into "stinking.". This entertains me to no end!!!) {sorry -} of the calendar year, and this will be the first test to see if it's actually done anything.

As I see it, there are basically three possible outcome/inference sets to this test.
A) a marked, "medically significant" reduction in the size or number of nodules in the lung, which would lead us to infer that the Topotecan is working quite well.
B) a small, not "medically significant" growth in either the size and/or number of the nodules, which would leave us once again unsure if the drug was working, in keeping the growth minimal; or not working at all, letting the cancer move at it's own snail-y pace.
Or
C) a marked, very significant (medically or otherwise!) growth in size or number of the nodules in the lungs, or worse (yes, there *is* a "worse!"), spread of the cancer to any other part of my body. That is the worst result I can imagine.

Yes, that is the worst possible outcome, which was why I was so terrified of the brain scan.

SO, it is now time for me to go get showered and lovely for my drive up the mountain. It's starting to be my favorite time of year to make the drive - the hills are all lush green, and the wildflowers are starting to pop out everywhere, like brushstrokes of color splashed on the dark green backdrop. If I can ever remember to hunt for a good stopping and parking place near where I can see anything - and if I can FIND such a thing, I will try my damnedest to get some good pictures this year. It is better in person though, hint, hint....so you should come visit to see for yourself. 8•)

Off to get ready - appointment at 11:15, and I promise to text, tweet, blog and Facebook my test results as soon as I get 'em. Gotta love having WiF at the cancer center!!

Water, water, water...

2011-03-28T08:54:00.001-07:00

This is the flood plain for the Sacramento River near Andy's office.
We normally come from that direction, but large parts of the road we take are rather underwater at the moment. We had to come the long way today...but of course we had to go look at the flood!

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Braaaaaaaiiiiiins!

2011-03-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

Zombies around the world, rejoice!

My brain has been certified clean and tumor free! Yes, I'm as shocked as some of you are.

As I'd posted before, I wasn't supposed to get to know that yet - but, a fantastic chemo nurse happened to notice that the results were in my file, and since they were positive-happy/negative-nothing in there, she called the doctor at his conference to get permission to share them with me in his absence.

She assured me that the rest of the test results (the chest/abdomen/pelvis scan) were not in the file, and most likely would take at least a couple more days. I can deal with that.

I don't actually have another single thing to share right now, but I really don't care. I'm thrilled to have those test results already - and not be waiting until the 31st to find out - and otherwise, I'm just trying to get through the post-chemo ickies. I feel pretty icky. I woke up on my own about an hour early from my nap, and I strongly wish I hadn't. The headache is *bad* and the body aches are absolutely *vicious* AND a certain kitty cat thinks I'm a jungle gym to be walked all over.

Time for some more resting. BOOO for pain, but YAY for a tumor-free brain!

No news is no news

2011-03-25T10:46:00.001-07:00

Look, Easter egg condoms!!

Dr. Mazj is out- yesterday & today. Thus, there will be no learning of CT results today, or probably any time.before my appt on the 31st. Ah, well.

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Wild weather and mundane updates!

2011-03-25T07:01:00.001-07:00

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Well, we didn't get quite the exciting tornados and .5" hail that towns within a half hour's drive caught, but it's been interesting around here nonetheless! Yesterday, we were getting wind gusts anywhere up to 70mph, and WE, lucky us, go to go drive around in it.

Our first stop was the dentist, to have my final fitting for my neato new set of teeth. I thought I was taking them home... And when Katie told me I wasn't, I actually almost cried. It's been a very long trip, this dental odyssey. I think I started this back in October - or was it November? Anyway, its been a lomg trip of extractions, filling, root canal-ing, crowns, temporary teeth and impressions, and I am SOOOOOO excited at the thought of being finally done. Being finally done will mean that (after a short -hopefully - acclimation process), I will actually be ale to eat like a normal person again! I might be able to go back to doing things like eating three apples a day, and having carrots for snacks, and making little dishes of warm mixed nuts to munch on, put my popcorn maker back into use.........oh, so many things!

But I have to wait. Almost a whole month more, I have to wait. All of this makes me very sad.

So, next order of business was getting some food before we went up the mountain, into the unknown manifestation of the storm, at the higher altitude. I was really upset after the dentist, didn't feel much like eating, didn't care what I ate, so Lloyd picked Arby's. While we were still waiting to be served, my phone rings - it's the cancer center telling me they have no power. So much for chemo!!

Since our need to hurry was gone, we ditched Arby's, and tried a new Mexican place we'd seen on tv (La Comida, Oroville) and then took me and my piss-poor mood home to bed. I needed that.

Comfy, squishy fuzzy kitty always helps too.
Oliver is my bedroom cat. He takes every chance to snuggle in bed. Then when he's done snuggling he climbs up my pillows and curls up there behind my head, blends in with the stuffed animals and goes to sleep.

Unfortunately, during my nap, I manage to have a big whopping sleepwalking/talking/whatever incident, and Lloyd tells me it was a doozie. That makes me really wonder about a connection between the level of my anxiety and stress & the having of and level of these nocturnal crazy fits. Yesterday I was at least a level 8 or 9 on the scale yesterday, between the teeth and not going to chemo

Ok....on to the important stuff.... Yes, I did have my CT, scanned from pelvis, abdomen, chest and head. I'm going to guess that my neck was somewhere in there too. You could say that I'm a tad nervous about the results.

Not going to chemo meant no possibility of finding out yesterday. I'm rescheduled for this am, but I think my doc is off today. The whole place shuts down early on Fridays.

So, time to go get dressed and enjoy my insanely high level of anxiety and stress!!!!

There is lots more to say here, about many more things, but time was limited and I had to get out the test non-update and such. Besides, I need more time to think.... I will try to write more from chemo, and try to address some of the issues that have been coming up on here.
For now, I'm outta here. 8•)

Nothing to fear but fear itself, and running out of Xanax

2011-03-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

Except maybe earthquakes, tsunamis, brain CTs, possible cluster headaches, and the idea that cancer could even possibly move to your brain.

Yes, boys and girls, it's been a very busy, newsy news week this week. The gerbils who run the prescription TAR department at the lovely agency which is paying for my cancer treatment decided I should deal with everything for about 2, 3 weeks sans anxiety medicine. Isn't that fun, boys and girls? Cold-turkey Xanax withdrawal plus worrisome symptoms to discuss with my doctor... Well, let's just say that as soon as I was done outlining my current life & worries for Dr. Mazj, he made sure he ordered up a nice dose of Anxiety-B-Gone(tm) to be shot into my IV just as soon as I had an IV running. He is a wonderful doctor. Thank the pagan deity of your choice that I'd been back on my usual dose for a whole two days before Godzilla started stomping around in Japan.

{insert a week of bad, bad procrastination here}

So, after yet another chemo, durng which I was falling asleep trying to write this, here I am with an actual blog entry, with actual information to share.
It's CT time again!!..

The appointment is on the 23rd and I have an appointment with Dr, Mazj far too many days after that to learn my fate - not till the 31st.

What's very, very different this time, and rather noteworthy, Is that my scan will cover not just pelvis, abdomen and chest, but will also go up to do a full brain scan. Yes, I said brain.

We all know I've been having some nice little weirdness with sleepwalking, or just space- walking, not remembering anything, and generally acting like I've totally lost it in countless embarrassing ways. I've also been having some very nasty headaches that are somewhere between migraines and cluster-headaches. My grandfather had clusters, and I've seen firsthand how scary they are.

We also all know that many cancers have a nasty habit of spreading to the brain, and unfortunately, mine is one of them.

That's why this has been so hard to write, and taken me so long to post. This is one scan I don't want to have. My grandfather also had cancer; actually both of them did; but the grandpa I was closest to devastated me most. I saw his cancer spread from his lungs to his brain, so you can see where my fears come from. It's too close for comfort.

I'm not sure how many times during this little adventure I've felt deep, outright terror - more than a few. This is one of them. I do not want to have this scan. I do not want to hear the results of this scan.

I do not want to have to tell all of you the results of this scan if they are bad. That is the worst, worst, worst part of the entire thing... But I will have the scan and I will tell the truth. It's just so much fun having your life in so many other people's hands.
Fuck.

The last one, promise

2011-03-15T13:39:00.001-07:00

Hey, *having* hair is a big deal!

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And more...

2011-03-15T13:37:00.001-07:00

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More hair...

2011-03-15T13:36:00.001-07:00

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A cold puppy & a big question

2011-02-27T09:11:00.001-08:00

Ok, there's the cold puppy!

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Charlie Brown & Snoopy always maintained that happiness was a warm puppy, so I had to wrap mine up in a blankie after she went out to get the paper in the gorgeously clear 40° sunshine this morning. About an hour and a half later, she's still there, quite content.

Now onto my big question. This is going to take some setting up and backstory, so bear with me for a while here.

Part one - about a month or so back (definitely after Christmas, so mid-Jan, tops) there was a story on the news about a local girl who had cancer as well as several other disabilities and had had her wheelchair stolen when her mother's car was stolen. The story centered on how the loss of the chair was more than just the loss of her mobility - it was the loss if her freedom to go places with her mother and be out of the house. I can't remember how old she was - I'm thinking maybe 11 or 13 or somewhere in there - but I remember how she looked and sounded in the piece.

That is the important part. She looked and sounded as "well" as any person with multiple disabilities, but she was alert, and seemed "fine," for lack of a better word, wanting to get her wheels back so she could go out places with her mom. Totally fine.

Now, of course, within a day or two, a kind person in the community gave her a new set of wheels, a chair better and nicer than the one she'd lost, but that's not really germane.

The important part of this story is that there was another follow-up story about her on the news this week. She DIED. Died!

A month or two ago, she looked totally fine and now she's gone.

Part two - On January 21, a friend emailed me on Facebook letting me know that her father had also been diagnosed with stage IV cancer, just like me. (I don't know what kind though) By February 5, her Facebook wall was covered in condolence messages. He passed away within two weeks of getting a diagnosis. Two weeks.

By now, I'm quite sure you all know that I write this blog very candidly, and talk about big icky subjects like death very candidly. That's not to imply any disrespect to anyone or lack of empathy; it's simply the way I have to talk about these things, because they are so close to my own life.

So, can you see where this is going?

My big question is, How do you know you're dying?
Seriously. If it can happen so quickly (I'm really talking about cancer patients specifically here), relative to feeling "fine," then how do you know? What does it feel like? Do you experience some sort of very obvious change or symptom or feeling that tells you, "Ok, this is it?"

These are things I need to know!

I always figured it would be something pretty gradual (obvious, but gradual; and again, talking about cancer) where you'd start to decline, and then you'd know that it was time to start writing all those letters, giving some stuff away, paying your way into the Neptune Society - you know, getting your affairs in order.

Of course, I'm well aware that any of us could be hit by a beer truck or a piece of green ice falling from a 747 at any moment, and that would be that, over and done, but I really did think cancer was different.

And, of course, I'm well aware that I'm not going to get an answer to this question; or at least not one that I like. But this is what's on my mind right now - wondering if I should start writing those letters. Just in case.

"On generator... "

2011-02-25T08:01:00.001-08:00

Well, It's coming down now! They cancelled all surgeries, but *I* get to go in on generator power.

Oh, whee.

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Snow!

2011-02-25T07:34:00.001-08:00

If ya gotta go get things shoved up your butt, at least some pretty snow is nice. I tried an angel with very little luck.

However, luckily, the nasty nurse I got at first was just sent away and replaced with a nice one. Whew.

See all y'all on the other side!

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Arrrgh!

2011-02-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, I owe you guys a much better blog entry than you're going to get tonight. I promise to keep trying to get there...maybe during chemo?

To sum things up for now: tummy angry, mood crabby, want sleep now. Tomorrow is chemo, Thursday is Bathroom Decor Appreciation Day, and Friday is my colonoscopy. Weekend off, then Monday with Andy followed by Tuesday-Monday with my dogs, on my bed, hopefully asleep more often than not.

More to come...
Think happy thoughts. Be well. Send bonbons.

Happy VD to all!

2011-02-15T16:00:00.001-08:00

Flowers yesterday from my sweet husband, and the completion today of ALL my dental work....!

How sweet it is...
(gotta go sleep off the gas now...)

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•••••••••

Ahh, I slept almost all of he gas off... I woke up feeling really good, albeit still very physically tired.

Today marked the end of a serious dental marathon. I didn't have good teeth to start with, but the chemo just ate them. Many fillings, root canals, crowns and extractions later, and I'm DONE!! The next couple of visits will be just to get my new partial bridge/dentures to fit in my mouth, and THEN, I will regain the ability to chew again! Major YAY in my world.

Still tired....chemo tomorrow....time to rest.

Bllrggglgarff

2011-02-04T01:36:00.000-08:00

I thig I hab a code.

Achoo!

Well, it's been a week..pppffffffffttt

2011-01-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

I can't say it's been a great week, but it's been a week.

First my poor doggie's butt explodes. This should have been a sign.

After doing all of that distgusting "prep" for the colonoscopy, I managed to have a diabetic blood sugar crash, mainly because I had no idea what I should have been doing all day to manage the fasting. So, after all the fasting and the Roto-Rootering of my insides to clean them out for the exam....No test. just an embarrassing late-night conversation with my doctor, an angry tummy, and, yes...(wait for it...) a return date next month to do it all again.

Great start.
Apparently, after having all day Tuesday and Wednesday to percolate in my system, the clean-out stuff decided to make a repeat visit. A bad one, apparently the precise millisecond I was waking up. This meant washing sheets, brand new pjs going in the trash, lots of cleaning, and a whole day of misery with a whopping side of humiliation.

(Hey, you people want to read an honest cancer blog, you're in the right place. A happy, tidy one without diarrhea or adult sanitary products? Try again.)

Luckily, thanks I'm sure to the massive, excessive doses of imodium and adult sanitary products, I made it TO and THROUGH chemo without further incident.

Of course, somewhere in the course of the day, my cell phone froze up, and refused to unfreeze. Of course. So, after our nice dinner at Marie Callendars (and following the crushing disappointment of Sees, the Source Of All Bonbons, being closed) we hopped on over to the Verizon store, where a very nice new friend named Patricia swapped it out with a functioning one. Lots of re-customizing, and I have to re-do my entire ICE medical app, but those are minor concerns in the face of what could have been, had I lost all my contacts, photos and random data. Someday I really need to learn how to back that thing up...

And then we came home, and I barfed a lot.

That brings us to yesterday, the day I started this entry, the day in which this entry started posting itself to the blog long before it was done, just because the tech gremlins wanted to prove that they could. Yesterday started with me feeling terrible. It ended with me feeling terrible - nothing terribly shocking for the day after chemo and a major intestinal explosion.

The real capper was a just-before-bedtime random discussion which spontaneously mutated from a discussion into a teenage tantrum. I meant no harm at all in the discussion, which was simply another variant on the "kids who refuse to leave their computers" topic, but I apparently hit a really sore spot without knowing it. That made me feel like absolute shit. It always does, if I hurt someone's feelings, because I never, ever, ever try to intentionally hurt someone's feelings. The fact that the tantrum-throwing boy seems to think that it is always my intention to hurt him or attack him directly for no reason hurts MY feelings pretty good too though. Being the Evil StepMonster does get very, very old after a while. But, I grit my teeth and take my anxiety pills and make sure they never see me crack as I retreat to my corner and chant my mantra, "when they're thirty...when they're thirty..." under my breath. I figure since actually telling them that my feelings are hurt (or are capable of being hurt) just makes them scornful, to say the least, letting them see it would result in precisely nothing good.

Ahhh, a lovely end to a lovely day!!
Things like that deepen my resolve to read "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," just to read about a "mother" (& I use that term loosely here) who is far and away worse at the job than I am.

•••• Have you heard of this book?! It's all over the magazine reviews right now; a memoir by a woman determined to raise her two daughters "the Chinese way," and in the course of doing so, does things like call her little girl "garbage" for less-than-perfect piano skills, threaten to burn all her stuffed animals if the piece isn't played perfectly the next time and reject handmade birthday cards from both girls because they didn't show enough effort. Good lord. And yet, while I think the woman should have been jailed for child abuse (she made her three-year-old stand outside in the rain at night for yet another musical imperfection), she is oft-quoted often saying ONE thing that has my attention - "Chinese parents assume strength, not fragility." Hrm. Hrm. I admit, I'm intrigued. ••••

But ANYway, it was a less than stellar week. I am really, really hoping that this weekend provides a nice buffer and leads to a pleasant no-chemo week ahead. Admittedly, I have a dentist appointment, and one with Andy, but I'm still looking forward to a poison-free few days to let my system rebound a bit.

Back on the subject of parenting for just a minute though - I found another magazine article that was particularly interesting. Time magazine, January 31, page 17: "How Video Games May Contribute to Mental Illness." Oh, how I wish this article had come out when these boys were younger...we might have fought harder, instead of completely giving up in the battle over restricting computer use time.

The study cited in the article looked at associations between personality, gaming and future mental disorders. One finding is that kids with impulsive personalities, less empathy for others and poor social skills were more likely to become pathological gamers. Uh huh, I'm listening... These kids ended to log nearly twice as much computer time weekly compared to their peers. "Addicted gamers also tended to be more aggressive and antisocial." But most disturbingly, the study also found that pathological, addicted gamers were at a higher risk of developing mental conditions like depression, anxiety and social phobias within a couple of years. All of the study results seem to counter the popular belief that some teens play as a way to cope with existing mental illness. Instead, the latest results demonstrate that the relationships between addictive gaming and mental health are more complicated than we thought, "with mental disorders being both contributors to and consequences of video-game dependence."

Yup.

I hate to say it, but every single point made in the article could be illustrated inside this household. If your kids are young enough to stop this behavior before it starts, grab that chance and run with it. With our boys, at least, I can safely say that almost every, and I do mean almost every - say, 99 of 100 - argument or conflict we have is rooted in that pathological, obsessive gaming and the void it creates, suspending time so that chores, homework and even dinnertime are at the least, very annoying interruptions to their very important business of game playing and more often, reason for explosion. They haven't got the slightest idea why we find this to be a bad thing; unacceptable, or why we continue to intrude on them the way we do. That is the scariest part, right there - they really think that their game play is as important, if not more so than any events in the real world.

Well, it scares the crap out of *me* anyway.

Here's hoping for a very uneventful weekend. Cross your fingers and toes for me, ok?

NO colonoscopy!

2011-01-25T00:32:00.000-08:00

Yep, you read that right, and nope, no early morning hospital run. Lucky me, after going through all of the HELLISH "prep" today, my diabetes decided to kick in and drop my glucose out from under me, leading to a frantic sugar push, a very miserable night, and a mortifying late-night phone conversation with my surgeon.

Between the exploding-butt dog and my not-happening butt surgery, it's been a really lovely day.

Trust me.

A bigger-bigger bed!

2011-01-23T00:22:00.001-08:00

This, dear readers, is why the world needs to make a bigger bed available to the general public.

When you think about it, the PetKing(tm) size would be an instant hit! As long as a Cal-King, and as wide as a std King plus, oh, maybe a full/double as well and Bingo! You've actually got a mattress big enough for two normal sized people and at least 3 largish dogs, with spare corners for a pussycat here or there.

It would be revolutionary!

Now we just need them to make bigger sheets...and bedrooms... But I really think I'm onto something here.

SNL + Sees Candy = strange ideas
:-)

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Books, books, books!!

2011-01-21T13:52:00.000-08:00

I've had more than few requests from friends for "good" books to read lately. Well, I am the girl to ask!!

Being cancer girl means that I've probably got more reading time on my hands than all the rest of my friends combined. I guess it's a good thing I'm such a book-fiend, although it always makes me feel guilty when I sit down and lose myself in a book for hours instead of finishing a knitting project or something else "productive." Ahh, "productivity," the eternal guilt-producing specter that hangs over my head.

I mean, right now, I'm feeling ridiculously tired, beat and battered in the manner of a massive chemo side-effect attack with a good dose of fibro-fun on top of it. My legs ache and are throbbing from hips to toes, which makes even standing up an unpleasant experience, but everyone else in the house is doing their normal Sunday chores, so I feel intense guilt for sitting here on my bed like a lump. ::sigh::

I passionately hate guilt.

But, considering that tomorrow I will have to take a little spotty dog to the vet to get his poor butt fixed (impacted anal gland), and then spend the entire afternoon doing the disgusting "prep" for my colonoscopy - aka getting MY butt fixed - I have got to force myself to take the rest while I can get it.

But ANYway, about books - I figure I might as well share some of what I've been reading for those who are looking for a good book. I haven't been very good at populating the " useless information" trivia column lately, so I'm thinking that book reviews may move into that space for posterity.

Recently, I've been on this "comedian" kick and have been reading autobiographies of some very funny people. I can recommend Sarah Silverman's "The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee" and Kathy Griffin's "Official Book Club Selection" very highly. I've also read all three of Chelsea Handler's books recently, and I can't stress enough how different her books are from Silverman or Griffin. Chelsea's books are humor, written to be funny, and they are, most of the time. Silverman and Griffin are writing very real autobiographies in the warts-and-all tradition, showing themselves to be very intelligent women (much more than you realize at first) who have worked very hard to get where they are and also happen to be very, very funny.

I would highly recommend Griffin's book as a fascinating look at the reality of being a working actress and comedian, someone who was not an overnight sensation, but who worked her ass off to get where she is today. Sarah Silverman's book is different in that spends a little more time in her childhood, fighting the chronic bedwetting mentioned in the title, but it is no less engaging. Either of them is going to be a funny, very satisfying read. And Chelsea? If you can take the raunch, you'll laugh your ass off.

Ok, there are my first book recommendations. Hopefully someone out there will find them interesting!

Aimee starts to regret bringing me to chemo...

2011-01-20T15:49:00.001-08:00

So, Aim didn't realize that being blogged was part of the deal when she agreed to drive me chemo this week.

I'll make it up to her somehow. ;-)

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Otherwise, things are all going well. I'm totally recovered from my endocscopy, with just a bit if a sore throat to remind me. I'm NOT looking forward to doing the PREP for the colonoscopy on Monday, but I'll survive. Stay tuned for the news on that one, but I expect a nice boring weekend after chemo, lolling around in side-effect land. Prep on Monday, colonoscopy on Tues, and then I'm taking a week off to recover!!

And all is well!

2011-01-18T13:23:00.001-08:00

No silly pictures, but all done, and all is well in my tummy. And in my esophagus, and my small intestines.

No polyps, no nothing, just a healthy line of stomach sutures. Yay!

Next week, we get to do the exam from the other end and see what the colonoscopy says. I can't say I'm thrilled about having it, but at least then it will be over.

Now home to rest...

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Endo time!

2011-01-18T09:49:00.001-08:00

Off I go to my endoscopy.... Stay tuned for the updates later!

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it's new drug time at chemo

2011-01-13T22:44:00.001-08:00

I'm sure I have things to say about this.

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Here's a lovely photo of me getting the first treatment with my new weekly drug, Topotecan. It's a far better picture of the shawl Lloyd got me for Christmas, which is a beautiful example of a type of special weaving called jamawar, long practiced in India but nearly lost to the years. The Indian government has helped get the craft started again, and these incredible colors and patterns are the result. There's your obscure history lesson for the day.

Its really far more fun to start the blog post from my lovely Android phone, which allows me to sort of post photos (which is a no-no on the idiotPad) and then finish them on the idiotPad.

However, das idiotPad feels a strong need to help tonight, much more than usual and is making me want to extract its spell checker with a dinner fork.

And I am tired and in pain so there will be more tomorrow.

Everyone pray for those Australian flood waters to go down down down down. My thoughts are with you, and with anyone who could suddenly find themselves in the path of a wall of water.

It is scary out there, so please take care of yourself & yours, and then do what you can for others who might need help too. I think that's a good philosophy, no matter where you are.

Be kind to one another.
I hope you are all sleeping warm, tight and loved tonight.

Joy!

2011-01-08T14:54:00.001-08:00

Do you know what this is?

*These* are fully packed boxes of Christmas crap, all ready to be dragged out to the garage. Luckily, that part isn't my job. My job is DONE! No Christmas decor all over the house for the whole year!

Triumph.

Now I can read and knit for the rest of the day without the slightest bit of guilt. I kinda spent the last two days in bed, exhausted from the last time I did some work around the house, so that guilt was piling up...

But now I'm feeling quite pleased with myself. Utterly exhausted, but pleased.

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{Hey, where'd the picture go?! Ah, well, it was just a photo of packed plastic crates anyway.}

Giggle for the day

2011-01-06T07:56:00.001-08:00

Seen in the Signals catalog - world's funniest onesie.

The picture is hard to read; especially since I managed to put it on here sideways, and I have no way of fixing it. It says:

Inside me I've got:
world peace
2 rainbows
light from 4 stars
green stuff
milk
some dog hair
and
a
raisin

I find this funnier than hell, but the price is no joke - $24.95 for one organic cotton onesie. (Signals.com if you want one)

Not a lot going on here, but the Christmas tree is down. I worked on cleaning up the house Mon & Tues and felt dead to the world yesterday; so I rested. I think I feel worse today, but I have to work on getting the rest of the Christmas stuff out today. I swore I would not have it still out for the whole year this year, and I'm not breaking THAT resolution!

But, I'm running out of time, because starting next Tues, January becomes that giant medical marathon I mentioned before. Once all of that starts, I suspect I won't feel like cleaning much.

My doggie girl is feeling better too. Yay! The urine culture said she actually had an e. coli infection. We had to change antibiotics, so now she's really on the road to recovery...as soon as she digests that rawhide we let her have last night!

I hope your new year is starting off as well as mine is so far. A healthy doggie and a clean house go a long way toward keeping me happy!

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The Princess Pea & the Pee

2011-01-03T11:18:00.001-08:00

This is the face of a (spoiled) old girl with a bladder infection. My poor love! Luckily she's been on antibiotics for a few days and she's getting better.

Today is the REAL first day of the new year - the first day of SCHOOL! Muhahahahaha!!!! And, I have the entire week free of appointments, so I have lots or time to start taking down the Christmas decorations. This year, they're coming down if it kills me!

I love having the week to clean, get things in order, and feel like I'm starting the new year fresh.

I also love the BloggerDroid app making it possible to shoot a photo on the phone & blog it instantly! The idiotPad doesn't have a camera, and of course, doesn't allow me to use Blogger properly, much less put up photos. Yay for 'droid technology!

Android 2, crApple 0

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Mmmm...

2011-01-02T10:04:00.001-08:00

So, I got this incredible book for Christmas - "The Illustrated Cook's Book of Ingredients; 2500 of the world's best with classic recipes," & reading it is almost torture. I want stinky cheese with almonds & apricots now. And fresh mozzarella with heirloom tomatoes. And fresh coconut. And snow crab. And Chinese food. And! And!

I'm sure you get the point.
So anyway - Happy New Year! One of my myriad resolutions is to become a far better (aka more prolific) blogger.

Given that the month of January alone will bring 3 chemo sessions, an endoscopy, a colonoscopy, several visits to the lab and probably at least 1 root canal, I'll either have tons to write about or no energy to write it. We shall see.

Despite the rough start, I'm convinced 2011 is going to be an improvement over the past year. If nothing else, I'm going to live past my January 26 "expiration date," and that's no small thing, right?

Right.

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It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!!

2010-12-22T00:32:00.000-08:00

FINALLY...sheesh. The whole season so far has felt pretty BLAH, like it's August or something. Just nothing there, bad or good. I never, ever would have guessed what it would take to turn things around for me. It was really something rather small-ish, and one of the last things I personally EVER would have asked Santa to bring me: another kid.

Yup, you read that right.
See, the child in question is one of nature's most perfect species, The Grandchild.

Then again, she is also a pretty damned sweet, smart, adorable and perfect example of that perfect species. ;-> NOT that I'm biased or anything, because I am absolutely not.

But anyway, Lloyd decided that since he was down visiting with his Dad, brother and other relatives down in Jason's neck of the wood, AND since Jason, Chrissy & the kids would be coming here on Thursday for their Christmas visit, he'd just bring Juliet home with him. Somehow or another, it was just the thing. I'm apparently incapable of keeping my holiday blahs in place while she's around.

They're going home after dinner on Xmas eve which kind of bums me out, because I love watching her and Wyatt open their gifts. But, it will be good for them to have Santa come to their own house this year too. Earlier today she asked me, in the most pleading, wheedling little voice ever, if she could open just one of her presents while she was here. I got a huge kick out of watching her reaction when I told her that unless her mommy had a problem with it (there's a very valid reason why her mommy might might need her to wait on one of them) the she got to open ALL of them. Serious grandparent moment there!!!

She is just such a happy little being that I guess it rubs off. She bops around the house, playing here, torturing a teenaged uncle there, and telling me that she likes doing chores. Well, chores not including helping Anna clean her pit. Juliet said the same thing we're all thinking - " I just don't know where to start!" before she gave up. Luckily, she likes making cookies with me even better, so I've been finding ways to keep her occupied and feeling " useful." Tomorrow will be a heavy baking kind of day around here.

I'm just glad I've slid further over from Grinch to Who on the official Who-ville Christmas Spirit Meter, which I totally just made up right now. I was feeling pretty Grinchy there for a while.

Christmas IS coming, whether we want it to one not, and there is still lots to do to get ready, but I'm up an elf, so I have more help than usual.
Ho ho ho!

And the result was....

2010-12-16T18:42:00.000-08:00

(the results of the CT/angio performed this afternoon are....). NEGATIVE for any blood clots, which is what they were looking for, and shows no changes to all the other random stuff in there.

This means YAY, Good, Happy Day, skip and single a jaunty little tune.
I'm going to sleep as as soon as humanly possible!!!

Update!

2010-12-16T08:35:00.000-08:00

Well, there is sort of an update that I have to squeeze in here before it's time to leave.

I saw Roni yesterday, Dr. Mazj's PA. (physicians assistant) That's normal, as I see one or the other of them the day before each chemo.

In telling her what had been going on since our last chat, I had to tell her about some chest pain incidents I'd had a few times. I know from what the doctor told me that these pains had nothing at all to do with my cancer - they were allergy/asthma/flu kind of pains associated with a cough or congestion, or were very obviously part of an anxiety attack in progress.

But, I had to tell her. She had to tell Dr. Mazj.
::sigh::

SO, instead of JUST having chemo today, I am having an angio-CT, and THEN chemo. Grr.

I'll let the Internet explain:
"CT imaging uses special x-ray equipment to produce multiple images and a computer to join them together in multidimensional views. In CT angiography (CTA), computed tomography using a contrast material is injected into a peripheral vein to produce detailed images of both blood vessels and tissues."

Yeah, that. Other than the IV, it's painless. Hopefully, it will use the same CT machine I've been thru before, which will make it non-claustrophobic as well.

Despite all of that useful knowledge, I am still more than slightly anxiety-attacked about it all. I don't have the slightest idea why, but there you have it.

The results of all of my scans come back fast, and I'm usually getting them done down in Chico. Since this is being done right there at the hospital, I wouldn't be surprised if he had the results tomorrow when I come back for my Neulasta shot or even sometime during my long chemo day today.

Needless to say (thanks to the wifi at the hospital), I will have he results posted up here just as soon as I get them. If there is anything noteworthy to add this afternoon, I will make sure to get it up here, so watch this space!

Happy sleepy jingle-dogs!

2010-12-14T10:23:00.001-08:00

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'tis the season, part 2

2010-12-14T08:44:00.000-08:00

And, after setting an alarm for eight am, so I could get up and out early to do my final bits of shopping, we realized that our plan (out @10; shop in Chico, eat lunch, head up he mountain for 2:30 gastro appt) had a huge, Labradork-shaped hole in it......that would be the Labradork, who has to stay in her kennel/crate while we're gone. So far, four to five hours is about the limit we've attuned her to, and the above plan works out to something like six or seven. The new plan is to go shopping after my appointment, and dinner instead of lunch, which leaves me with several hours this morning to spare. My darling husband has the enviable ability to go (back) to sleep just about any time, any where, for any reason, but I do not, and thus am curled up with a dog in my armpit and a tablet on my lap.

Other than getting ready for Christmas, and trying to reduce my festivities to a manageable level, there has really been very little to update all y'all on. I thought I was done shopping, until I realized that I wasn't. That was a serious downer, considering I had done every bit of it via the Internet and one husband-dispatch to Target. I personally haven't set foot in a single store other than CVS in close to a month, and I was quite proud.

Toning down the celebration feels almost like more work than not toning it down would have been. I have to make a thousand decisions about what stays, what goes, what I do myself, and what I pass off to a kid. The kids really are used to me doing most things, or me and Anna; so I have to constantly consciously remind myself to force the boys to get off their computers and get involved. Thankfully it hasn't been hard - they've been pretty willing to go along when I tell them that after dinner, the three of the are going to finish the tree, period, end of story. I just can't do it now, and passing the job along to the three of them feels simultaneously good and like a huge loss. Well, mostly it feels like cheating.

I keep saying I have to enjoy every holiday I have as much as possible, but I just can't get up much enthusiasm for celebrating. Then again, I don't have much enthusiasm for anything except sleeping, and here I have the morning suddenly free, and I'm typing instead of snoring. Figures. Then again, again, there is a man, a cat, and three dogs in this bed, and not a hell of a lot of room left to stretch out! When we got this nice big bed, we thought we'd finally have enough room...instead, we added a dog. They need to make a bed size bigger than king, and call it "Pet" or "Dog" size - like a Cal King plus another double or something.

Anyway...
I have no idea where I was going with this, or if I was going anywhere.
It's probably time to wrap this up and check in with the rest of my life before its time to get ready to go visit my latest new doctor. (as if I needed any more, right?)
As always, I will try to keep this more up to date, and as always, I will probably fail. It's worth a shot! I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday season. I'm trying to do that too!!

'tis the Season!

2010-12-14T00:29:00.000-08:00

'tis the season for absolute exhaustion, is what it 'tis the season FOR.

Could someone please remind me how I used to do all this stuff AND have a job and something of a life? I once remember going to three Christmas parties in a single day, and now I'm doing great if I can make it up the stairs three times in a day.

Anna is, as always, being an incredible helper and head elf, wrapping, decorating and anything else I ask her for help with. I just can't keep up with her, and like every other occasion that comes around these days, *this* Christmas is the one where I have to stop, sit down, and reevaluate absolutely everything I'm trying to do. And, inevitably, cut what I'm trying to do in half, then half again........and probably in half again.

And as I write that, I realize that it is 12:54--- and that I have to get up early in the morning to go shopping, (because I discovered that I am definitely not done shopping for my head elf) and THEN head up the mountain for an appointment with a man who will probably want to stick things up my butt. Yep, I made an appointment for that privilege. Gastroenterologists have the best jobs.

SO, more later. I just wanted to drop in and let everyone know I'm still alive! Chemo this week, whee!!
Stay tuned.

No fair!

2010-12-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

Absolutely not fair!

I went to see Andy yesterday, and now I have until Monday "off." (since going to doctors and dentists js basically my "job," I always feel like days we can stay home are like days off work.)

SO, what happens when I have four free days in front of me? C'mon, you all know the answer to this one: I GET SICK.
Of course!!!

I woke up at four, or some other ungodly hour, shivering so hard my teeth were slamming into each other, chattering. I had to put a wad of gauze in my mouth to bite on and not break my remaining teeth. Bundled up in a robe and hat and popped some ibuprofen to break the 100.4 fever. Oh, what joy! When I woke up again around seven, I still had the fever, but the shivering had stopped. Another dose of ibu and naproxen, and the fever finally broke around 8. Thank god, because if I have a fever of 100.5 or higher, I have to go to the cancer center or ER - chemo rules. I just missed it this time.

So now I have a congested everything; am dizzy as hell; feel kind of like I'm hung over; have a sore throat and a cough; have massive body aches, like you get with the flu; and have a major seeing-spots kind of headache.

Why?

What did I do?

Could someone out there please speak with the-powers-that-be and get this stopped?

Hello winter!

2010-11-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

Dude! All of a sudden it is COOOOOOOLD around here!

Leaving for the dentist this morning marked our first time scraping frost and ice off the car before we could go anywhere. Everything on our side of the street was white and gorgeous, covered in frost.

Not too many updates of any importance...

Thanksgiving was nice, with Dad and Chris up. Chris helped me cook, and that was a very welcome thing. We cooked, we ate, and we even took a trip out to an indian casino. It was nice to get out of the house a little bit, but it did wear me out. Even with all Chris' help, I still managed to over-do it, and landed myself in bed for a couple of days afterward. Ah well.

The Venofer infusions I was getting (iron) weren't working out too well - I was getting ridiculous headaches and even vomited blood once - so we stopped those until I see the doctor again.

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to see a gastro doc to try and figure out WHY I was vomiting blood, and why my scans are still showing slight intestinal obstructions. That doubtlessly means a colonoscopy or endoscopy or both. I'm looking forward to those OH SO MUCH, as I'm sure you can imagine.

December marks my last Taxol chemo treatment, which might be great or might be....bleh. In January we're going to switch to a drug called Topotecan, which will be infusions every week, 3 weeks on and 1 week off. We're going to be very, very tired, but there is a chance that the Taxol I've been getting all this time hasn't been doing a thing, since I have had growth in the tumors, slow as it's been. Maybe the new drug will stop the growth entirely; maybe it will do nothing.

I've got to give it a shot though, because any growth is bad growth, as far as I'm concerned!

Until then, it's all about getting ready for the holidays. Pea was less than enthused about her photo session for our annual strange Christmas card, but that's ok. You'll all get to see the final results soon enough.

And now, it's bedtime...

More soon. Happy Winter everyone!!

Ahh, the joy of chemo...

2010-11-19T08:24:00.000-08:00

NOT.

Well, I've had two Venofer treatments, my labs and my visit with Roni, Dr. Mazj's physician's assistant. Two days down, one to go... THIS WEEK. As of yesterday, when the rest of my Venofer treatments were worked out, I'm so over-scheduled, I'm not sure how either Lloyd or I are going to take it. It's going to be a lot like the days when we were doing radiation and chemo at the same time and heading up the mountain five days a week.

Next week isn't bad at all, yet. I have the remainder of my root canal treatment to finish on Monday, with a trek up the mountain on Tuesday for Venofer. That will let me have a little bit of a break after chemo, and still have time to get in all oif my Thanksgiving shopping, prep and cooking without being too pressed for time. I usually try to prep as much in advance as I can, but Chris has been drafted as my sous-chef for the holiday so I've got my back covered this year.

After my holiday break, it's one hell of a week. Monday, six fillings; Tuesday, Venofer; Wednesday, Andy; Thursday & Friday, Venofer. Urgh!!

The following week is almost as bad - Monday, Venofer; Tuesday, three fillings; Wednesday, Venofer; Friday, Venofer. At least I've got Thursday off that week.

The week after that, we're back at chemo week, so it's an exact copy of this week, with the doctor's visit, chemo and Neulasta on top of three Venofer infusions.

I'm getting tired just reading this, and having trouble figuring out where in all of that I'm going to do Chrismas shopping, wrapping and all the other holiday tasks. I'm having the sudden (very sudden!) realization that I'm going to have to cut back on what I plan to do, and make really damned good use of the little time I do have!! Hello Mr. Anxiety Attack!

I just got up for my every-ten-minute potty break, and now I'm REALLY depressed. The shower is overrun by ants - still. We started treating last night, choosing to put a bait disk in there, so they might kill some back at the nest, instead of just spraying it. This morning, we'll have to spray, but it does look like the bait disk has had booming business overnight. This is only day....er, 10? 12? Longer? in our ongoing battle to reclaim the house from the ants. The kitchen and pantry have been under constant attack, with side flanks hitting all three bathroom. This could put an even bigger damper on any holiday baking I try to do!!!

And, whoever plans layout for our local newspaper should be given a lesson in compassion. The obits belong somewhere appropriate, likejj behind the last page of the classifieds, not on the page before the comics. Seeing familiar faces of two women, one young and one older, who request donations to the Feather River Hospital Cancer Center and Hospice didn't help out my anxiety or depression much at all.

It's going to be an interesting month ahead. It's time now to go hit the catalogs and work on some Christmas shopping.

SO, no one's going to be shocked when I don't post very often, now, are they?!

Ok, I'm back

2010-11-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I hadn't felt much like writing when lost Boo, but I'm back.

More specifically, I'm in the cancer center infusion room, waiting my turn for one of the very busy, overloaded fantastic nurses to come and puncture me, and then set me up with my infusions for the day. I'm supposed to be getting a red cell booster infusion each of the next three days, along with chemo tomorrow, and Neulasta shot on Friday, so this should be interesting. I think I've had this drug before, but I can't really remember what it was like or if I had a reaction to it or not, so I have no idea what to expect.

I guess we'll see, won't we?

Along with being kind of generally depressed after losing my birdie, I've also had some generally miserable days in the recent past. I had one day ( I can't remember which day for the life of me) where I woke up with a migraine so bad that I spent the entire day, early morning till night, alternating between sleeping and sitting on the bathroom floor barfing my guts out. I couldn't keep anything down, my anti-nausea meds did zilch for me - including the suppositories - and nothing would touch the pain. It was truly the worst thing I have experienced in a very long time. Actually, I've got more than a little bit of a sinus-y headache going now, but I'm crossing my fingers. And my port hurts, damn it. It just randomly hurts sometimes, but this is the first time its hurt while it's been accessed (meaning while its punctured while I'm up here getting an infusion) so I'm a little surprised.

There really hasn't been a lot going on to write about, truthfully. One exciting thing- I got the results of my bone scan: NO metastatic disease in the bone! Whoo-hoo!! That is the one thing that mattered. It did show some sinus problems - not shocking AT ALL!

Otherwise' I've been getting my dental work done, bit by bit, and had sort of a double root canal yesterday. I say sort of because they weren't able to fully finish it in the time we had. I was having a weird day yesrday, where I kept falling asleep constantly, and I slept through the whole thing! I'm not complaining, but it's weird.

I am complaining about this growing headache I have...its making it hard for me to see to type this, so I think I'm going to sign off and try again tomorrow during chemo. I know this isn't the greatest or most exciting entry, but I know that all of you will live. I shared the bone scan result, and that was the important thing.

I'm going to take a nap. More later!

Milestones

2010-11-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

I just noticed, as I went to write this entry, that this is post number 301 on this blog. I never imagined I'd have 300 things to say to anyone!

But, I do have a sad milestone to report today too. After more than 14 years, 11(?) homes and four companions, my poor little Elvis Booboo left me sometime in the night.

He was wanting tons of love and affection yesterday, and now I think he was saying goodbye. I said goodnight to him and turned on his warmie-pad, and Lloyd found him there in the bottom of the cage today, still nestled near his heating pad.

It's been a rough day, but I wrapped him up in a cloth and we took him to the vet and at least I was able to hold him for that last ride. He'll be coming back to us soon. You may think that sounds silly, for a bird, but I think anyone who sticks with me for fourteen years has earned some respect.

He was my friend, honestly, and the house is going to seem far too quiet and still without him.
RIP Boobird.

Very much spoooooooky-like-ness-ing

2010-11-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

And as usual, Halloween was once again THE premier holiday for the Irwin household. The way we do Halloween makes most people's Christmas celebration and decoration efforts look pretty anemic, if I do say so myself.

It is very much a whole-family holiday. Lloyd and the kids decorate the hell out of the yard in advance, and top it off as it's getting dark that night. (light-up ICE CUBES, anyone?! Yes, we still have a good number that worked, and this is year seven!!!).

Giant graveyard on the lawn, check; anything that can be draped in black fabric or covered in glow sticks, IS, check; spooks created from cheesecloth, discarded net curtains, check. Boys with voice-changers, tiny hidden mp3 player speakers, faceless masks and red glowing eyes hiding in the bushes with bags full of cans full of pennies...check, check check!!!

I had some great half-formed ideas for giant spiders out of the bottom ring of a papasan chair and how to best use my wheelchair, but alas they were too late for this year.

So, we had to settle for the two-

or three- hundred other things we did....

Anna was feeling pretty bummed over the whole thought of being too old to go trick or treating, and a the last weeks and days counted down to the holiday, I caved. First I said to invite her two best friends over, just to run around outside or whatever. Then I gave in on the trick or treating too. What the fuck, she's only young once, right? Young enough to still go, but also old enough that I was able to let her and Christa go out for a while on their own.

Let me clarify though: We checked the Megan's law site. She was given a precise set of streets she was allowed to be on and no further. They were nicely visible thanks to many glowsticks (& Christa's shiny white patent knee-high platform go-go boots!) There was a curfew, they knew not to consider eating a single thing they collected AND I had her on walkie-talkie the whole time.

Freedom on a very short leash. ;->

But, because of all those things and knowing our housing tract-neighborhood, I was able to feel very, very comfortable letting her have her freedom, and the two girls had an absolute blast-plus. Maybe next year she won't want to do it again, but I've alre

ady decided to let her. Like I said, she's only going to be this age once.

The boys, once they aged out of the door-to-door thing, made up their own routine for the holiday. They both have big black shroud kind of things with those hood masks that make you look like you're faceless. Under that, at least one of them had glowing red eyes, which look eerie as all hell.

They take turns sitting in a black draped chair, with black draping covering their feet and such, and play statue, candy bucket between the feet. For younger kids (the ones brave enough to come all the way up the walk!!), they just give out the candy. For the tiny ones with pink wings, I often have to intervene and bring the candy down to the sidewalk, that's HOW good they are!!

While one is in the chair, the other is somewhere in the bushes with a bag full of soda cans, with a handful of pennies thrown in for better noisemaking.

Older kids, see, are fair game...... Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
You should hear the screams!! Oh, it is glorious! Teenage girls are the best prey - of course. They do such a great job that our house is now widely known in Gridley as THAT HOUSE - "you know, that one house with the guys who don't move?!"

I was across the street talking to Jamie at one point and when I looked back across at our house, we had a LINE. A LINE!! All the way down the walkway to the driveway, with screams emanating from the porch. I wanted a camera so badly right then.

As for me, I decided to really go for it myself, costume-wise. As I told Jamie, not to be morbid, but, I have no idea how many Halloweens I have to feel up and perky enough to do it, so I didn't want to miss it. My costume was very deceptively simple, but I got masses of compliments!

I was a Christmas tree!!

The idea was stolen from a long-ago coworker, but the execution was all mine, with prop styling by the Dollar Tree store. My main tree-part was a giantly fluffy green square dance petticoat with ornaments, battery powered LED lights, ornaments, etc. Other than fixing the lights in place and putting my "hat" ( garland wreath with a giant gold star) together, the rest was basically draping things artistically.

I was actually surprised at how much attention I got. Then again, I was the only brightly lit neon green Christmas tree running around in the dark.

I got tons of compliments from kids and adults both, but I also had one rather clueless family where the father wanted me to *dance* for him - what the fuck?! Do people just randomly ask other adults to dance on the sidewalk for them on Halloween in his world?! His horrid children kept sticking out bare hands at me saying "trick or treat!" over and over and then trying to remove and take my ornaments.

I'm going to be generous and assume that this was their first Halloween since sneaking across the border...... Ok, that was terrible of me but I was getting seriously grossed out by these people TOUCHING ME!! Yuck.

I should have thrown pumpkin guts at them.

But, aside from being groped by one nasty family, the rest of the night was a complete blast. All the kids were exhausted from the hard work hiding, scaring and walking, and we were exhausted from supervising the general chaos.

The boys are already plotting next year.......

There's always a Bob (or a Bill)

2010-10-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

See, now Pauline's story (see comments for "Have we met?") about Bob, the nice older gent at her chemo is just what I meant, only we have Bill.

At our cancer center, if you mention a certain type of person, everyone automatically says, "oh, like Bill." If you're a newbie and someone is trying to explain certain things, they might ask, "Have you met Bill yet?"

Bill, like Bob, is the nice older gent who somehow seems to be preternaturally happy about this whole affair. I've never met a wife, but then again I've only had chemo with Bill once. The first time I met him was my first go-round, when I attended the dermatology seminar. I was very, very new, and it must've shown, because a sweet lady named Eloise started filling me in on the workings of the seminar, and then the entire center, with Bill providing color commentary. Through Bill, I learned the iron-clad group rule about chemo: No whining, no crying, no feeling sorry for yourself, or the rest of the gang will descend upon you with some sort of unimaginable punishment. (like, maybe more chemo?!)

While I've since learned that (as I suspected from the start) they are really far nicer than they make themselves out to be, Bill and his gang of "lifers," like ME now, I guess(!) really do make an impression on you! Once you've heard Bill, I think most anyone would think three or four times about whining or why-me-ing in that room, and the nurses probably quietly worship him for it.

Hell, I've met the guy three times and I'll never forget. Mob justice? Positive peer pressure? All I know is that chemo is actually quite a pleasant place to be. People who haven't been there with me have a scarier image of the place, but to me it is the single safest place in the world, very calm, relaxing, and did I mention safe? The "no whiners" group philosophy keeps people laughing in what could be hell on earth! It's really not a bad fraternity to be in, all things considered.

Bill is just the embodiment of that attitude, a walking reminder that things could be far worse, because we ARE walking, talking and laughing, and not strapped to a bed somewhere deep in the bowels of the hospital.

I am far from being the outgoing type myself. I am never going to be the model patient that Bill and his long-lost brother Bob seem to be, but I guess being exposed to him and his brethren probably helps us all a bit. I STILL will never show up for chemo with nothing more than a newspaper & my reading glasses, but it's a start, right?

That little bit of hand-holding from Bill & Eloise at the beginning were invaluable and I have found myself reaching out to a couple of newcomers, trying to give them that same little bit of an introduction I got. And yes, I have even said to someone, "Have you met Bill yet?"

And yet....
This is again a story about the folks who are far better behaved than I!! Isn't there anyone snotty and bitchy out there?!! ::sigh::

Thank you, and rest in peace Eloise. I know I'm far from the only one w ho misses you.

Have we met?

2010-10-29T06:44:00.000-07:00

This was going to be a comment in reply to a comment my Auntie Annie left on my last post, but I decided it should be it's own topic, since it's something that applies to nearly all the comments I get on here, elsewhere, in person, everywhere!

I am constantly shocked by people who think I have a good attitude about things - even "most of the time," or even some of the time. Do you seriously mean that there are people out there who are pissier, crabbier, whinier, lazier, less graceful, side-effect-ier and hermit-i-er than me?! I thinkmy poor long-suffering husband and kids would be either really upset or really relieved to learn that!!

Well, seriously, let's see... I am actually really glad that people out there think I'm handling this well, because I feel like I'm not at least 90% of the time. I feel constantly selfish and crabby with all the demands I put on everyone around me, from Lloyd and the kids daily to asking Daddy and Dawn to come up to see me all the time when I can't go down to see them to asking the medical assistant or volunteer at chemo to get me pillows or plug/unplug my IV rig when I have to go potty. Just the thought of having to switch from every-4-weeks to every week chemo, even for a while, makes me cringe when I think of the demands that it I'll put on Lloyd and the kids.

When I look around the room at chemo, I usually see nothing but people who are sicker, cheerier, less demanding, quieter, less needy, overall lower-maintenance and take far less time to get "moved in" to their chair, because they're carrying far less CRAP than I am. (giant purse with everything in the world one might ever put in a purse plus idiotPad, Kindle, a tiny portable-happiness digital photo album, meds, etc.; little cooler bag full of Gatorade and snacks; & my big l chemo blankie tote bag with my special chemo blankie, knitting, organizer, slippers, hat/change of hat, extra clothing for hot- or cold- flash changes, pens & cards for essential note-taking and list-making, etc.; and my special little lap-pillow for propping knitting, books, etc. up on my lap - c'mon, how do people function with less?!!!!)

If am the good attitude, then I really don't want to meet someone with a bad one!! But, from what I hear, it sounds like a lot of you have met them.

Tell me the stories! Seriously!! Amuse me with the bad behavior of others. Post a comment, or email me directly if you want to stay anonymous to other readers, and I'll reprint the really juicy ones in a new post for some laughs - no names or anything, I promise.
We could all use some good laughs, no? I realize I have a pretty dark, morbid sense of humor, but it's MY terminal disease, so I'm allowed to be as morbid as I want.

So there.

On that note, here are some pretty pictures of the trainwrecks they're pulling out of my mouth. Enjoy!!

Chemo, chemo AND more happy!

2010-10-28T12:27:00.002-07:00

Well the photo-blogger app from my phone didn't really work out so well.

On a brighter note, my Pap test results came in today - 100% NEGATIVE'!!!! Whoo-hoo, again!!!!!!

So far, my week is ending on a very positive note, and I'm very pleased. Tomorrow still involves the extraction of five more teeth, which is less pleasing, but I feel like I can handle it.

A slightly longer and better update, now that i phase time to do so. As I mentioned, there was some growth, 3mm each, in each of two nodules. I want to say that l have eight nodules? Maybe eight. I could be totally wrong there. Regardless, Dr.Mazj feels that a three mm growth is still within acceptable limits.

However, we have questions about the chemo i've been getting this far. The growth has been slow and small, yes, but there has been growth. What if the Taxol hasn't been affecting the nodules at all? It's a real possibility.

SO, after the first of he year, we're going to try a change in meds. We're doing a short cycle (3 wks ) in Nov, so that I'm recovered from chemo in time to have Turkey/Tofurkey Day. Then a four week in Dec leaves me set up great for Christmas. After the first, we'll try some Totecan, which is a once a week one, three weeks on, one off. That will be a bit hectic, but we will give it a shot.

And now...I'm tired. And hungry. So, I'm going to go knit until my Taco Bell delivery arrives, and hopefully get some rest. More soon, I'm quite sure .

Testing a new app!

2010-10-28T12:23:00.001-07:00

Can I blog from my phone? I don't know!
Even more important, can I *upload pictures* on here, 'cause I sure as hell can't from the iPad! Let's try!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Yay!, but changes

2010-10-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Fast fast fast update....two nodules have grown but only a tiny bit - 3mm each. After the new year we're going to try a new treatment plan to see if it keeps them from growing at all.

Gotta run, we're done here, but there is the good news as quick as I can get it out. Gotta love wifi!

DING DING DING DING DING

2010-10-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

DING DING DING DING DING
DING DING DING DING DING

Well!! Nothing like a brisk morning fire drill to get the juices flowing!
Or in other words: Smoke. Detector. Epic. Fail.

And of course, we live in a very recently built house. Some of you will instantly understand what THAT means - all the friggin' things are directly wired into the house electrical system, meaning that you have to climb up high enough to reach it easily with both hands to disconnect the wiring harness just to take it down and check the (backup) battery inside.

The old, time-tested method of reaching up with a broom handle and jabbing furiously at the damned thing until it either shuts up or falls apart is apparently obsolete.

I have to confess that I HATE smoke detectors like the plague. I think it was the trauma of that stupid one in my childhood that really enjoyed going off in the wee hours between one and five am, randomly and semi-regularly. We had nice, thick security bars on every window of that house. The kind that did not open in an emergency, or for any other reason. The entire time we lived there, my mother liked to remark that if here was a fire, we were all going to be crispy critters in very short order.

This confluence of events explain why I (as a child) spent hours deciding which stuffed animals and other treasures I just HAD to save when the inevitable inferno came to pass. This was very important work.

I have to confess too, that I still think this way! Like - ok, give a dog to each kid, send them out, try to gather cats or shoo them, get meds and medical info, get laptops and backup drives while Lloyd gets paperwork........ You know, normal trains of thought.

On the serious side though, after this morning's event, I think I'm going to have to have a chat with my children. Trevor was on it - up, out dressed, glasses, immediately. Conner crawled out in his robe, for about ten seconds and then disappeared back to bed. Anna's reaction to the fear (and the bad detector was in her room) was to crawl deep into bed, and hide under the covers. I had to go looking for her. Real scenario? If I have to go looking for her, we have very large problem.

So anyway.
Yeah.
I get my CT results today too, so you could say that the adrenaline is flowing!!

I'll text, tweet, blog and facebook the results as soon as I have them. I really mean AS soon, since there is WiFi at the cancer center and I have this handy little magic tricorder tablet.
Watch this space!

Down the hatch!

2010-10-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

Barium is one of my very least favorite food groups.

It's no secret to anyone that I go well out my way to have my CT scans Chico, instead of up at the hospital that I rightly call my second home, puely because their barium tastes better. It tastes like children's aspirin or Orange Julius.

Hey, I have to have it, so I might as well at least not hate it.

Yep, CT time tomorrow. Whee!

Diagnostics update

2010-10-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I still have my CT on Monday; and we're waiting on the Pap test results. However, the bone scan that was to happen this past Friday, well, didn't. I've rescheduled that thing to worry about for November. 3. You can blame my very temperamental stomach and intestines for the delay.

Frankly, the schedule is going to be rather frazzly-making for the next couple of weeks. Monday, CT at 10am, Weds, I see Dr. Mazj for the usual check up and labs. Chemo Thursday. Friday, at 9:30 in the morning, I get to see my new dentist again, so he can yank out another group of five more teeth, just for fun, you know.

HOPEFULLY I won't be needing the Neulasta shot this time, because that would mean heading up the mountain as soon as I'm done with the teeth, and the Neulasta shot gives me more side effects than the chemo sometimes!

Tuesday the second, I go see Andy, and then the rescheduled bone scan on Weds.

Needless to say that any days not listed as scheduled for appointments are scheduled for lots of sleep and sitting very, very still. I've been having more than my usual share of stress over everything lately, and I'm hoping that if I can get back into knitting again. That always did it for me in the past and I'm starting to feel like that might just be it again.

Typing, at least tonight, sure as hell isn't helping! I'm accidentally touching random keys, CONSTANTLY and spending half my time erasing!!! AH!!!

Enough for now. I just wanted to make sure the world knew not to go nuts looking for bone scan results just yet. As soon as I get 'em...I promise to share. A little reading, then off to dreamland with me.

I don't test well

2010-10-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

Can I just take the SAT again, and we'll call it a draw?
Yes, it's time for more tests, so I guess I should fill you guys in on the latest.

October 25 is my next CT date. I'm never thrilled about these, because they always give me a massive anxiety complex until I get the results. I don't think that's too unreasonable, considering the circumstances. I see Dr. Mazj on the 27th for my normal battery of labs (blood panels; both metabolic and chemistry) and pre-chemo check-in appointment, so he will almost certainly have the results then.

The 28th is, of course, chemo day, followed by Neulasta day on Friday.

Now let's go backward to the new and different things. First, on the 19th, I'll finally be starting on the long, expensive road to better dental health. That appointment will be for follow up on my extraction, a cleaning and taking impressions. After I recover a bit from chemo, I'll be back to have my bottom front FOUR teeth yanked out and replaced with a temporary "stay-plate" partial, until we get a few more things done on the bottom and can get the permanent bridges done. Frankly, I can't wait, weird fake teeth or not. I want to get it done before those front teeth just snap in half. Its absolutely frightening to look in the mirror and watch the chemo eat away the enamel of the teeth - sometimes I feel like I can see it happening, like watching a plant grow on a time lapse camera.

October is shaping up to be a hell of a busy month!! The odds of finishing a new Halloween costume are getting pretty bad.

SO, the latest test added to the month requires some explanation.
For quite a while now, I've had pains in my hips, which Andy thought might be bursitis. Some of you might remember back to 2001, when dancing actually managed to cause a stress fracture in my pelvis, which I first thought might be bursitis.

When the pains first came back, I wondered if I'd popped the fracture open again, but it seems stuck together just fine. With bursitis as the likely culprit, Andy gave me cortisone injections basically right into the hip socket itself. I've both hips done four or five times now, but the effects aren't lasting long enough now to make it useful.

Given that, Andy is now of the opinion that we were probably on the wrong track with the bursitis. Therefore, I now have an appointment on the 22nd for a bone scan up at the hospital. My orthopedic surgeon wanted me to have one back when, but I was a moron and used work and travel as an excuse for never managing to do it.

Now, unfortunately, we have a really important reason to do it, because the area that hurts so much - especially the first few seconds after I get out of bed each day - is deep inside the exact point where leg joins torso, and far, far too close to the area of my initial cervical tumor.
This does not make me happy.

::sigh::

All the fun and games start tomorrow. Today is for resting. LOTS of rest. I pushed myself a bit yesterday to make a nice roast chicken dinner with all the trimmings, as well as some brownies for our neighbor. I am paying for it today, but it was worth it to make a nice dinner, because that's something I can't do for my family as often as I like.

And why was I making brownies for the neighbor? Amy is our town animal control officer, and we are lucky enough to have her as a friend and neighbor. She's been a huge help to us with all of the lost dogs, kittens and ferret that have found their way to my door.

The other day, while I was at the doctor in Chico, and Lloyd was going in and out with UPS, transporting kids and other things, Amy's little girl saw a big black doggie running down the court, heading for the main street thru the development. She ran and got her mom, smart, smart little girl, and when Amy called Stella, she came right along back home.

WHEW doesn't even begin to cover it. If the little one hadn't seen her, and Amy hadn't known her (from a bit of dog sitting a couple times), god only knows where our puppy would have ended up. She is chipped, twice actually, and has all her tags, but it was getting near dark, and Miss Puppy doesn't know a thing about watching for cars or anything else. Absolute terror. We thought they deserved brownies.

Ok...I think that gets us caught up. Its going to be a busy month, lots of time up the mountain, and really a lot of stress, fear and worry on my part, but I will be able to update you all very promptly as I get results. Yay for a cancer center with a patient WiFi network!

Boo for needing one.

Hey, lookie! No, over there!

2010-10-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

No, over THERE. Right around October 25, next to the CT machine...

It's a giant free-floating anxiety attack!
Whee!!!

Not.
Yes, I just looked at the calendar and noticed that it's damned near CT time again. Instant anxiety attack I don't know where the days and nights all go, but they are sure going fast these days. I have dozens of projects in some form of progress, from concept to almost done, but none of them seem to be moving anywhere. The days, weeks, months just fly by and I keep having Ferris-flashbacks about missing it.

Well, it's nearly 1am, and I'm just now writing something on the poor, neglected blog, so that should give you some idea, huh?

So, quickly, let's see....... the worst part of the tooth extraction nightmare is past. The first of several, sadly. Chemo was rough, since I had the Neulasta and flu shots right on top. Then, I saw Andy on Thurs, Friday, on to the dentist, and here we are. Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Is it time for my nap yet? Oh! It is! I get the feeling that my darling husband would like it very much if I would put down the idiotPad, shut up and go to sleep. Besides, I can't hold my ice pack and type at the same time.

The post-chemo ickies!

2010-10-02T21:03:00.001-07:00

Well, all hopes to the contrary, the post-chemo ickies have arrived right on schedule, helped out by not only a Neulasta shot but also a combo flu vaccine, leaving me with not just one but TWO sore-as-hell arms.

To put it simply, I don't feel good,at ALL. I can't get the pillows comfortable, the electric-skin syndrome is in full bloom, you name it. All I want right now is to lay down and be comfortable, but the odds of that happening are pretty damned slim. I need more drugs.

Off to squiggle around looking for comfy. I know it's here somewhere!

My Summer Vacation, Part 1: Thank Yous & Credits

2010-09-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

Since I am so far behind in my postings, I figure I might as well start with the important thing - thanking all the people who made my first trip "home" in way too many years such a fantastic time.

First, of course, to Auntie Cheryl & Auntie Kathleen for starting the whole thing. The trip might have started out to be all about Anna, but it turns out that I was pretty glad her daddy wouldn't let her fly alone, because I had the time of my life! Being able to hand her off to you guys, where I knew she was having a blast & in the best hands in the world, gave me time with my friends that was the biggest gift I could ever, ever have. You guys really are incredible, and everything you did with and for Anna was a priceless gift that neither she or I will soon forget. It was really neat for me to give her not just cool new experiences, but also a peek into my childhood, in the same places I went at almost exactly the same age.

Mel, that goes for you too! Did you love having a mini-me shadow for a week? Anna worships you even more than she let's on. The time she got to spend with you was probably the high point of the entire trip for her. Now I just have to figure out when I'm flying you up here, because **I** didn't get nearly long enough with you at all. There are conversations to have and knitting to do!

Next, I want to thank everyone who came out for the BBQ that my wonderful Auntie threw for me. I had ALL my Aunties there!!!! And both my favorite uncles, my sweet cousins, and my very best friends. That was absolutely friggin' cool!! You all went to so much trouble, driving so far, cooking and baking for me, baking cherry pie for me...drool! In a lot of ways it was like a very happy flashback to all the great family gatherings when I was a kid.

A then POOF!! It was over way too fast! I didn't get enough time to sit and talk with each of you, which I really wanted to. I was really sad when everyone had to leave to make the too-long trek home.

I definitely miss you all at other times, but I don't think I have ever missed you as much as when that party ended. I need another two weeks down there by myself, just seeing family & friends. I might have to find a way to swing that somehow...
But all of you that made so so SO much effort for me - Thank You!. Those words seem pitifully inadequate. Very pitifully.

The other priceless gift I got on this trip was time with two of my oldest, bestest friends in the world. No matter what we did, just sitting with you and talking over dinner is something I haven't been able to do in years. It always still kind of surprises me how easy it is to just pick up right where we left off as if no time at all, no years and years, had passed in the interim. Sometimes, being isolated up here in the boonies so far from you guys is a lot harder than I let on. "Friend time," sans husband or kids is very seriously good for my mental state! No matter how dearly I love my husband and kids, friend time is just a whole 'nother animal; especially with the people I've very literally grown up with.

And speaking of animals.......!! I spent three days at the beach watching buses come and go, almost all with the giant San Diego Zoo "Elephant Odyssey" ads on them, thinking what a bummer it was that there was no way I'd make it down there this trip. I was exhausted from all the driving I'd done already! So a huge thank you not Darcy for being fearlessly spontaneous and hauling us down there for a most of a day. I can't believe I did that whole trip on foot. I sure as hell paid for it after, but it was worth every Advil. I think the munchkin was pretty damned impressed too, despite the carefully postured teenage indifference at times. The huge genuine smiles and giggles broke through often enough for me to know the truth! Me, I felt like I was about 5, seeing animals I'd never ever seen in real life. I think I had more fun than the five-year-olds there. Next time, gotta remember to hit the children's zoo though - you get to touch things in there! ;->

So, as I sign off and go get ready to head up the mountain with Daddy for my pre-chemo checkup and labs, the point is this:
To each and every one of you, a huge, heartfelt thank you for every minute of that trip. I'd list you all individually, but I ran outta time! ;-p

I love you all, very, very much!!!!!!

I found my notecards!!

2010-09-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Now how exciting is that? Now I can regale you will all the exciting minutiae I've got jotted down on them, but not today.

Today, Daddy is coming up to babysit me while Lloyd's gone on a motorcycle ride that might turn into an overnighter. That's ok, because WE are going to dinner and a Dave Alvin show at the Sierra Nevada Brewery tonight. I scan the email list I get of upcoming acts hoping Dave will come back, and I got lucky- he's here, and Dad is able to come up and go to the show with me.

So, since Dad will be here about the time the kids get home from school, and I have a couple hours free till then, I am laying down and closing my eyes like that little guy over there----->

The next few days will be pretty busy with doctors and labs and chemo and having Dad to talk to, so I don't figure I'll get in another entry till after I come out of the chemo fog. Monday I go see Andy, and Tuesday I go see Dr. Davis for my six month Pap test... Yeahhhh....I'm going to be tired.

So, that's where I'll be. Have fun till I get back.

A Happy Doggie & A Tired and Ooky Me

2010-09-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

Well, the most important news there is is that my girl is feeling better.

The meds that the vet gave us seem to be doing the job, and she's been holding down water and bland foods for over 48 hours now. I feel terrible that she's starving to death, getting just tiny bits of canned-bland or boiled chicken & rice, but she's so happy when she gets anything that I guess its ok. We were able to up the amount a little and mix in a little kibble for her dinner last night too. I think just eating dinner at the same time as the other dogs made her feel better, even if I was still hand-feeding her. I've been doing that since the beginning - feeding her off a fork or spoon so she wasn't able to wolf down the whole meal in 3 quick gulps.

That really is the only news there is. I'm not feeling terribly well myself right now, so I don't really feel like being a terribly witty blogger right now. I still want to find my index cards with all of my witty blogger notes on them, so I will probably be obsessive and look for them again.

Most of those entries are going to require lots of typing and photos, so I'll have to migrate down to the laptop anyway. I just don't know what the helll crApple's problem is with letting me upload photos anywhere, but it's really pissing me off!!!

Anyway, I don't have any idea why I feel so crappy this weekend, but I suspect that tha smart thing to do would be to take it easy, rest, SLEEEEP, and consume lots of liquids. And so I shall.
More later!

The Catching Up With Everything entry

2010-09-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well, there are so many entries I've wanted to write, and I haven't got to any of them, AND I've lost the index cards with all my notes on them, so I'm just going to have to wing it. ::sigh:: I'll be trying to catch up on everything, but I'm realizing that it'll take me more than one entry, otherwise I'll take about a week to write it. So, one thing at a time.

I guess I'll go backwards, most current news first.

My Peadog
My baby girl is sick, which of course is the most important news there could be. She doesn't ACT sick, thank god, but she's barfed six times in 24 hours. A few times I thought we were past it - she went 12 full hours overnight - but nope. Many vet phone calls and we're off to the doctor in just a few minutes from now. (10:10 am Friday Sept 24) Update, and finishing this entry when I come home, of course.

Well, a very large sum later, we're home, with pretty much no idea at all what's causing her to be sick. She hasn't barfed since morning (jinx...just wait) and has kept all her meds down for almost an hour and a half now. Cross your fingers. We've got her on Prilosec, Compazine and something to coat the mucosa in her digestive tract and we're just hoping it all stays in to do some good. She had blood, urine and stool tested and everything there looks ok, which is the big relief. Now we just wait. I'm keeping her upstairs with me again, where I can confine her to the bathroom if needed (it's big and open, so I can see her and she can see me, which helps) and most of the time, I can keep her on the bed, on the crib-pads we had to buy when Stella was having bladder leaks. I think I'm going to take a nap while she's sleeping.

Stay tuned and pray for her to have a strong stomach, at least for an hour or two. I wasn't planning on being up at 7 am, and I'm tired.

The idiotPad
Well, my lovely little device apparently comes with some limitations. We went to the crApple store at the mall out in Roseville, which lived up to its name right away by the nicely insistently firm young lady at the podium telling us that in order to ask some questions we had to have an appointment, and that the first such they'd be able to give us was over 2 hours away. If you wanted to buy something, you could talk to anyone you wanted, but if you already owned it, you needed an appointment. That did NOT improve our feelings toward the crApple brand too terribly much... I went and explored Sephora for the first time ever, and after that improved my mood a bit, I went back and tried again. This time, instead of going to the official person at the official podium, I found a nice young man and cornered him.

And, after all of that trouble, it turns out that the answer to almost all of my questions was: No.
Uploading photos into Facebook though the normal web interface? No. Apple's fault? Of course not; it's a software thing, and until Facebook changes their site, sorry. Blogging on blogger in the normal "compose" box, instead of this, the "edit html" box? No. Apple's fault? Of course not; it's a software thing, and until Google changes their site, sorry.

I see.

Unfortunately, there was absolutely no way in the world for me to find out about these kinds of things before I bought. Every website is different, and some of the programming plays nicely with Apple's technology, and some doesn't. And, of course, Apple's technology doesn't play nicely with anyone, so it has to work the other way around. The good news is that supposedly these things will become far less common as the rest of the world catches up with the idiotPad. I do believe that, because I think these things are going to be pretty much everywhere pretty soon, so I will hang in. If I returned it and got a net book, I'd have different problems, and it would weigh nearly twice as much. ::sigh::

Well, at least the nice young man did tell me how to get my idiotPad to sync with my laptop, even if it did take about 3 hours the first time, and that wasn't even transferring all my photos. I have a loooooooooot of music.

Ok, time for a nap before my gorgeous girl decides it's time to wake up and be active. Luckily, with her age and my illness, we move at about the same pace these days.

And we like our naps.
Soon, more exciting posts, with topics such as:
*What I Did On My Summer Vacation
*Why My Stuffed Animal Collection Is So Much Cooler Than Yours
and
*Why "The Passage" (the book, in case you have been on Mars this summer) Sucks So Seriously That It Pissed Me Off

Stay tuned.

Attack of the idiotPad

2010-09-18T00:38:00.000-07:00

Can I type here now?! So, if I try to type in the "compose" pane, I get nowhere. If I go to the "edit HTML" pane, off I go.
Frustrated would be a mild description.

And I CAN NOT POST PICTURES TO FACEBOOK EITHER.

WHAT THE HELL?

If the fancy idiotPad can't do what my cell phone *can,* we're going to have a real problem.

Well, here goes nothing

2010-09-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it really was nothing!

The magical iPad is here. Sadly, it is SO magical that it's kind of like something out of Harry Potter, and I don't have the spells to unlock it yet.

This was technically my first post from the iPad. Unfortun

ately, while I was able to enter a title and (accidentally) hit the "post" button, I could not find a single mechanism by which to access the field to type the body of the post. You literally just can't go there. Aaaaannnnywhere else...but not there, nuh-uh, no way!

I feel like Pooh with his head in the hunny pot - it's all very nice and sweet, but you can't really get anything done....

(I'm writing this on the laptop now, having gone in to "edit" the post originally started on the iPad.)

In knitting, there is something commonly known as "i-cord," so named because, supposedly, it's so easy any idiot could do it. I'm starting to think of the name "iPad" as a similar abbreviation; only, in this case I AM the idiot who can't figure the damned thing out.

My kingdom for a cursor!

Or a real instruction manual!

Or navigational arrow keys!

But mainly a cursor!

Is there an "iPad for Dummies" book? Can I get it on the Kindle? Or on the iPad?!

Stay tuned for the solutions to these and other equally exciting mysteries as I continue my quest.

I will say that the idiotPad has a couple of things going for it so far-

When opening the bookshelf app for the first time, it gave me a free book to play with. Does it give every user the same book? The book *I* got was the full-color original (not Disney-style) "Winnie the Pooh." Some of you out there are going to understand what a delicious coincidence that is.

And it is pretty. It is really, really, really pretty!!

Circus? I have one right here at home!

2010-09-13T11:14:00.001-07:00

Well, those who know me well know that I was really looking forward to going to the circus this weekend. Didn't happen.

In the big picture, it was a good thing that I didn't go, because me not going meant almost everyone else DID get to go, and it was very important that Anna get to go, as it was her birthday party substitute.

Me? I got to experience my first massive teenager-meltdown. You know, the kind where the teenager in question stomps off and disappears, prompting a neighborhood search wherein he needs to be boxed in by two parents while a third on the phone begs him to stop being stubborn and get in the car.

That kind. Many mentions of police involvement were made, but they didn't seem to interest him one bit. Nothing broke through - not yelling, not sarcasm, not being calm, nada. I guess when teenage boys get that angry, the testosterone takes over and they don't care about ANYthing.

AND, then once he has been transported back home (and I have succeeded in begging Lloyd to take Trevor, Anna and Anna (her twin/best friend) to the circus as planned, since it IS Anna's birthday party equivalent, and because by the time we mapped out directions for me to drive them, we'd miss the show), the child locks me out of the house (luckily I had insisted Lloyd not drive off until I made sure my keys were in my purse), and then when I go upstairs to his room, he's throwing things at the inside of his closed door, attempting to barricade me out.

I had to push my way in against his throwing things, getting rather bruised and battered in the process (I was already DEEEEEP in the middle of a massive lymphedema attack and other side-effect fun, which was yet another reason for Lloyd to go and me to stay), so I could demand his cell phone.

He responded by screaming at me to "take it," which I calmly refused to do, explaining that I would A) never do such a thing and B) that if I actually tried, he would doubtlessly hit me in some way as pure reflex, and I wasn't going to let that happen either, because *that* would have to have severe repercussions beyond my control. ::sigh::

"WHAT THE FUCK IS LIFE ANYWAY?!" was his response to that.

A ****very**** calm speech from me later (explaining that life was actually about people who love you, and continue to love you no matter whether you are sad, depressed, happy, triumphant, etc., and never stopped loving you even through shit like this; and that nothing he could do at that point was going to change MY feelings about him, because I chose him as my stepson, etc, etc, etc. AND discussing ways of getting out aggression, such as why smashing things was both therapeutic and a very bad idea, AND some deep sarcasm thanking him for the workout, since I was trying anything I could think of) he finally handed over the phone without incident and threw himself on his bed like (in his mother's words,) "a little girl."

She pretty much nailed it. She and I must have spent over an hour on the phone that day, in 2 or 3 conversations, which I know helped me - I hope it helped her, because we were both really upset.

After a couple hours of letting him calm down (and collecting all the things he was no longer allowed to use AND locking all my meds in a lockbox; yet another exhausting round of exercise), I went up to see if he was even awake, and tell him to start his homework - huge, ridiculous piles of homework - found his door barricaded AGAIN........had to push my way through it AGAIN....and found him still as pissed as he was in the first place. Actually, I think the fact that I was capable of getting in pissed him off more than anything.

After that one, I explained to him that if he kept up with the barricades, his father would *probably* take the door off the hinges, and he seemed to believe me, because he finally stopped that one and got to work on his homework with the door open. I gave him his iPod as a peace offering, but I guess it didn't work, because he was still verbally abusive and nasty to me yesterday.

When all was said and done, I finally had to do something I hate doing more than anything in the world and tell him that for now, I was going to step out and let his father handle him exclusively. Unless there is a real emergency, involving fire, blood, or both, he is to ask Lloyd for anything and everything, and Lloyd will handle his discipline, priviliges and anything and everything else. Period. I had to do this with Trevor a few years ago, and it was MISERABLE, and I'm not going to enjoy it any more this time.

The really fun part? I don't have the faintest idea why he was mad in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so begins another enjoyable period in my step-mothering career. NOT!

Right now, I am tired. I am swollen with huge amounts of fluid. I have bruises up and down my right leg and random other places from fighting through barricaded doors. I have sore muscles in every part of my body.

I am depressed beyond comprehension.

But other than that, things are peachy-keen!

I'm going to go sit downstairs (I spent the day in bed yesterday, which did help immensely) and elevate my legs and sort through photos, as I await the receipt of our neato-coolo new photo scanner, so I can finally get them all digitized.

In the meantime, for your entertainment, I'm going to post the big pile of pics from our trip down South on Flickr, but be warned - I'm not sorting out all the blurry or strange ones yet. I'm too damned tired, and my hands hurt too much. That will come later. I got some incredible pics at the San Diego Zoo, so you should enjoy it anyway.

More when I can... Advice for the day: Don't have teenagers. Force your children to skip from about 8 or 9 to 25 in one step. Or send them to Hogwarts to wait it out. ;-)

Ch ch ch ch ch- changes....

2010-09-09T22:37:00.001-07:00

I hate change. Really, I do. Change is bad. But, Google gave me cool new blogging tools and backgrounds and I plan to use them to express my overall blogging mood for the day. Evolve or go extinct, like that dude there, right?

There are actually going to be a lot of changes coming down the pike, so be ready for it, people. I do not take change lightly (you might already know that about me by now!) but, it's time.

First will be a change to my email address. I will not be ditching my beloved Blue Blvd, but I'll be changing my personal email name. That is going to be given out to friends only and not randomly strewn about the internet as my current name has been. A decade of domain ownership, small business ventures, association memberships and lord knows what else has left me miserable. I dread looking at my email! When I came home from vacation, I had an inbox with well over 600 messages waiting for me. On average, about 8 or 10 of those will be directly for me, something I did subscribe to, or at least not spam. Those numbers just don't add up for me.

So, the old one will remain up and collecting spam for quite some time while I make sure everything that should be moved gets moved. Then I'll convert over to a private address @blueblvd.com, for use with all y'all, and a "business transactions" gmail address for things like registering on websites, signing kids up for things and all those other random things that come up where I don't want to give out my private contact just yet.

Anyone like the new blog background? I kind of like the idea of changing it to reflect the mood of the post. New look, new names, new blogging ideas, the whole enchilada. I want to make some changes, and this is a good place to start. Good as any, I guess!

So, the update on me today is that I feel crappy. NOT as crappy as I have on other occasions, such as last night, but I feel like hell. I had the Taxol chemo (low dose, ha ha) and the Neulasta follow-up shot, and if there's a side effect possible for either of them, I got it. I've also felt like I'm getting a bit of a cold or flu on top of those. Last night and today was a really fun lymphedema adventure, but I'm better now.

Most of my today has been sadness and worry for others. One of those stories is not mine to tell, so all I will say is - it's on the way, so hang on tight!

The other concerns my dear Auntie. As you might have figured out from reading my blog, my Auntie has never met a stranger, and never failed to make a friend. She is the kindest person on the planet and has an entire galaxy of friends. Those friends become part of her heart, and losing one of them is almost a physical injury.

I just found out today that one of my Auntie's dearest friends (I'll call her J.) went into hospice a couple days ago. I know that Cheryl will be there with her almost night and day while J finishes this last bit of her dance with this disgusting, insidious fucker called cancer.

I haven't met J, but I've discovered that I'm devastated all the same. I can't fix anything for J, I can't make my Auntie or any of her friends any less sad, I can't give some little kids back their mom, nothing. So, all I can do is be sad with them all, and send every bit of good karma I can spare speeding off to Southern California.

I know I can count on all of you to do the same.

I also know that I'll be counting each and every one of you when I count the stars to go to sleep tonight. All of you are what keep *me* going. Love you all.

Weekend forecast: very bloggy ahead

2010-09-04T10:25:00.001-07:00

Saturday....

Well gang, I have been seriously remiss in keeping up this blog lately. And by lately, I mean over the last, oh, what - year? Um, yeah, that's about it. And that's going to change.

I am hereby committing to becoming a regular blogger again. I kind of liked it when I was keeping up with this every day and getting your feedback. Since I'm back in chemo, starting the "pretty much for the rest of my shortish life" phase of the chemo experience, it seems like a logical time to get back to it.

The only problem with my newfound urge to blog constantly is that I'm constantly not here lately. The chemo experience itself is a 3-day program - Dr. visit & labs; chemo; Neulasta shot & hydration. I'll also be trying to get a bunch of dental work done, I have my gastric tests next week, etc. You know what I mean.

Point is, I'm not near my laptop very often, and its pretty impossible to drag it with me places, because, at nearly 5lbs, it is way, way, way too heavy for me. How sad is that?! When I bought it, I was thrilled at how light it was compared to my past laptops. Now, I'm such a weakling that 5# is very painful to hold after a few minutes.

Thus, I'm considering investing in a netbook, or even an iPad. Then I can take it to chemo, everywhere, and be mobile. At this point, I have a zillion questions running through my head as I try to figure out which option is best for me.

I was able to see an iPad in person on my vacation thanks to Darcy, so I've started my quest by asking her some of my zillion questions. I'd love to hear what

you guys have to say too.

Here is the big big question:

My biggest hesitation, after the fact that it's made by Apple: Can you REALLY actually *type* on the fucker?!! It would defeat the entire purpose if I had to get the keyboard.

I want one of these devices because I want to be able to blog anywhere, without having to do it on my phone. Blogging is thing one, period. But, ditto email - the phone is just damned small. If I could take the laptop everywhere, I would be SO caught up on my email, blog, life... It's too big and too heavy for me anymore. The places I frequent all have wifi, like the chemo center. The real keyboard makes the netbook come out ahead. The size and weight wins for the iPad. There are a dozen pros and cons on each side, to the point where it's damn near even.

Needless to say, this is NOT a small investment for someone who lives on a fixed income and has bad teeth, but my idea is to convert my entire online world to the small device - you know, blog, facebook, twitter, email.

That means taking the laptop off the internet entirely, cleaning the hell out of it and making it "sterile" for safe documents, photos, etc, with much less chance of a kaboom. Hopefully that would make good sense in the long run, as carrying around the smaller, lighter device would be much better for me physically, and hopefully sterilizing the laptop, with its heftier computing power for photoshopping and pagemaker-ing, would make it last longer.

I'm also looking at a dedicated photo scanner for the laptop, so I can work on the 8 or 9 boxes of prints and albums Dad has deposited, so I want to get it cleaned up, and good. There is a lot of family history at stake.

So anyway, that's what's been going on today: contemplating my computing future while trying to ignore lots of side effects. Sadly, they will get worse tomorrow, and then, Monday, I get to prep for my enema on Tuesday. I am not having near as much fun as this little guy over there----->

---------

Sunday....

I have this very bad habit of writing blog entries and then forgetting to post them. Oops. I'll be working on Sunday's entry soon, but I thought I'd post Saturday's column first.

The ultra-quick update

2010-09-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

Well, Anna and I just got back from LA for our little trip to the beach and visiting friends and family. It was....well, it was a vacation. We had an absolute blast at times, and some things were a royal pain in the ass. I absolutely promise to write about it all very, very soon, but tonight I have to be in a bit of a hurry.

Tonight is just a quick note to make sure everyone knows that I'm back in chemo tomorrow afternoon. We knew I would be going back to chemo this month, but I thought it would be later in the month. I came home, and poof!

It's going to be a fun-filled several days. Tomorrow, I go see Andy at 9, then up to Paradise for chemo by 2:30. Monday, I have to do the oh-so-fun PREP for my barium enema on Tuesday. Don't you wish you were me?!

So now, I am going to go upstairs and change my sheets, clean up my room as much as I can and prep things for post-chemo coma time. Oh, such joy!

I promise to write lots, huge lots,more, about vacation and everything else going on. I promise!

Right now, I'm as tired as this guy!

Clean, but at the same time, really full of shit

2010-08-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

And how, you ask, can something be both clean AND full of shit at the same time? Easy, when you're talking about my CT scan results!

"Clean" means that there are no signs of nasty icky cancer.*

*I'll explain what the asterisk means in a second. I realize that usually the asterisk means that you'll explain something later, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to be redundant.

"Really full of shit" means that my intestines really have only been doing half their job, and it would seem that they're holding onto about 93% of all the food I have ever eaten, in the form of waste.*

*That sentence is ALL about the comma, ain't it?!

SO, the first of those two things means that there has been no "significant" growth, change or multiplication of the little cancer nodules in my lungs. One node shows about 1mm of growth, which is not technically significant.

Looking forward, I'll have another scan at the end of October. Starting in September, we'll begin doing some low-dose maintenance chemo - low-dose Taxol, once a month/4 weeks. I absolutely do not mind this one tiny bit. These little lung tumors seem to be very slow-growing (which is a shocker, because the primary cancer was a ridiculously aggressive, speedy little fucker), but if they are growing at ALL, I would far rather deal with a few more chemo side effects to keep it slow than have them become "significant" enough to require major treatment again.

The second part of things, the being full of shit, merits some looking into - literally. I'll be getting a call to see a surgeon about a colonoscopy (yick) to see what in the world is going on in there. It's possible that scar tissue from previous surgeries has caused my intestines to become squooshed up and create some right angles and hair-pin curves in there, instead of the normal smooth loops that normal people have.

We all know how far I am from normal, so none of this is surprising either. If anyone's going to get strange things growing inside her to take up the space of all the piles of things that have been removed, it would be me.

And that, my dear friends, family, and assorted strangers who like reading about my private parts and internal organs, is about all the news there is in the world.

Other than that. . .

We're dropping Stella off at puppy camp for a few days next week, so she can have a little doggie vacation (no, seriously, they have commercials on tv about their doggie vacations!), running in the fields, swimming in the muddy, froggy ponds and getting some refresher sessions with her favorite trainer, Tai.

While Stella is off at camp, we're going to load the big kids in the car and wander off on some day trips to places that older, less spastic doggies will enjoy, and possibly even an overnight trip if we get really ambitious. Pea is starting to have more and more trouble getting around, thanks to her bad shoulder, AND she's sporting an absolutely gigantic hematoma in one ear which makes her feel fairly crappy too, so I want her to have some fun while she's able to really enjoy it.

And we're stir-crazy too. With the kids gone, we can't leave the house for more than 4 hours at a time, because Stella has to be crated so that she doesn't chew her way through a wall to go look for us outside.

That said, next week is our last week before the kids get home! This summer has FLOWN past, and all the cleaning-up and cleaning-out we swore we would get done while they were gone have largely been passed over in favor of sitting on our butts watching tv or reading.

This all ALSO means I have to get of said butt very soon and start getting myself together for my trip South to the beach with Anna at the end of the month.

I think that's it...there are gifts to be wrapped and shipped, craft project gifts to be finished so they can be wrapped and shipped, and all the usual little things, but most importantly, I had a good CT scan. I figure that's what you all wanted to read about the most.

So if you're expecting a gift from me, be patient, I'm getting there. ;-)

Oh, hurray!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, you can disregard most of my last post.

Our friends are NOT losing their house!!!

There is "something" going on, the details of which I am not privy to, and that is just fine and dandy, as long as they are not losing their home.

That is the only thing that matters.

---------------------

Nothing else is going on. We're being lazy in front of the tv, I'm doing some surfing and shopping online, and resting. The air quality here today is in the "ridiculously unhealthy" range, and my allergies were already acting up - So, being utterly brilliant, I started tidying up in my room, and dusting everything in sight. Now my chest is all tightened up, hurts, and breathing is not any fun.

Sitting is good.

Must not pluck eyebrows... & A really major bummer

2010-07-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

Must...not...pluck!

Man, that's hard - watching these little dark black hairs sprout out and having to resist touching any of them.

See, like the rest of my hair, almost all of my eyebrows fell out. The only part that really stayed visible was the widest part of the brow, closest to the nose. Well, they're coming back now, but they're coming back randomly, a hair here, and a hair there. Some of them are also coming in ingrown, which requires me to try and exfoliate the dead skin on top without pulling the hair.

Obviously, there's going to be some shaping to do and plucking will be very necessary. Now here's the big issue: The problem is, I haven't the foggiest idea which hairs will end up being the good ones and which ones will end up being the bad ones, shape-wise.

I'm really very, very tired of looking sloppy and ugly and icky. And stop right there, all of you who feel you have to comment and say I'm not ugly and icky. I know what you're going to say, thank you, but *I* feel ugly and icky, and I'm sick of it.

Grrr.

But anyway, on to something that actually means something - my eyebrows and feeling ugly are so completely meaningless, in the real scheme of things.

What's meaningful is the news that some friends of ours, a family here in Gridley, are losing their house; at least, so says the legal notice Lloyd read in the local paper, which says their house is about to be auctioned off.

I'm hoping this is a giant misprint, a mistake, something. But if it's real.... This is HORRIBLE, and I'm really, really depressed.

I don't think they read this blog, but all the same I'm not going to say anything to ID them. We didn't know a thing about it until we read it in the paper, and there's really no good way to go up to someone and ask if they're really in foreclosure.

I wish there was, because I want to tell them how sorry I am, and offer any help we could. I've been at rock bottom, and I know what it feels like, and it doesn't feel good. I've made it through thanks to my family and friends, and I'd like this family to know that we're here for them. People close to me have visited this particular department of hell, and I know how horrible it is.

If they want to keep this matter private, then I won't say a thing.

If they want help...well, I'm not much use for packing and moving stuff, but I could

recruit a bunch of people who can pack, haul and carry;
keep the coffee/soda/beer flowing; and
make a lunch for all the workers so that they could come take a break in my nice cool house and have something to eat.

We have a mutual friend who may know a lot more about this than I do, and I will definitely be asking her if she knows what's going on.

I guess it was really only a matter of time before the "mortgage crisis," as they call it on the news, hit closer to home for us.

Unfortunately, it just really fucking sucks.

Blog, bloggetty blog blog!

2010-07-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

7/12

I am blogging.

I would really prefer to be booking my plane tickets to fly down to LA with Anna in August for a week of fun and relaxation, but no, I am blogging, because Southwest Airlines, despite their wonderful prices and free checked bags, is entirely FUCKED UP right now! I can't book our flights, because their site has an "error."

I can't book the hotel nights I need, at a fabulous price IF I pre-pay the entire cost, because I do not have plane tickets booked, and even as out of practice as I am at this whole travel thing, I'm pretty sure it would be stupid to pay ahead for hotel nights that I won't be able to keep if I'm not even able to get the FUCKING PLANE TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ditto the car rental.....

So, I'm blogging.

(Yeah, I keep trying Southwest again, and I get the same error)

So...how are you all? I'm doing dandy, but I want a nap. Everyone in the house, I think all species, are taking a nap right now *except* me. That just doesn't seem fair at ALL.

I'm on some new happy pills that are supposed to help me break my nap habit. Well, I think they're working. I'm slightly manic and more than slightly hyper. The first day I took one of these I was really hyper, and pushed myself too far, physically, and then had a really rough night, including one of the worst nightmares I've had in ages.

So, yesterday, I thought I'd try 1/2 a pill each dose; maybe be a little less manic, while still having enough "go" to skip my usual nap. The earlier part of the day went well, but then evening came, and I crashed out - just zonked on the couch. Alrighty.... I want a nap NOW. Grrr.

7/13

I got my nap, without really planning to. I kind of conked out randomly and never finished my ranting blog. That's probably best for all concerned, huh? Today, I'm taking the day off. Then again, today is almost over already, so maybe I should take tomorrow off too. All I want to do is read a book and take a nap. That's not so much, really, but "gotta do" stuff keeps intruding. *sigh*

But I got the plane tickets. Whew.

Lloyd is on his way to Kaiser to do something about this horrible virus he's had for the last week, with coughing fits that probably wake the neighbors. I am beyond thrilled that he's finally going to the doctor!!!

The fact that I can play hooky and go lay down and read a book and maybe fall asleep ain't so bad either.........

HIPPO BIRDIE TO DAWN!

2010-07-11T11:45:00.000-07:00

A very big, happy, heartfelt Hippo Birdie to Dawn.

You are the greatest, and I'm blessed to have you in my life. I can't imagine it without you now.

Love you!!!!

More actual blogging later...had to get the important thing posted right away. ;-)

...and so here I am.

2010-06-30T01:13:00.000-07:00

I did promise in a recent (ahem, "recent" being a relative term) post to post more often...and so here I am.

I don't have a damned thing to say, really, but since when does that matter?

I am having one seriously crappy-ass day, how-I'm-feeling-wise, which I have thus far avoided mentioning to my husband, but which he will undoubtedly now find out about, seeing as how I've chosen to start making noise in the form of typing in an otherwise fairly quiet (if you ignore the tv, his snoring, and assorted dog-related noises, in order of volume level) room and thought that blogging about how crappy I feel might make me feel better...and so here I am.

So far today, I've tried to make myself feel better by laying in bed, watching tv, attempting to sleep, reading magazines, attempting to sleep, finally sleeping, watching more tv, and most recently, reading a Dave Barry book on my Kindle that has resulted in the kind of hysterical giggle fits that are entirely incomprehensible by people who don't quite appreciate Dave Barry on the level that I do and have actually woken (wakened? awoke? awake-i-fied? I have no idea, it's late) my snoring husband AND at least two out of three dogs more than once, which was a great but not perfect distraction...and so here I am.

I think it's actually only been the last half hour or so that I've realized that the entire problem with the day has been that I've been feeling so crappy...and that THAT would be the reason for "The Smell."

For those of you not acquainted with me, my blog, cancer, or all of the above, here's where I issue the mandatory disclaimer that what you're about to read definitely falls under what most people would call "TMI." For the rest of you, you're beyond being shocked at this point.

Ok, see, there was that day back a few months ago, don't ask me what month it was, but it must have been right near Easter because the kids were on a school break and the weather was atrocious, in the rain and wind shaking the house kind of way, when I spent two full days in utter misery before hitting the ER for many hours. Remember that? I sort of do. Anyway, one of the worst parts of that day, for ME, was The Smell. The Smell was coming FROM me. I was positive of this. Now, the good thing is, *I* was the only one who could smell it. I found this pretty unbelievable, really, like my darling husband was just trying to make me feel better - but Aimee swore she couldn't smell it either, and she's under oath never to say things just to make me feel better. A really severe oath.

So, in theory, no one else could smell this hellacious odor that was making me want to claw my eyes out, kind of like meth users do when they feel those invisible bugs on their skin. Foul, foul, foul....and I couldn't figure it out, except at the time, I'd been in the same pjs in the same bed on the same sheets for two days, and figured it was definitely sweat-based, like I was extruding chemo through my skin or something. Not a bad theory, right?

The first thing I did when I got home from the ER was to immediately strip out of everything I'd been wearing and re-dress in large amounts of clean, warm clothing. The Smell has pretty much been absent since then.

Oh, it's also noteworthy to note that this incident occurred a full two weeks after I'd had my last chemo of the first set of chemo treatments, and right after I was supposed to have my first treatment of my second set, BUT hadn't actually had it yet because I was so sick. So, not like the day after or something. Now, it's been a lot of weeks since my last treatment, and here it is back.

Hrm.

I don't get it, but I have absolutely determined that the smell IS coming from me, and that one of the places it definitely IS is in pee. Eww. TMI - I told you! Stinky pee! And because it's The Smell, it's making me insane. I don't know why it's back, but the fact that I feel crummy and The Smell is back add up to me having a really shitty-ass day, and wondering what the hell is happening. Is my body randomly, or on some schedule of some sort, purging some of the remaining chemo left in there? I have no idea!

But I'm less than thrilled...and so here I am. I owe lots of overdue email replies, most notably to two lovely gents whose names (given, taken, or otherwise) both begin with S, and one of whom is in a foreign country far, far away, and the other is in LA, which is almost further away, culturally speaking, from Gridley. I promise to get right on those messages, guys. Honest. As soon as I'm done babbling at the world via blog about my odd smells, during the wee hours.

Or perhaps I'll just take my sleeping pill and hope that banishes the feeling crappy, the snoring, The Smell, stinky pee and all, and the fact that the dogs are taking up at least 75% of the bed space. (I'm so not kidding -I would post a picture here, showing the tiny sliver of space that I have on one side, and my poor husband barely clinging to the other edge, barely not falling off, while the dogs form a perfect triangle in the middle, but my husband would kill me, and rightly so.)

Meanwhile, the only other noteworthy news of the day were the realizations that A) I actually kind of like a Macy Gray song, which should be vaguely criminal; B) I think I am developing a tv-crush on Jimmy Fallon, which will prove highly problematic when Conan comes back on, because my tv-crush on him is far, far stronger; and C) after typing all of this, I am actually starting to get tired.

Not tired enough to sleep, mind you, but just tired enough to be glad that I'm too old to be at a midnight showing of the latest Twilight movie, and too tired to go see if yet another change of wardrobe will banish The Smell. But kind of hungry.

...and so here I am.

I learn new things every day

2010-06-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

This past week-or-so, I have learned what a Wordle is. And what a meme is. (I always sort of pretended to know what a meme was, but I was never entirely sure.) Wordles are actually rather cool. I can't figure out how to make one of my own and actually paste it into this entry, but oh well.

I've learned that a long solo trip to the grocery store makes me very, very tired. I learned, in just barely the nick of time, that sometimes it's a good idea to answer an emphatic "YES!" and feel no shame when they ask you if you'd like help out to your car with that. I'm learning, slowly, just how useful it really is to park in the disabled spot.

I've learned that I'm secretly very jealous that I couldn't go kayaking too. I'm not at all jealous of the sunburns two of my kids have on their shins. (I SWEAR we tried to sunscreen them from top to bottom...)

And I'm learning just how hard it is to keep up a regular blog when I don't have major medical news to report all the time!! If you'd asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that I'd never have a blog, because I had nothing to say, and especially nothing that anyone would be interested in reading. I certainly didn't want that to change the way it did, having a massive, life-threatening disease to battle and chronicle - but as we all learn at some point, what happens, happens. So now, after something like two years of things I needed to share with all y'al, I'm back to having nothing interesting to say...which is now a very odd feeling.

I have an ingrown toenail. Is that interesting?! No, probably not.

Status Normal

2010-06-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

As promised, here I am! It's not daylight...I kinda missed that...but at least I'm here. Days later, but here.

Things here have been blessedly plain, mainly boring and normal. Normal for us, mind you.

School got out last Friday. The kids leave for their normal summer visit with their mother in mid-July, so they're mostly home until then. The boys are home - We've been busy this week getting things taken care of so Anna can leave on Sunday for a week- Annnnnd, by the time I got back to writing this, she's already almost ready to come HOME from her week of camp.

Anna got accepted - the ONLY person from her school - to attend a prestigious science & math camp at the Sonoma State campus, where she's living in a dorm for a week, attending special classes and projects, and today they were sea kayaking on Tomales Bay, up at Point Reyes. There was a rumor that they might have been visiting the Safari West wildlife preserve too. This is a pretty seriously cool camp. I am way jealous!! If only they'd needed parent chaperones....

So, since I've been trying to write this blog post for well over a week, I think, and not succeeding in getting it posted, I'm going for quick and dirty.

I am fine. Still side effect-y, still amazingly fatigued, but progressing normally. I went in and had my port flushed (apparently I have to do this every 4 to 6 weeks) and got hydrated while I was there. I figure, if we have to make the drive, I might as well get the hydration, because I can always use it. Writing that, I just realized that I haven't had one of my bits where my lips stick to my teeth because I'm so dehydrated - that's a very good sign!!!

I'm going to keep up the hydration though, because Dr. Mazj says I should ask every time I feel like I need it, so it seems kind of silly to drive allllll the way up the mountain and just get the shot and leave.

I'm trying to work on getting some stamina & strength back so I can get out of the house a little more. The cancer center arranged for me to get a wheelchair - but not so I can get wheeled around. Roni told me to use it like a walker, and push the empty chair most of the time; then, when I'm too tired to push anymore, sit down and make someone else push me for a while, then get back up and do it all over again. That actually makes pretty good sense to me, so I'm looking forward to trying it.

The only other item of note is that we're all waiting anxiously for the arrival of our 3rd great-granddaughter, Marley, if she ever decides she wants outta there. Allie is definitely waiting more anxiously than anyone else!!!

That's all folks! As I write this, things are almost downright boring and uneventful around here - absolutely NOTHING worth talking about. I hope all of you are just as lucky!

Ooops...

2010-06-17T01:32:00.000-07:00

I think I kinda-sorta owe you guys a blog post, huh?

Yeah....I will have to get around to that, like, immediately.

Tomorrow - immediately tomorrow. ;-p Well, it technically is tomorrow, if you want to get picky about it, but my darling husband is going to get really picky about things if I keep typing while he's trying to sleep.

Having justified a swift return to reading my Chelsea Handler book, which is absolutely fantastically fantastic trash, and I mean that in the best possible way, I'll see you all back here sometime when it's at least light out.

And the CT was good! Ver. 2.0

2010-05-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

As most of the universe probably knows by now (thanks to my endless texting, tweeting and Facebook status update), the CT was good. In fact, it was about as good as it could possibly reasonably be.

As with the last one, the nodules in my lungs have not moved, grown or multiplied. Dr. Mazj is of the opinion that some or all of them could be scarring left after the chemo bombardment.

There is no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body that we can see.

My port, the neat little gizmo that lets them deliver the chemo more directly and without destroying my veins, was giving me some trouble, and we were wondering if it had moved, gotten somehow disconnected, or something, so Dr. Mazj had them check that both on the CT and with a catheterogram yesterday. That involved putting me under some nice claustrophobic devices in the cath lab and shooting iodine into the port to look at it on a fluoroscope. So far, so good. We still don't know why it's bugging me, but it's where it should be and still working.

SO, after getting the great news from Dr. Mazj & then getting my port checked out, I sat down for one last hydration session, at least for a while, and then . . . I was set free for the summer, with plans to come back in September for another CT. A summer free of chemo and shots and *everything* icky!!!

But, we should make sure that the important details are clear:

None of this means I'm cured. I am not cured, and I will not ever be cured.
Right now, what I am is *stable* - no signs of the disease progressing.
If I stay stable, right where I am now, for some period of time, maybe years, then I'll be able to say I'm in remission, but I'm not sure how long that will take.
Any of this could change, at any minute, so I have to be sure to be vigilant about paying attention to my body and any changes or symptoms I might have.
I am not "well" yet, by any means. I still feel like crap, and chemo side effects can pop up ridiculous amounts of time after therapy has stopped; so I shouldn't worry if I'm still having issues throughout the summer, even if I need to go in and get hydrated every so on. It's going to take time for me to get back to where I was even last December; not to mention where I was before I got cancer.
The goal for the summer is to try and get back into a "normal" life, whatever in the hell that means, and start getting some strength back, healthy habits and a better ratio of up time to down time.
However . . . I still have quite a number of other health problems above and beyond the cancer which aren't gone and aren't going anywhere either. I'm not a healthy person, unfortunately.
And, most importantly:

There are absolutely NO guarantees that the cancer will not pop back up in my lungs, or in some other part of my body. My life span is still a complete unknown. I think I can say that it's longer than a year now, by quite a lot, but there is zero assurance that I will see 70 or 80 - or even 50 or 60.

All I know now is that I've got a chance; a reprieve. Nobody's future is certain, mine is just a little less certain than some peoples' in a lot of ways. Ok, one thing is certain: It's naptime.

More later...after I sleep.

To all of you out there, I love you very much. You are a large part of why I've made it this far.

To friend? Or not to friend? And, Portable Happiness

2010-05-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

In the last week or so, I've been getting a bunch of people wanting to befriend me on Facebook. At first I was pretty baffled as to who some of them were, researching them on fb didn't give me any answers.

Those were easy - click the "ignore" button, no concerns involved. It got a little harder when I realized that some of them were actually relatives, albeit relatives who I've not seen or even heard of since I was about 9. As the news of my cancer has spread into the distant parts of my family, I guess more people became interested in seeing what was going on.

Sooooo....I wanted to explain my little "policy" that's sort of evolved. This blog is public. It's meant and expected to be seen by anyone who cares to look and share part of this god-awful journey through the land of cancer. Come one, come all, peek behind the curtain at the freak show! 3 Ring Cervix, you know.

Facebook, however, is not public. I've made a personal decision that Facebook is for ME, as an adult, with my friends. On there, I don't want to be obligated to ask act like a grownup because my kids, grandkids, or whoever are seeing it. I don't want to feel that I have to censor anything I write and want to be 100% comfortable sharing my feelings, my thoughts, and my cancer crap without worrying that the information will be repeated anywhere else, or shared with people that don't even know me. So, with *very* little exception, the only friends I have on fb are people I am friends with and had experiences with out in the real world.

None of this is meant to insult anyone or reflect negative feelings about anyone. It's just that I don't know you. That's all. I want my one little private thing where I can still be the me that I was before I became Cancer Girl and had my whole world turned into one giant medical drama.

So...if you've asked me to be friends on Facebook and I have not accepted, that is the reason. Nothing more, nothing less.

Kind of long to explain, but pretty simple in the end. I figured I'd better explain to the world at large because I HATE hurting anyone's feelings.

OK! On to a happier topic!

I've started working on something to help me through some of the harder times. At first I was

thinking of a picture frame, filled with a collage of pictures of people and things that make me happy. Now it's mutated into something more. I have a stack of these little bitty 4x6 size photo albums that I got at the dollar store for putting recipe cards in, way back when. (Still a fantastic idea to organize all those recipe cards that float around your kitchen!)

I keep thinking of this as nano-scrapbooking. So far, all I've managed to do is start gathering the pictures and snippets of letters and stories that make me happy. It's something very personal, that's really only going to make sense to me, so I don't plan on sharing the actual product with anyone; however, I thought the idea was worth sharing. And we all know lots of people who could use a few more pieces of portable happiness...right?

CT scan was done this morning, despite a last-second worry that I wouldn't make it to the test, thanks to my intestines. I made it through all the barium nastiness, and in theory, we will get the results tomorrow afternoon when we go see Dr. Mazj. I honestly wish you could all be there with me to hold me up when I find out, but I know that my darling husband and the world's world's greatest team of nurses will do a great job.

It's the waiting that will make me insane...

Stay tuned.