I'm sleepy. Very, very sleepy. Headache-y and sleepy. I'm the kind of sleepy where I start talking and saying things that don't make sense to anyone else, because what I'm talking about is happening in my dream and not in real life. 
It confuses them. I can't imagine why.
Well, ok, I guess it confuses me a tad too. But mainly, it means I'm really damned tired and should be sleeping, but I'm trying NOT to be sleeping right now. My sleep patterns are utterly bizarre these days and I'm trying to get them back in line. I mean, up at 6, napping from 2-6 or 7 and then staying up till 2am is just not optimal.
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Now aren't you glad I shared that? It was a battle I was destined not to win, so off to bed went I. And far, far better felt I when I was done with another epic nap. I was so exhausted and confused that I was having trouble remembering if it was am or pm even before I zonked out.
But, luckily, I took the nap, got up when I was supposed to, fed the doggies, and conjured dinner for the two kids at home with me in the form of a pizza delivery chick.
This, folks, is about as exciting as it gets these days - and part of the point that I'm trying to get to. I feel like I spend half my time sleeping and the other half my time trying not to be sleeping. That combination is creating some significant problems in my life right now. I mean, if my body wants a nap, it gets a nap. No problem there. I've learned not to argue with this body by now. However, there are things I want to DO when I'm awake instead of constantly feeling like I'm either groggy still waking up or dozing off before the next nap.
Yesterday I did manage a big step, a major milestone, whatever you want to call it: I knitted an entire row. Yup, that's an accomplishment right now. It's been so long since knitting didn't HURT that it's almost like I'm afraid to do it now.
I can't figure out if I'm afraid of the pain, or afraid I'm no good at it anymore, or what in hell I'm afraid of, but countless projects lay in stages of completion, neglected out of fear. Other projects, in other media, are sprinkled around too, some barely started, some not even that far. These are the things I thought I'd try since I "couldn't" knit, and I've wound up afraid of all of them too. Has the medical community got a term for fear of craft projects? (they probably do...)
Cancer stole a lot of things from me, but I never imagined it would take away that happiness and calm I'd found in yarn. I want it back, but I'm not doing very well at figuring out how. I know there's still going to be some level of pain, but I suspect that my tolerance and ability is giant leaps and bounds from where it was a couple months ago, based on my hand and finger capabilities doing other things.
Maybe if I sat down at the swift and ball winder, and wound all of the delicious luxury yarn I bought in Santa Cruz almost 9 months ago? Maybe if I pushed through and finished something, even something as tiny as a little knitted snail? Maybe if I organized my printed-out knitting patterns? Maybe if I quit writing about it and just sat down and did it?? :-)
I did try spinning for a short while last week and was very pleased with the outcome, physically and mentally, so maybe the "get off your ass and just do it" Nike-inspired approach is the way. I just want the incredible sensation of calm and happiness that I used to have the minute I picked up my needles! I've thought about gathering my things and driving somewhere "pretty" to sit outside and knit but it's too damned hot.
Hrm.
Anyway...enough whining about my yarn problems and craft-funk. Medically, all quiet on the north-state front. I'm having bits of lymphedema here and there, which is always a bitch, but it's pretty mild overall. The prolapse is still prolapsing. I'm still experiencing lots of random pain at random times, which is significantly problematic. Significantly. But I deal with it, as usual.
Headaches, including some migraine-level monsters, have been a big player in this week's fun. W H E E. We all know how much fun those are.
Sometimes I can eat, but not any more often than before. However, there's been a breakthrough: I've found that sucking on hard candies - cinnamon red hots are my favorite; little sour candies; suckers; jawbreakers (the Penny Candy store in Live Oak is a wonderous place!!) - can help alleviate the nausea, help with my dry mouth and trouble swallowing, and generally make me feel better sometimes when I can't eat. This is a wonderful revelation.
The bursitis in my hips is acting up, causing lots of pain. The left is still far worse than the right, and when I see Andy for my normal monthly visit next week, he's going to shoot me up with cortisone again on that side. We did that last summer, and it kept things pretty well under control for the year, so I'm hoping for a similar result. Hopefully the right side won't progress to a point where I need to do anything like that. Hopefully.
I think that's about it for me... Anna's fighting the yearly battle with the gnarliest bug bites you'll ever see on a kid. She's basically going to spend her weekend kind of zonked and zombied because I have to give her benedryl when she gets these giant things. One of them landed her in the Kaiser urgent care ward on a Sunday, way back when we first found out how violently allergic she is to bug bites, so now we treat all bites as if they could go supernova on us! Cortisone cream and benedryl and lots of "watching." This time, she's got some that I can't ID as mosquito, spider or anything else known, so I've got to go Google these strange shaped boogers.
Weekend update, over and out. Goodnight(day) and have a pleasant tomorrow.
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