The long-overdue, hardest post ever

This post is far late in coming, but I think you'll all forgive me. It's also going to be fairly short, and to the point, but I think you'll all forgive me that too.

On January 26, I was told that I had been diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic cervical cancer, which had appeared in the form of small nodules in my lungs. The nodules were observed on my routine quarterly CT scan and biopsied viva needle aspiration of my lungs.

It is more than likely that the cancer cells traveled through the lymphatic system before my cancer surgery in September of 2008, when my pelvic lymph nodes were removed. The tiny nodules in my lungs appeared as early as March of 2009 on CT scans, but were so tiny and scattered in my lungs that it was physically impossible to get a biopsy sample using any procedure available. I was sent for a complete pulmonary function test and many x-rays. In the end, the pulmonologist who read the results said that if they were his lungs, he would not worry about these little specks for even a minute.

So I didn't.

I should have.

I skipped one routine CT cycle because I had to have the surgery in November to repair the vaginal prolapse problem I was having - at the time, the nodules still hadn't multiplied, migrated or grown in any way, so postponing the scan was no biggie at all.

My next CT was the one on January 11, where the nodules were observed to have multiplied and grown. Even so, they were still so small, and so diffused through the lungs that it was very hard for the radiologist to get a biopsy sample. The biopsy was done January 19 and I was told of the results on January 26.

If I chose not to commence treatment of this metastasis, I would have a clinical survival prognosis of 1 year to live. With aggressive treatment, I am likely to have yearS. There is no way to know how many. I began chemo on January 28.

The treatment protocol for this will be 3 cycles of chemotherapy, with each cycle taking 21 days, using a combination of Taxol and Carboplatin; with a Neulasta chaser to help my white blood cells rebound. After each set of 3 cycles, a CT scan will be done to determine how the cancer is reacting to the treatment.

And then we do it again.

And maybe again, and again, and again, and again, and again...........

Lather, rinse, repeat, 'cept this time will quite notably sans hair.

Beyond that, I don't know much of anything.

The one thing we have going in our favor in this is these nodules seem to be very slow-growing, so we may be able to eradicate the fuckers. We may get to a point when there is only one more stubborn one, and they can go in and remove it surgically. Everything is up in the air.

One day at a time, as they say.

All I know is that I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that I see the date January 26 come around a LOT more times. It's kind of a 2nd birthday for me, of I suspect it's a lot like people who have kicked a drug or alcohol addiction feel about the day they got sober. A celebration of another year still kickin'.

So, the chemo process is started, and it's ugly. These higher-dose/double-dose chemo doses pack one hell of a wallop, and the Neulasta shot, for the white blood cells, has some gnarly side effects TOO, but now that I've suffered through the first round, I know what I can prepare for. Knowledge is power, right?

I know that all of this isn't really happy news....to any of us...... But you can not suddenly start walking on eggshells around me, trying to ignore the 9998lb lime-green elephant in the room. It's here, it's not going anywhere, and it's going to get poked and prodded along the line.

I am still me. I still have a pretty rude, crude, sick, black, morbid sense of humor. I will probably make lots of jokes about dying. I'm allowed. So are you.

You are also allowed to ask me as many and whatever questions you might have. You'll probably have some.

I don't know how many days I have left, but I know how I refuse to waste them - mentally, physically or emotionally.

I admit that I am horrible about talking on the phone, because I just don't *like* it all that much anymore, but I loooooove text messaging (I *might* still be 8 years old somewhere in there), I love talking via email, Facebook & Twitter, and even that good old-fashioned snail mail of cards and letters.

I love hearing what's up in other people's lives more than you can imagine!

I will promise to try my very best to give at least a tiny answer to each! (all communiques accompanied by flowers & See's Soft Centers (nut-fee) candy will of course be given priority......) ;-P

In fact, I'm going to make an effort in between barfing and sleeping to try and have a one-to-one conversation with every one of my Facebook friends (even if it's over by email) and the 2 or 3 other friends or family members I have who aren't on Facebook.

There you have it. You, my friends, are also my family, my personal support network, my rocks, shoulders and ears when I need them, and a hugely important part of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being around.