And the CT was good!

There are no new nodules.

The nodules that there are have not grown at all since the last scan.

These are very, VERY, VERY good things!

I have a suspicion that I could not have had such a fantastic CT result today without all of you - and your kids, and your pets, custom running shirts, postcards, gifts, photos, email, text messages, bad jokes, good jokes, hand holding, holding me while I cry or while I just need holding, massages, rubbing my back, hats, scarves, thoughts, prayers, Eeyore, Dumbo, flowers, candy... and so many more things I can never think of them all.

So to all of you - my husband, children, father, brother, aunties, uncles, cousins, sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, brothers & sisters (ESPECIALLY sisters!!), by marriage and DECISION; and I was about to say *friends*...but the I realized there probably isn't anyone left who doesn't fit into one of those other categories...

SO, to all of you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

All the medical details will be on the blog here, as soon as I can get my head around it.

Right now, I am very, very, very tired, and I need to go lay down for a good long time.

It's that day.

It's results day.

I got three calls from the cancer center yesterday - of course, my heart skipped a few beats with each glance at the caller ID screen.

First, it was my social worker/counselor, checking in on the scheduling of my infusion and dermatology workshop times next week. They'd somehow gotten reversed, so we fixed that.

Next, it was Shirley, one of our case manager nurses (kind of like the stage managers for our endless productions) responding to the message I left with the service asking for another hydration session this week. I don't know why I need so much hydration, because I drink just plenty, but I can always tell when I do, so better to get the good stuff via IV.

Next, it was Shirley again, with the scary call. This was the call where she put on her best calm "nursey" voice and asked if I could come in a bit early today; say, 1:30 instead of 2:00? so we could discuss my test results from the CT on Monday.

It's my theory that, if the results were positive, any number of things could have happened: She could have pulled Dr. Mazj over for a real quick "Hey, don't stress, it looks like the chemo is having some effect;" or said "Don't get all worried, nothing negative to report, he just wants to talk to you about where things are going;" or any number of things designed to inspire the patient to cease having massive panic attacks and/or convey that while the tumors may not have magically disapparated, there was plenty of room for optimism in some small form.

Hell, I'm not asking for anything outrageous - I just want to hear that the assault of poison is doing SOMEthing, aka keeping the little fuckers from growing anymore, even if its not shrinking noticeably. Definitive, measurable shrinkage would be reallllllly nice.......

For now, I take what I can get; I just need to get something positive to work with, please! The fact that cycle 1 made me violently ill wasn't any fun BUT it did make me feel like the chemo was doing something. Cycles 2 & 3 made me sick, but not anything like Cycle 1, which made me utterly paranoid that it wasn't working. Stupid, I know, but you have to admit there's some sort of third-grade type logic in there. Easter, May Day, pick a random pseudo-holiday and I'll be thrilled to have a "We got 'em on the run" kind of result as my holiday gift.

Now back to reality.

I don't really *expect" to hear that though.... Honestly. At this stage, I expect to hear something hopeful and encouraging, that gives us reason to keep on keeping on, that the barfing et al WILL be worth it in the end.....because that's what I need to hear right now.

And, of course, what I DO NOT need to hear, even with Auntie here, and my giant support team in place, are those two very stark, plain little words: "I'm sorry." They tend to echo.

Needless to say, I'm a little stressed out today. I need to spend special time picking out my outfit-- you know, something ultra comfy squishy and relaxing and just right for your average panic attack. Or something like that. Cross your fingers. Off we go!

CT Day

Well, I had my CT, with all the fun, games and adventure that entails.

Now we wait for the results.

Chemo time again!

Well, it's almost time again... tomorrow is chemo cycle 3 of 3 for our first salvo.

Tomorrow will be a pretty long day in the infusion lab, because I'm getting chemo, Ferrlecit (iron) infusion, AND a Procrit shot, which is supposed to stimulate red cell growth.

Friday, a Neulasta shot, to stimulate my white cells, and THEN...two weeks to go nuts stewing in my own juices waiting for the CT scan that will decide everything about my immediate future.

I'm going to assume that I'll be back on chemo pretty immediately after the CT scan, but it's just a matter of how much, when, how long...depending on how the little fuckers are responding to the treatment. Meanwhile, I'm a total ball of anxiety waiting to know. I just want to know that it's doing something. That's all.

I saw Andy Monday, and I saw Dr. Mazj yesterday & had my labs done. Aside from being anemic, despite the two Ferrlecit infusions I've had so far, and "malnourished," according to some other test, all my labs came back great. My white cells are rebounding beautifully, plenty high enough for chemo and anything else; my kidney function is perfect - everything in line where it should be. That is fantastic news, really.

Meanwhile, life lately has been the usual mix of doctor's appointments, tests and feeling pretty crappy, with some days of feeling fairly decent mixed in here and there for variety. I'm looking forward to Daddy coming up tonight so he can take me to chemo tomorrow and give Lloyd a day off. Lloyd and both boys have had massive cases of the latest flu virus going around, and feel like hell, so he can really use a day off! Or 5 or 10... Luckily, Auntie is coming back soon, and that helps everything.

Other than listing the latest doctor visits and such, I just haven't had a lot to say lately. I've been pretty depressed and anxious most of the time, and sleep far too much.

I also found out yesterday that I will very soon be bird-less for the first time in most of my adult life. :'-( My poor little Elvis BooBoo bird, who I never expected to live this long (he was really sickly as a baby) is failing. He's still very sweet, and is snuggling more than he had in a long time, but he's spending all his time on the bottom of the cage, fluffed up and looking sick. I know it's time...my poor little love is almost 14, and that's as old as most cockatiels get. I didn't need anything else to be sad about, but there you have it.

So, not a lot to say...but that's about everything that's going on around here.

I do want to add another big thanks to all my friends & family out there. I have the most fabulous support group there could ever be, and I get encouragement and strength from all of you every day, whether you're visiting, sending me notes, postcards, hats, scarves, or giant boxes of ginger candies. ;-)

I know I'm not keeping up with blogging enough, but it's been hard for me lately. I am going to try to do better - don't I always say that? ;-) But it's the least I can do for that you all do for me. I just want you to know, even if I don't always write back, I do really, really appreciate your effort in writing to me.

Thank you all for being with me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I absolutely could not be doing this, going through this deeper, harder therapy without you.

...And I almost forgot to title this post!

I almost forgot to post the picture of me wearing the AMAZING "Russian Princess" hat that Scout & Megan sent me during last year's chemo sessions. I never had an occasion to wear it then, but I finally did this year, when we took Josh & Cheryl to the Sierra Nevada brewery for lunch.

Anyway, just a quick entry to say that the dermatology seminar yesterday got cancelled, sadly, because the doctor was sick, so I'm rescheduled till the 31st.

Dr. Mazj stopped by to visit me during my Ferrlecit (iron supplement) infusion yesterday, and told me that the bumpies on my head are folliculitis, a chemo side effect. Of course they are. Of course.

I've been zonked out today, spending the day in bed, because every post-infusion day is pretty much a lost cause. I am so tired and so physically drained and out of it, all I can do is lay here, but at least I got some writing caught up on. A few more days of freedom to rest, then next week we see Andy, get labs done, Dr. Mazj, chemo.......but Daddy is coming to take me to chemo, and Dawn is coming after that, so I'm looking forward to the visits. :-)

Here's to a few uneventful quiet days ahead...