Ahhhh, the very early am before the latest CT result appointment.
A couple of hours ago, I really would have told you I wasn't terribly concerned - and I wasn't. I still don't *feel* concerned, worried, whatever, but it's 3:30 am, my first attempt at sleeping was a complete waste of time, and here I am. I really am interested in the results of this one in a *very-almost" clinical way.
Up through my previous test, I'd been receiving a drug called Taxol. Each scan showed very slight growth on the nodules, but nothing "medically significant," in their parlance. Well, that either meant the drug was keeping the nodes from growing more than a teeny bit, or it meant it was doing absolutely nothing at all, and the nodules would have grown that much anyway.
So, right after the last scan, we switched to a new drug, Topotecan. I've been on that once a week; three weeks on, one week off, since the beginning (some typo I just made converted "beginning" into "stinking.". This entertains me to no end!!!) {sorry -} of the calendar year, and this will be the first test to see if it's actually done anything.
As I see it, there are basically three possible outcome/inference sets to this test.
A) a marked, "medically significant" reduction in the size or number of nodules in the lung, which would lead us to infer that the Topotecan is working quite well.
B) a small, not "medically significant" growth in either the size and/or number of the nodules, which would leave us once again unsure if the drug was working, in keeping the growth minimal; or not working at all, letting the cancer move at it's own snail-y pace.
Or
C) a marked, very significant (medically or otherwise!) growth in size or number of the nodules in the lungs, or worse (yes, there *is* a "worse!"), spread of the cancer to any other part of my body. That is the worst result I can imagine.
Yes, that is the worst possible outcome, which was why I was so terrified of the brain scan.
SO, it is now time for me to go get showered and lovely for my drive up the mountain. It's starting to be my favorite time of year to make the drive - the hills are all lush green, and the wildflowers are starting to pop out everywhere, like brushstrokes of color splashed on the dark green backdrop. If I can ever remember to hunt for a good stopping and parking place near where I can see anything - and if I can FIND such a thing, I will try my damnedest to get some good pictures this year. It is better in person though, hint, hint....so you should come visit to see for yourself. 8•)
Off to get ready - appointment at 11:15, and I promise to text, tweet, blog and Facebook my test results as soon as I get 'em. Gotta love having WiF at the cancer center!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Water, water, water...
We normally come from that direction, but large parts of the road we take are rather underwater at the moment. We had to come the long way today...but of course we had to go look at the flood!
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Sunday, March 27, 2011
Braaaaaaaiiiiiins!
Zombies around the world, rejoice!
My brain has been certified clean and tumor free! Yes, I'm as shocked as some of you are.
As I'd posted before, I wasn't supposed to get to know that yet - but, a fantastic chemo nurse happened to notice that the results were in my file, and since they were positive-happy/negative-nothing in there, she called the doctor at his conference to get permission to share them with me in his absence.
She assured me that the rest of the test results (the chest/abdomen/pelvis scan) were not in the file, and most likely would take at least a couple more days. I can deal with that.
I don't actually have another single thing to share right now, but I really don't care. I'm thrilled to have those test results already - and not be waiting until the 31st to find out - and otherwise, I'm just trying to get through the post-chemo ickies. I feel pretty icky. I woke up on my own about an hour early from my nap, and I strongly wish I hadn't. The headache is *bad* and the body aches are absolutely *vicious* AND a certain kitty cat thinks I'm a jungle gym to be walked all over.
Time for some more resting. BOOO for pain, but YAY for a tumor-free brain!
My brain has been certified clean and tumor free! Yes, I'm as shocked as some of you are.
As I'd posted before, I wasn't supposed to get to know that yet - but, a fantastic chemo nurse happened to notice that the results were in my file, and since they were positive-happy/negative-nothing in there, she called the doctor at his conference to get permission to share them with me in his absence.
She assured me that the rest of the test results (the chest/abdomen/pelvis scan) were not in the file, and most likely would take at least a couple more days. I can deal with that.
I don't actually have another single thing to share right now, but I really don't care. I'm thrilled to have those test results already - and not be waiting until the 31st to find out - and otherwise, I'm just trying to get through the post-chemo ickies. I feel pretty icky. I woke up on my own about an hour early from my nap, and I strongly wish I hadn't. The headache is *bad* and the body aches are absolutely *vicious* AND a certain kitty cat thinks I'm a jungle gym to be walked all over.
Time for some more resting. BOOO for pain, but YAY for a tumor-free brain!
Friday, March 25, 2011
No news is no news
Look, Easter egg condoms!!
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Wild weather and mundane updates!
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Well, we didn't get quite the exciting tornados and .5" hail that towns within a half hour's drive caught, but it's been interesting around here nonetheless! Yesterday, we were getting wind gusts anywhere up to 70mph, and WE, lucky us, go to go drive around in it.
Our first stop was the dentist, to have my final fitting for my neato new set of teeth. I thought I was taking them home... And when Katie told me I wasn't, I actually almost cried. It's been a very long trip, this dental odyssey. I think I started this back in October - or was it November? Anyway, its been a lomg trip of extractions, filling, root canal-ing, crowns, temporary teeth and impressions, and I am SOOOOOO excited at the thought of being finally done. Being finally done will mean that (after a short -hopefully - acclimation process), I will actually be ale to eat like a normal person again! I might be able to go back to doing things like eating three apples a day, and having carrots for snacks, and making little dishes of warm mixed nuts to munch on, put my popcorn maker back into use.........oh, so many things!
But I have to wait. Almost a whole month more, I have to wait. All of this makes me very sad.
So, next order of business was getting some food before we went up the mountain, into the unknown manifestation of the storm, at the higher altitude. I was really upset after the dentist, didn't feel much like eating, didn't care what I ate, so Lloyd picked Arby's. While we were still waiting to be served, my phone rings - it's the cancer center telling me they have no power. So much for chemo!!
Since our need to hurry was gone, we ditched Arby's, and tried a new Mexican place we'd seen on tv (La Comida, Oroville) and then took me and my piss-poor mood home to bed. I needed that.
Comfy, squishy fuzzy kitty always helps too.
Oliver is my bedroom cat. He takes every chance to snuggle in bed. Then when he's done snuggling he climbs up my pillows and curls up there behind my head, blends in with the stuffed animals and goes to sleep.
Unfortunately, during my nap, I manage to have a big whopping sleepwalking/talking/whatever incident, and Lloyd tells me it was a doozie. That makes me really wonder about a connection between the level of my anxiety and stress & the having of and level of these nocturnal crazy fits. Yesterday I was at least a level 8 or 9 on the scale yesterday, between the teeth and not going to chemo
Ok....on to the important stuff.... Yes, I did have my CT, scanned from pelvis, abdomen, chest and head. I'm going to guess that my neck was somewhere in there too. You could say that I'm a tad nervous about the results.
Not going to chemo meant no possibility of finding out yesterday. I'm rescheduled for this am, but I think my doc is off today. The whole place shuts down early on Fridays.
So, time to go get dressed and enjoy my insanely high level of anxiety and stress!!!!
There is lots more to say here, about many more things, but time was limited and I had to get out the test non-update and such. Besides, I need more time to think.... I will try to write more from chemo, and try to address some of the issues that have been coming up on here.
For now, I'm outta here. 8•)
Friday, March 18, 2011
Nothing to fear but fear itself, and running out of Xanax
Except maybe earthquakes, tsunamis, brain CTs, possible cluster headaches, and the idea that cancer could even possibly move to your brain.
Yes, boys and girls, it's been a very busy, newsy news week this week. The gerbils who run the prescription TAR department at the lovely agency which is paying for my cancer treatment decided I should deal with everything for about 2, 3 weeks sans anxiety medicine. Isn't that fun, boys and girls? Cold-turkey Xanax withdrawal plus worrisome symptoms to discuss with my doctor... Well, let's just say that as soon as I was done outlining my current life & worries for Dr. Mazj, he made sure he ordered up a nice dose of Anxiety-B-Gone(tm) to be shot into my IV just as soon as I had an IV running. He is a wonderful doctor. Thank the pagan deity of your choice that I'd been back on my usual dose for a whole two days before Godzilla started stomping around in Japan.
{insert a week of bad, bad procrastination here}
So, after yet another chemo, durng which I was falling asleep trying to write this, here I am with an actual blog entry, with actual information to share.
It's CT time again!!..
The appointment is on the 23rd and I have an appointment with Dr, Mazj far too many days after that to learn my fate - not till the 31st.
What's very, very different this time, and rather noteworthy, Is that my scan will cover not just pelvis, abdomen and chest, but will also go up to do a full brain scan. Yes, I said brain.
We all know I've been having some nice little weirdness with sleepwalking, or just space- walking, not remembering anything, and generally acting like I've totally lost it in countless embarrassing ways. I've also been having some very nasty headaches that are somewhere between migraines and cluster-headaches. My grandfather had clusters, and I've seen firsthand how scary they are.
We also all know that many cancers have a nasty habit of spreading to the brain, and unfortunately, mine is one of them.
That's why this has been so hard to write, and taken me so long to post. This is one scan I don't want to have. My grandfather also had cancer; actually both of them did; but the grandpa I was closest to devastated me most. I saw his cancer spread from his lungs to his brain, so you can see where my fears come from. It's too close for comfort.
I'm not sure how many times during this little adventure I've felt deep, outright terror - more than a few. This is one of them. I do not want to have this scan. I do not want to hear the results of this scan.
I do not want to have to tell all of you the results of this scan if they are bad. That is the worst, worst, worst part of the entire thing... But I will have the scan and I will tell the truth. It's just so much fun having your life in so many other people's hands.
Fuck.
Yes, boys and girls, it's been a very busy, newsy news week this week. The gerbils who run the prescription TAR department at the lovely agency which is paying for my cancer treatment decided I should deal with everything for about 2, 3 weeks sans anxiety medicine. Isn't that fun, boys and girls? Cold-turkey Xanax withdrawal plus worrisome symptoms to discuss with my doctor... Well, let's just say that as soon as I was done outlining my current life & worries for Dr. Mazj, he made sure he ordered up a nice dose of Anxiety-B-Gone(tm) to be shot into my IV just as soon as I had an IV running. He is a wonderful doctor. Thank the pagan deity of your choice that I'd been back on my usual dose for a whole two days before Godzilla started stomping around in Japan.
{insert a week of bad, bad procrastination here}
So, after yet another chemo, durng which I was falling asleep trying to write this, here I am with an actual blog entry, with actual information to share.
It's CT time again!!..
The appointment is on the 23rd and I have an appointment with Dr, Mazj far too many days after that to learn my fate - not till the 31st.
What's very, very different this time, and rather noteworthy, Is that my scan will cover not just pelvis, abdomen and chest, but will also go up to do a full brain scan. Yes, I said brain.
We all know I've been having some nice little weirdness with sleepwalking, or just space- walking, not remembering anything, and generally acting like I've totally lost it in countless embarrassing ways. I've also been having some very nasty headaches that are somewhere between migraines and cluster-headaches. My grandfather had clusters, and I've seen firsthand how scary they are.
We also all know that many cancers have a nasty habit of spreading to the brain, and unfortunately, mine is one of them.
That's why this has been so hard to write, and taken me so long to post. This is one scan I don't want to have. My grandfather also had cancer; actually both of them did; but the grandpa I was closest to devastated me most. I saw his cancer spread from his lungs to his brain, so you can see where my fears come from. It's too close for comfort.
I'm not sure how many times during this little adventure I've felt deep, outright terror - more than a few. This is one of them. I do not want to have this scan. I do not want to hear the results of this scan.
I do not want to have to tell all of you the results of this scan if they are bad. That is the worst, worst, worst part of the entire thing... But I will have the scan and I will tell the truth. It's just so much fun having your life in so many other people's hands.
Fuck.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
A cold puppy & a big question
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Charlie Brown & Snoopy always maintained that happiness was a warm puppy, so I had to wrap mine up in a blankie after she went out to get the paper in the gorgeously clear 40° sunshine this morning. About an hour and a half later, she's still there, quite content.
Now onto my big question. This is going to take some setting up and backstory, so bear with me for a while here.
Part one - about a month or so back (definitely after Christmas, so mid-Jan, tops) there was a story on the news about a local girl who had cancer as well as several other disabilities and had had her wheelchair stolen when her mother's car was stolen. The story centered on how the loss of the chair was more than just the loss of her mobility - it was the loss if her freedom to go places with her mother and be out of the house. I can't remember how old she was - I'm thinking maybe 11 or 13 or somewhere in there - but I remember how she looked and sounded in the piece.
That is the important part. She looked and sounded as "well" as any person with multiple disabilities, but she was alert, and seemed "fine," for lack of a better word, wanting to get her wheels back so she could go out places with her mom. Totally fine.
Now, of course, within a day or two, a kind person in the community gave her a new set of wheels, a chair better and nicer than the one she'd lost, but that's not really germane.
The important part of this story is that there was another follow-up story about her on the news this week. She DIED. Died!
A month or two ago, she looked totally fine and now she's gone.
Part two - On January 21, a friend emailed me on Facebook letting me know that her father had also been diagnosed with stage IV cancer, just like me. (I don't know what kind though) By February 5, her Facebook wall was covered in condolence messages. He passed away within two weeks of getting a diagnosis. Two weeks.
By now, I'm quite sure you all know that I write this blog very candidly, and talk about big icky subjects like death very candidly. That's not to imply any disrespect to anyone or lack of empathy; it's simply the way I have to talk about these things, because they are so close to my own life.
So, can you see where this is going?
My big question is, How do you know you're dying?
Seriously. If it can happen so quickly (I'm really talking about cancer patients specifically here), relative to feeling "fine," then how do you know? What does it feel like? Do you experience some sort of very obvious change or symptom or feeling that tells you, "Ok, this is it?"
These are things I need to know!
I always figured it would be something pretty gradual (obvious, but gradual; and again, talking about cancer) where you'd start to decline, and then you'd know that it was time to start writing all those letters, giving some stuff away, paying your way into the Neptune Society - you know, getting your affairs in order.
Of course, I'm well aware that any of us could be hit by a beer truck or a piece of green ice falling from a 747 at any moment, and that would be that, over and done, but I really did think cancer was different.
And, of course, I'm well aware that I'm not going to get an answer to this question; or at least not one that I like. But this is what's on my mind right now - wondering if I should start writing those letters. Just in case.
Friday, February 25, 2011
"On generator... "
Well, It's coming down now! They cancelled all surgeries, but *I* get to go in on generator power.
Oh, whee.
Oh, whee.
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Snow!
However, luckily, the nasty nurse I got at first was just sent away and replaced with a nice one. Whew.
See all y'all on the other side!
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Arrrgh!
Ok, I owe you guys a much better blog entry than you're going to get tonight. I promise to keep trying to get there...maybe during chemo?
To sum things up for now: tummy angry, mood crabby, want sleep now. Tomorrow is chemo, Thursday is Bathroom Decor Appreciation Day, and Friday is my colonoscopy. Weekend off, then Monday with Andy followed by Tuesday-Monday with my dogs, on my bed, hopefully asleep more often than not.
More to come...
Think happy thoughts. Be well. Send bonbons.
To sum things up for now: tummy angry, mood crabby, want sleep now. Tomorrow is chemo, Thursday is Bathroom Decor Appreciation Day, and Friday is my colonoscopy. Weekend off, then Monday with Andy followed by Tuesday-Monday with my dogs, on my bed, hopefully asleep more often than not.
More to come...
Think happy thoughts. Be well. Send bonbons.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Happy VD to all!
How sweet it is...
(gotta go sleep off the gas now...)
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•••••••••
Ahh, I slept almost all of he gas off... I woke up feeling really good, albeit still very physically tired.
Today marked the end of a serious dental marathon. I didn't have good teeth to start with, but the chemo just ate them. Many fillings, root canals, crowns and extractions later, and I'm DONE!! The next couple of visits will be just to get my new partial bridge/dentures to fit in my mouth, and THEN, I will regain the ability to chew again! Major YAY in my world.
Still tired....chemo tomorrow....time to rest.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Well, it's been a week..pppffffffffttt
I can't say it's been a great week, but it's been a week.
First my poor doggie's butt explodes. This should have been a sign.
After doing all of that distgusting "prep" for the colonoscopy, I managed to have a diabetic blood sugar crash, mainly because I had no idea what I should have been doing all day to manage the fasting. So, after all the fasting and the Roto-Rootering of my insides to clean them out for the exam....No test. just an embarrassing late-night conversation with my doctor, an angry tummy, and, yes...(wait for it...) a return date next month to do it all again.
Great start.
Apparently, after having all day Tuesday and Wednesday to percolate in my system, the clean-out stuff decided to make a repeat visit. A bad one, apparently the precise millisecond I was waking up. This meant washing sheets, brand new pjs going in the trash, lots of cleaning, and a whole day of misery with a whopping side of humiliation.
(Hey, you people want to read an honest cancer blog, you're in the right place. A happy, tidy one without diarrhea or adult sanitary products? Try again.)
Luckily, thanks I'm sure to the massive, excessive doses of imodium and adult sanitary products, I made it TO and THROUGH chemo without further incident.
Of course, somewhere in the course of the day, my cell phone froze up, and refused to unfreeze. Of course. So, after our nice dinner at Marie Callendars (and following the crushing disappointment of Sees, the Source Of All Bonbons, being closed) we hopped on over to the Verizon store, where a very nice new friend named Patricia swapped it out with a functioning one. Lots of re-customizing, and I have to re-do my entire ICE medical app, but those are minor concerns in the face of what could have been, had I lost all my contacts, photos and random data. Someday I really need to learn how to back that thing up...
And then we came home, and I barfed a lot.
That brings us to yesterday, the day I started this entry, the day in which this entry started posting itself to the blog long before it was done, just because the tech gremlins wanted to prove that they could. Yesterday started with me feeling terrible. It ended with me feeling terrible - nothing terribly shocking for the day after chemo and a major intestinal explosion.
The real capper was a just-before-bedtime random discussion which spontaneously mutated from a discussion into a teenage tantrum. I meant no harm at all in the discussion, which was simply another variant on the "kids who refuse to leave their computers" topic, but I apparently hit a really sore spot without knowing it. That made me feel like absolute shit. It always does, if I hurt someone's feelings, because I never, ever, ever try to intentionally hurt someone's feelings. The fact that the tantrum-throwing boy seems to think that it is always my intention to hurt him or attack him directly for no reason hurts MY feelings pretty good too though. Being the Evil StepMonster does get very, very old after a while. But, I grit my teeth and take my anxiety pills and make sure they never see me crack as I retreat to my corner and chant my mantra, "when they're thirty...when they're thirty..." under my breath. I figure since actually telling them that my feelings are hurt (or are capable of being hurt) just makes them scornful, to say the least, letting them see it would result in precisely nothing good.
Ahhh, a lovely end to a lovely day!!
Things like that deepen my resolve to read "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," just to read about a "mother" (& I use that term loosely here) who is far and away worse at the job than I am.
•••• Have you heard of this book?! It's all over the magazine reviews right now; a memoir by a woman determined to raise her two daughters "the Chinese way," and in the course of doing so, does things like call her little girl "garbage" for less-than-perfect piano skills, threaten to burn all her stuffed animals if the piece isn't played perfectly the next time and reject handmade birthday cards from both girls because they didn't show enough effort. Good lord. And yet, while I think the woman should have been jailed for child abuse (she made her three-year-old stand outside in the rain at night for yet another musical imperfection), she is oft-quoted often saying ONE thing that has my attention - "Chinese parents assume strength, not fragility." Hrm. Hrm. I admit, I'm intrigued. ••••
But ANYway, it was a less than stellar week. I am really, really hoping that this weekend provides a nice buffer and leads to a pleasant no-chemo week ahead. Admittedly, I have a dentist appointment, and one with Andy, but I'm still looking forward to a poison-free few days to let my system rebound a bit.
Back on the subject of parenting for just a minute though - I found another magazine article that was particularly interesting. Time magazine, January 31, page 17: "How Video Games May Contribute to Mental Illness." Oh, how I wish this article had come out when these boys were younger...we might have fought harder, instead of completely giving up in the battle over restricting computer use time.
The study cited in the article looked at associations between personality, gaming and future mental disorders. One finding is that kids with impulsive personalities, less empathy for others and poor social skills were more likely to become pathological gamers. Uh huh, I'm listening... These kids ended to log nearly twice as much computer time weekly compared to their peers. "Addicted gamers also tended to be more aggressive and antisocial." But most disturbingly, the study also found that pathological, addicted gamers were at a higher risk of developing mental conditions like depression, anxiety and social phobias within a couple of years. All of the study results seem to counter the popular belief that some teens play as a way to cope with existing mental illness. Instead, the latest results demonstrate that the relationships between addictive gaming and mental health are more complicated than we thought, "with mental disorders being both contributors to and consequences of video-game dependence."
Yup.
I hate to say it, but every single point made in the article could be illustrated inside this household. If your kids are young enough to stop this behavior before it starts, grab that chance and run with it. With our boys, at least, I can safely say that almost every, and I do mean almost every - say, 99 of 100 - argument or conflict we have is rooted in that pathological, obsessive gaming and the void it creates, suspending time so that chores, homework and even dinnertime are at the least, very annoying interruptions to their very important business of game playing and more often, reason for explosion. They haven't got the slightest idea why we find this to be a bad thing; unacceptable, or why we continue to intrude on them the way we do. That is the scariest part, right there - they really think that their game play is as important, if not more so than any events in the real world.
Well, it scares the crap out of *me* anyway.
Here's hoping for a very uneventful weekend. Cross your fingers and toes for me, ok?
First my poor doggie's butt explodes. This should have been a sign.
After doing all of that distgusting "prep" for the colonoscopy, I managed to have a diabetic blood sugar crash, mainly because I had no idea what I should have been doing all day to manage the fasting. So, after all the fasting and the Roto-Rootering of my insides to clean them out for the exam....No test. just an embarrassing late-night conversation with my doctor, an angry tummy, and, yes...(wait for it...) a return date next month to do it all again.
Great start.
Apparently, after having all day Tuesday and Wednesday to percolate in my system, the clean-out stuff decided to make a repeat visit. A bad one, apparently the precise millisecond I was waking up. This meant washing sheets, brand new pjs going in the trash, lots of cleaning, and a whole day of misery with a whopping side of humiliation.
(Hey, you people want to read an honest cancer blog, you're in the right place. A happy, tidy one without diarrhea or adult sanitary products? Try again.)
Luckily, thanks I'm sure to the massive, excessive doses of imodium and adult sanitary products, I made it TO and THROUGH chemo without further incident.
Of course, somewhere in the course of the day, my cell phone froze up, and refused to unfreeze. Of course. So, after our nice dinner at Marie Callendars (and following the crushing disappointment of Sees, the Source Of All Bonbons, being closed) we hopped on over to the Verizon store, where a very nice new friend named Patricia swapped it out with a functioning one. Lots of re-customizing, and I have to re-do my entire ICE medical app, but those are minor concerns in the face of what could have been, had I lost all my contacts, photos and random data. Someday I really need to learn how to back that thing up...
And then we came home, and I barfed a lot.
That brings us to yesterday, the day I started this entry, the day in which this entry started posting itself to the blog long before it was done, just because the tech gremlins wanted to prove that they could. Yesterday started with me feeling terrible. It ended with me feeling terrible - nothing terribly shocking for the day after chemo and a major intestinal explosion.
The real capper was a just-before-bedtime random discussion which spontaneously mutated from a discussion into a teenage tantrum. I meant no harm at all in the discussion, which was simply another variant on the "kids who refuse to leave their computers" topic, but I apparently hit a really sore spot without knowing it. That made me feel like absolute shit. It always does, if I hurt someone's feelings, because I never, ever, ever try to intentionally hurt someone's feelings. The fact that the tantrum-throwing boy seems to think that it is always my intention to hurt him or attack him directly for no reason hurts MY feelings pretty good too though. Being the Evil StepMonster does get very, very old after a while. But, I grit my teeth and take my anxiety pills and make sure they never see me crack as I retreat to my corner and chant my mantra, "when they're thirty...when they're thirty..." under my breath. I figure since actually telling them that my feelings are hurt (or are capable of being hurt) just makes them scornful, to say the least, letting them see it would result in precisely nothing good.
Ahhh, a lovely end to a lovely day!!
Things like that deepen my resolve to read "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," just to read about a "mother" (& I use that term loosely here) who is far and away worse at the job than I am.
•••• Have you heard of this book?! It's all over the magazine reviews right now; a memoir by a woman determined to raise her two daughters "the Chinese way," and in the course of doing so, does things like call her little girl "garbage" for less-than-perfect piano skills, threaten to burn all her stuffed animals if the piece isn't played perfectly the next time and reject handmade birthday cards from both girls because they didn't show enough effort. Good lord. And yet, while I think the woman should have been jailed for child abuse (she made her three-year-old stand outside in the rain at night for yet another musical imperfection), she is oft-quoted often saying ONE thing that has my attention - "Chinese parents assume strength, not fragility." Hrm. Hrm. I admit, I'm intrigued. ••••
But ANYway, it was a less than stellar week. I am really, really hoping that this weekend provides a nice buffer and leads to a pleasant no-chemo week ahead. Admittedly, I have a dentist appointment, and one with Andy, but I'm still looking forward to a poison-free few days to let my system rebound a bit.
Back on the subject of parenting for just a minute though - I found another magazine article that was particularly interesting. Time magazine, January 31, page 17: "How Video Games May Contribute to Mental Illness." Oh, how I wish this article had come out when these boys were younger...we might have fought harder, instead of completely giving up in the battle over restricting computer use time.
The study cited in the article looked at associations between personality, gaming and future mental disorders. One finding is that kids with impulsive personalities, less empathy for others and poor social skills were more likely to become pathological gamers. Uh huh, I'm listening... These kids ended to log nearly twice as much computer time weekly compared to their peers. "Addicted gamers also tended to be more aggressive and antisocial." But most disturbingly, the study also found that pathological, addicted gamers were at a higher risk of developing mental conditions like depression, anxiety and social phobias within a couple of years. All of the study results seem to counter the popular belief that some teens play as a way to cope with existing mental illness. Instead, the latest results demonstrate that the relationships between addictive gaming and mental health are more complicated than we thought, "with mental disorders being both contributors to and consequences of video-game dependence."
Yup.
I hate to say it, but every single point made in the article could be illustrated inside this household. If your kids are young enough to stop this behavior before it starts, grab that chance and run with it. With our boys, at least, I can safely say that almost every, and I do mean almost every - say, 99 of 100 - argument or conflict we have is rooted in that pathological, obsessive gaming and the void it creates, suspending time so that chores, homework and even dinnertime are at the least, very annoying interruptions to their very important business of game playing and more often, reason for explosion. They haven't got the slightest idea why we find this to be a bad thing; unacceptable, or why we continue to intrude on them the way we do. That is the scariest part, right there - they really think that their game play is as important, if not more so than any events in the real world.
Well, it scares the crap out of *me* anyway.
Here's hoping for a very uneventful weekend. Cross your fingers and toes for me, ok?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
NO colonoscopy!
Yep, you read that right, and nope, no early morning hospital run. Lucky me, after going through all of the HELLISH "prep" today, my diabetes decided to kick in and drop my glucose out from under me, leading to a frantic sugar push, a very miserable night, and a mortifying late-night phone conversation with my surgeon.
Between the exploding-butt dog and my not-happening butt surgery, it's been a really lovely day.
Trust me.
Between the exploding-butt dog and my not-happening butt surgery, it's been a really lovely day.
Trust me.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A bigger-bigger bed!
When you think about it, the PetKing(tm) size would be an instant hit! As long as a Cal-King, and as wide as a std King plus, oh, maybe a full/double as well and Bingo! You've actually got a mattress big enough for two normal sized people and at least 3 largish dogs, with spare corners for a pussycat here or there.
It would be revolutionary!
Now we just need them to make bigger sheets...and bedrooms... But I really think I'm onto something here.
SNL + Sees Candy = strange ideas
:-)
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Friday, January 21, 2011
Books, books, books!!
I've had more than few requests from friends for "good" books to read lately. Well, I am the girl to ask!!
Being cancer girl means that I've probably got more reading time on my hands than all the rest of my friends combined. I guess it's a good thing I'm such a book-fiend, although it always makes me feel guilty when I sit down and lose myself in a book for hours instead of finishing a knitting project or something else "productive." Ahh, "productivity," the eternal guilt-producing specter that hangs over my head.
I mean, right now, I'm feeling ridiculously tired, beat and battered in the manner of a massive chemo side-effect attack with a good dose of fibro-fun on top of it. My legs ache and are throbbing from hips to toes, which makes even standing up an unpleasant experience, but everyone else in the house is doing their normal Sunday chores, so I feel intense guilt for sitting here on my bed like a lump. ::sigh::
I passionately hate guilt.
But, considering that tomorrow I will have to take a little spotty dog to the vet to get his poor butt fixed (impacted anal gland), and then spend the entire afternoon doing the disgusting "prep" for my colonoscopy - aka getting MY butt fixed - I have got to force myself to take the rest while I can get it.
But ANYway, about books - I figure I might as well share some of what I've been reading for those who are looking for a good book. I haven't been very good at populating the " useless information" trivia column lately, so I'm thinking that book reviews may move into that space for posterity.
Recently, I've been on this "comedian" kick and have been reading autobiographies of some very funny people. I can recommend Sarah Silverman's "The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee" and Kathy Griffin's "Official Book Club Selection" very highly. I've also read all three of Chelsea Handler's books recently, and I can't stress enough how different her books are from Silverman or Griffin. Chelsea's books are humor, written to be funny, and they are, most of the time. Silverman and Griffin are writing very real autobiographies in the warts-and-all tradition, showing themselves to be very intelligent women (much more than you realize at first) who have worked very hard to get where they are and also happen to be very, very funny.
I would highly recommend Griffin's book as a fascinating look at the reality of being a working actress and comedian, someone who was not an overnight sensation, but who worked her ass off to get where she is today. Sarah Silverman's book is different in that spends a little more time in her childhood, fighting the chronic bedwetting mentioned in the title, but it is no less engaging. Either of them is going to be a funny, very satisfying read. And Chelsea? If you can take the raunch, you'll laugh your ass off.
Ok, there are my first book recommendations. Hopefully someone out there will find them interesting!
Being cancer girl means that I've probably got more reading time on my hands than all the rest of my friends combined. I guess it's a good thing I'm such a book-fiend, although it always makes me feel guilty when I sit down and lose myself in a book for hours instead of finishing a knitting project or something else "productive." Ahh, "productivity," the eternal guilt-producing specter that hangs over my head.
I mean, right now, I'm feeling ridiculously tired, beat and battered in the manner of a massive chemo side-effect attack with a good dose of fibro-fun on top of it. My legs ache and are throbbing from hips to toes, which makes even standing up an unpleasant experience, but everyone else in the house is doing their normal Sunday chores, so I feel intense guilt for sitting here on my bed like a lump. ::sigh::
I passionately hate guilt.
But, considering that tomorrow I will have to take a little spotty dog to the vet to get his poor butt fixed (impacted anal gland), and then spend the entire afternoon doing the disgusting "prep" for my colonoscopy - aka getting MY butt fixed - I have got to force myself to take the rest while I can get it.
But ANYway, about books - I figure I might as well share some of what I've been reading for those who are looking for a good book. I haven't been very good at populating the " useless information" trivia column lately, so I'm thinking that book reviews may move into that space for posterity.
Recently, I've been on this "comedian" kick and have been reading autobiographies of some very funny people. I can recommend Sarah Silverman's "The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee" and Kathy Griffin's "Official Book Club Selection" very highly. I've also read all three of Chelsea Handler's books recently, and I can't stress enough how different her books are from Silverman or Griffin. Chelsea's books are humor, written to be funny, and they are, most of the time. Silverman and Griffin are writing very real autobiographies in the warts-and-all tradition, showing themselves to be very intelligent women (much more than you realize at first) who have worked very hard to get where they are and also happen to be very, very funny.
I would highly recommend Griffin's book as a fascinating look at the reality of being a working actress and comedian, someone who was not an overnight sensation, but who worked her ass off to get where she is today. Sarah Silverman's book is different in that spends a little more time in her childhood, fighting the chronic bedwetting mentioned in the title, but it is no less engaging. Either of them is going to be a funny, very satisfying read. And Chelsea? If you can take the raunch, you'll laugh your ass off.
Ok, there are my first book recommendations. Hopefully someone out there will find them interesting!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Aimee starts to regret bringing me to chemo...
I'll make it up to her somehow. ;-)
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Otherwise, things are all going well. I'm totally recovered from my endocscopy, with just a bit if a sore throat to remind me. I'm NOT looking forward to doing the PREP for the colonoscopy on Monday, but I'll survive. Stay tuned for the news on that one, but I expect a nice boring weekend after chemo, lolling around in side-effect land. Prep on Monday, colonoscopy on Tues, and then I'm taking a week off to recover!!
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