It's that day.

It's results day.

I got three calls from the cancer center yesterday - of course, my heart skipped a few beats with each glance at the caller ID screen.

First, it was my social worker/counselor, checking in on the scheduling of my infusion and dermatology workshop times next week. They'd somehow gotten reversed, so we fixed that.

Next, it was Shirley, one of our case manager nurses (kind of like the stage managers for our endless productions) responding to the message I left with the service asking for another hydration session this week. I don't know why I need so much hydration, because I drink just plenty, but I can always tell when I do, so better to get the good stuff via IV.

Next, it was Shirley again, with the scary call. This was the call where she put on her best calm "nursey" voice and asked if I could come in a bit early today; say, 1:30 instead of 2:00? so we could discuss my test results from the CT on Monday.

It's my theory that, if the results were positive, any number of things could have happened: She could have pulled Dr. Mazj over for a real quick "Hey, don't stress, it looks like the chemo is having some effect;" or said "Don't get all worried, nothing negative to report, he just wants to talk to you about where things are going;" or any number of things designed to inspire the patient to cease having massive panic attacks and/or convey that while the tumors may not have magically disapparated, there was plenty of room for optimism in some small form.

Hell, I'm not asking for anything outrageous - I just want to hear that the assault of poison is doing SOMEthing, aka keeping the little fuckers from growing anymore, even if its not shrinking noticeably. Definitive, measurable shrinkage would be reallllllly nice.......

For now, I take what I can get; I just need to get something positive to work with, please! The fact that cycle 1 made me violently ill wasn't any fun BUT it did make me feel like the chemo was doing something. Cycles 2 & 3 made me sick, but not anything like Cycle 1, which made me utterly paranoid that it wasn't working. Stupid, I know, but you have to admit there's some sort of third-grade type logic in there. Easter, May Day, pick a random pseudo-holiday and I'll be thrilled to have a "We got 'em on the run" kind of result as my holiday gift.

Now back to reality.

I don't really *expect" to hear that though.... Honestly. At this stage, I expect to hear something hopeful and encouraging, that gives us reason to keep on keeping on, that the barfing et al WILL be worth it in the end.....because that's what I need to hear right now.

And, of course, what I DO NOT need to hear, even with Auntie here, and my giant support team in place, are those two very stark, plain little words: "I'm sorry." They tend to echo.

Needless to say, I'm a little stressed out today. I need to spend special time picking out my outfit-- you know, something ultra comfy squishy and relaxing and just right for your average panic attack. Or something like that. Cross your fingers. Off we go!