Day 2.5, and the slide has begun

Yes, this is day 2-1/2 of our month sans children, and our slow slide into debauchery has begun.

Well, maybe not too slow. We dropped the kids off at grandma's house on Monday afternoon, then went to run an errand in Roseville before we went home. By the time we were done, dinner was called for, so we decided to try something new, and headed for the Thunder Valley Casino in Lincoln. Casino buffets are wonderful things, you know. The fact that we got free slot play money by joining the players club was just a bonus. See, you have to join the club before you go to the buffet - you save $5 per person off your dinner if you do, making it only $9.95, which is the deal of the century. Thunder Valley, unlike all the other indian casinos we've been to, is so giant and gorgeous, it looks like you're in Tahoe, and the buffet meets that standard too. I mean, WOW buffet. So, anyway, we were bad, and we didn't get home until almost 11 pm.

Oops.

There was much puppy apologizing to be done.

Last night, we had a proper grownup dinner, all by ourselves and behaved. Tonight, we've started moving into our normal summer routine of sitting around the living room and only bothering to eat when we feel like it, which might mean never, or might mean we eat fast food at the coffee table. Who knows. I should probably consume something vaguely dinner-like.

So, anyway, the kids are safely in New Jersey for their month, and we get to goof off like newlyweds again, aside from all the Social Security paperwork we need to work on. The goal is to get that done as soon as humanly possible, so that we can get to the goofing!

All is well, with us, puppies, kitties, birdies, fishies, and way-far-away kiddies. Thanks for checking. :-)

Down by the river...

Ah, yesterday afternoon was relaxing, sitting on my ass by the side of a river (we changed from lake to river) having nothing at all to do but sit on my ass by the river and watch two little girls make things out of sand and get astoundingly messy and dirty. It was entertaining. I think it would have been just about perfect if my stupid-ass lymphedema hadn't been making my uncomfortable, but such is life.

I'll have to bug Aim to send me some of the pics she took of the messy little girls, especially the one in a princess bathing suit with a very saggy butt. ;-)

No, that wasn't Anna, just in case you were wondering.

So, I learned that the park in Oroville on the Feather River was a very nice place to play in the river, being as where we were was right on a big sandbar, so that the kids could wade out into the river in a really shallow area to play. I also learned that doggies were welcome at that park, and in the river, which is the exciting news of the day!! We'll have to get Stella a 50-ft line so we can take her swimming. Pea and Sparky will come back to us, but she'd be somewhere 3 miles downriver before I blinked.

Anyway... In case I hadn't fully explained, what with my anti-selfishness rant yesterday, the young'uns are heading east for a month starting Tuesday. I just thought I should mention that, since we might take every chance while they're gone to run away and goof off, leading to a dramatic downturn in the number of blog postings. Then again, since my visit with Dr. Mazj, I've got several medical things scheduled during the time they're gone (back to being a professional patient!), so I'll undoubtedly have stuff that needs posting.

But, one way or another, we're determined to enjoy ourselves, even if all we do is clean the

house top to bottom (so that it will STAY that way for a month) and then lapse into a stupor of watching movies together on the couch and eating a lot of Chinese take-out.

Either way - running away or lapsing into a stupor - it'll be a nice little vacation. I'll probably spend a good part of the time worrying that the kids are bored silly, like they were on their last trip back there, but the rest will be nice.

So, be patient with me if I get lazy about updating. If I get something up here once a week, I'm not dead; and the odds are good that I will have very little to report. That would be good, right?

Today and tomorrow are the hard-core packing days, in which we try to cram everything they might need for a month into three suitcases which each weigh less than 50 lbs. Tuesday, we load 'em up and truck down to Sacramento, to Grandma's house, where Mommy will be waiting. At some point after that, Mommy loads 'em up and trucks them down to San Francisco to the airport (no direct flights from Sac to NJ) and takes them back east. Middle of August, the process gets reversed.

So that's the scoop here. I'm exhausted, and I feel exceptionally sick to my stomach, but we're supposed to all go out to a movie this afternoon, followed by dinner in Chico, to celebrate Trevor's birthday, so I suppose I have to get to feeling a lot better very soon. Sadly, if I were to feel too crappy to go, I would be made to feel way, way worse in the form of guilt-trips, so I have to suck it up.

Wednesday I can collapse into a puddle, and Thursday I even get a massage, so the vacation will begin then!

Off to go sneak in some reading before too many other people wake up and I have to become productive. Productive, boo.

Oh, how time flies when you're sleeping too much...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAWN!!

Here's wishing the happiest of days to someone who deserves it most.

You held my virtual

hand through the hardest weeks of my entire life and I'll never forget that.

You deserve the best!

XOXOXO

Sleeping too much, but not sleeping enough...that's pretty much the theme this week! I am SO tired! I don't have any good reason to be so tired, but there you have it. I doze off at the computer, on the couch, hell, even in the bathroom. About the only place I don't doze off is the shower, thank god.

Getting up with Stella in the wee hours might have something to do with it, but I'm not sure. One MIGHT think I'd be used to that by now. But, no, I just keep wanting nothing but sleep when I try to sit and read a book or anything else that doesn't require being on my feet moving. Might not be so bad, but I have a lot of things I want to do, like read books and knit, and things I need to do, and they aren't getting done.

Anyway...Grand Revelation of the Week time: I have decided that the thing I hate most in the entire world right now is selfish people. It used to be that the thing I hated most was bigoted, intolerant people - and I sure as hell still do - but I've decided that being bigoted and intolerant is a type of selfishness, so it all works out.

But anyway, I'm pissed as hell at selfish people. You all know the type - the ones who are pretty well convinced that they are the only beings to inhabit this planet; or at least the only ones worth noticing; so therefore they can do as they please, when they please, and expect us all to just bow to their wishes at all times. If they don't like what you have done, said, written, THOUGHT, well then, you are WRONG, wrong, wrong my friend. Sometimes you will be treated to a very long and detailed explanation of just how you are wrong, with one type of Selfish Little Shit (hereafter known as SLS) or, sometimes you will simply be shown, via words, nasty looks, rolled eyes, or other body language how utterly stupid and wrong you are, and how pathetic it is that you tried.

So, can you tell I've been getting pissed off at some SLSs lately? To be clear, I did mean that in the plural, and no, I am not going to discuss who these SLSs are. We'll let them remain anonymous for now.

I'm just tired, tired, tired of that kind of behavior! I know I'm really far from perfect, and I can be a crabby, short-tempered bitch at times. But, at the same time, I really go out of my way to be a nice person, to be thoughtful and considerate, and to treat people well and fairly. I give gifts, whether for occasions or they are just small tokens for no reason, to be nice. I say please and thank you ALL the time, even when I'm irritated or angry. I feel that is necessary, whether I'm talking to a relative, a clerk at a store, or even "asking" (aka telling) a child to do a chore or task.

I am trying very hard to teach my kids the same principles, because *I* selfishly think they are important. In one case, I think it's working.

Now, don't get me wrong - there are times when selfishness is essential. Sometimes, we need to be very selfish in order to get the time we need to take care of ourselves when we are usually taking care of others, or to learn to say "no" to that one more favor that would put you over the tipping point to insanity. Lots of good reasons, yes, but even in those, polite, proper behavior is mandatory.

The kind of selfishness that is making me so crazy is the kind where the person in question speaks, acts, behaves as if they are either the most important person in the universe; or they are actually the ONLY person in the universe, and therefore their behavior doesn't have any effect on anyone else.

That is what gets me, right there. Your behavior does affect others, like when everyone else is ready, and must wait on you, when dinner is on the table getting cold because you can't be bothered to come down until 10 minutes after you were told, when you criticize someone's way of doing things because your way is the only proper way, when you make significant decisions without consulting anyone else (in cases where others have a definite stake in the outcome), when you make rude comments to or about someone because they have thoughts and opinions you disagree with, and especially, when all of the rules that apply to others DO NOT apply to you - in YOUR head only - because you are YOU! Wow! It must be wonderful to live in THAT fantasy world, huh?

We all know people like this, right? I just finally realized yesterday that they were the cause of a lot of the stress in my life. That is unacceptable!

See, I'm not allowed to have stress. I have enough stress from medical issues that there isn't room in my life for any other kind. Since I don't get a vote on whether or not I have the medical stress, I have to rule out all other kinds.

If only it were really that easy, right? I can say I'm banning all SLSs from my life and mean it, but I can't quite practically 100% do that. I'm going to damned well try, but sometimes there are slight issues there. You all know what I mean. Well, maybe not all, because some of you reading may have recognized yourself in those descriptions up there... I'm not going to say I'm sorry, because I'm not - I fully understand that my rants may lose me some readers here and there!!

Anyway.....rant completed. I'm trying to get back to a nice zen-like place now. It's time for some yoga (puppy-assisted yoga, the best kind), then time to start getting things together to head out to the lake with Aimee & Em. It's shaping up to be a gorgeous day out there, so it should be beautiful lakeside! I need to make friends with someone who owns a boat so I can get out ON the lake someday!

Hope everyone's having a wonderful Saturday!

Happy 7th of July

I hope everyone had a good 4th! I was too busy enjoying myself to blog, so you'll have to forgive me.

And, in the spirit of patriotism, you MUST watch this. You must.

Now....was that not the funniest thing you've seen all day? C'mon, you know it was.

Saw my doctors on Thursday, with all pretty

good results. Dr. Mazj wants me back in with the pulmonologist I saw that one time before, because those little whatever-they-ares in my lungs are still there, as (in his word not mine,) "nodules" and need checking. They haven't grown at all since last visit, and are still too small to biopsy, these being good things, but they are still there and unidentified, so he wants them identified, stat. Ok.

He also sent me for labs, of course, and my hemoglobin is back into the "why aren't you dead yet?" range. Andy was sooooo happy it had gone up to almost normal, and now I slipped back down again. Dr. M also noted that I am quite undernourished.

Grr. I've got to start finding the energy to make myself good healthy food again AND make myself eat it. Daddy brought me some great zucchini when he came up for the 4th, and I've eaten one of those, so that counts as a start, right? It wasn't even deep-fried! I am going to go to Safeway today and raid the produce section, I swear, and then I swear I'll eat some of it, even if it's 3 bites a day. That would be 3 bites more than now, right?

Daddy and I were talking food, as we often do, and in discussing the wonders of Trader Joes, I had the grand realization that if I went to TJs on a regular basis, I would undoubtedly eat better, and eat more. TJs has all these wonderful, delectable things, which are organic and whole grain and Omega-3'd and antioxidanted and all sorts of wonderful things like that, and as a killer bonus, are made in little me-sized portions, are cheap, and taste great. Amazing, huh?

(And I'm finding myself wishing more and more that Daddy lived in Gridley, so he could come over and we could talk and have dinner and go do stuff to goof off. Sigh.)

So, I'm thinking I need to get back to a project I started long ago (among many) and make a list of food things that I love but always forget about. Like hummus, for example, or chicken salad, or Waldorf salad, or couscous, fresh fruit or heirloom tomatoes with bleu cheese dressing! Then I need to make an attempt to eat these things once in a while. If I can just make my life-schedule work itself out so that I actually start going to yoga class, yoga is almost right across the street from the shopping center where TJs is - a part of Chico I very rarely go to otherwise. Now, if that ain't a sign - yoga and TJs being near each other - then I don't know what is. Ok.

Moving on... Let's see, hemoglobin bad, things in lungs unidentified, protein and nutrient levels bad, lymphedema bad (but he's going to call the therapist for me and see if he can find out what's up with the torture garment thingy), and I think that's about it from Dr. Mazj.

Next, I went downstairs and saw Dr. Whalen in radiation. Of the many docs I've seen down there, I really like Dr. Whalen. He's nice, he's straight to the point, and he's the doc who took it upon himself to do a bunch of research and consult with Drs. Pisani & Mazj to determine that I did NOT need the internal radiation and that it would probably do more harm than good. That really makes him a good guy in my book! He did some very uncomfortable exams - I'll spare all y'all the details - and discovered that I had a yeast infection without even knowing it. Amazing, because normally I KNOW, but I guess this one is different and stealthy. Could explain some random symptoms and the absolute exhaustion I'm having lately, if there's been an infection of any kind festering in my body and draining resources...and man oh man have I been exhausted and sleeping most of the day for the last couple. So anyway, Diflucan is our friend. I took it yesterday, and hopefully the little yeastiebeasties will already be on the run.

I think that's about it medically... Well, for me at least. Someone else in this house is having major surgery tomorrow - my beautiful baby puppy! Yup, it's time. She's going in to get spayed, which is a good thing over all, but made even better by the fact that Dr. Brenda is going to pull all her remaining puppy teeth while she's under. This is significant! The poor baby has gums that are swollen to all hell and must hurt like nothin' doin', because if you look carefully, you can see the baby tooth and the erupting adult tooth crammed into the same socket. Ow! That's gotta be miserable. She's definitely acting miserable in the form of crabby and getting in trouble. The dog who never gets into things has been stealing random possessions, including my little stuffed elephant Spot, which could have been a tragedy!!! Normally, she'll make off with something random maybe once every week or two. Yesterday, it was maybe 8 things spread throughout the day.

I keep trying to give her teethers - rubber toys kept in the fridge, scraps of washcloth that were wet and then frozen hard, normal toys, nylabones - to keep her busy. They all end up covered in blood, which is very disconcerting, but when I check, it's just normal loose tooth bleeding. This morning, she's been crying non-stop, which of course kills me. I finally gave in and gave her a rawhide, even though I know she'll bleed like crazy, but it keeps her busy, happy and not crying, and those are things to strive for!! I just have to remember to have the vet save me her baby teeth, because I'm weird like that.

When we take her in, Mr. Sparkydog is going along for the ride, so that he can get microchipped

while we're there. They do that on a walk-in basis, which makes it really convenient. Pea got hers when she was in for xrays, and Stella was done with her first puppy shots. Now all the babies will be chipped, and their fretful Mommy will be happy.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we're trying to get the kids ready to head back east with Mommy for a month. They used to go back for the entire summer; last year they didn't go at all; this year we're trying a month.

I'm going to lovelovelovelovelove the quiet and time alone with my darling husband, but I'm also going to go nuts with them gone. I worry nonstop that they'll be unhappy and bored like they were the last summer they went.

Some of you might recall that the last time they went, the summer we moved, she almost brought them home a month early because she and her SO were fighting so much; topi

c of the fights: her never being home or spending any time with the kids, who were then stuck in the condo with him as de facto babysitter for the whole summer. So the atmosphere at that time wasn't great, and the kids were bored out of their skulls on top of that, so therefore I was miserable. I'm praying it goes better this year, for the munchkins' sake. I can't enjoy my time alone with my DH if my little girl is calling me crying.

But anyway, getting them ready to go takes a lot of work! Sorting all their clothes to see what fits, buying more clothes, figuring out what "stuff" they can take to keep themselves busy, etc. All the new airline baggage rules should make this REALLY interesting, what with the charges and weight limits and fees, oh my.

I really wish to god Trevor could take his guitar back with him, but I just can't see it. It would be an immense pain in the ass with infinite potential for damage, but I still wish. He is SO good now, and loves it so much, I hate to see him lose all that playing time. Ah well.

I think that is about all that is new and noteworthy. The only other thing I have to mention is

that I've discovered some new blogs worth checking out, if you're of a mind to do such things.

I'm hooked on the sheer glee that is Cake Wrecks - so now Jen has gotten herself nominated in

the "Funniest" category of some major blog awards. Checking out the competition, I've found some other wonderful silliness to read.

The awards site is here http://www.socialluxelounge.com/blogluxe/ if you want to check out some of the finalists. (Sadly, voting is closed) So far, I've found Twitarded, Meanest Mom and Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper to be bleh so far. However, Bye Bye, Pie! is thus far hilarious, and Barefoot Foodie is

showing strong potential.

Well, and of course, if you're not peeking at Cake Wrecks (www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com) on a daily basis for some serious giggles, you are a total loser anyway. ;-) I mean, how can you NOT read a blog in which yesterday's feature was wedding cakes shaped like tree stumps? C'mon people! Well, I get a lot of serious giggling done, anyway.

(Scary stump cake picture is copyright Cake Wrecks & Jen Yates, I just wanted to show y'all!)

The scary sasquatch and well, I don't know what the hell it is cake pictures are mine, taken at my local MegaLoMart.

The agenda for today is to take the little one to get her hair done - a nice trim to even up her split ends and let those glorious curls hang evenly - and to Safeway, to raid the produce department. I've also got to start working on some pulled pork for sandwiches to use up our stash of both pork and hamburger buns before they all leave. I've got to do a freezer inventory for just that reason. Giant sized packages of anything aren't useful when it's just the two of us, and I hardly eat!

But I think that's about it for now. I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but I can always add it later. Happy Tuesday everyone!! (I'm eating a peach...be impressed!)

Happy July!I

Ah, a new month.....but today feels like a blast from the past.

I'm to be up at the cancer center before 1, go have blood drawn for labs, and then see Dr. Mazj at 1:30 and the radiation oncologist (I never know which one!) after that. Sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it?

Yep, I'm dreading it.

Not because it will really be horrible or something, but just because I have to go do it.

At least I get to go buy fireworks beforehand. That is the fun part of the day. I'm lucky enough to live in one of two cities in Butte County that still allow them, so we're taking advantage. It's Trevor's birthday on the 5th, so that's another excuse to light up the night on the 4th. At least that's what we tell ourselves. Daddy's coming up to play pyro with us this year, so that makes it even more fun!

Otherwise, there's not a hell of a lot going on besides birthday preparation. We don't have gifts to buy - we're taking him to Guitar Center with a virtual gift certificate to spend early next week - but I have to make a mud pie for his cake. Not hard, just time consuming, it seems. I've never made one, but it seems pretty simple.

In other news, I went and saw Andy this week, and my labs came back mostly encouraging. I'm still "not nourished," in his words, but my hemoglobin numbers are up to a place that approaches the bottom of the normal scale, and my A1C diabetes score is 5.5, which is friggin' great - you're supposed to aim for a score under 7. The only major negative was my vitamin B12, so it's finally [sigh] time for me to do the injections, which means I have a kit to pick up at Longs full of syringes and goodies. Wheee. Not.

Meanwhile, I'm still crankin' away on the paperwork pile. It's reaching the home stretch, so that's encouraging. I know it's the first of many, but I think this set is the longest and ugliest to get through.

I think that's about it, but I wanted to give y'all a quick update. I'll have another one of some sort after I see the two oncologists today, so I'll probably post when I get home, whenever that may be. I never know when I go see them!

Stay tuned...

On one hand...or maybe on one foot...

So, as I was working on my lovely disability forms today, a scenario was going through my head.

It's relatively common to open your happy People magazine one day and find an article about a person born with only one limb; or perhaps disfigured in an terrible car accident, who has learned to live with their disability to a point where they've adapted the remaining limb to serve them for everything they need. They can bathe and dress themselves; use the toilet, brush their hair, cook some food, and generally take care of business.

Then, it's inevitable that they've also learned to use that one foot they have to paint masterpieces or play their sonatas on the piano. I don't know--something extraordinary that gets them an article in People magazine and piles of money for their talent.

What the articles don't tell you is that the disabled person HAS to learn to carve castles out of soapstone with his toes to survive because he can't get social security disability.

These forms are bordering on insulting. Can I bathe myself? Yes. Comb my hair? Check. Use the toilet by myself? Hell yes.

Well, odds are that by being able to do all of those things for myself, I'll be SOL on disability. (that's Shit Outta Luck, in case you were wondering) They don't ask if I've learned to get my hair cut in specific ways that are easy for me to blow-dry and style. There's nowhere to mark that I have a big handle in my shower so I can hold on when I lean backwards to wash my hair under the spray. I can even prepare food for myself every day--and sometimes for the kids--but there's a big difference between Pasta Roni with baked chicken, and cutting and chopping veggies for the Asian stir-fry dish that I need to work, hands-on, for the entire cooking time, with homemade pot stickers and dry fried fresh string beans.

Nowhere in the forms are there places to make these distinctions. What if I disclosed honestly on the forms that I went on vacation to Disneyland? Are they going to ask me if I walked or if I was pushed in a wheelchair the whole time, or are they going to immediately assume I must be full of crap when I think I'm disabled?

It's a hell of a strange change in mindset to fill these boogers out. You have to toss all dignity out the window, because you are going to have a natural inclination to try to present yourself in the absolute best light--like writing a resume or something, you're trying to inflate or emphasize how "good" you are, when on these forms, the object is to honestly present how crappy you're really doing, without sounding like you're playing the Dying Swan and whining incessantly.

::sigh::

The latest lymphedema swelling is going down. My hands and fingers are still really seriously shitty, but sometimes I force them to cooperate to do things like type this. They're numb now though, so I should stop. I spent my entire day surfing the Cake Wrecks blog, which provides the maximum giggle factor for my efforts.

And off to bed for me and my numb fingers and droopy eyelids.

The experiment...

Well, let's see...the first five words seem to have gone ok. So did the next nine. Ok.

So what are we testing? I'm learning to type without actually having hands & fingers that really work and have sensation in them.

The good news is that apparently, I CAN type, albeit slowly and with an astronomical error rate, far above my norm. But the fact that I can at all is very good news. The bad news is, well, all of the above.

I don't have the foggiest idea what's going on with my body this time. Normal activities like using silverware, typing or writing, like, say, filling in a zillion Social Security forms seem to have turned my hands and fingers totally ... weird. They feel swollen, but they aren't. They feel heavier and denser than they really are, as if I can't bend them, even though I can, I just can't really feel that I can. They tingle sometimes and feel dead on the surface other times. There is deep, throbbing, dull shooting pain going up my arms to the elbow and sometimes my shoulders.

It's exceptionally hard to explain! (and I'm the one who's feeling it...) It's totally bizarre! Oh, now my hands shake when I try to hold them still. Cool!

Maybe I'll have to keep that appointment with the neurologist in August afterall, won't I? I was planning to cancel it, because if he's anything personality-wise like his office staff, then I hate him already. We shall see.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I can't knit, obviously, and I can't do anything else crafty-like. Typing is...interesting...and it'll be very interesting to see what effect all this typing has on me an hour or a day after I'm done.

So, that was the experiment, to see what my fingers and hands were capable of; and to see if I can do the mental part of the typing, making the fingers go to the right key.

But now I'm seeing part of Farrah's documentary, kind of by accident, so that's completely taken all my attention. It's near impossible for me to watch and it's totally impossible for me to look away...