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Charlie Brown & Snoopy always maintained that happiness was a warm puppy, so I had to wrap mine up in a blankie after she went out to get the paper in the gorgeously clear 40° sunshine this morning. About an hour and a half later, she's still there, quite content.
Now onto my big question. This is going to take some setting up and backstory, so bear with me for a while here.
Part one - about a month or so back (definitely after Christmas, so mid-Jan, tops) there was a story on the news about a local girl who had cancer as well as several other disabilities and had had her wheelchair stolen when her mother's car was stolen. The story centered on how the loss of the chair was more than just the loss of her mobility - it was the loss if her freedom to go places with her mother and be out of the house. I can't remember how old she was - I'm thinking maybe 11 or 13 or somewhere in there - but I remember how she looked and sounded in the piece.
That is the important part. She looked and sounded as "well" as any person with multiple disabilities, but she was alert, and seemed "fine," for lack of a better word, wanting to get her wheels back so she could go out places with her mom. Totally fine.
Now, of course, within a day or two, a kind person in the community gave her a new set of wheels, a chair better and nicer than the one she'd lost, but that's not really germane.
The important part of this story is that there was another follow-up story about her on the news this week. She DIED. Died!
A month or two ago, she looked totally fine and now she's gone.
Part two - On January 21, a friend emailed me on Facebook letting me know that her father had also been diagnosed with stage IV cancer, just like me. (I don't know what kind though) By February 5, her Facebook wall was covered in condolence messages. He passed away within two weeks of getting a diagnosis. Two weeks.
By now, I'm quite sure you all know that I write this blog very candidly, and talk about big icky subjects like death very candidly. That's not to imply any disrespect to anyone or lack of empathy; it's simply the way I have to talk about these things, because they are so close to my own life.
So, can you see where this is going?
My big question is, How do you know you're dying?
Seriously. If it can happen so quickly (I'm really talking about cancer patients specifically here), relative to feeling "fine," then how do you know? What does it feel like? Do you experience some sort of very obvious change or symptom or feeling that tells you, "Ok, this is it?"
These are things I need to know!
I always figured it would be something pretty gradual (obvious, but gradual; and again, talking about cancer) where you'd start to decline, and then you'd know that it was time to start writing all those letters, giving some stuff away, paying your way into the Neptune Society - you know, getting your affairs in order.
Of course, I'm well aware that any of us could be hit by a beer truck or a piece of green ice falling from a 747 at any moment, and that would be that, over and done, but I really did think cancer was different.
And, of course, I'm well aware that I'm not going to get an answer to this question; or at least not one that I like. But this is what's on my mind right now - wondering if I should start writing those letters. Just in case.
8 comments:
Ok my dear, I love you and will be candid....write them! Write them now so you will have no regrets when the time comes. I wrote mine years ago and they sit with my Living Trust. It gave me peace to write them and know they would be there...just in case.
What Dawn said.
Write those letters because it will make you feel better, not because you will need them next week, next month or five years from now.
As far as how do you know you're dying? I can't answer that, but I think there have to be signs. Your scans stop coming back clean, there is a progression of symptoms, weakness. A fading away.
Your doctor tells you it's time to live the time you have left.
That's what I saw with my dad and with Grandma J. And both of them knew. Death was not a surprise.
I think the outward appearance of the little girl you saw on TV was likely deceiving. She was a lot sicker than she appeared.
You're sticking around for a long time, sweetpea. Don't stress over this.
Love you
Mom
Dude, *I* was just thinking almost the same thing, having what I've had to deal with within the last 2 years, BOTH could've killed me...really? Dead?
And then there rolls that cancer society commercial, you've seen it? Where Ricky Martin sings 'happy birthday' to cancer survivors, saying 'here's to more birthdays', I never thought I had to be happy that I survived to another birthday, that that is a big deal....but now, for both you and I, it is a miracle when we make it to the next one...really? ANYway, no answer to your question here I am sorry to say, I am just wondering what the 3rd thing will be, and will it finally do me in? ;-) How many more things can we survive? Well, the tiki collection all goes to you when I kick, so I hope you have room for 90+ tiki mugs!!
I started writing letters to my 2 son's a couple of years ago ... and I write another one every few months or so ... because, like you say- it could be a meteor, or a piece of sour potato!
With my mom ... it was stage IV lung cancer diagnosed exactly a week before she died from it. As it turns out through conversations before she lost conciousness ... there were symptoms that she "wrote off" as age related, etc. Sometimes we ignore things out of fear, only to have those be the things that take us. THANKFULLY, we all had time to chat with her .... but had she waited a couple more days, some of us would not have been there in time. And SHE was not a letter writer. How I would have loved & cherished even a few written words. SO- do it now ... you can always add to them or replace them .... for now, say what you want to MAKE sure people know!! XO They would never go to waste!!!
Most of my family are diabetic and I feel likely to be one.. How could I avoid not passing this hereditary thing to my kids?
home and garden tips
It is obvious that you and everyone in your life is not naive about the fact that cancer is deadly, but I would like you to focus more on living your life than a possible looming end.
I hate it when you tell me things like, "...your dying sister", or "If I make it next year." These reminders are very much not needed to your friends family or yourself(I promise no one will forget). I know you have to be feeling awful in ways I cannot conceive of, but I want to hear about(willingly without my suggestion) about how much you want to fight and live a healthy life, how you want to come out, how you want to see people grow up.
Health/energy/sickness/mental health willing, take care of yourself. I would like you as a personal favor to me, to live your life with an attitude as if you are going to come out of all of this. I am not saying to live in a fantasy world or not to write letters, but not to live in a fatalist self defeating sense too. Eat healthy fresh cancer fighting food(please!), rest, don't stress about trivial things, exercise. It is really hard to articulate myself on this point, or suggest things because of how independent you are and you are a freethinking adult. Alright, sweet.
Oh dear. I have some 'splainin' to do...private email is coming kiddo.
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