I feel like a chihuahua...

...Mostly hairless, rather helpless, so therefore I just get pissy and bad-tempered & snap at people a lot.

Day 17- After my consult with the port surgeon, my next doctor-y thing was to head out to see Andy. That's always a pretty drive out the back roads, and worth the wait involved, to talk to him and Lorrie. It's a doctor visit and a shrink session all at once! Well, at least I come out feeling like it was, because talking to him makes me calmer and gives me a lot to think about.

Day 18- Friday, and yoga time! Ahhhh...... I sat down with Lisa, and explained to her everything that was going on with me physically, so that she could design a practice for that afternoon that fit my immediate needs. We did entirely restorative poses, combined with her working my head, neck and shoulders in some cranio-sacral massage sort of ways, and damned if she didn't get rid of almost all the achies in my neck! The only bad part was that the entire session was over in less than 2 minutes! Ok, it only felt that way, but STILL. I think I was just so deep under (meditating), which I usually am when I'm at her studio, that it was like falling asleep, while the time just whizzed by.

Regardless, Lisa is a HUGE help in managing this beast of a disease - as much as my doctors in many, many respects. I saw her for some private sessions before my very first surgery, to help with pain management and such, and the effects she's had on me are profound. Her role in my cancer fight can't be overstated. I know not everyone fully understands what kinds of things yoga can do; and I know not everyone really "believes" in it, which is fine, but I've learned so much that I am fully confident in saying that it is a VERY powerful TOOL. If I could see her twice a week, I would, and I would probably be a far, far healthier, happier person for it.

As it is, I'm going to be able to do an other 90 minute session like this one before my 3rd & final chemo cycle of this set (before we CT and see what these boogers are doing, and start ANOTHER set of chemo cycles) thanks to a far-too-generous Christmas gift from my father in law (Thanks Pop!!! I love you!). RGD & EJD, thank you again for this one. You guys rock, and I love YOU very much too.

Day 19-20 Sleepover! I got to have a friend come over to play! Dawn came up from the Bay Area Saturday afternoon for a fantastic visit. We didn't do anything special, just had pizza and watched a movie and talked (which was the important part); then got up and went out to brunch and talked some more. Actually, the really important part is that she was here, because my hair was falling out in handfuls, and I REALLY needed one of my friends here for that. Talk about lucky timing!

It is, of course, nothing against my darling husband, but I just needed a friend of the female kind. Poor Lloyd is about as frazzled with my hair loss as I am, but Dawn was able to tell me truthfully when she thought it was time to go for it and shave it all off. Sitting in a restaurant trying to discreetly collect the piles of long hairs gathering on my scarf and shirt and lap was both horrifying and disgusting at the same time!

The best part was just having a friend up to talk to. I swear, I want to have a slumber party, as if I'm 10 again. Maybe I can rent a hotel suite in the Bay Area and shove all the furniture around... Anyway, thank you Dawn, just for being here, and being here to *tell me* what I needed to know. It's fantastic having another cancer survivor to talk to, who I know won't pull any punches, and will tell me the truth.

That said, I better not hear about one more of you getting cancer. NO.

So day 20 ended with my dh and I in the bathroom, hacking with scissors, and then shaving with clippers until I was bald but for my bangs. I thought I'd leave those for a while, to hang out of the hats - but as soon as I got in the shower, they started coming out by the handful, so off then went too.

At least showering is a really fast job now! No shampoo OR conditioner!!

Whether or not bald is beautiful in your book is totally subjective...my head is totally lumpy and scaly from my stupid psoriasis patches...but bald is very definitely COLD!!! It will be nicer once all the stubble falls out & it's smooth, but at least stubble doesn't fall out in giant fluffy waves on the front of your sweater!

Today is day 21. Somehow, it seems like I've been living with this; this label of being "terminal" for 20 days now. It still seems surreal and incomprehensible.

Today, I go in for labs, and pray with all I've got that I have enough happy little neutrophils, the particular white blood cells I need, that they're able to go ahead and chemo me into submission again this week. The biggest fear I have right now is that I WON'T have enough, but I should. Should. Should. Better!!

After I give them blood, we'll go off and entertain ourselves in Paradise for a while and then go see Dr. Mazj so he can tell me what my white count and stats are.

Tomorrow is my "day off" this week, so I can figure out what I need to finish up and get ready before chemo; Weds is my port installation surgery (Hey, Pauline says after I get the port, I'll set off metal detectors! How cool is that?!); Thursday is chemo & Friday is Neulasta. I should be able to do some updates during that time, but I fully expect Sat-Mon or Tues will be full-on misery, deep in the chemo tunnel, where it kills my eyes to even look for the light at the end.

As always, stay tuned, and--

A special note to some of my newer readers: Thanks guys. Having you out there, far-flung, busy adults, taking the time to read the ramblings of someone you knew once upon a time makes me feel good, like I'm really doing something worthwhile. There is a special place in my heart for all of you. For all my readers and friends, really. I never thought I'd be a blogger, because I never had anything interesting to say, or that anyone else would want to read. As I've said, be careful what you ask for.

Much, much post-Valentine's love to you all,

Steph