I am constantly shocked by people who think I have a good attitude about things - even "most of the time," or even some of the time. Do you seriously mean that there are people out there who are pissier, crabbier, whinier, lazier, less graceful, side-effect-ier and hermit-i-er than me?! I thinkmy poor long-suffering husband and kids would be either really upset or really relieved to learn that!!
Well, seriously, let's see... I am actually really glad that people out there think I'm handling this well, because I feel like I'm not at least 90% of the time. I feel constantly selfish and crabby with all the demands I put on everyone around me, from Lloyd and the kids daily to asking Daddy and Dawn to come up to see me all the time when I can't go down to see them to asking the medical assistant or volunteer at chemo to get me pillows or plug/unplug my IV rig when I have to go potty. Just the thought of having to switch from every-4-weeks to every week chemo, even for a while, makes me cringe when I think of the demands that it I'll put on Lloyd and the kids.
When I look around the room at chemo, I usually see nothing but people who are sicker, cheerier, less demanding, quieter, less needy, overall lower-maintenance and take far less time to get "moved in" to their chair, because they're carrying far less CRAP than I am. (giant purse with everything in the world one might ever put in a purse plus idiotPad, Kindle, a tiny portable-happiness digital photo album, meds, etc.; little cooler bag full of Gatorade and snacks; & my big l chemo blankie tote bag with my special chemo blankie, knitting, organizer, slippers, hat/change of hat, extra clothing for hot- or cold- flash changes, pens & cards for essential note-taking and list-making, etc.; and my special little lap-pillow for propping knitting, books, etc. up on my lap - c'mon, how do people function with less?!!!!)
If am the good attitude, then I really don't want to meet someone with a bad one!! But, from what I hear, it sounds like a lot of you have met them.
Tell me the stories! Seriously!! Amuse me with the bad behavior of others. Post a comment, or email me directly if you want to stay anonymous to other readers, and I'll reprint the really juicy ones in a new post for some laughs - no names or anything, I promise.
We could all use some good laughs, no? I realize I have a pretty dark, morbid sense of humor, but it's MY terminal disease, so I'm allowed to be as morbid as I want.
So there.
On that note, here are some pretty pictures of the trainwrecks they're pulling out of my mouth. Enjoy!!
5 comments:
So for anyone reading, this is not a story of anyone worse, although *I* think I was up there on that list for a while and you might agree? ;-)
I do know what you mean, in my 'big room' there were nurses and volunteers floating around and I always felt like I was being a pest when asking for another drink, ice, a magazine, etc. (however when they would leave my machine beeping, I would become a nag ;), but this is just a story of the cheerful in the big room that I just didn't understand....! ;-)
His name was 'Bob' , an older gentleman, and him and his wife were in before I was on our day and would usually still be there after I was let out of the chair, able to leave. Bob's wife would take pictures of Bob fully hooked up with the nurse of the day, she apparently posted pictures for the rest of the family on a blog, and in between chemo, Bob and the wife would go to Indian casinos, and so each time coming back in was usually a story of how much they won or lost. They were always laughing and cheerful, and it boggled my mind as to how they could be so happy, given the circumstances? Still boggles my mind to this day and I hope that they set Bob free by now...
As for you, I do think, given ALL this, you have a remarkably great attitude, granted I don't see you everyday, and I know how the ups and downs can be - you saw how I handled it (I would call it...'not well'), so I would like to think I am the norm and you for some reason, just keep on going, so that is this outsiders casual observation...
Oh, I found a funny postcard last weekend, I'll send it soon~P
In my family- we are having discussions about how each of us are handling the recent diagnosis of my mom. We each have our own way. we each have our own needs. our own limits. our own venting process. our own systems of support. THAT'S rhat it's all about. Not the right way or the wrong way- just our own way. YOU do whatever YOU need to do .... everyone else can learn to deal with it, or get over it!! Selfish? ... maybe. Fair? you betcha. XOXO
But you have to understand, your auntie Annie only sees what is put on this computer. I see, through reading this as well as facebook, someone dealing with such a horrible thing but with loads of humor and strength. You are determined to document your experience in order to help others who may face this in the future. You have not become the hermit you think you are because you are honestly sharing you and the trials you go through with your family and everything else going on in your life, literally with thousands of people on the internet. You may be crabby and cranky with those close to you, but you show us mostly the humor and the strength you have in dealing with this. You have every right to be crabby and cranky, but you rarely show it on here. What I see on here is my little niece who is in a battle for her life and showing me a very strong woman in there in the middle of the battle ! You even manage to make me laugh with some of your posts ! You may not see the person we see, but you truely are that strong, funny girl with a (mostly) good attitude ! Love, Annie
Crap, you make me laugh at times. The description of what you need for a chemo session is so utterly you.
I raised you, sweetpea. I know exactly how stubborn, crabby and demanding you can be. Toss in feeling like shit, or not being able to do what you want to do, and all of that triples. The idea of you being a saint or model patient never once crossed my mind.
There is no right or wrong way to handle terminal illness. The only way to get through is your own way, with as much grace and humor as you can manage. Humor, no matter how morbid, is healthy. See above comment about making me laugh.
Your mother thinks you're doing okay. You're doing better than she is most of the time. You're not a saint or a superhero, but that's all right.
This shit is hard. I'm firmly convinced that the saints, the superheros and the uber cheerful live deep in the state of denial.
Love you
Mom
Steph, 5 days after her first chemo I had to take Laurie to the E.R. Laurie is the most patient, sweet, mild mannered and undemanding person I know. She was in huge pain and the student nurse who put in her I.V. after an hour wait in the waiting room paid dearly for it with a big FUCK you're hurting me! I told Laura to stop cussing and moan louder so they would bring the pain meds faster. She proceded to moan ohhhh,ohhhh, MAMA! I want my MAMA! And we both nearly had to be recessitated cause we were laughing too hard to breath. The nurse came with the morphine (all the faster I am sure for the mama moaning) and Laurie told me, and then the student nurse that she loved us.Sooo stoned.Lots came after that, but the point is that you get by minute by minute, day by day, with the attitude you need at that particular time.So whatever mood you have been in at any stage of this thing whether crabby, pissy, whatever, I think we all know that you are allowed to be whoever you need to be at that time and also that we don't have a clue as to how we would handle it ourselves.You're not as bad as you think you are but you do tote a big assed bag.Well, I gave it to you but still...:)
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