Except maybe earthquakes, tsunamis, brain CTs, possible cluster headaches, and the idea that cancer could even possibly move to your brain.
Yes, boys and girls, it's been a very busy, newsy news week this week. The gerbils who run the prescription TAR department at the lovely agency which is paying for my cancer treatment decided I should deal with everything for about 2, 3 weeks sans anxiety medicine. Isn't that fun, boys and girls? Cold-turkey Xanax withdrawal plus worrisome symptoms to discuss with my doctor... Well, let's just say that as soon as I was done outlining my current life & worries for Dr. Mazj, he made sure he ordered up a nice dose of Anxiety-B-Gone(tm) to be shot into my IV just as soon as I had an IV running. He is a wonderful doctor. Thank the pagan deity of your choice that I'd been back on my usual dose for a whole two days before Godzilla started stomping around in Japan.
{insert a week of bad, bad procrastination here}
So, after yet another chemo, durng which I was falling asleep trying to write this, here I am with an actual blog entry, with actual information to share.
It's CT time again!!..
The appointment is on the 23rd and I have an appointment with Dr, Mazj far too many days after that to learn my fate - not till the 31st.
What's very, very different this time, and rather noteworthy, Is that my scan will cover not just pelvis, abdomen and chest, but will also go up to do a full brain scan. Yes, I said brain.
We all know I've been having some nice little weirdness with sleepwalking, or just space- walking, not remembering anything, and generally acting like I've totally lost it in countless embarrassing ways. I've also been having some very nasty headaches that are somewhere between migraines and cluster-headaches. My grandfather had clusters, and I've seen firsthand how scary they are.
We also all know that many cancers have a nasty habit of spreading to the brain, and unfortunately, mine is one of them.
That's why this has been so hard to write, and taken me so long to post. This is one scan I don't want to have. My grandfather also had cancer; actually both of them did; but the grandpa I was closest to devastated me most. I saw his cancer spread from his lungs to his brain, so you can see where my fears come from. It's too close for comfort.
I'm not sure how many times during this little adventure I've felt deep, outright terror - more than a few. This is one of them. I do not want to have this scan. I do not want to hear the results of this scan.
I do not want to have to tell all of you the results of this scan if they are bad. That is the worst, worst, worst part of the entire thing... But I will have the scan and I will tell the truth. It's just so much fun having your life in so many other people's hands.
Fuck.
10 comments:
I think I'm much too tired to be wise tonight. Much too tired.
But...what ever the scan says, the scan says. Breathe.
You already feel like shit. Don't make yourself feel worse by stressing over things you can't control, change or do a damn thing about.
One day at a time, one hour at a time. That's the best you or any of us can do.
Love you
Mom
who is nodding off over the keyboard
I think that I'm not stressed about the scan, I'm just plain afraid, because I think that if the scan shows that any of those little fuckers in my head, I'm going to be angry. Very, very angry, and I am actually afraid of being that angry. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's how it is.
Blogger just ate a long comment I wrote. Goddamn fucking blogger.
I have to go to work now. I will try again late tonight, probably in email.
Love
Mom
I never thought when we were running around 'on tour' in our 20's that in our 'later years' we'd have duplicate medical lives....
I just had my PET, along with my blood taken 23+ times (CBC & chem 7) and the bone marrow biop...all in one week last week. Granted, YOUR big test is much bigger than my crap, but I do know what you are going though, the anxiety is what kills me, 'what if they SEE something in the results', jumping when you see the medical assistants call you back.
ANYway, I wanted to tell you I understand, and you will get through this, just like you did get through all the rest...
And I did want to add I love the hair! Isn't it odd to have it 'back'? It's been a year for mine and it's is still coming back, little whisps that the chemo killed off coming out of hiding, muppet hair, I never thought I'd be so happy to look 'normal'.
Thanks again for the RBC's, and isn't it funny that all the crap we have when compared to swine flu, the flu seems like a cake walk? ;)
Steph! Are you effing kidding me?!? My heart is beating so fast right now my difribulator might go off at any minute! I'm pissed just thinking of the possibility! I WANT THIS WHOLE MESSAGE IN CAPS BECAUSE I'M YELLING INTERNALLY!!!! Of course you are frightened. Of course you will be beyond angry if that happens. I was effing ticked off when I was told the cancer had come back, couldn't even cry. I wanted to punch something, break something. All I could say was F¥€£!!!!! And that is nothing compared to this possibility. I'll make you a deal, let me worry for you, let my normally very low blood pressure rise, let my pacemaker driven heart thump like mad I can take it. You relax, be at peace, until you get your results then you can unleash in pure celebritory joy or passionate heated anger. Either way I'm here if need someone, although I know you have wonderful support in your life. I'm praying for you as usual, no lie, every night! You are the bestest pen pal I've ever had and I treasure our written friendship! Sending you girl power, not just any girl power, FREMONT GIRL POWER! woot woot XOXO's ~Cin
On a related but unrelated note, isn't it fun/funny to watch all these people in CA freak about 'radiation levels' in the air? Between you and I, we've had more radiation than the average person and we STILL haven't grown that 2nd head Johnny Knoxville had in MIB II, nice that our drama gives us the comfort to know we don't have to chase after iodine pills?! ;-)
Pabs - I've been thinking the exact same things!!!
I think my head to toe CT today counts as being fully pre-baked.....
Baked, yes....When people ask me 'what was radition like' (love those people, they're just afraid someday they will have to do it too) I tell them 'imagine if you were put in a microwave'. You get the light and the hum, too bad there is no popcorn at the end of the production ;)
Pabs, popcorn would be nice!! All I got was a piece of hot pink cling-wrap stuff to cover the giant bruise from the IV!!
Cindi - "thank you" sounds so ridiculously insufficient it's ridiculous!! You *are* always there for me, just an 'enter' key away, and I am so grateful for that. I'm not good at letting GO with my emotions, whether in anger or in tears, so we'll just have to see how I do. Knowing that I always have all of you guys out there to spill to makes me feel much stronger.
Yes, I do have an incredible support network in my life - and you are part of it! ...just an 'enter' key away! 8•)
xoxoxo
~S
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