Oh, hurray!!!!!!!!!

Ok, you can disregard most of my last post.

Our friends are NOT losing their house!!!

There is "something" going on, the details of which I am not privy to, and that is just fine and dandy, as long as they are not losing their home.

That is the only thing that matters.

---------------------

Nothing else is going on. We're being lazy in front of the tv, I'm doing some surfing and shopping online, and resting. The air quality here today is in the "ridiculously unhealthy" range, and my allergies were already acting up - So, being utterly brilliant, I started tidying up in my room, and dusting everything in sight. Now my chest is all tightened up, hurts, and breathing is not any fun.

Sitting is good.

Must not pluck eyebrows... & A really major bummer

Must...not...pluck!

Man, that's hard - watching these little dark black hairs sprout out and having to resist touching any of them.

See, like the rest of my hair, almost all of my eyebrows fell out. The only part that really stayed visible was the widest part of the brow, closest to the nose. Well, they're coming back now, but they're coming back randomly, a hair here, and a hair there. Some of them are also coming in ingrown, which requires me to try and exfoliate the dead skin on top without pulling the hair.

Obviously, there's going to be some shaping to do and plucking will be very necessary. Now here's the big issue: The problem is, I haven't the foggiest idea which hairs will end up being the good ones and which ones will end up being the bad ones, shape-wise.

I'm really very, very tired of looking sloppy and ugly and icky. And stop right there, all of you who feel you have to comment and say I'm not ugly and icky. I know what you're going to say, thank you, but *I* feel ugly and icky, and I'm sick of it.

Grrr.

But anyway, on to something that actually means something - my eyebrows and feeling ugly are so completely meaningless, in the real scheme of things.

What's meaningful is the news that some friends of ours, a family here in Gridley, are losing their house; at least, so says the legal notice Lloyd read in the local paper, which says their house is about to be auctioned off.

I'm hoping this is a giant misprint, a mistake, something. But if it's real.... This is HORRIBLE, and I'm really, really depressed.

I don't think they read this blog, but all the same I'm not going to say anything to ID them. We didn't know a thing about it until we read it in the paper, and there's really no good way to go up to someone and ask if they're really in foreclosure.

I wish there was, because I want to tell them how sorry I am, and offer any help we could. I've been at rock bottom, and I know what it feels like, and it doesn't feel good. I've made it through thanks to my family and friends, and I'd like this family to know that we're here for them. People close to me have visited this particular department of hell, and I know how horrible it is.

If they want to keep this matter private, then I won't say a thing.

If they want help...well, I'm not much use for packing and moving stuff, but I could

• recruit a bunch of people who can pack, haul and carry;
• keep the coffee/soda/beer flowing; and
• make a lunch for all the workers so that they could come take a break in my nice cool house and have something to eat.

We have a mutual friend who may know a lot more about this than I do, and I will definitely be asking her if she knows what's going on.

I guess it was really only a matter of time before the "mortgage crisis," as they call it on the news, hit closer to home for us.

Unfortunately, it just really fucking sucks.

Blog, bloggetty blog blog!

7/12

I am blogging.

I would really prefer to be booking my plane tickets to fly down to LA with Anna in August for a week of fun and relaxation, but no, I am blogging, because Southwest Airlines, despite their wonderful prices and free checked bags, is entirely FUCKED UP right now! I can't book our flights, because their site has an "error."

I can't book the hotel nights I need, at a fabulous price IF I pre-pay the entire cost, because I do not have plane tickets booked, and even as out of practice as I am at this whole travel thing, I'm pretty sure it would be stupid to pay ahead for hotel nights that I won't be able to keep if I'm not even able to get the FUCKING PLANE TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ditto the car rental.....

So, I'm blogging.

(Yeah, I keep trying Southwest again, and I get the same error)

So...how are you all? I'm doing dandy, but I want a nap. Everyone in the house, I think all species, are taking a nap right now *except* me. That just doesn't seem fair at ALL.

I'm on some new happy pills that are supposed to help me break my nap habit. Well, I think they're working. I'm slightly manic and more than slightly hyper. The first day I took one of these I was really hyper, and pushed myself too far, physically, and then had a really rough night, including one of the worst nightmares I've had in ages.

So, yesterday, I thought I'd try 1/2 a pill each dose; maybe be a little less manic, while still having enough "go" to skip my usual nap. The earlier part of the day went well, but then evening came, and I crashed out - just zonked on the couch. Alrighty.... I want a nap NOW. Grrr.

7/13

I got my nap, without really planning to. I kind of conked out randomly and never finished my ranting blog. That's probably best for all concerned, huh? Today, I'm taking the day off. Then again, today is almost over already, so maybe I should take tomorrow off too. All I want to do is read a book and take a nap. That's not so much, really, but "gotta do" stuff keeps intruding. *sigh*

But I got the plane tickets. Whew.

Lloyd is on his way to Kaiser to do something about this horrible virus he's had for the last week, with coughing fits that probably wake the neighbors. I am beyond thrilled that he's finally going to the doctor!!!

The fact that I can play hooky and go lay down and read a book and maybe fall asleep ain't so bad either.........

HIPPO BIRDIE TO DAWN!

A very big, happy, heartfelt Hippo Birdie to Dawn.

You are the greatest, and I'm blessed to have you in my life. I can't imagine it without you now.

Love you!!!!

More actual blogging later...had to get the important thing posted right away. ;-)

...and so here I am.

I did promise in a recent (ahem, "recent" being a relative term) post to post more often...and so here I am.

I don't have a damned thing to say, really, but since when does that matter?

I am having one seriously crappy-ass day, how-I'm-feeling-wise, which I have thus far avoided mentioning to my husband, but which he will undoubtedly now find out about, seeing as how I've chosen to start making noise in the form of typing in an otherwise fairly quiet (if you ignore the tv, his snoring, and assorted dog-related noises, in order of volume level) room and thought that blogging about how crappy I feel might make me feel better...and so here I am.

So far today, I've tried to make myself feel better by laying in bed, watching tv, attempting to sleep, reading magazines, attempting to sleep, finally sleeping, watching more tv, and most recently, reading a Dave Barry book on my Kindle that has resulted in the kind of hysterical giggle fits that are entirely incomprehensible by people who don't quite appreciate Dave Barry on the level that I do and have actually woken (wakened? awoke? awake-i-fied? I have no idea, it's late) my snoring husband AND at least two out of three dogs more than once, which was a great but not perfect distraction...and so here I am.

I think it's actually only been the last half hour or so that I've realized that the entire problem with the day has been that I've been feeling so crappy...and that THAT would be the reason for "The Smell."

For those of you not acquainted with me, my blog, cancer, or all of the above, here's where I issue the mandatory disclaimer that what you're about to read definitely falls under what most people would call "TMI." For the rest of you, you're beyond being shocked at this point.

Ok, see, there was that day back a few months ago, don't ask me what month it was, but it must have been right near Easter because the kids were on a school break and the weather was atrocious, in the rain and wind shaking the house kind of way, when I spent two full days in utter misery before hitting the ER for many hours. Remember that? I sort of do. Anyway, one of the worst parts of that day, for ME, was The Smell. The Smell was coming FROM me. I was positive of this. Now, the good thing is, *I* was the only one who could smell it. I found this pretty unbelievable, really, like my darling husband was just trying to make me feel better - but Aimee swore she couldn't smell it either, and she's under oath never to say things just to make me feel better. A really severe oath.

So, in theory, no one else could smell this hellacious odor that was making me want to claw my eyes out, kind of like meth users do when they feel those invisible bugs on their skin. Foul, foul, foul....and I couldn't figure it out, except at the time, I'd been in the same pjs in the same bed on the same sheets for two days, and figured it was definitely sweat-based, like I was extruding chemo through my skin or something. Not a bad theory, right?

The first thing I did when I got home from the ER was to immediately strip out of everything I'd been wearing and re-dress in large amounts of clean, warm clothing. The Smell has pretty much been absent since then.

Oh, it's also noteworthy to note that this incident occurred a full two weeks after I'd had my last chemo of the first set of chemo treatments, and right after I was supposed to have my first treatment of my second set, BUT hadn't actually had it yet because I was so sick. So, not like the day after or something. Now, it's been a lot of weeks since my last treatment, and here it is back.

Hrm.

I don't get it, but I have absolutely determined that the smell IS coming from me, and that one of the places it definitely IS is in pee. Eww. TMI - I told you! Stinky pee! And because it's The Smell, it's making me insane. I don't know why it's back, but the fact that I feel crummy and The Smell is back add up to me having a really shitty-ass day, and wondering what the hell is happening. Is my body randomly, or on some schedule of some sort, purging some of the remaining chemo left in there? I have no idea!

But I'm less than thrilled...and so here I am. I owe lots of overdue email replies, most notably to two lovely gents whose names (given, taken, or otherwise) both begin with S, and one of whom is in a foreign country far, far away, and the other is in LA, which is almost further away, culturally speaking, from Gridley. I promise to get right on those messages, guys. Honest. As soon as I'm done babbling at the world via blog about my odd smells, during the wee hours.

Or perhaps I'll just take my sleeping pill and hope that banishes the feeling crappy, the snoring, The Smell, stinky pee and all, and the fact that the dogs are taking up at least 75% of the bed space. (I'm so not kidding -I would post a picture here, showing the tiny sliver of space that I have on one side, and my poor husband barely clinging to the other edge, barely not falling off, while the dogs form a perfect triangle in the middle, but my husband would kill me, and rightly so.)

Meanwhile, the only other noteworthy news of the day were the realizations that A) I actually kind of like a Macy Gray song, which should be vaguely criminal; B) I think I am developing a tv-crush on Jimmy Fallon, which will prove highly problematic when Conan comes back on, because my tv-crush on him is far, far stronger; and C) after typing all of this, I am actually starting to get tired.

Not tired enough to sleep, mind you, but just tired enough to be glad that I'm too old to be at a midnight showing of the latest Twilight movie, and too tired to go see if yet another change of wardrobe will banish The Smell. But kind of hungry.

...and so here I am.

I learn new things every day

This past week-or-so, I have learned what a Wordle is. And what a meme is. (I always sort of pretended to know what a meme was, but I was never entirely sure.) Wordles are actually rather cool. I can't figure out how to make one of my own and actually paste it into this entry, but oh well.

I've learned that a long solo trip to the grocery store makes me very, very tired. I learned, in just barely the nick of time, that sometimes it's a good idea to answer an emphatic "YES!" and feel no shame when they ask you if you'd like help out to your car with that. I'm learning, slowly, just how useful it really is to park in the disabled spot.

I've learned that I'm secretly very jealous that I couldn't go kayaking too. I'm not at all jealous of the sunburns two of my kids have on their shins. (I SWEAR we tried to sunscreen them from top to bottom...)

And I'm learning just how hard it is to keep up a regular blog when I don't have major medical news to report all the time!! If you'd asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that I'd never have a blog, because I had nothing to say, and especially nothing that anyone would be interested in reading. I certainly didn't want that to change the way it did, having a massive, life-threatening disease to battle and chronicle - but as we all learn at some point, what happens, happens. So now, after something like two years of things I needed to share with all y'al, I'm back to having nothing interesting to say...which is now a very odd feeling.

I have an ingrown toenail. Is that interesting?! No, probably not.

Status Normal

As promised, here I am! It's not daylight...I kinda missed that...but at least I'm here. Days later, but here.

Things here have been blessedly plain, mainly boring and normal. Normal for us, mind you.

School got out last Friday. The kids leave for their normal summer visit with their mother in mid-July, so they're mostly home until then. The boys are home - We've been busy this week getting things taken care of so Anna can leave on Sunday for a week- Annnnnd, by the time I got back to writing this, she's already almost ready to come HOME from her week of camp.

Anna got accepted - the ONLY person from her school - to attend a prestigious science & math camp at the Sonoma State campus, where she's living in a dorm for a week, attending special classes and projects, and today they were sea kayaking on Tomales Bay, up at Point Reyes. There was a rumor that they might have been visiting the Safari West wildlife preserve too. This is a pretty seriously cool camp. I am way jealous!! If only they'd needed parent chaperones....

So, since I've been trying to write this blog post for well over a week, I think, and not succeeding in getting it posted, I'm going for quick and dirty.

I am fine. Still side effect-y, still amazingly fatigued, but progressing normally. I went in and had my port flushed (apparently I have to do this every 4 to 6 weeks) and got hydrated while I was there. I figure, if we have to make the drive, I might as well get the hydration, because I can always use it. Writing that, I just realized that I haven't had one of my bits where my lips stick to my teeth because I'm so dehydrated - that's a very good sign!!!

I'm going to keep up the hydration though, because Dr. Mazj says I should ask every time I feel like I need it, so it seems kind of silly to drive allllll the way up the mountain and just get the shot and leave.

I'm trying to work on getting some stamina & strength back so I can get out of the house a little more. The cancer center arranged for me to get a wheelchair - but not so I can get wheeled around. Roni told me to use it like a walker, and push the empty chair most of the time; then, when I'm too tired to push anymore, sit down and make someone else push me for a while, then get back up and do it all over again. That actually makes pretty good sense to me, so I'm looking forward to trying it.

The only other item of note is that we're all waiting anxiously for the arrival of our 3rd great-granddaughter, Marley, if she ever decides she wants outta there. Allie is definitely waiting more anxiously than anyone else!!!

That's all folks! As I write this, things are almost downright boring and uneventful around here - absolutely NOTHING worth talking about. I hope all of you are just as lucky!

Ooops...

I think I kinda-sorta owe you guys a blog post, huh?

Yeah....I will have to get around to that, like, immediately.

Tomorrow - immediately tomorrow. ;-p Well, it technically is tomorrow, if you want to get picky about it, but my darling husband is going to get really picky about things if I keep typing while he's trying to sleep.

Having justified a swift return to reading my Chelsea Handler book, which is absolutely fantastically fantastic trash, and I mean that in the best possible way, I'll see you all back here sometime when it's at least light out.

And the CT was good! Ver. 2.0

As most of the universe probably knows by now (thanks to my endless texting, tweeting and Facebook status update), the CT was good. In fact, it was about as good as it could possibly reasonably be.

As with the last one, the nodules in my lungs have not moved, grown or multiplied. Dr. Mazj is of the opinion that some or all of them could be scarring left after the chemo bombardment.

There is no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body that we can see.

My port, the neat little gizmo that lets them deliver the chemo more directly and without destroying my veins, was giving me some trouble, and we were wondering if it had moved, gotten somehow disconnected, or something, so Dr. Mazj had them check that both on the CT and with a catheterogram yesterday. That involved putting me under some nice claustrophobic devices in the cath lab and shooting iodine into the port to look at it on a fluoroscope. So far, so good. We still don't know why it's bugging me, but it's where it should be and still working.

SO, after getting the great news from Dr. Mazj & then getting my port checked out, I sat down for one last hydration session, at least for a while, and then . . . I was set free for the summer, with plans to come back in September for another CT. A summer free of chemo and shots and *everything* icky!!!

But, we should make sure that the important details are clear:

• None of this means I'm cured. I am not cured, and I will not ever be cured.
• Right now, what I am is *stable* - no signs of the disease progressing.
• If I stay stable, right where I am now, for some period of time, maybe years, then I'll be able to say I'm in remission, but I'm not sure how long that will take.
• Any of this could change, at any minute, so I have to be sure to be vigilant about paying attention to my body and any changes or symptoms I might have.
• I am not "well" yet, by any means. I still feel like crap, and chemo side effects can pop up ridiculous amounts of time after therapy has stopped; so I shouldn't worry if I'm still having issues throughout the summer, even if I need to go in and get hydrated every so on. It's going to take time for me to get back to where I was even last December; not to mention where I was before I got cancer.
• The goal for the summer is to try and get back into a "normal" life, whatever in the hell that means, and start getting some strength back, healthy habits and a better ratio of up time to down time.
• However . . . I still have quite a number of other health problems above and beyond the cancer which aren't gone and aren't going anywhere either. I'm not a healthy person, unfortunately.
• And, most importantly:

There are absolutely NO guarantees that the cancer will not pop back up in my lungs, or in some other part of my body. My life span is still a complete unknown. I think I can say that it's longer than a year now, by quite a lot, but there is zero assurance that I will see 70 or 80 - or even 50 or 60.

All I know now is that I've got a chance; a reprieve. Nobody's future is certain, mine is just a little less certain than some peoples' in a lot of ways. Ok, one thing is certain: It's naptime.

More later...after I sleep.

To all of you out there, I love you very much. You are a large part of why I've made it this far.

To friend? Or not to friend? And, Portable Happiness

In the last week or so, I've been getting a bunch of people wanting to befriend me on Facebook. At first I was pretty baffled as to who some of them were, researching them on fb didn't give me any answers.

Those were easy - click the "ignore" button, no concerns involved. It got a little harder when I realized that some of them were actually relatives, albeit relatives who I've not seen or even heard of since I was about 9. As the news of my cancer has spread into the distant parts of my family, I guess more people became interested in seeing what was going on.

Sooooo....I wanted to explain my little "policy" that's sort of evolved. This blog is public. It's meant and expected to be seen by anyone who cares to look and share part of this god-awful journey through the land of cancer. Come one, come all, peek behind the curtain at the freak show! 3 Ring Cervix, you know.

Facebook, however, is not public. I've made a personal decision that Facebook is for ME, as an adult, with my friends. On there, I don't want to be obligated to ask act like a grownup because my kids, grandkids, or whoever are seeing it. I don't want to feel that I have to censor anything I write and want to be 100% comfortable sharing my feelings, my thoughts, and my cancer crap without worrying that the information will be repeated anywhere else, or shared with people that don't even know me. So, with *very* little exception, the only friends I have on fb are people I am friends with and had experiences with out in the real world.

None of this is meant to insult anyone or reflect negative feelings about anyone. It's just that I don't know you. That's all. I want my one little private thing where I can still be the me that I was before I became Cancer Girl and had my whole world turned into one giant medical drama.

So...if you've asked me to be friends on Facebook and I have not accepted, that is the reason. Nothing more, nothing less.

Kind of long to explain, but pretty simple in the end. I figured I'd better explain to the world at large because I HATE hurting anyone's feelings.

OK! On to a happier topic!

I've started working on something to help me through some of the harder times. At first I was

thinking of a picture frame, filled with a collage of pictures of people and things that make me happy. Now it's mutated into something more. I have a stack of these little bitty 4x6 size photo albums that I got at the dollar store for putting recipe cards in, way back when. (Still a fantastic idea to organize all those recipe cards that float around your kitchen!)

I keep thinking of this as nano-scrapbooking. So far, all I've managed to do is start gathering the pictures and snippets of letters and stories that make me happy. It's something very personal, that's really only going to make sense to me, so I don't plan on sharing the actual product with anyone; however, I thought the idea was worth sharing. And we all know lots of people who could use a few more pieces of portable happiness...right?

CT scan was done this morning, despite a last-second worry that I wouldn't make it to the test, thanks to my intestines. I made it through all the barium nastiness, and in theory, we will get the results tomorrow afternoon when we go see Dr. Mazj. I honestly wish you could all be there with me to hold me up when I find out, but I know that my darling husband and the world's world's greatest team of nurses will do a great job.

It's the waiting that will make me insane...

Stay tuned.

Little post, BIG news! (even bigger anxiety?!)

Well, this will be short, because it's post-chemo day, which is the 2nd worst energy-day of my current schedule. The worst is the day after my Neulasta shot, which is therefore going to be tomorrow, the 2nd day after chemo. Or sometimes the day after that, when both the chemo AND Neulasta side effects are hitting me full force at the same time. I'm sure you followed that.

ANYway...some semi major news!

I thought I was having 5 chemo cycles in this current group. The first group was 3 cycles, so I was surprised when Dr. Mazj said 4; and even more surprised when the printed appointment calender I was given showed 5, meaning I wouldn't be finished until the end of June. That would have placed my CT somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd week of July, probably just before the kids leave for Mommy's house.

Surprise! Yesterday was my last chemo session for this group. I was shocked when Roni told me that the other two appointments were mistakes, and that this was it. My CT appointment will be somewhere in the next 2-3 weeks, but I don't have the date yet. I'm going to push to get that appointment scheduled immediately, so that I can plan my life accordingly.

It was actually something of a bonus that yesterday turned out to be my last one, because, for the first time in my history, my labs came back with a white cell count too low for chemo by a full 100 points. Since it was the last one, and since I get the Neulasta white-booster shot today anyway, they went ahead with the treatment. Whew. That would have been a whole ton of wasted driving on Dad's part to come up here and drag me up the mountain twice if they hadn't done the treatment.

But, strange as this will sound to some, finding out that I was done with chemo for a bit is actually the most anxiety-provoking thing that could have happened. When we're doing chemo, we're actively attacking... waiting for the CT...then...waiting for the results...and not knowing what will happen after we get said results..........oh, this is the worst possible. It really is.

Depending on the results, any number of things could happen. We could take a break from chemo - for however long. We could change up the chemo drug regimen. We could move to a "maintenance" program - which could be any number of things.

Basically, god only knows.

And we ALL know how well I do with uncertainty.

Resting time now...

Stop it, stop it, stop it!!

Ok, dear readers, we need to get something cleared up around here.

You, my dear and loyal friends, family, and folks who are just somehow interested in my cancer journey, YOU are my support team through this mess. I can't do it without you.

More and more lately, I'm finding out that all y'all are keeping things from me...negative but important things, so as not to [Please circle one or more choices: upset/ bother/ scare/ anger/ concern/ disturb] me as I fight cancer.

To "protect" me, in a nutshell.

STOP IT!

I am very interested in what's going on in your life, good, bad and indifferent and I am strong enough to handle hearing about the negative parts of your world.

Living up here, away from almost everyone, I'm physically isolated from everyone but my husband and kids most of the time. It gets lonely. I rely on all of you out there more than you know to keep me up on what's happening out there in my family, your families and the world at large.

I don't want to be protected! I want to L I V E the life that I have left, however long it may be, and not have the regret that I wasn't there for so-and-so when [insert crisis] happened, because I didn't know about it until too late.

Hell, I'd be over the moon if every one of you sent me a three-page letter each week telling me everything that had been happening with you. I realize that's pretty impractical; and lord knows I'd never be able to return them all, but MAN would I be in hog-heaven getting to read them.

I know I need to get on here and post more often...It would help if I had something to post about too. Things right now are pretty monotonous most of the time.

This weekend isn't though: Lloyd is heading down south to visit his Pop, brother and sister-in-law down near Pismo Beach. While he's gone, I'll be tasked with taking care of the kids, dogs, cats, bird and fish, and my Daddy will be taking care of me. Daddy and I always have a good time and it will be fantastic to have him up here. He is exceptional company. :-)

SO . . . I need to post more often, so I will think of bright and witty things to say, and you, all of you will please, please stop sheltering me. I'm bald, I look strange, I barf a lot, and I often have tubes or needles sticking out of me, but it's still ME in there, I promise. You can still talk to me as if I'm a totally normal person.

Deal?

XOXOXO Hugs, kisses and lots of love to all of you!

PS-- I think my half-inch long hair is falling out again. ::sigh:: I wish it would just make up its mind!!! :-P

Sometimes, there are miracles.

And usually when you least expect them...

Let's back up a ways so that things make sense. As we all know, I'm in chemo session 2 out of god knows how many to come.

Session 1 seemed to serve to freeze the little fuckers in place - no growth, no multiplication, no nothing - so it made sense to continue with what we were doing to try and keep them that way. It would have been awful nice if they'd disappeared or something, but I don't even hope for miracles of that level.

This week was cycle two, meaning Monday chemo, Tuesday hydration, Neulasta shot and Procrit shot. I'm done with the Venofer or Ferrlecit (iron infusions) for now, unless I need them again.

Last night was pretty horribly gnarly, with the side effects flyin' left and right, and my absolute favorite - an intestinal blockage - taking center stage. I was still so miserable this morning that I had to cancel my appointment with Andy, something I *never* do!

You're starting to wonder about the miracles by now, huh?

Well, the first miracle, thanks in no small part to Lorrie & Andy is that I have Social Security Disability money sitting in my bank account. I'm officially official now!!!! The government recognizes that terminal cancer is rather disabling!

I will get a monthly payment, but at the beginning, I get a retro amount (after paying my lawyer) which will let me get a good start on putting as much money as possible into my mouth.

I will be taking that money to ensure that I do not lose any more teeth in the immediate future. I'm going to do a tiny bit of comparison shopping, and find me a good, compassionate dentist up here who understands that I'm not trying to look like a supermodel; I just want to fill all my cavities and fix all the enamel that chemo has eaten away and get the absolutely necessary crowns or bridges or castles or whatever the hell I need to be able to chew. I do miss chewing.

The second miracle is even more miraculous. Mind-blowing-make-me-cry-miraculous.

The Breast & Cervical Cancer Treatment Program (BCCTP) is a combo state-federal funding deal that has been covering my cancer care thus far. Getting into the program gets you full Medi-Cal coverage for everything related to your cancer. When we first found out about this, we were told that the coverage limits were 18 months for breast cancer and 24 months for cervical.

That would mean that I "expire" in September 2010, which was a rather scary thought, all things considered....BUT, thanks again to the social worker at Feather River Hospital (it was a FRH social worker who got me into the program in the first place - a different social worker, but the same office) we have found out that I qualify for the federal side of the program, which has no limits.

Let's repeat that: It has no limits. I have full medical care coverage for the duration of my cancer, which in my life means, well, my *life*!!!

The only better news I could get about my medical-world would be if my cancer went away. Since I'm not too optimistic about *that* right now, I'll take *this* right now with the most sincere thanks and deepest gratitude there can be.

See, sometimes, there are miracles.

All quiet...

Well guys, I'm happy to report that the past week + has been nice and quiet.

What's new and noteworthy? It's Auntie's birthday!!! That deserves plenty of attention by itself.

So, Happy Hippo Birdie Two Ewe!!

Otherwise...after recovering from my ER trauma, (and updating that pesky medical info in my phone and elsewhere!!) I went and got my first chemo of the new series last Monday. That went fine, with no *major* side effects. It would have been a lot better had I been able to rest in the days following, but that just wasn't to be.

First thing Tuesday morning I went in for a checkup and Pap test with Dr. Davis. I'm not sure how long it's going to be for the results on that to come back on that, but you'll see it here when I do.

Then, after errands and food, we headed back up to Paradise for my post-chemo Neulasta shot and iron infusion.

Wednesday, it was time to go see Andy for my monthly visit. I had a later-day appointment, and when he came out to get me for my turn, I was sound asleep on the couch with Lloyd! I was really tired...

And by Thursday, I was flat out in bed, where I stayed until Saturday, basically!! Either the chemo or the Neulasta hit me really hard with the side effects this time. Massive, deep bone pain and aches all over the body. It hurt to lift a finger...to breathe...at times, I felt like it hurt to even close my eyes! But, laying still most of the time - with heating pad sometimes and icy packs others - and doing some light yoga to stretch out, is the best therapy and pretty much the only thing I could do.

By Saturday, I was a whole lot more comfortable, so I was able to really enjoy my visit with Dawn that night for pizza, movie and conversation; then Sunday, I got to teach her to knit while we waited for our belated-Easter ham dinner to finish up. Thank you Dawn! I know that I'm not the greatest companion these days, since I have to spend so much of my time sitting still, but these visits really make a huge impact in my morale. I don't have many friends who live close enough or are even *able* to come and visit, so I doubly appreciate the ones who can.

Well, it's Monday night now, and I'm back to being seriously achy and miserable...ah well. That's definitely far from the worst I could feel, so I'm not going to complain! Tomorrow is my iron infusion, and then I have the rest of the week to rest and sleep. I think I'm going to go start working on that right now. ;-)

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

...sometimes is too damned far away!!!!!!!!!

You know all those things that you need to do, that you really, really get to one of these days?

Don't wait. Tomorrow is too far away, because you don't know when you'll end up in the ER with an ex-Navy corpsman turned RN trying to get a line into your installed port, no emergency list in Lloyd's phone, NO emergency info in MY phone, which all my daily meds and doses should be kept. Lloyd, a couple nurses, calling Aimee and finally calling Jamie, my fantastic, amazing neighbor who came running over to the ER to bring my Kindle, where there IS a copy of all of this.

The crazy thing is, I SWEAR I had this all set up under control, but it wasn't. I guarantee that I was the most fun that the Gridley ER has seen in a long time!!

All of this started on Thursday, the day I was supposed to start my next chemo series and I just felt like crap. I cancelled, for the first time ever, and felt like hell all day and night. Lloyd was out taking kids back and forth the Grandmas, but when we got home, I actually begged for the ER. I'm not fond of ER visits, so that tells you a lot.

Once they started getting drugs through, my brain started sloooooowly starting to work, and I was able to think of things to help, like calling Aimee (THANK YOU) and He-Jamie, our neighbor across the street, who has the same phone. (and actually a paramedic, I believe!).

When She-Jamie got to the ER with my Kindle, which has a list in it too, we were able to start solving problems. By that time, I had enough IV narcotics in my that I could think enough to realize I was in narc withdrawal because I'd been barfing, and therefore not taking my medicines. This was the breakthrough of the night.

Got me all back up to my proper levels, didn't find anything else on the urinalysis or xrays, and finally I was damn near conscious. I felt bad dragging everyone out in that weather, but Jamie(s) and Aim--you guys save the day.

I will try and write more, and more often later, but right now I'm falling asleep on the computer. My chemo schedule is all whacked up now, so I don't even know when I'm going in to start up. Now I'm going to fall down, with at least 2, but maybe 3 doggies.

When I wake up, I SWEAR I am going to get all of those emergency things up to date. We could have saved at *least* to hours if I'd had my shit with me last night, and not had to drag my amazing, loving friends all over the place.

I'm damned lucky to have all of you!!!!!!!!!!

XOXOXO

And the CT was good!

There are no new nodules.

The nodules that there are have not grown at all since the last scan.

These are very, VERY, VERY good things!

I have a suspicion that I could not have had such a fantastic CT result today without all of you - and your kids, and your pets, custom running shirts, postcards, gifts, photos, email, text messages, bad jokes, good jokes, hand holding, holding me while I cry or while I just need holding, massages, rubbing my back, hats, scarves, thoughts, prayers, Eeyore, Dumbo, flowers, candy... and so many more things I can never think of them all.

So to all of you - my husband, children, father, brother, aunties, uncles, cousins, sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, brothers & sisters (ESPECIALLY sisters!!), by marriage and DECISION; and I was about to say *friends*...but the I realized there probably isn't anyone left who doesn't fit into one of those other categories...

SO, to all of you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

All the medical details will be on the blog here, as soon as I can get my head around it.

Right now, I am very, very, very tired, and I need to go lay down for a good long time.

It's that day.

It's results day.

I got three calls from the cancer center yesterday - of course, my heart skipped a few beats with each glance at the caller ID screen.

First, it was my social worker/counselor, checking in on the scheduling of my infusion and dermatology workshop times next week. They'd somehow gotten reversed, so we fixed that.

Next, it was Shirley, one of our case manager nurses (kind of like the stage managers for our endless productions) responding to the message I left with the service asking for another hydration session this week. I don't know why I need so much hydration, because I drink just plenty, but I can always tell when I do, so better to get the good stuff via IV.

Next, it was Shirley again, with the scary call. This was the call where she put on her best calm "nursey" voice and asked if I could come in a bit early today; say, 1:30 instead of 2:00? so we could discuss my test results from the CT on Monday.

It's my theory that, if the results were positive, any number of things could have happened: She could have pulled Dr. Mazj over for a real quick "Hey, don't stress, it looks like the chemo is having some effect;" or said "Don't get all worried, nothing negative to report, he just wants to talk to you about where things are going;" or any number of things designed to inspire the patient to cease having massive panic attacks and/or convey that while the tumors may not have magically disapparated, there was plenty of room for optimism in some small form.

Hell, I'm not asking for anything outrageous - I just want to hear that the assault of poison is doing SOMEthing, aka keeping the little fuckers from growing anymore, even if its not shrinking noticeably. Definitive, measurable shrinkage would be reallllllly nice.......

For now, I take what I can get; I just need to get something positive to work with, please! The fact that cycle 1 made me violently ill wasn't any fun BUT it did make me feel like the chemo was doing something. Cycles 2 & 3 made me sick, but not anything like Cycle 1, which made me utterly paranoid that it wasn't working. Stupid, I know, but you have to admit there's some sort of third-grade type logic in there. Easter, May Day, pick a random pseudo-holiday and I'll be thrilled to have a "We got 'em on the run" kind of result as my holiday gift.

Now back to reality.

I don't really *expect" to hear that though.... Honestly. At this stage, I expect to hear something hopeful and encouraging, that gives us reason to keep on keeping on, that the barfing et al WILL be worth it in the end.....because that's what I need to hear right now.

And, of course, what I DO NOT need to hear, even with Auntie here, and my giant support team in place, are those two very stark, plain little words: "I'm sorry." They tend to echo.

Needless to say, I'm a little stressed out today. I need to spend special time picking out my outfit-- you know, something ultra comfy squishy and relaxing and just right for your average panic attack. Or something like that. Cross your fingers. Off we go!

CT Day

Well, I had my CT, with all the fun, games and adventure that entails.

Now we wait for the results.

Chemo time again!

Well, it's almost time again... tomorrow is chemo cycle 3 of 3 for our first salvo.

Tomorrow will be a pretty long day in the infusion lab, because I'm getting chemo, Ferrlecit (iron) infusion, AND a Procrit shot, which is supposed to stimulate red cell growth.

Friday, a Neulasta shot, to stimulate my white cells, and THEN...two weeks to go nuts stewing in my own juices waiting for the CT scan that will decide everything about my immediate future.

I'm going to assume that I'll be back on chemo pretty immediately after the CT scan, but it's just a matter of how much, when, how long...depending on how the little fuckers are responding to the treatment. Meanwhile, I'm a total ball of anxiety waiting to know. I just want to know that it's doing something. That's all.

I saw Andy Monday, and I saw Dr. Mazj yesterday & had my labs done. Aside from being anemic, despite the two Ferrlecit infusions I've had so far, and "malnourished," according to some other test, all my labs came back great. My white cells are rebounding beautifully, plenty high enough for chemo and anything else; my kidney function is perfect - everything in line where it should be. That is fantastic news, really.

Meanwhile, life lately has been the usual mix of doctor's appointments, tests and feeling pretty crappy, with some days of feeling fairly decent mixed in here and there for variety. I'm looking forward to Daddy coming up tonight so he can take me to chemo tomorrow and give Lloyd a day off. Lloyd and both boys have had massive cases of the latest flu virus going around, and feel like hell, so he can really use a day off! Or 5 or 10... Luckily, Auntie is coming back soon, and that helps everything.

Other than listing the latest doctor visits and such, I just haven't had a lot to say lately. I've been pretty depressed and anxious most of the time, and sleep far too much.

I also found out yesterday that I will very soon be bird-less for the first time in most of my adult life. :'-( My poor little Elvis BooBoo bird, who I never expected to live this long (he was really sickly as a baby) is failing. He's still very sweet, and is snuggling more than he had in a long time, but he's spending all his time on the bottom of the cage, fluffed up and looking sick. I know it's time...my poor little love is almost 14, and that's as old as most cockatiels get. I didn't need anything else to be sad about, but there you have it.

So, not a lot to say...but that's about everything that's going on around here.

I do want to add another big thanks to all my friends & family out there. I have the most fabulous support group there could ever be, and I get encouragement and strength from all of you every day, whether you're visiting, sending me notes, postcards, hats, scarves, or giant boxes of ginger candies. ;-)

I know I'm not keeping up with blogging enough, but it's been hard for me lately. I am going to try to do better - don't I always say that? ;-) But it's the least I can do for that you all do for me. I just want you to know, even if I don't always write back, I do really, really appreciate your effort in writing to me.

Thank you all for being with me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I absolutely could not be doing this, going through this deeper, harder therapy without you.

...And I almost forgot to title this post!

I almost forgot to post the picture of me wearing the AMAZING "Russian Princess" hat that Scout & Megan sent me during last year's chemo sessions. I never had an occasion to wear it then, but I finally did this year, when we took Josh & Cheryl to the Sierra Nevada brewery for lunch.

Anyway, just a quick entry to say that the dermatology seminar yesterday got cancelled, sadly, because the doctor was sick, so I'm rescheduled till the 31st.

Dr. Mazj stopped by to visit me during my Ferrlecit (iron supplement) infusion yesterday, and told me that the bumpies on my head are folliculitis, a chemo side effect. Of course they are. Of course.

I've been zonked out today, spending the day in bed, because every post-infusion day is pretty much a lost cause. I am so tired and so physically drained and out of it, all I can do is lay here, but at least I got some writing caught up on. A few more days of freedom to rest, then next week we see Andy, get labs done, Dr. Mazj, chemo.......but Daddy is coming to take me to chemo, and Dawn is coming after that, so I'm looking forward to the visits. :-)

Here's to a few uneventful quiet days ahead...