Ahhhh, the very early am before the latest CT result appointment.
A couple of hours ago, I really would have told you I wasn't terribly concerned - and I wasn't. I still don't *feel* concerned, worried, whatever, but it's 3:30 am, my first attempt at sleeping was a complete waste of time, and here I am. I really am interested in the results of this one in a *very-almost" clinical way.
Up through my previous test, I'd been receiving a drug called Taxol. Each scan showed very slight growth on the nodules, but nothing "medically significant," in their parlance. Well, that either meant the drug was keeping the nodes from growing more than a teeny bit, or it meant it was doing absolutely nothing at all, and the nodules would have grown that much anyway.
So, right after the last scan, we switched to a new drug, Topotecan. I've been on that once a week; three weeks on, one week off, since the beginning (some typo I just made converted "beginning" into "stinking.". This entertains me to no end!!!) {sorry -} of the calendar year, and this will be the first test to see if it's actually done anything.
As I see it, there are basically three possible outcome/inference sets to this test.
A) a marked, "medically significant" reduction in the size or number of nodules in the lung, which would lead us to infer that the Topotecan is working quite well.
B) a small, not "medically significant" growth in either the size and/or number of the nodules, which would leave us once again unsure if the drug was working, in keeping the growth minimal; or not working at all, letting the cancer move at it's own snail-y pace.
Or
C) a marked, very significant (medically or otherwise!) growth in size or number of the nodules in the lungs, or worse (yes, there *is* a "worse!"), spread of the cancer to any other part of my body. That is the worst result I can imagine.
Yes, that is the worst possible outcome, which was why I was so terrified of the brain scan.
SO, it is now time for me to go get showered and lovely for my drive up the mountain. It's starting to be my favorite time of year to make the drive - the hills are all lush green, and the wildflowers are starting to pop out everywhere, like brushstrokes of color splashed on the dark green backdrop. If I can ever remember to hunt for a good stopping and parking place near where I can see anything - and if I can FIND such a thing, I will try my damnedest to get some good pictures this year. It is better in person though, hint, hint....so you should come visit to see for yourself. 8•)
Off to get ready - appointment at 11:15, and I promise to text, tweet, blog and Facebook my test results as soon as I get 'em. Gotta love having WiF at the cancer center!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Water, water, water...
We normally come from that direction, but large parts of the road we take are rather underwater at the moment. We had to come the long way today...but of course we had to go look at the flood!
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Sunday, March 27, 2011
Braaaaaaaiiiiiins!
Zombies around the world, rejoice!
My brain has been certified clean and tumor free! Yes, I'm as shocked as some of you are.
As I'd posted before, I wasn't supposed to get to know that yet - but, a fantastic chemo nurse happened to notice that the results were in my file, and since they were positive-happy/negative-nothing in there, she called the doctor at his conference to get permission to share them with me in his absence.
She assured me that the rest of the test results (the chest/abdomen/pelvis scan) were not in the file, and most likely would take at least a couple more days. I can deal with that.
I don't actually have another single thing to share right now, but I really don't care. I'm thrilled to have those test results already - and not be waiting until the 31st to find out - and otherwise, I'm just trying to get through the post-chemo ickies. I feel pretty icky. I woke up on my own about an hour early from my nap, and I strongly wish I hadn't. The headache is *bad* and the body aches are absolutely *vicious* AND a certain kitty cat thinks I'm a jungle gym to be walked all over.
Time for some more resting. BOOO for pain, but YAY for a tumor-free brain!
My brain has been certified clean and tumor free! Yes, I'm as shocked as some of you are.
As I'd posted before, I wasn't supposed to get to know that yet - but, a fantastic chemo nurse happened to notice that the results were in my file, and since they were positive-happy/negative-nothing in there, she called the doctor at his conference to get permission to share them with me in his absence.
She assured me that the rest of the test results (the chest/abdomen/pelvis scan) were not in the file, and most likely would take at least a couple more days. I can deal with that.
I don't actually have another single thing to share right now, but I really don't care. I'm thrilled to have those test results already - and not be waiting until the 31st to find out - and otherwise, I'm just trying to get through the post-chemo ickies. I feel pretty icky. I woke up on my own about an hour early from my nap, and I strongly wish I hadn't. The headache is *bad* and the body aches are absolutely *vicious* AND a certain kitty cat thinks I'm a jungle gym to be walked all over.
Time for some more resting. BOOO for pain, but YAY for a tumor-free brain!
Friday, March 25, 2011
No news is no news
Look, Easter egg condoms!!
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Wild weather and mundane updates!
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Well, we didn't get quite the exciting tornados and .5" hail that towns within a half hour's drive caught, but it's been interesting around here nonetheless! Yesterday, we were getting wind gusts anywhere up to 70mph, and WE, lucky us, go to go drive around in it.
Our first stop was the dentist, to have my final fitting for my neato new set of teeth. I thought I was taking them home... And when Katie told me I wasn't, I actually almost cried. It's been a very long trip, this dental odyssey. I think I started this back in October - or was it November? Anyway, its been a lomg trip of extractions, filling, root canal-ing, crowns, temporary teeth and impressions, and I am SOOOOOO excited at the thought of being finally done. Being finally done will mean that (after a short -hopefully - acclimation process), I will actually be ale to eat like a normal person again! I might be able to go back to doing things like eating three apples a day, and having carrots for snacks, and making little dishes of warm mixed nuts to munch on, put my popcorn maker back into use.........oh, so many things!
But I have to wait. Almost a whole month more, I have to wait. All of this makes me very sad.
So, next order of business was getting some food before we went up the mountain, into the unknown manifestation of the storm, at the higher altitude. I was really upset after the dentist, didn't feel much like eating, didn't care what I ate, so Lloyd picked Arby's. While we were still waiting to be served, my phone rings - it's the cancer center telling me they have no power. So much for chemo!!
Since our need to hurry was gone, we ditched Arby's, and tried a new Mexican place we'd seen on tv (La Comida, Oroville) and then took me and my piss-poor mood home to bed. I needed that.
Comfy, squishy fuzzy kitty always helps too.
Oliver is my bedroom cat. He takes every chance to snuggle in bed. Then when he's done snuggling he climbs up my pillows and curls up there behind my head, blends in with the stuffed animals and goes to sleep.
Unfortunately, during my nap, I manage to have a big whopping sleepwalking/talking/whatever incident, and Lloyd tells me it was a doozie. That makes me really wonder about a connection between the level of my anxiety and stress & the having of and level of these nocturnal crazy fits. Yesterday I was at least a level 8 or 9 on the scale yesterday, between the teeth and not going to chemo
Ok....on to the important stuff.... Yes, I did have my CT, scanned from pelvis, abdomen, chest and head. I'm going to guess that my neck was somewhere in there too. You could say that I'm a tad nervous about the results.
Not going to chemo meant no possibility of finding out yesterday. I'm rescheduled for this am, but I think my doc is off today. The whole place shuts down early on Fridays.
So, time to go get dressed and enjoy my insanely high level of anxiety and stress!!!!
There is lots more to say here, about many more things, but time was limited and I had to get out the test non-update and such. Besides, I need more time to think.... I will try to write more from chemo, and try to address some of the issues that have been coming up on here.
For now, I'm outta here. 8•)
Friday, March 18, 2011
Nothing to fear but fear itself, and running out of Xanax
Except maybe earthquakes, tsunamis, brain CTs, possible cluster headaches, and the idea that cancer could even possibly move to your brain.
Yes, boys and girls, it's been a very busy, newsy news week this week. The gerbils who run the prescription TAR department at the lovely agency which is paying for my cancer treatment decided I should deal with everything for about 2, 3 weeks sans anxiety medicine. Isn't that fun, boys and girls? Cold-turkey Xanax withdrawal plus worrisome symptoms to discuss with my doctor... Well, let's just say that as soon as I was done outlining my current life & worries for Dr. Mazj, he made sure he ordered up a nice dose of Anxiety-B-Gone(tm) to be shot into my IV just as soon as I had an IV running. He is a wonderful doctor. Thank the pagan deity of your choice that I'd been back on my usual dose for a whole two days before Godzilla started stomping around in Japan.
{insert a week of bad, bad procrastination here}
So, after yet another chemo, durng which I was falling asleep trying to write this, here I am with an actual blog entry, with actual information to share.
It's CT time again!!..
The appointment is on the 23rd and I have an appointment with Dr, Mazj far too many days after that to learn my fate - not till the 31st.
What's very, very different this time, and rather noteworthy, Is that my scan will cover not just pelvis, abdomen and chest, but will also go up to do a full brain scan. Yes, I said brain.
We all know I've been having some nice little weirdness with sleepwalking, or just space- walking, not remembering anything, and generally acting like I've totally lost it in countless embarrassing ways. I've also been having some very nasty headaches that are somewhere between migraines and cluster-headaches. My grandfather had clusters, and I've seen firsthand how scary they are.
We also all know that many cancers have a nasty habit of spreading to the brain, and unfortunately, mine is one of them.
That's why this has been so hard to write, and taken me so long to post. This is one scan I don't want to have. My grandfather also had cancer; actually both of them did; but the grandpa I was closest to devastated me most. I saw his cancer spread from his lungs to his brain, so you can see where my fears come from. It's too close for comfort.
I'm not sure how many times during this little adventure I've felt deep, outright terror - more than a few. This is one of them. I do not want to have this scan. I do not want to hear the results of this scan.
I do not want to have to tell all of you the results of this scan if they are bad. That is the worst, worst, worst part of the entire thing... But I will have the scan and I will tell the truth. It's just so much fun having your life in so many other people's hands.
Fuck.
Yes, boys and girls, it's been a very busy, newsy news week this week. The gerbils who run the prescription TAR department at the lovely agency which is paying for my cancer treatment decided I should deal with everything for about 2, 3 weeks sans anxiety medicine. Isn't that fun, boys and girls? Cold-turkey Xanax withdrawal plus worrisome symptoms to discuss with my doctor... Well, let's just say that as soon as I was done outlining my current life & worries for Dr. Mazj, he made sure he ordered up a nice dose of Anxiety-B-Gone(tm) to be shot into my IV just as soon as I had an IV running. He is a wonderful doctor. Thank the pagan deity of your choice that I'd been back on my usual dose for a whole two days before Godzilla started stomping around in Japan.
{insert a week of bad, bad procrastination here}
So, after yet another chemo, durng which I was falling asleep trying to write this, here I am with an actual blog entry, with actual information to share.
It's CT time again!!..
The appointment is on the 23rd and I have an appointment with Dr, Mazj far too many days after that to learn my fate - not till the 31st.
What's very, very different this time, and rather noteworthy, Is that my scan will cover not just pelvis, abdomen and chest, but will also go up to do a full brain scan. Yes, I said brain.
We all know I've been having some nice little weirdness with sleepwalking, or just space- walking, not remembering anything, and generally acting like I've totally lost it in countless embarrassing ways. I've also been having some very nasty headaches that are somewhere between migraines and cluster-headaches. My grandfather had clusters, and I've seen firsthand how scary they are.
We also all know that many cancers have a nasty habit of spreading to the brain, and unfortunately, mine is one of them.
That's why this has been so hard to write, and taken me so long to post. This is one scan I don't want to have. My grandfather also had cancer; actually both of them did; but the grandpa I was closest to devastated me most. I saw his cancer spread from his lungs to his brain, so you can see where my fears come from. It's too close for comfort.
I'm not sure how many times during this little adventure I've felt deep, outright terror - more than a few. This is one of them. I do not want to have this scan. I do not want to hear the results of this scan.
I do not want to have to tell all of you the results of this scan if they are bad. That is the worst, worst, worst part of the entire thing... But I will have the scan and I will tell the truth. It's just so much fun having your life in so many other people's hands.
Fuck.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
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