Well, it's been a week..pppffffffffttt

I can't say it's been a great week, but it's been a week.

First my poor doggie's butt explodes. This should have been a sign.

After doing all of that distgusting "prep" for the colonoscopy, I managed to have a diabetic blood sugar crash, mainly because I had no idea what I should have been doing all day to manage the fasting. So, after all the fasting and the Roto-Rootering of my insides to clean them out for the exam....No test. just an embarrassing late-night conversation with my doctor, an angry tummy, and, yes...(wait for it...) a return date next month to do it all again.

Great start.
Apparently, after having all day Tuesday and Wednesday to percolate in my system, the clean-out stuff decided to make a repeat visit. A bad one, apparently the precise millisecond I was waking up. This meant washing sheets, brand new pjs going in the trash, lots of cleaning, and a whole day of misery with a whopping side of humiliation.

(Hey, you people want to read an honest cancer blog, you're in the right place. A happy, tidy one without diarrhea or adult sanitary products? Try again.)

Luckily, thanks I'm sure to the massive, excessive doses of imodium and adult sanitary products, I made it TO and THROUGH chemo without further incident.

Of course, somewhere in the course of the day, my cell phone froze up, and refused to unfreeze. Of course. So, after our nice dinner at Marie Callendars (and following the crushing disappointment of Sees, the Source Of All Bonbons, being closed) we hopped on over to the Verizon store, where a very nice new friend named Patricia swapped it out with a functioning one. Lots of re-customizing, and I have to re-do my entire ICE medical app, but those are minor concerns in the face of what could have been, had I lost all my contacts, photos and random data. Someday I really need to learn how to back that thing up...

And then we came home, and I barfed a lot.

That brings us to yesterday, the day I started this entry, the day in which this entry started posting itself to the blog long before it was done, just because the tech gremlins wanted to prove that they could. Yesterday started with me feeling terrible. It ended with me feeling terrible - nothing terribly shocking for the day after chemo and a major intestinal explosion.

The real capper was a just-before-bedtime random discussion which spontaneously mutated from a discussion into a teenage tantrum. I meant no harm at all in the discussion, which was simply another variant on the "kids who refuse to leave their computers" topic, but I apparently hit a really sore spot without knowing it. That made me feel like absolute shit. It always does, if I hurt someone's feelings, because I never, ever, ever try to intentionally hurt someone's feelings. The fact that the tantrum-throwing boy seems to think that it is always my intention to hurt him or attack him directly for no reason hurts MY feelings pretty good too though. Being the Evil StepMonster does get very, very old after a while. But, I grit my teeth and take my anxiety pills and make sure they never see me crack as I retreat to my corner and chant my mantra, "when they're thirty...when they're thirty..." under my breath. I figure since actually telling them that my feelings are hurt (or are capable of being hurt) just makes them scornful, to say the least, letting them see it would result in precisely nothing good.

Ahhh, a lovely end to a lovely day!!
Things like that deepen my resolve to read "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," just to read about a "mother" (& I use that term loosely here) who is far and away worse at the job than I am.

•••• Have you heard of this book?! It's all over the magazine reviews right now; a memoir by a woman determined to raise her two daughters "the Chinese way," and in the course of doing so, does things like call her little girl "garbage" for less-than-perfect piano skills, threaten to burn all her stuffed animals if the piece isn't played perfectly the next time and reject handmade birthday cards from both girls because they didn't show enough effort. Good lord. And yet, while I think the woman should have been jailed for child abuse (she made her three-year-old stand outside in the rain at night for yet another musical imperfection), she is oft-quoted often saying ONE thing that has my attention - "Chinese parents assume strength, not fragility." Hrm. Hrm. I admit, I'm intrigued. ••••

But ANYway, it was a less than stellar week. I am really, really hoping that this weekend provides a nice buffer and leads to a pleasant no-chemo week ahead. Admittedly, I have a dentist appointment, and one with Andy, but I'm still looking forward to a poison-free few days to let my system rebound a bit.

Back on the subject of parenting for just a minute though - I found another magazine article that was particularly interesting. Time magazine, January 31, page 17: "How Video Games May Contribute to Mental Illness." Oh, how I wish this article had come out when these boys were younger...we might have fought harder, instead of completely giving up in the battle over restricting computer use time.

The study cited in the article looked at associations between personality, gaming and future mental disorders. One finding is that kids with impulsive personalities, less empathy for others and poor social skills were more likely to become pathological gamers. Uh huh, I'm listening... These kids ended to log nearly twice as much computer time weekly compared to their peers. "Addicted gamers also tended to be more aggressive and antisocial." But most disturbingly, the study also found that pathological, addicted gamers were at a higher risk of developing mental conditions like depression, anxiety and social phobias within a couple of years. All of the study results seem to counter the popular belief that some teens play as a way to cope with existing mental illness. Instead, the latest results demonstrate that the relationships between addictive gaming and mental health are more complicated than we thought, "with mental disorders being both contributors to and consequences of video-game dependence."

Yup.

I hate to say it, but every single point made in the article could be illustrated inside this household. If your kids are young enough to stop this behavior before it starts, grab that chance and run with it. With our boys, at least, I can safely say that almost every, and I do mean almost every - say, 99 of 100 - argument or conflict we have is rooted in that pathological, obsessive gaming and the void it creates, suspending time so that chores, homework and even dinnertime are at the least, very annoying interruptions to their very important business of game playing and more often, reason for explosion. They haven't got the slightest idea why we find this to be a bad thing; unacceptable, or why we continue to intrude on them the way we do. That is the scariest part, right there - they really think that their game play is as important, if not more so than any events in the real world.

Well, it scares the crap out of *me* anyway.

Here's hoping for a very uneventful weekend. Cross your fingers and toes for me, ok?

NO colonoscopy!

Yep, you read that right, and nope, no early morning hospital run. Lucky me, after going through all of the HELLISH "prep" today, my diabetes decided to kick in and drop my glucose out from under me, leading to a frantic sugar push, a very miserable night, and a mortifying late-night phone conversation with my surgeon.

Between the exploding-butt dog and my not-happening butt surgery, it's been a really lovely day.

Trust me.

A bigger-bigger bed!

This, dear readers, is why the world needs to make a bigger bed available to the general public.

When you think about it, the PetKing(tm) size would be an instant hit! As long as a Cal-King, and as wide as a std King plus, oh, maybe a full/double as well and Bingo! You've actually got a mattress big enough for two normal sized people and at least 3 largish dogs, with spare corners for a pussycat here or there.

It would be revolutionary!

Now we just need them to make bigger sheets...and bedrooms... But I really think I'm onto something here.

SNL + Sees Candy = strange ideas
:-)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Books, books, books!!

I've had more than few requests from friends for "good" books to read lately. Well, I am the girl to ask!!

Being cancer girl means that I've probably got more reading time on my hands than all the rest of my friends combined. I guess it's a good thing I'm such a book-fiend, although it always makes me feel guilty when I sit down and lose myself in a book for hours instead of finishing a knitting project or something else "productive." Ahh, "productivity," the eternal guilt-producing specter that hangs over my head.

I mean, right now, I'm feeling ridiculously tired, beat and battered in the manner of a massive chemo side-effect attack with a good dose of fibro-fun on top of it. My legs ache and are throbbing from hips to toes, which makes even standing up an unpleasant experience, but everyone else in the house is doing their normal Sunday chores, so I feel intense guilt for sitting here on my bed like a lump. ::sigh::

I passionately hate guilt.

But, considering that tomorrow I will have to take a little spotty dog to the vet to get his poor butt fixed (impacted anal gland), and then spend the entire afternoon doing the disgusting "prep" for my colonoscopy - aka getting MY butt fixed - I have got to force myself to take the rest while I can get it.

But ANYway, about books - I figure I might as well share some of what I've been reading for those who are looking for a good book. I haven't been very good at populating the " useless information" trivia column lately, so I'm thinking that book reviews may move into that space for posterity.

Recently, I've been on this "comedian" kick and have been reading autobiographies of some very funny people. I can recommend Sarah Silverman's "The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee" and Kathy Griffin's "Official Book Club Selection" very highly. I've also read all three of Chelsea Handler's books recently, and I can't stress enough how different her books are from Silverman or Griffin. Chelsea's books are humor, written to be funny, and they are, most of the time. Silverman and Griffin are writing very real autobiographies in the warts-and-all tradition, showing themselves to be very intelligent women (much more than you realize at first) who have worked very hard to get where they are and also happen to be very, very funny.

I would highly recommend Griffin's book as a fascinating look at the reality of being a working actress and comedian, someone who was not an overnight sensation, but who worked her ass off to get where she is today. Sarah Silverman's book is different in that spends a little more time in her childhood, fighting the chronic bedwetting mentioned in the title, but it is no less engaging. Either of them is going to be a funny, very satisfying read. And Chelsea? If you can take the raunch, you'll laugh your ass off.

Ok, there are my first book recommendations. Hopefully someone out there will find them interesting!

Aimee starts to regret bringing me to chemo...

So, Aim didn't realize that being blogged was part of the deal when she agreed to drive me chemo this week.

I'll make it up to her somehow. ;-)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Otherwise, things are all going well. I'm totally recovered from my endocscopy, with just a bit if a sore throat to remind me. I'm NOT looking forward to doing the PREP for the colonoscopy on Monday, but I'll survive. Stay tuned for the news on that one, but I expect a nice boring weekend after chemo, lolling around in side-effect land. Prep on Monday, colonoscopy on Tues, and then I'm taking a week off to recover!!

And all is well!

No silly pictures, but all done, and all is well in my tummy. And in my esophagus, and my small intestines.

No polyps, no nothing, just a healthy line of stomach sutures. Yay!

Next week, we get to do the exam from the other end and see what the colonoscopy says. I can't say I'm thrilled about having it, but at least then it will be over.

Now home to rest...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Endo time!

Off I go to my endoscopy.... Stay tuned for the updates later!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

it's new drug time at chemo

I'm sure I have things to say about this.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Here's a lovely photo of me getting the first treatment with my new weekly drug, Topotecan. It's a far better picture of the shawl Lloyd got me for Christmas, which is a beautiful example of a type of special weaving called jamawar, long practiced in India but nearly lost to the years. The Indian government has helped get the craft started again, and these incredible colors and patterns are the result. There's your obscure history lesson for the day.

Its really far more fun to start the blog post from my lovely Android phone, which allows me to sort of post photos (which is a no-no on the idiotPad) and then finish them on the idiotPad.

However, das idiotPad feels a strong need to help tonight, much more than usual and is making me want to extract its spell checker with a dinner fork.

And I am tired and in pain so there will be more tomorrow.

Everyone pray for those Australian flood waters to go down down down down. My thoughts are with you, and with anyone who could suddenly find themselves in the path of a wall of water.

It is scary out there, so please take care of yourself & yours, and then do what you can for others who might need help too. I think that's a good philosophy, no matter where you are.

Be kind to one another.
I hope you are all sleeping warm, tight and loved tonight.

Joy!

Do you know what this is?

*These* are fully packed boxes of Christmas crap, all ready to be dragged out to the garage. Luckily, that part isn't my job. My job is DONE! No Christmas decor all over the house for the whole year!

Triumph.

Now I can read and knit for the rest of the day without the slightest bit of guilt. I kinda spent the last two days in bed, exhausted from the last time I did some work around the house, so that guilt was piling up...

But now I'm feeling quite pleased with myself. Utterly exhausted, but pleased.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

{Hey, where'd the picture go?! Ah, well, it was just a photo of packed plastic crates anyway.}

Giggle for the day

Seen in the Signals catalog - world's funniest onesie.

The picture is hard to read; especially since I managed to put it on here sideways, and I have no way of fixing it. It says:

Inside me I've got:
world peace
2 rainbows
light from 4 stars
green stuff
milk
some dog hair
and
a
raisin

I find this funnier than hell, but the price is no joke - $24.95 for one organic cotton onesie. (Signals.com if you want one)

Not a lot going on here, but the Christmas tree is down. I worked on cleaning up the house Mon & Tues and felt dead to the world yesterday; so I rested. I think I feel worse today, but I have to work on getting the rest of the Christmas stuff out today. I swore I would not have it still out for the whole year this year, and I'm not breaking THAT resolution!

But, I'm running out of time, because starting next Tues, January becomes that giant medical marathon I mentioned before. Once all of that starts, I suspect I won't feel like cleaning much.

My doggie girl is feeling better too. Yay! The urine culture said she actually had an e. coli infection. We had to change antibiotics, so now she's really on the road to recovery...as soon as she digests that rawhide we let her have last night!

I hope your new year is starting off as well as mine is so far. A healthy doggie and a clean house go a long way toward keeping me happy!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

The Princess Pea & the Pee

This is the face of a (spoiled) old girl with a bladder infection. My poor love! Luckily she's been on antibiotics for a few days and she's getting better.

Today is the REAL first day of the new year - the first day of SCHOOL! Muhahahahaha!!!! And, I have the entire week free of appointments, so I have lots or time to start taking down the Christmas decorations. This year, they're coming down if it kills me!

I love having the week to clean, get things in order, and feel like I'm starting the new year fresh.

I also love the BloggerDroid app making it possible to shoot a photo on the phone & blog it instantly! The idiotPad doesn't have a camera, and of course, doesn't allow me to use Blogger properly, much less put up photos. Yay for 'droid technology!

Android 2, crApple 0

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

Mmmm...

So, I got this incredible book for Christmas - "The Illustrated Cook's Book of Ingredients; 2500 of the world's best with classic recipes," & reading it is almost torture. I want stinky cheese with almonds & apricots now. And fresh mozzarella with heirloom tomatoes. And fresh coconut. And snow crab. And Chinese food. And! And!

I'm sure you get the point.
So anyway - Happy New Year! One of my myriad resolutions is to become a far better (aka more prolific) blogger.

Given that the month of January alone will bring 3 chemo sessions, an endoscopy, a colonoscopy, several visits to the lab and probably at least 1 root canal, I'll either have tons to write about or no energy to write it. We shall see.

Despite the rough start, I'm convinced 2011 is going to be an improvement over the past year. If nothing else, I'm going to live past my January 26 "expiration date," and that's no small thing, right?

Right.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!!

FINALLY...sheesh. The whole season so far has felt pretty BLAH, like it's August or something. Just nothing there, bad or good. I never, ever would have guessed what it would take to turn things around for me. It was really something rather small-ish, and one of the last things I personally EVER would have asked Santa to bring me: another kid.

Yup, you read that right.
See, the child in question is one of nature's most perfect species, The Grandchild.

Then again, she is also a pretty damned sweet, smart, adorable and perfect example of that perfect species. ;-> NOT that I'm biased or anything, because I am absolutely not.

But anyway, Lloyd decided that since he was down visiting with his Dad, brother and other relatives down in Jason's neck of the wood, AND since Jason, Chrissy & the kids would be coming here on Thursday for their Christmas visit, he'd just bring Juliet home with him. Somehow or another, it was just the thing. I'm apparently incapable of keeping my holiday blahs in place while she's around.

They're going home after dinner on Xmas eve which kind of bums me out, because I love watching her and Wyatt open their gifts. But, it will be good for them to have Santa come to their own house this year too. Earlier today she asked me, in the most pleading, wheedling little voice ever, if she could open just one of her presents while she was here. I got a huge kick out of watching her reaction when I told her that unless her mommy had a problem with it (there's a very valid reason why her mommy might might need her to wait on one of them) the she got to open ALL of them. Serious grandparent moment there!!!

She is just such a happy little being that I guess it rubs off. She bops around the house, playing here, torturing a teenaged uncle there, and telling me that she likes doing chores. Well, chores not including helping Anna clean her pit. Juliet said the same thing we're all thinking - " I just don't know where to start!" before she gave up. Luckily, she likes making cookies with me even better, so I've been finding ways to keep her occupied and feeling " useful." Tomorrow will be a heavy baking kind of day around here.

I'm just glad I've slid further over from Grinch to Who on the official Who-ville Christmas Spirit Meter, which I totally just made up right now. I was feeling pretty Grinchy there for a while.

Christmas IS coming, whether we want it to one not, and there is still lots to do to get ready, but I'm up an elf, so I have more help than usual.
Ho ho ho!

And the result was....

(the results of the CT/angio performed this afternoon are....). NEGATIVE for any blood clots, which is what they were looking for, and shows no changes to all the other random stuff in there.

This means YAY, Good, Happy Day, skip and single a jaunty little tune.
I'm going to sleep as as soon as humanly possible!!!

Update!

Well, there is sort of an update that I have to squeeze in here before it's time to leave.

I saw Roni yesterday, Dr. Mazj's PA. (physicians assistant) That's normal, as I see one or the other of them the day before each chemo. 

In telling her what had been going on since our last chat, I had to tell her about some chest pain incidents I'd had a few times. I know from what the doctor told me that these pains had nothing at all to do with my cancer - they were allergy/asthma/flu kind of pains associated with a cough or congestion, or were very obviously part of an anxiety attack in progress.

But, I had to tell her. She had to tell Dr. Mazj.
::sigh::

SO, instead of JUST having chemo today, I am having an angio-CT, and THEN chemo.  Grr.

I'll let the Internet explain:
"CT imaging uses special x-ray equipment to produce multiple images and a computer to join them together in multidimensional views. In CT angiography (CTA), computed tomography using a contrast material is injected into a peripheral vein to produce detailed images of both blood vessels and tissues."

Yeah, that. Other than the IV, it's painless. Hopefully, it will use the same CT machine I've been thru before, which will make it non-claustrophobic as well.

Despite all of that useful knowledge, I am still more than slightly anxiety-attacked about it all. I don't have the slightest idea why, but there you have it.

The results of all of my scans come back fast, and I'm usually getting them done down in Chico. Since this is being done right there at the hospital, I wouldn't be surprised if he had the results tomorrow when I come back for my Neulasta shot or even sometime during my long chemo day today.

Needless to say (thanks to the wifi at the hospital), I will have he results posted up here just as soon as I get them. If there is anything noteworthy to add this afternoon, I will make sure to get it up here, so watch this space!

Happy sleepy jingle-dogs!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4

'tis the season, part 2

And, after setting an alarm for eight am, so I could get up and out early to do my final bits of shopping, we realized that our plan (out @10; shop in Chico, eat lunch, head up he mountain for 2:30 gastro appt) had a huge, Labradork-shaped hole in it......that would be the Labradork, who has to stay in her kennel/crate while we're gone. So far, four to five hours is about the limit we've attuned her to, and the above plan works out to something like six or seven. The new plan is to go shopping after my appointment, and dinner instead of lunch, which leaves me with several hours this morning to spare. My darling husband has the enviable ability to go (back) to sleep just about any time, any where, for any reason, but I do not, and thus am curled up with a dog in my armpit and a tablet on my lap.

Other than getting ready for Christmas, and trying to reduce my festivities to a manageable level, there has really been very little to update all y'all on. I thought I was done shopping, until I realized that I wasn't. That was a serious downer, considering I had done every bit of it via the Internet and one husband-dispatch to Target. I personally haven't set foot in a single store other than CVS in close to a month, and I was quite proud.

Toning down the celebration feels almost like more work than not toning it down would have been. I have to make a thousand decisions about what stays, what goes, what I do myself, and what I pass off to a kid. The kids really are used to me doing most things, or me and Anna; so I have to constantly consciously remind myself to force the boys to get off their computers and get involved. Thankfully it hasn't been hard - they've been pretty willing to go along when I tell them that after dinner, the three of the are going to finish the tree, period, end of story. I just can't do it now, and passing the job along to the three of them feels simultaneously good and like a huge loss. Well, mostly it feels like cheating.

I keep saying I have to enjoy every holiday I have as much as possible, but I just can't get up much enthusiasm for celebrating. Then again, I don't have much enthusiasm for anything except sleeping, and here I have the morning suddenly free, and I'm typing instead of snoring. Figures. Then again, again, there is a man, a cat, and three dogs in this bed, and not a hell of a lot of room left to stretch out! When we got this nice big bed, we thought we'd finally have enough room...instead, we added a dog. They need to make a bed size bigger than king, and call it "Pet" or "Dog" size - like a Cal King plus another double or something.

Anyway...
I have no idea where I was going with this, or if I was going anywhere.
It's probably time to wrap this up and check in with the rest of my life before its time to get ready to go visit my latest new doctor. (as if I needed any more, right?)
As always, I will try to keep this more up to date, and as always, I will probably fail. It's worth a shot! I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday season. I'm trying to do that too!!

'tis the Season!

'tis the season for absolute exhaustion, is what it 'tis the season FOR.

Could someone please remind me how I used to do all this stuff AND have a job and something of a life? I once remember going to three Christmas parties in a single day, and now I'm doing great if I can make it up the stairs three times in a day.

Anna is, as always, being an incredible helper and head elf, wrapping, decorating and anything else I ask her for help with. I just can't keep up with her, and like every other occasion that comes around these days, *this* Christmas is the one where I have to stop, sit down, and reevaluate absolutely everything I'm trying to do. And, inevitably, cut what I'm trying to do in half, then half again........and probably in half again.

And as I write that, I realize that it is 12:54--- and that I have to get up early in the morning to go shopping, (because I discovered that I am definitely not done shopping for my head elf) and THEN head up the mountain for an appointment with a man who will probably want to stick things up my butt. Yep, I made an appointment for that privilege. Gastroenterologists have the best jobs.

SO, more later. I just wanted to drop in and let everyone know I'm still alive! Chemo this week, whee!!
Stay tuned.

No fair!

Absolutely not fair!

I went to see Andy yesterday, and now I have until Monday "off." (since going to doctors and dentists js basically my "job," I always feel like days we can stay home are like days off work.)

SO, what happens when I have four free days in front of me? C'mon, you all know the answer to this one: I GET SICK.
Of course!!!

I woke up at four, or some other ungodly hour, shivering so hard my teeth were slamming into each other, chattering. I had to put a wad of gauze in my mouth to bite on and not break my remaining teeth. Bundled up in a robe and hat and popped some ibuprofen to break the 100.4 fever. Oh, what joy! When I woke up again around seven, I still had the fever, but the shivering had stopped. Another dose of ibu and naproxen, and the fever finally broke around 8. Thank god, because if I have a fever of 100.5 or higher, I have to go to the cancer center or ER - chemo rules. I just missed it this time.

So now I have a congested everything; am dizzy as hell; feel kind of like I'm hung over; have a sore throat and a cough; have massive body aches, like you get with the flu; and have a major seeing-spots kind of headache.

Why?

What did I do?

Could someone out there please speak with the-powers-that-be and get this stopped?

Hello winter!

Dude! All of a sudden it is COOOOOOOLD around here!

Leaving for the dentist this morning marked our first time scraping frost and ice off the car before we could go anywhere. Everything on our side of the street was white and gorgeous, covered in frost.

Not too many updates of any importance...

Thanksgiving was nice, with Dad and Chris up. Chris helped me cook, and that was a very welcome thing. We cooked, we ate, and we even took a trip out to an indian casino. It was nice to get out of the house a little bit, but it did wear me out. Even with all Chris' help, I still managed to over-do it, and landed myself in bed for a couple of days afterward. Ah well.

The Venofer infusions I was getting (iron) weren't working out too well - I was getting ridiculous headaches and even vomited blood once - so we stopped those until I see the doctor again.

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to see a gastro doc to try and figure out WHY I was vomiting blood, and why my scans are still showing slight intestinal obstructions. That doubtlessly means a colonoscopy or endoscopy or both. I'm looking forward to those OH SO MUCH, as I'm sure you can imagine.

December marks my last Taxol chemo treatment, which might be great or might be....bleh. In January we're going to switch to a drug called Topotecan, which will be infusions every week, 3 weeks on and 1 week off. We're going to be very, very tired, but there is a chance that the Taxol I've been getting all this time hasn't been doing a thing, since I have had growth in the tumors, slow as it's been. Maybe the new drug will stop the growth entirely; maybe it will do nothing.

I've got to give it a shot though, because any growth is bad growth, as far as I'm concerned!

Until then, it's all about getting ready for the holidays. Pea was less than enthused about her photo session for our annual strange Christmas card, but that's ok. You'll all get to see the final results soon enough.

And now, it's bedtime...

More soon. Happy Winter everyone!!