I'm baaaaaack..........

Yup, I'm back! Dr. McCutie Pisani and his friend DaVinci the magical surgery robot with at least 4 arms did a masterful job of tidying up my insides and rigging things into place with guy wires or something.

Surgery went well, and the hotel stay, despite no private room, was as pleasant as any could be. So, it was basically miserable, but that was nobody's fault except MY body's fault!! I had some wonderful visitors who were able to take some time to come see me, even if our visits were unconventional-- Thanks for driving me to Dad's house Dawn & Jeff!!

I'm very sad about the people I wasn't able to see, but it was a pretty unpleasant trip to the bay area with little free time. I will have to go down, get a nice size room, and invited everyone over for a party!

So, I am recovering well, with an assortment of fuzzy four-footed companions at all times, and a very helpful little two-footed one who helps me out with anything I need and then keeps me company to boot!

My poor, long-suffering, darling husband is taking wonderful care of me, keeping the cooler at my bedside stocked with all the important things in life, like Diet Dr. Pepper, G2, and Lunchables, my new meal-in-a-box standard meal. Not the gross kinds like pizza or tacos; the good, old kind with just meat, cheese & crackers.

All in all, I am doing well, trying to get through my mandated week to 10 days of serious rest, walking circles around the room for exercise, taking my naps.

Sadly, what I'm not doing is being on the computer. Did my adorable doctor implant a Luddite transformer or something while they were in there?? I just have no interest in it at all--blogging, facebook, email, anything... I'm sure I'll get back to it soon, but for now, I just have to apologize and promise I'll be back!

I promise I'll be back!

It's naptime now, yay! If you want to find me, send a text, 'k?

I'll see you soon..........................................

XOXOXO,

~S

Off to see the wizard...again!

HOSPITAL TIME!!

Gee, does that sound familiar?

Well, here we go! I'm almost entirely packed, and therefore almost ready to tackle the last bit of organizing I have to do here at home, and then we're off.

Tons of anxiety.

Lots of stress.

Manic packing and racing around from one thing to another in a lovely ADD manner.

Too much luggage.

Too much shit I MUST take!

Husband who worries too much.

Too many things at home that are being left undone...which makes more stress.

But...................too little time to do anything else.

Time to zip the zippers, hop in the shower, and get out of here, quick like a

bunny. Wish me luck.

Happy Halloweenies!

Those happy Halloweenies would be us!

We like Halloween around here. Even the boys finally find a reason to leave their troll-cave, to

join in the important business of scaring the living shit out of almost* anyone and everyone they can.

[*There is an automatic exception made for anyone under the age of 8 and/or wearing pink fairy princess wings. It seems to be a rule that all little tiny, under-5 girls come with a set of

pink wings. Are they issued at birth?]

The front yard is decorated, intensely. We have the largest collection of styrofoam tombstones on the entire street. A casual passer-by might even make the mistake of thinking we're DONE decorating. Ha ha ha ha ha!

The real work begins right at dusk. That's when the lightsticks start getting cracked, and the light-up ice cubes (YES, I still have a bunch of those damned things!) get banged on things, and all the final, glowing, eerie touches are put on things. That reminds me, I have a ghost to finish!

Do we go overboard? Well, I'd have to emphatically say yes; but we have a rep to protect here! Over the last couple of Halloweens

here in Gridley, a town that takes holiday decor very, very seriously, we've expanded our decorating each year. It's worth it, to be the house that the kids all say "Wow!" over. Anna even had a boy tell her about this great house she HAD to see. . . her own.

And, this year, surgery is after Halloween, not before. Gee, I wonder when surgery will be next year? Kidding, kidding. Last year I wasn't able to really get out there and enjoy it the way I wanted to because I was recovering from the massive cancer surgery. Anna went trick or treating last year with a GIANT group from around the neighborhood. I guess our neighbor Brandy organized it, and Jamie was going along to chaperone, so she offered to take Anna along since I wasn't feeling well. That's Jamie for you - always asking if she can help me out. She is amazing!!

I'm hoping that a big group is going again, so that I can go along this time. I want to decorate my Labradollie with a pretty collar made from lightsticks and take her trick or treating. Doesn't that sound like a good idea? I think so. Good doggie socialization practice.

We have enough candy for the entire U.S. armed forces. The boys take care of monitoring the candy bowl on the porch, while playing statues in their all-black, faceless robes. As mentioned before, anyone too little or sporting wings is purposely not scared, or Lloyd or I give them their candy, but anyone from about middle-school age onward is fair game for the boys to scare the pants off of. Oh, but they have so much fun! The squeals and screams of teenage girls is just music to the ears! ;-)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am progressing slowly but surely toward being ready to leave for surgery. This is very difficult for me this time, and I don't know why it's so hard. I think I'm fully over my flu (Tamiflu ROCKS), just very tired still, and I think it's more of a mental block getting to me. I'm forcing myself to stop, relax, and slash the to-do list by at least 3/4. That's pretty darn radical for me, huh?

Radical and HARD for me to do...but I'm doing it. I will admit to massive anxiety attacks since last night though. The anxiety makes me just want to get it done faster so that it's done. I'm really torn trying to figure out what would get rid of the anxiety better-- getting everything DONE as fast as humanly possible so I can be DONE, or just doing a tiny bit at a time and knowing that I'll manage to be ready in time somehow. Urgh!! Lots of anxiety!! I want to just relax and enjoy Halloween, but I feel like I can't d

o that; I have to work, work, work until I've got every last thing ready to go.

I know that it will all work out and be done and be fine. Intellectually, I do know that. Doesn't help the anxiety any, but I know that.

I should get up and get to work on some of that stuff, shouldn't I? Yup, I should. And I will, but I do have a couple other things to do first.

One of those things is setting up a new blog. Not to replace this one--this one will continue to be the source of information about all of my medical fun and games. The new blog will be primarily to act like a billboard, giving information and requesting information on this insane Fremont cancer cluster that's developing. I think my list is

up to 19 people now, MY AGE, who have been hit with cancer in their 30s. This is completely insane, and totally unacceptable, so I'll be continuing to try and get information on as many people as I can, to pass along to the actual authorities on this stuff, the nice folks at the CDC. I am both fascinated and terrified to see what comes of this.

With that, I'm off, reluctantly, to be productive, so I can goof off to the extreme later!!

Random thoughts from flu-land

Ok, it finally happened. I have the flu. Everyone in the house has had some version of the flu, but my version is different than theirs. Unfortunately, it's very likely that I have the H1N1 strain instead of the seasonal strain, according to what I've read on the CDC websites, based on, among other things, the fact that I've actually had a seasonal flu shot some weeks ago . Grr.

At least the timing is good. I have to recover from this before surgery, or else! I have enough time now, and a little bit later I might not. Luckily, I also have THE best doctor in the entire world. When I saw Andy on Thursday, he gave me a prescription for Tamiflu, and by the time it got filled I very definitely needed it. Thank you Andy!!

I've never had Tamiflu before, so it should be interesting to see what it's like.

Meanwhile, cartoons are good, and "The Penguins of Madagascar" is the best cartoon on tv. It's actually almost as good as the Madagascar movies. If you're not familiar with it, it features the 4 penguins, of course, as well as the lemurs, King Julian, Maurice and Mort. None of the voices are the same as the movie, but they've got such good imitators, you'd never know. Can you tell I am quite impressed? My digital cable box gives me reminders of when to turn the channel for the next showing.

Also of note, "Mighty B" is a cartoon featuring Amy Poehler as this rather manic "Honeybee Scout" girl. It's hilarious. Once again, Nickelodeon rules the airwaves with GOOD kids content. The cartoons are actually smart AND funny. Can we tell I like cartoons?

Sitting in bed being sick also seems to get me a lap-cat from time to time. Lap-cats are even better than cartoons, but they tend to leap off your lap rather unpredictably.

So, we shall see how quickly this booger goes away. First thing in the morning and last thing at night are always the worst........At least it's good practice for my post-op confinement, right? RIIiiiight.

I'm sick. I'm kind of dippy. Whee!

Surgery Time...Again...

Now, who among you actually thought I'd get through this ordeal without more surgery? Anyone? Anyone?

Nope, I didn't think so.

My next round of cut-and-paste is scheduled for Thursday, November 5, at El Camino Hospital in Mountain View. It is planned to be a laparoscopic surgery, hopefully using the ultra neato-coolo daVinci robotic surgical system. I've had lots of surgery, but I've never had robot surgery before!!

The general idea is that surgery is at 7:30 am, will run for 2-1/2 to 3 hours, then probably that long in the recovery room. Based on that, I'd figure on being in my room no sooner than noon, but possibly sooner or later. Very hard to tell in advance, because recovery room time always varies AND this could turn into an open surgery at any point if the laparoscopic approach isn't

working.

The usual stay after a procedure like this is "a day or two." In my case, with all of my comorbidities, my slow recovery times, and a 4 hour drive home as soon as I leave, I'm pushing for the day or two to be Friday and Saturday with discharge no earlier than Sunday. I hate to say it, but I'd rather stay in longer and be farther along the recovery curve before I get sent home.

The surgery this time is to tidy up a bit after my last few surgeries. Some of my internal organs (well, the only ones I have left!) in the lower abdomen have kind of come loose and are bearing down on what's left of the vaginal canal, causing it to start to prolapse and invert. This is not any fun at all. My bladder and bowels are about all that's left in there and they're both kind of smooshed down right now.

The doctor is going to use a Gore-tex patch of some sort and attach it to a patch of fascia (connective tissue) on my lower spine in the sacral area. Then he'll stretch the top of the vaginal

canal up and make an attachment to the patch. The bowel and bladder will get attached somehow too so they can't try to escape anymore!

I can honestly say that I am REALLY looking forward

to this surgery!! Isn't that bizarre? Well, going to the bathroom has been utter hell for the longest time now because my urethra seems to be kinked like a bendy straw. I can't wait to be fixed!!

Luckily, this recovery should be far, far easier than the last one. Famous last words, lol.

I will again ask someone to step in as the CIO for a couple of days to update the blog right after surgery so thatall y'all know how I'm doing

Right now, everything is geared toward trying to get ready to go down for surgery while feeling pretty crummy at the same time. Everyone in the house has had some version of a cold or flu lately, even Lloyd, and he's usually impervious to viruses. I see to only half-catch it, which is way more annoying than having it all the way. All I know is that I'm going in for surgery no matter what, so if I'm going to get it, I'd better get it NOW so it can be gone by the time it's time.

Oh, let's see...I think that's about it! I have a zillion items on my to-do lists for before surgery, and I need to force myself to feel decent enough-- awake enough!-- to get them done, because I'll be really pissed off at myself if I don't.

I just hate going off to surgery, or even on vacation or something, knowing I'll be coming home to a messy house. I feel so much better while I'm in the hospital knowing that all my clothes are put away in the right places so I an find what I need with very little effort. My darling husband totally doesn't get it! Stuff like that, as well as packing for the little journey, forcing myself to not take the kitchen sink, will make a big difference in my mental state and therefore my physical condition as well. Stupid, but true. I'm just totally anal that way.

With that, I'll open up the floor to questions...

Hey!! At least I'll have something to write about again, huh?! Whoo hoo!!

A few thoughts on cars, high school reunions & color-coordinated duct tape

Note: This entry is the chronicle of my rather ill-fated trip down to the Bay Area to attend my class reunion. I'll be posting the info about my upcoming surgery in a separate post so that you don't have to dig through all of this to get to it!

-----------------------

Friday:

Have you ever had one of those times where you just KNOW you shouldn't go - wherever it is that you're supposed to be going- and you go anyway, and everything else that happens from the time you leave the house confirms your first instinct, that you shouldn't go?

I shouldn't have gone. But I did, and here I am, at the beginning of what is proving to be the most expensive trip from Gridley to Santa Clara in the history of the universe.

The drive down wasn't bad at all. I took just about forever to pack, and I think I brought the kitchen sink. After I finally got my shit in gear, got loaded up and got out, I headed out to Yuba City to pick up my favorite vintage 50s party dress at the dry cleaners and get my nails done. A quick trip to Target to wander the clothing department didn't yield a dress alternative for tonight, sadly, but I did find THE best pair of leather gloves in the history of leather gloves. Nice.

I think that during the time I was in Yuba City I almost turned around and went back home about 6 or 7 times. But I didn't. I went.

The drive down actually wasn't bad at all. Shockingly enough, I didn't even have to stop for a potty break! I ran into a bit of traffic just over the bridge, into Concord and Walnut Creek, thanks to two accidents, one on each side of the freeway, in the exact same place! How weird is that? Otherwise, it was smooth sailing in my direction, but looking at the other side of the freeway confirmed that there was no way in hell I could turn around and go home. Ever! Well, it looked like that.

I got to the hotel in great time. Unfortunately, 99.9% of the parking lot was closed off to have the stripes repainted. It would open in the next afternoon, but meanwhile, any parking was the garage behind the hotel.

I pulled up to the valet to get my pounds of stuff unloaded, and, fatefully, rolled down the passenger side window.

THAT was the end of the trip being easy.

Why? Because the god damned window wouldn't go back up.

Not with the switch on my door, not with the switch on the passenger door, not from being pulled up by a bellman, while the car engine was on, and not, eventually, by the nice AAA Road Service guy, an hour+ later, after I had to unload my car down to the registration and garage door opener and everything else in there, check in, get my shit hauled upstairs, call AAA the first time and get left on hold for 17 minutes, call them again and have them not put me on hold, go downstairs again and beg the valets to let it sit in front of the hotel and put into on of the only 12 valet spots they had, so that someone could make sure the car didn't disappear.

There's where it started to get expensive!

But…it's under watchful eyes of the great Hyatt bellmen who know about my window problem, and it's even very easy to see from my window up here on the seventh floor. That gives me some nice peace of mind.

The plan was to first to the smartest thing I can ever do - call Daddy. I asked him if he could come and help me put something over the window, which he could, and then I'd call the shop that the tow truck guy came from first thing on Monday morning to get the window fixed and rent a car to go to the doctor in the afternoon.

Then I came back up to my room, and after eating a little snack, discovered that the tub of fresh mozzarella balls marinated in oil that I had in my cooler had cracked, and my cooler was now an oil slick of seasoned oil.

Later, I barfed a few times.

Saturday:

Well, the next morning, Daddy came to the rescue to help me close up the window with plastic and duct tape. Daddy always comes to the rescue, thank the deity of your choice, and this time he came with duct tape to match my car. How cool is that?

Eventually, it was time to go to the reunion, the whole reason I was here. MY DRESS FIT!! Yes, I was very afraid that it wouldn't, thanks to my weird weight fluctuations! So, I had my favorite vintage party dress, and I felt comfortable, which makes "the" difference in how much I enjoy myself at an event.

Darcy came and I lent her shoes, since hers were way too big. Then I gave her surgical tape so she could tape herself into her dress. These are perfectly normal Darcy-related activities.

The reunion was very nice. It was great to see people and get a chance to catch up a bit. The evening just went by so quickly that is was a blur! There are some truly horribly embarrassing pictures of me out there, mainly because Darcy was doing something to make me embarrassed in all the pictures. Our reunion committee worked their little butts off making the night wonderful. I think, as a former event planner and Certified Meeting Professional, I can say that they did an exemplary job.

Thank you guys. You deserve a big round of applause.

The high point of the evening, for me, was when Pauline got there, because she actually CAME!!!!!!!! We did a lot of sitting and talking, while Darcy did a lot of walking and mingling. I am not so good at mingling. Darcy has no such problems. Unfortunately, the low point of the evening was when I came up to the room mid-party to barf up my nice vegetarian dinner. Minor details, right?

Sunday:

Well, unfortunately, today eventually brought more barfing.

Thankfully, I was able to enjoy a wonderful afternoon with Dawn though, which was another major high point of the trip.

I was supposed to go to dinner tonight with Daddy in Hayward, but right after Dawn left, the barfing started again, along with lots of other things. I was hot flash-y while she was here, and feeling kind of sick-ish, but I fought it off for a while.

I spent my evening laying very, very still and not eating. I actually didn't really eat all day long, which was probably for the best.

Monday…..Tuesday:

I didn't feel any better on Monday morning, but I got up at 6 am anyway, so that I could call the car repair shop, take the truck in, rent a car, and be functional in time to go see my surgeon.

I somehow managed to do every one of those things. The only hard part was not falling asleep in the time between getting the rental car and going to the doctor.

By the time I left the doctor's office, I was scheduled for surgery in November to correct the vaginal prolapse I've developed, which really makes me slightly miserable a lot of the time. I don't want to have more surgery, especially right at the holiday season again, but I have to do it. My next post will explain the details.

By the time I was done at the doctor, my car was ready to pick up. Sadly, it wasn't fixed, but they did manage to put the window up into the window frame in the UP position, so I could at least drive it home safely. Let me tell you, that was a very, very good thing…..

I spent the evening laying around some more feeling icky, but Dawn dropped by to visit again before she headed to work for a night shift and that was very nice.

By the time I got up to leave on Tuesday morning, the monsoon had arrived. Wind, rain, and absolute zero visibility along a very large part of the drive home became the norm. Some parts of Hwy 113 were flooded, and other parts had big pieces of tree blowing across the road. Whee.

Luckily, I got home safely, just very, very tired. If I'd had to make the drive without the window being fixed, it would have been a very different story, so let me give out a big reference for Fortes Auto Repair in Mountain View. 5 stars!!

I am still very, very tired. Today is was Thursday, and I don't even remember yesterday. I've been trying all morning to catch up on "housekeeping" tasks, like calling all my doctors to tell them about my upcoming surgery. I think, now, as soon as I put this entry up on the blog, it will officially be time for my nap.

Stay tuned in the next day or so for the detailed info on my upcoming surgery. I promise the full explanation, but right now, I've got to get some rest.

------------

Oops. I was so tired I forgot to post this earlier!!

Off to see the wizard....

Or something like that. Actually, I'm off to see the JFK Class of '89 20-year reunion, which has even less chance of providing me with a brain, a heart or courage.

Nothing about this trip is quite working out the way I originally planned it, which is leading to one of my classic little agoraphobia episodes. I don't wanna go! I'll be perfectly happy once I'm there, mind you, but I don't wanna do all the stuff it takes to get there. I want to lay down on the couch and hide with a puppy or three and a book and not move.

But, alas, I now have an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Pisani, on Monday down in Mountain View, so I have to go no matter what. It'll be the first time I've seen him in forever, and now I need that nasty prolapse fixed as soon as possible. It's very likely that I'll be back down there having surgery in the not too distant future. Pooooooooo.

Right now, it's time to go get ready to run errands and get my hair done and eat something and then start sorting clothes and gathering toiletries and accessories and knitting and books and all my wardrobe options for the reunion and and and and and and and

I would like to be taking a nap instead.

Ok Mom...puppy pictures, as requested! Notice how the "puppy" is far larger than Sparky now! She's far taller than either Pea or Sparky now, and outweighs them too.

Peadog loves her hoodie. She's weird.

My biggest question is where the Border Collie

part of her got lost amongst all the Lab genes!!

She's my Labradollie. :-

Checking in...

Howdy world. I'm still out here, still alive, just kind of laying low. There hasn't been a lot to say about me lately. The one and only piece of medical news I have is that my thyroid is whacked out, and we're having to fiddle with the meds to try and get it to behave. All my other recent labs were actually pretty decent, for once.

Otherwise...just laying low. I've had some intense personal stuff to deal with, stuff which has been very upsetting, depressing, scary, frustrating, miserable and just plain sad.

So very, very sad.

Most surprisingly, it's made me realize how much I've come to rely on this blog as a way of working through my feelings, because in this circumstance, I can't use it. The stories, once again, are not mine to tell, and that is surprisingly hard for me to accept.

I have been sworn to secrecy, a manner of coping I strongly disagree with, but the decision is not mine to make either. All I could do was advise, share my experiences, beg, be angry, be sad, beg a tiny bit more, and finally remove myself from the entire situation. I just can't handle being in the middle of something which requires me to lie to everyone I know. That is a miserable place to dwell.

So, I'm still here...depressed & sad, literally sick to my stomach, just kind of hiding out, sleeping too much & eating too little.

I can not and will not lie to all of you, the people who've supported me so much over the last year, so this post is here to tell you all why I've disappeared - at least as much as I'm able. I'm

ok, for the most part, and happy to hear from folks via email, facebook, texts...I'll just be pretty quiet for a while.

Many thanks and big hugs to everyone who's been there for me for so long. I'm sorry to desert you, but hopefully it won't be for too long. I'll pull out my lab results from a couple weeks ago and share all the good news found in them, which is something I meant to do back when I first got them, stuff like that, so at least you'll know I'm alive. :-)

Happy Fall everyone!!

Happy Tuesday

Heidi's wacky calender informs us that it is "Radiant Peace Day." Whatever that means.

I just realized that I actually have a tiny bit of news to report!

We took my beautiful Peadog to the vet yesterday and tormented her with exams and blood draws, but found out that she does NOT have a respiritory infection, which I was afraid of. She actually has allergies, which are easily treated with Benedryl. So now she's just sleepy all the time! Wait - she's a dog - will we actually notice?! ;-) She's also having bloodwork done to find out if there's a problem with her thyroid, but we sure hope there's not.

Otherwise, the big news is that she's fat. Oops. She's gained almost 10 lbs over the past year and now we have to make her lose it all. I haven't got the faintest idea where she got it from, aside from the problems with her shoulder making her less active, but it's got to go. She might feel a whole lot better almost instantly if we get the weight off, so my poor girl is on a diet. I've been informed that she's a senior citizen now and I have to treat her as such, but I'm not pleased about it. She can't possibly be getting old.

As for me, I managed to pop off a crown yesterday, meaning there's an urgent dental appointment in my immediate future. Boooooo hiss!!!

That's about it..........so in my semi-tradition of using absolutely lame things and silliness as filler, I present you with the latest idiotic celebrity baby names - one of my absolute favorite spectator sports. Perhaps you'll be as horrified/entertained as I am.

• Sparrow James Midnight joins big sister Harlow
• Ezekiel Czar joins brother(?) Xen
• Someone had an Ella Betsi, which almost sounds normal, but of course mom & dad had to go for the cutsey spelling.
• Finally, someone named their daughter in honor of both grandmas, combining Nancy and Leigh to come up with Naleigh.

`Did every celebrity out there forget what elementary school was *like* when they condemned their little one to endless teasing and torture on the playground? The only thing saving these kids is that they probably ALL go to the same schools, so everyone there has an idiotic name. I still feel sorry for them.

I think that's all. I hope everyone out there's having a great Tuesday.

Weekend Update, Again

Well, my assessment of last week as a particularly crappy one was correct. It was a very crappy week.

As far as I go, things are pretty much fine. I'm battling some major headaches and other fun medical bits and pieces, but there's nothing that really requires posting about. It's the same old-same old, ya know.

I should have blood work results by the time I see Andy next week, so that will tell me how desperately my body might need blood or something.

The main reason for this post is to let all y'll know that posts might be a little sparse for a while. The reasons for that are to be found in the crappiness of last week, and I have things to cope with and go do, but those stories aren't mine to tell, so you'll just have to excuse me for a bit.

Hopefully, when I have some news to share, it'll be news about getting my nasty prolapse fixed. More surgery. Whee.

Well....stay tuned!

RIP Bogart

Goodbye to Darcy's doggie Bogart. He lived a pretty good, long life, and was around for law school, the fun of the bar exam, the wedding, and two kids.

He was loud, and he snored, and was kind of a pain in the ass a lot of the time, but he was my best friend's best friend and dearly loved.

He will be sorely missed.

In terms of people I care about having painful things happen in their lives, this week is going to go down as a really shitty one. Here's to having it be over, very, very soon!!

Happy Birthday Anna!!!

Oh my. . . my baby girl turns 12 today!!!

As the cliches say, where does the time go?! I'm half shocked every time I look at her and see how tall and gorgeous and grown up she is. And she is - tall, gorgeous, grown up, smart, funny and above all else, confident about all the other things. She stands up straight and smiles and knows she's smart and funny and she's a happy person. It makes me very, very happy. I'm more proud of her than I can express.

Last night, we all went to Chilis for dinner (her choice of birthday meals...go figure.) Tonight, I make her dinner, we do presents, and I made her a cheesecake with chocolate cookie crust and we have strawberry pie filling to go with it. I might not be allllll the way off of sugar today. ;-)

This birthday also marks almost exactly 5 years that I've been part of her life, and we're both pretty proud of that milestone. We'll be having our 6th holiday season as a family; we have traditions for birthdays and holidays that we've built over these years, and it's pretty neat to have those, because it means we've been together as a group long enough to create them.

SO . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ANNA!!!

Penance

Well, now that I've publically confessed my sins, I've gotta make restitution to my body, don't I?

In absolutely random, disjointed, ADD-ish order...

FOOD

To start with, I laid in some supplies of decent snacky food to try and replace the red hots and other little sugar bombs. I'm having to remind my taste buds how much they like apples and carrots and bananas. Even though the apple tastes astonishingly bland and needs cheese to taste like anything, it's still a good start. (seriously bland...like there is no flavor at ALL. Hmm. I may have to have Conner taste test this to see if it's the apple, or if it's me.)

In other food news, I ate a real meal last night! I'd eaten the cereal for breakfast and some other things, so it really added up to about 3 little meals, which is impressive. Right now, I'm eating the apple and cheddar cheese with an English muffin, and I'm making tacos for dinner, so that should be at least 2 meals today. Yay!

One hope for all of this is that if I get my sleep schedule realigned (see below...), then I'll actually be awake and functional to make dinner for everyone. Tonight is taco night! (thanks Mom...the secret taco formula is still going strong!) Everybody loves taco night, including me, so it's almost a guarantee that I'll eat.

SUGAR

Tomorrow though, I have to make the cheesecake for Anna's birthday celebration on Monday, so all bets are off. It's going to involve dismantling many, many Oreos to make the crust, and the odds of me resisting all the leftover centers...................well, it's not pretty. But I will try to be full when I start to make it! The red hots are here...as are the Golden Oreos and other things, but I am going to be strong. I've been fighting to ignore how crappy the sugar has been making me feel, but it would be much nicer just to be feeling good.

CAFFEINE

As for the Dr. Pepper, I'm just going to stop cold turkey on Monday and see if I survive. I've planned it so that I'll still have some left, just in case of emergency. Then again, with this weird overcast weather we're having - HOT, but thunderheads everywhere, like we moved to Houston - I might be in the mood for coffee again.

SLEEP

Lloyd and I tried the sleep-switch, with mixed results. Yesterday, instead of waiting until I was bone-, dead-tired in the afternoon, I woke him up at 9 and went back to bed until about noon. Got up, got dressed, and we went and ran errands. In the early evening, I could have easily gone back down for another nap, but I stayed up till the end of Conan again, and even into Jimmy Fallon a little.

I'm figuring out that I have to figure Conan into things...I didn't really think I'd like his version of the Tonight Show, but I actually like him almost as much as Leno, so he's going to have to be part of my routine somewhere. I sometimes find myself giggling do loud I'm afraid I'm going to wake Lloyd up, and anything that makes me laugh that much is a keeper. Record and watch him at 6:30 in the morning? Ooh, I could record and watch him right after my nap, at noon when that icky Rick Sanchez dude comes on CNN.

But I digress!

The only major drawback with the nap and errands we did yesterday is that we were kind of off-kilter with our eating schedules, where he and I really needed food somewhere around 4pm, which isn't compatible with wanting to eat dinner with the kids again at 6. Going to have to figure out how things like errands are going to work, but meanwhile, I'm going to keep with the 9 am naptime and see how it goes.

SO...........

I think I'm on the right track, don't you?

Now, another player has been introduced to all of this as a possible reason for my lethargy and overall collection of problems - severe anemia. I'm going to have to get my labs done, finish some research and talk with some doctors before I know how much of a factor it is, so I can't elaborate yet. But, stay tuned. If it is a factor in what's going on with me, like what I feel is a pathetically slow recovery, this could be very interesting.

Right now, it's 9:17 and I'm just about dying for sleep, so I'm going to wake up my husband now.

More later....

Confession is good for the soul...right?

Ok, I'm going to 'fess up to all of the very bad things I've been doing lately. I've made a promise to myself to get my shit in gear and try take better care of myself, try to make myself feel better and get out of some very bad habits I've been in lately.

I figure, if I tell all y'all out there what I'm needing/trying to do, then it's public, and (in theory at least) I'll be more motivated to follow through. Right? Especially since I gave Andy the address for the blog...knowing that my doctor can read this now should act as a powerful motivator.

So is my upcoming high school reunion.

Well, and there's always the concept of feeling decent and getting better as a motivator too.

What a revolutionary thought.

So, lots of reasons to NOT eat the palm-full of cinnamon red hots I just put in my mouth...

The plan is to start going cold emu, as I'm calling it, on Monday. Why Monday, you ask? Mainly because I need to gather a few supplies, and I'm not sure if I'll get my ass out to get them today or tomorrow. Saturday and Sunday, the kids are home from school, and I'm really not sure that's the best day to cut out sugar, caffeine, empty carbs and all that fun stuff. Frankly, I don't think that would be very nice of me to them, since I will most likely be home alone with all three on Saturday for a while, and with just Anna on Sunday while Lloyd and the boys go to an air show. I will start over the weekend, but not go fully cold emu until Monday. (Emus are very big birds...much bigger than turkeys. Cold emu/cold turkey - get it?)

By now you may be wondering what the problem is. Basically, I'm in one of my phases I get every so often where I've gotten off track in my diet, exercise and medication supplements. I am taking my meds properly, don't worry - it's just that I'm supposed to also be taking a whole

bunch of supplements to go along with them and help them work, and I haven't been doing it. I've been very bad about that, and a lot of other things...

• I don't eat food. Not real meals anyway. I eat a piece of cheese here, a spoonful of cottage cheese there, a few cheddar-chipotle crackers over there, and some Double-Stuf Golden Oreos over here. And then there's the red hots... On any given day, I might eat one actual meal. Maybe. Now, there's definitely nothing wrong with my snacking on string cheese and fresh, marinated mozzarella balls. They just can't be my whole meal! I know that eating breakfast jump-starts your metabolism, and I should eat at least two more small meals beyond that. At least. I'm eating Special K with soy milk right now. Good me.

• And usually when I do eat pseudo-meals, they're pretty pathetic too. High calorie, high glycemic load, low nutritional value.
• I have been on a complete sugar binge. The aforementioned red hots have been a major player, but lots of their friends from the Penny Candy Store have made their way home with me too. I've discovered that sucking on hard candies actually really helps with the dry-mouth I get from some of my meds and stuff. That's no problem in moderation...see the key word in that sentance? Moderation does not mean constant unconscious consumption while lost in reading a good book. It's HELL on my blood sugar (and I've been getting away with murder in relation to that!) and it actually prevents me from eating food because I'm pretty much always full. I'm down to my last tiny bit of red hots and I won't get any more. I can resist everything else I have very easily, but not those! Monday, no candy at all, no Oreos, nada - gotta get my entire system cleansed off the sugar addiction.
• Caffeine is my friend.....but I have to change my delivery system. I managed to sort of accidentally get hooked back on the infamous Diet Dr. Pepper. Sadly, my favorite drink in the entire universe tends to eat holes in my stomach and give me lovely acid reflux problems. At least for a while, I'm going to cut caffeine out entirely if I can without monster headaches, except for maybe tea. Eventually, I'll go back to coffee to get my caffeine fix. It seems to cause my tummy far less trouble.
• Dogs........Yes, I have a dog problem, because I have some dramatically under-walked dogs. I've got three of the greatest exercise machines ever invented here, and I'm not making use of them! That's not fair to them and not good for me. It's a bit of a juggling act, yes, because I can only walk two of them at a time, but I need to get moving more for all of our sakes. Maybe I need to practice triple walking outside in the court and see if I can do it.

• Exercise in general has been lacking too. I really wanted to get started with yoga classes, and the universe really did not want me to. Every time it was class time,something happened. Every time! I finally gave up and started just practicing at home every day, but my practice time keeps getting smaller and smaller and I'm down to about 5 minutes a day. Not enough!!
• And sleep! Even sleep is a problem! (See how horrible I've been lately?!!!) I get up with Stella at around 6, and usually end up taking a nap in the late afternoon. That used to work - she actually used to get up earlier and I would nap for a shorter time. As time has passed, it's wound up that I'm sleeping from 2 or 3 until 6 or 7 in the evening. Since I'm not getting out of bed until 7 pm, my internal clock is totally screwed up, and my body isn't ready to fall back asleep until the wee hours. The end result is that now I'm sleeping about 8 hours total, in 4 hours shifts. Bad, bad, bad! I don't ever feel rested, I constantly crave sleep, and I could sleep any time I have the chance, except from 10 pm (when we head up to bed) to 1/1:30 am. Why is that?!! It's totally not fair.

SO, I think that explains most of the problem........and is a full public confession of my sins!!

What am I going to do to fix all of these problems?

Stay tuned for my next entry...because to start with, I'm going back to bed. I'll work on the recovery plan when I get up. :-)