Negatory

Let the wild rumpus start!

Well, there probably won't be any rumpus, per se, I am very happy. By now, most everyone in my world knows (via Facebook, text message or late-night phone call) that my Pap test came back completely clean, negative, clear and wonderful.

There is, at this point, no evidence of nasty cancerous cells hanging out down there

where there used to be a cervix. How freakin' cool is that?

I am definitely happy, and very definitely relieved of a small part of my "nagging worry" collection that I carry around with me at all times, but while some intellectual part of my brain says, "Dude, you're supposed to throw a party or something," I can't really wrap myself around the idea and get too excited. I'm just kind of flat.... Lloyd and I were talking about it last night, and figure that maybe that's because I've just got so many other things going on, medically-speaking, that one thing will just keep cancelling another out or something.

Yesterday, before I got the Pap news, I went to see the pulmonologist up in Paradise. Shockingly, he was actually quite NICE and likeable this time, and told me that all scans and x-rays and everything else show that those little "nodules" are still only 5mm and inconclusive.

They could be metastatic cancer, or they could be nothing at all, and unless they grow and move and start showing any sort of behavior at all, we can't know. They're too small to biopsy, and even with a bronchoscopy (which sounds pretty horrible), he says he'd never find them in there because they're so small. He says that he, himself, if he had these things, would not be at all worried about them. So...I'm really NOT. There is still that tiny, nagging worry part of my brain that will always be there, but otherwise, I'm ok.

Now, Monday, I get to go back and see Dr. Davis, the OB/GYN bearer of the good Pap news, for a much less fun reason. It would seem that my vaginal canal (or "vault," as they call it) is prolapsing--trying to turn itself inside out or escape. Basically, all the organs I used to have in my lower abdomen were sort of connected to each other by connective tissue, and helped support each other. I lost some intestine from that area in 1999, then the uterus, tubes and ovaries in March of 2008, and part of the canal, cervix, lymph nodes, and butt-loads of other scar tissue, cysts, and lord knows what else with the cancer surgery. My bladder, the main thing left in there, is probably the culprit, pushing down on the vaginal canal now that nothing else is holding anything else in anywhere, and thus the prolapse.

Lest anyone worry, this is exceptionally common. There are mechanical means of correction for minor ones, and surgical means if it goes too far. In my case, it hasn't gone TOO-too far yet, but... my BCCTP coverage only lasts for another year from Sept 1, so if it looks like it's going to need surgery eventually, I'm going to have to have it before the coverage runs out. Urgh.

SO, we shall see.

I am happy, honest I am, I'm just really tired, I guess. It's very early in the morning, and yet time to get my ass moving to go visit my favorite hairdresser and have this mop on my head FIXED so that I can live with it.

More news when I have some news.

Let the goofing off continue!

Yup, I'm still here. Still alive, and still goofing off. I'm still fighting major aches and pains and medical issues, but otherwise just doing a lot of goofing off and watching recorded tv with my darling husband.

Yesterday, we actually left the house (since it was only 103, instead of 109) and went to the movies. YAY for Harry Potter!! I was exceptionally upset by one deviation from the book, but otherwise, it was a good, fun movie. After five previous movies, my expectations are kind of set for how much they'll manage to work in from the book and how much important stuff will have to be left out, so I was in the right place. Very dark and scary though. Even Lloyd literally jumped out of his seat once! I wouldn't take little kids to see it, but that's just me.

Today is a resting day, since I have doctor's appointments both tomorrow and the next day. Yes, even a simple trip to the movies takes it out of me so severely that I need a resting day.

Tomorrow is Andy for my normal monthly check in and prescription writing; Thursday is the pulmonologist & a chest xray. After that, I should have some juicy medical gossip to tell, like whether or not I have to have a bronchoscopy (I have GOT to look that up...) to sample whatever these things in my lungs are.

And, I do have to talk to my assorted doctors, because I'm really starting to feel like the amount of pain I'm having, and the kind and the location of pain, is more than and/or different from what I should be having this far out from surgery, chemo, etc. I'm really uncomfortable! So, we'll see...

That's about it....so I'll leave you with an interesting view on medical treatment. Um, yeah.....interesting.....courtesy of my favorite newspaper column.

OLD FASHIONED MEDICAL TREATMENT

Here is my suggestion for medical treatment for people who don't have insurance. I'm 80 years old, and most people didn't have insurance when we were raising our children. We went to the county clinic and count hospital as stated, so we need to go back to those arrangements. It was good enough for us. I might add, there is an ethnic group that is putting kids out one after another. I live in one of those apartments. They have a couple of older kids. They came to this country with and then they are having more little ones. That I don't have an answer for. So who's paying for them?

July 21, 2009

Doctor update

Well, we have some minor medical news today.

I went to see Dr. Davis, the gynecologist up in Chico, for an annual exam and Pap smear, even though I don't actually have a cervix anymore. Of course, we're hoping that all the results come back negative. I have to have another one of these in six months, rather than only once a year. That part was a surprise to me!

Aside from the usual exam stuff, Dr. Davis suggested a medication I should talk about with Andy, to take the place of one of the ones I'm already on; set me up with a refill on my estrogen pills; added on an estrogen cream; prescribed some Silvadene cream for some skin problems I'm having, and generally got an idea of where I was at this point in my recovery.

From the Pap & internal exam and the pelvic he did today, nothing looked or felt out of the ordinary or strange, which is wonderful. No news is definitely good news in this context!

Good visit, great doctor. It's nice that all of my doctors take a very holistic approach to my care, and check me out from all directions - physical, mental, emotional, everything. They're all communicating with each other, so everyone basically has the same info, and I really feel like I'm been watched so closely that if ANYthing goes wrong, one of them will catch it immediately.

So, so far so good. After the doctor's visit, I got to go to Red Lobster and eat crab and be decadent. Then we came home and got assaulted by our dogs. Stella is SO big and SO strong that she can literally knock me down when the puppy enthusiam is at full blast. We gotta work on that.

And now, I'm ready for bed! I can't even tell you how many typos I've made and had to correct while trying to write this silly little entry ......aet;kljhuiswreklh435jsb!!!

G'nite!

Yep, still sick; plus more Small Town Stupidty

Still sick, in fact, even more sick than I was before. When I talked to Lorrie this morning (Andy's wife & nurse practitioner) I actually asked her how we would go about finding out if it was swine flu - told her it was my hypochondriac moment for the day!

She took me seriously though, told me that the powers that be will only test you if they can document that you were exposed to someone with a confirmed case. Now, that seems kind of silly to me in general, but whatever. She said to treat it as if it was - which means, treat it like any big, bad, nasty flu that is making you beyond miserable. Rest, fluids, etc. We all know the drill!

So I am resting, and taking care of myself. That's about all there is to report.

Meanwhile, Small Town Stupidity!

"Newspaper is rolled too tight

It's hard enough to read the newspaper as it is, being as it's so long and narrow. So why is it now being rolled tightly together with a rubber band? That makes it even more impossible and unmanageable." July 20, 2009

"Name street after Jackson

The late, great Michael Jackson deserves far more than just a national holiday in his honor. How does Michael Jackson Street grab you?" July 20, 2009

No news is good news, right?

Well, basically, yeah. We've been doing a whole lotta nothing, since I've been borderline sick (flu-y) on top of my lymphedema CRAP and random cancer-related side effects that alternately hurt like hell and piss me off and also because it's been hotter than hell - literally!!

106 degrees is not weather in which to do anything except stay in the air conditioned house and absolutely revel in the fact that you have air conditioning. Those of you who don't are certainly invited to come visit and revel with us. We have lots of empty beds to offer up right now.

So, since I have nothing to report, I'm going to start something I've thought about doing for a while now. Let me explain...

We live in a small town, in an area with lots of small towns, where our largest city is Chico, a burg of less than 90,000 people (if the internet is to be believed). We've got a good sized CSU (California State University) and I don't know if population figures include the student body or not.

So, anyway, small towns, small town newspapers...

One of my favorite features of our local paper, the Chico Enterprise-Record, is their call-in op-ed feature "Tell It To The E-R." This is apparently a voicemail box, set up to record anonymous comments from readers, which are then printed verbatim in the paper.

The key word in there folks was "verbatim."

When I've got nothing else to write, I'm going to treat you all to some of the um, wisdom, shared by my fellow NorthState residents. Since it's the first time, I'll put up a few. Enjoy...

"Correction for misquote

I called in the other day and left a message and it was misquoted. It was regarding medical marijuana. The active ingredient in marijuana that kills cancer is THC -- that's Tom, Harry, Charlie. Not PAC. Anyway people, Google search that. Even your reporters, Google search that -- and you'd see the benefits." July 15, 2009

(DAMN, if I'd known pot killed cancer, I'd have spent an awful lot of time stoned over the last year!)

"Comcast should be cheaper

Why after first eliminating Hallmark and now channel 17 [local PBS station] has Comcast not lowered the monthly charge?" July 15, 2009

"We have laws for right and wrong

That did it, I'm ready to stab freedom of speech right in the back. Not like the righeous Obama leftists, however. I want to describe 'race' as a competition as in sports or politics, to win. Otherwise, race, racism and racists shall be, from here on out banned, eliminated and never used again.

The rules for this started 2,000 years ago or so and still exist today. It's called 'right' or 'wrong.' Otherwise, you promote and proliferate the words and the actions felt the least in separation.

Laws already exist for right and wrong.

Thank you. Enjoy the weather here this is great. Take care." July 18, 2009

Ahhhhhh..........I love my small-town world. :-)

Day 2.5, and the slide has begun

Yes, this is day 2-1/2 of our month sans children, and our slow slide into debauchery has begun.

Well, maybe not too slow. We dropped the kids off at grandma's house on Monday afternoon, then went to run an errand in Roseville before we went home. By the time we were done, dinner was called for, so we decided to try something new, and headed for the Thunder Valley Casino in Lincoln. Casino buffets are wonderful things, you know. The fact that we got free slot play money by joining the players club was just a bonus. See, you have to join the club before you go to the buffet - you save $5 per person off your dinner if you do, making it only $9.95, which is the deal of the century. Thunder Valley, unlike all the other indian casinos we've been to, is so giant and gorgeous, it looks like you're in Tahoe, and the buffet meets that standard too. I mean, WOW buffet. So, anyway, we were bad, and we didn't get home until almost 11 pm.

Oops.

There was much puppy apologizing to be done.

Last night, we had a proper grownup dinner, all by ourselves and behaved. Tonight, we've started moving into our normal summer routine of sitting around the living room and only bothering to eat when we feel like it, which might mean never, or might mean we eat fast food at the coffee table. Who knows. I should probably consume something vaguely dinner-like.

So, anyway, the kids are safely in New Jersey for their month, and we get to goof off like newlyweds again, aside from all the Social Security paperwork we need to work on. The goal is to get that done as soon as humanly possible, so that we can get to the goofing!

All is well, with us, puppies, kitties, birdies, fishies, and way-far-away kiddies. Thanks for checking. :-)

Down by the river...

Ah, yesterday afternoon was relaxing, sitting on my ass by the side of a river (we changed from lake to river) having nothing at all to do but sit on my ass by the river and watch two little girls make things out of sand and get astoundingly messy and dirty. It was entertaining. I think it would have been just about perfect if my stupid-ass lymphedema hadn't been making my uncomfortable, but such is life.

I'll have to bug Aim to send me some of the pics she took of the messy little girls, especially the one in a princess bathing suit with a very saggy butt. ;-)

No, that wasn't Anna, just in case you were wondering.

So, I learned that the park in Oroville on the Feather River was a very nice place to play in the river, being as where we were was right on a big sandbar, so that the kids could wade out into the river in a really shallow area to play. I also learned that doggies were welcome at that park, and in the river, which is the exciting news of the day!! We'll have to get Stella a 50-ft line so we can take her swimming. Pea and Sparky will come back to us, but she'd be somewhere 3 miles downriver before I blinked.

Anyway... In case I hadn't fully explained, what with my anti-selfishness rant yesterday, the young'uns are heading east for a month starting Tuesday. I just thought I should mention that, since we might take every chance while they're gone to run away and goof off, leading to a dramatic downturn in the number of blog postings. Then again, since my visit with Dr. Mazj, I've got several medical things scheduled during the time they're gone (back to being a professional patient!), so I'll undoubtedly have stuff that needs posting.

But, one way or another, we're determined to enjoy ourselves, even if all we do is clean the

house top to bottom (so that it will STAY that way for a month) and then lapse into a stupor of watching movies together on the couch and eating a lot of Chinese take-out.

Either way - running away or lapsing into a stupor - it'll be a nice little vacation. I'll probably spend a good part of the time worrying that the kids are bored silly, like they were on their last trip back there, but the rest will be nice.

So, be patient with me if I get lazy about updating. If I get something up here once a week, I'm not dead; and the odds are good that I will have very little to report. That would be good, right?

Today and tomorrow are the hard-core packing days, in which we try to cram everything they might need for a month into three suitcases which each weigh less than 50 lbs. Tuesday, we load 'em up and truck down to Sacramento, to Grandma's house, where Mommy will be waiting. At some point after that, Mommy loads 'em up and trucks them down to San Francisco to the airport (no direct flights from Sac to NJ) and takes them back east. Middle of August, the process gets reversed.

So that's the scoop here. I'm exhausted, and I feel exceptionally sick to my stomach, but we're supposed to all go out to a movie this afternoon, followed by dinner in Chico, to celebrate Trevor's birthday, so I suppose I have to get to feeling a lot better very soon. Sadly, if I were to feel too crappy to go, I would be made to feel way, way worse in the form of guilt-trips, so I have to suck it up.

Wednesday I can collapse into a puddle, and Thursday I even get a massage, so the vacation will begin then!

Off to go sneak in some reading before too many other people wake up and I have to become productive. Productive, boo.

Oh, how time flies when you're sleeping too much...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAWN!!

Here's wishing the happiest of days to someone who deserves it most.

You held my virtual

hand through the hardest weeks of my entire life and I'll never forget that.

You deserve the best!

XOXOXO

Sleeping too much, but not sleeping enough...that's pretty much the theme this week! I am SO tired! I don't have any good reason to be so tired, but there you have it. I doze off at the computer, on the couch, hell, even in the bathroom. About the only place I don't doze off is the shower, thank god.

Getting up with Stella in the wee hours might have something to do with it, but I'm not sure. One MIGHT think I'd be used to that by now. But, no, I just keep wanting nothing but sleep when I try to sit and read a book or anything else that doesn't require being on my feet moving. Might not be so bad, but I have a lot of things I want to do, like read books and knit, and things I need to do, and they aren't getting done.

Anyway...Grand Revelation of the Week time: I have decided that the thing I hate most in the entire world right now is selfish people. It used to be that the thing I hated most was bigoted, intolerant people - and I sure as hell still do - but I've decided that being bigoted and intolerant is a type of selfishness, so it all works out.

But anyway, I'm pissed as hell at selfish people. You all know the type - the ones who are pretty well convinced that they are the only beings to inhabit this planet; or at least the only ones worth noticing; so therefore they can do as they please, when they please, and expect us all to just bow to their wishes at all times. If they don't like what you have done, said, written, THOUGHT, well then, you are WRONG, wrong, wrong my friend. Sometimes you will be treated to a very long and detailed explanation of just how you are wrong, with one type of Selfish Little Shit (hereafter known as SLS) or, sometimes you will simply be shown, via words, nasty looks, rolled eyes, or other body language how utterly stupid and wrong you are, and how pathetic it is that you tried.

So, can you tell I've been getting pissed off at some SLSs lately? To be clear, I did mean that in the plural, and no, I am not going to discuss who these SLSs are. We'll let them remain anonymous for now.

I'm just tired, tired, tired of that kind of behavior! I know I'm really far from perfect, and I can be a crabby, short-tempered bitch at times. But, at the same time, I really go out of my way to be a nice person, to be thoughtful and considerate, and to treat people well and fairly. I give gifts, whether for occasions or they are just small tokens for no reason, to be nice. I say please and thank you ALL the time, even when I'm irritated or angry. I feel that is necessary, whether I'm talking to a relative, a clerk at a store, or even "asking" (aka telling) a child to do a chore or task.

I am trying very hard to teach my kids the same principles, because *I* selfishly think they are important. In one case, I think it's working.

Now, don't get me wrong - there are times when selfishness is essential. Sometimes, we need to be very selfish in order to get the time we need to take care of ourselves when we are usually taking care of others, or to learn to say "no" to that one more favor that would put you over the tipping point to insanity. Lots of good reasons, yes, but even in those, polite, proper behavior is mandatory.

The kind of selfishness that is making me so crazy is the kind where the person in question speaks, acts, behaves as if they are either the most important person in the universe; or they are actually the ONLY person in the universe, and therefore their behavior doesn't have any effect on anyone else.

That is what gets me, right there. Your behavior does affect others, like when everyone else is ready, and must wait on you, when dinner is on the table getting cold because you can't be bothered to come down until 10 minutes after you were told, when you criticize someone's way of doing things because your way is the only proper way, when you make significant decisions without consulting anyone else (in cases where others have a definite stake in the outcome), when you make rude comments to or about someone because they have thoughts and opinions you disagree with, and especially, when all of the rules that apply to others DO NOT apply to you - in YOUR head only - because you are YOU! Wow! It must be wonderful to live in THAT fantasy world, huh?

We all know people like this, right? I just finally realized yesterday that they were the cause of a lot of the stress in my life. That is unacceptable!

See, I'm not allowed to have stress. I have enough stress from medical issues that there isn't room in my life for any other kind. Since I don't get a vote on whether or not I have the medical stress, I have to rule out all other kinds.

If only it were really that easy, right? I can say I'm banning all SLSs from my life and mean it, but I can't quite practically 100% do that. I'm going to damned well try, but sometimes there are slight issues there. You all know what I mean. Well, maybe not all, because some of you reading may have recognized yourself in those descriptions up there... I'm not going to say I'm sorry, because I'm not - I fully understand that my rants may lose me some readers here and there!!

Anyway.....rant completed. I'm trying to get back to a nice zen-like place now. It's time for some yoga (puppy-assisted yoga, the best kind), then time to start getting things together to head out to the lake with Aimee & Em. It's shaping up to be a gorgeous day out there, so it should be beautiful lakeside! I need to make friends with someone who owns a boat so I can get out ON the lake someday!

Hope everyone's having a wonderful Saturday!

Happy 7th of July

I hope everyone had a good 4th! I was too busy enjoying myself to blog, so you'll have to forgive me.

And, in the spirit of patriotism, you MUST watch this. You must.

Now....was that not the funniest thing you've seen all day? C'mon, you know it was.

Saw my doctors on Thursday, with all pretty

good results. Dr. Mazj wants me back in with the pulmonologist I saw that one time before, because those little whatever-they-ares in my lungs are still there, as (in his word not mine,) "nodules" and need checking. They haven't grown at all since last visit, and are still too small to biopsy, these being good things, but they are still there and unidentified, so he wants them identified, stat. Ok.

He also sent me for labs, of course, and my hemoglobin is back into the "why aren't you dead yet?" range. Andy was sooooo happy it had gone up to almost normal, and now I slipped back down again. Dr. M also noted that I am quite undernourished.

Grr. I've got to start finding the energy to make myself good healthy food again AND make myself eat it. Daddy brought me some great zucchini when he came up for the 4th, and I've eaten one of those, so that counts as a start, right? It wasn't even deep-fried! I am going to go to Safeway today and raid the produce section, I swear, and then I swear I'll eat some of it, even if it's 3 bites a day. That would be 3 bites more than now, right?

Daddy and I were talking food, as we often do, and in discussing the wonders of Trader Joes, I had the grand realization that if I went to TJs on a regular basis, I would undoubtedly eat better, and eat more. TJs has all these wonderful, delectable things, which are organic and whole grain and Omega-3'd and antioxidanted and all sorts of wonderful things like that, and as a killer bonus, are made in little me-sized portions, are cheap, and taste great. Amazing, huh?

(And I'm finding myself wishing more and more that Daddy lived in Gridley, so he could come over and we could talk and have dinner and go do stuff to goof off. Sigh.)

So, I'm thinking I need to get back to a project I started long ago (among many) and make a list of food things that I love but always forget about. Like hummus, for example, or chicken salad, or Waldorf salad, or couscous, fresh fruit or heirloom tomatoes with bleu cheese dressing! Then I need to make an attempt to eat these things once in a while. If I can just make my life-schedule work itself out so that I actually start going to yoga class, yoga is almost right across the street from the shopping center where TJs is - a part of Chico I very rarely go to otherwise. Now, if that ain't a sign - yoga and TJs being near each other - then I don't know what is. Ok.

Moving on... Let's see, hemoglobin bad, things in lungs unidentified, protein and nutrient levels bad, lymphedema bad (but he's going to call the therapist for me and see if he can find out what's up with the torture garment thingy), and I think that's about it from Dr. Mazj.

Next, I went downstairs and saw Dr. Whalen in radiation. Of the many docs I've seen down there, I really like Dr. Whalen. He's nice, he's straight to the point, and he's the doc who took it upon himself to do a bunch of research and consult with Drs. Pisani & Mazj to determine that I did NOT need the internal radiation and that it would probably do more harm than good. That really makes him a good guy in my book! He did some very uncomfortable exams - I'll spare all y'all the details - and discovered that I had a yeast infection without even knowing it. Amazing, because normally I KNOW, but I guess this one is different and stealthy. Could explain some random symptoms and the absolute exhaustion I'm having lately, if there's been an infection of any kind festering in my body and draining resources...and man oh man have I been exhausted and sleeping most of the day for the last couple. So anyway, Diflucan is our friend. I took it yesterday, and hopefully the little yeastiebeasties will already be on the run.

I think that's about it medically... Well, for me at least. Someone else in this house is having major surgery tomorrow - my beautiful baby puppy! Yup, it's time. She's going in to get spayed, which is a good thing over all, but made even better by the fact that Dr. Brenda is going to pull all her remaining puppy teeth while she's under. This is significant! The poor baby has gums that are swollen to all hell and must hurt like nothin' doin', because if you look carefully, you can see the baby tooth and the erupting adult tooth crammed into the same socket. Ow! That's gotta be miserable. She's definitely acting miserable in the form of crabby and getting in trouble. The dog who never gets into things has been stealing random possessions, including my little stuffed elephant Spot, which could have been a tragedy!!! Normally, she'll make off with something random maybe once every week or two. Yesterday, it was maybe 8 things spread throughout the day.

I keep trying to give her teethers - rubber toys kept in the fridge, scraps of washcloth that were wet and then frozen hard, normal toys, nylabones - to keep her busy. They all end up covered in blood, which is very disconcerting, but when I check, it's just normal loose tooth bleeding. This morning, she's been crying non-stop, which of course kills me. I finally gave in and gave her a rawhide, even though I know she'll bleed like crazy, but it keeps her busy, happy and not crying, and those are things to strive for!! I just have to remember to have the vet save me her baby teeth, because I'm weird like that.

When we take her in, Mr. Sparkydog is going along for the ride, so that he can get microchipped

while we're there. They do that on a walk-in basis, which makes it really convenient. Pea got hers when she was in for xrays, and Stella was done with her first puppy shots. Now all the babies will be chipped, and their fretful Mommy will be happy.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we're trying to get the kids ready to head back east with Mommy for a month. They used to go back for the entire summer; last year they didn't go at all; this year we're trying a month.

I'm going to lovelovelovelovelove the quiet and time alone with my darling husband, but I'm also going to go nuts with them gone. I worry nonstop that they'll be unhappy and bored like they were the last summer they went.

Some of you might recall that the last time they went, the summer we moved, she almost brought them home a month early because she and her SO were fighting so much; topi

c of the fights: her never being home or spending any time with the kids, who were then stuck in the condo with him as de facto babysitter for the whole summer. So the atmosphere at that time wasn't great, and the kids were bored out of their skulls on top of that, so therefore I was miserable. I'm praying it goes better this year, for the munchkins' sake. I can't enjoy my time alone with my DH if my little girl is calling me crying.

But anyway, getting them ready to go takes a lot of work! Sorting all their clothes to see what fits, buying more clothes, figuring out what "stuff" they can take to keep themselves busy, etc. All the new airline baggage rules should make this REALLY interesting, what with the charges and weight limits and fees, oh my.

I really wish to god Trevor could take his guitar back with him, but I just can't see it. It would be an immense pain in the ass with infinite potential for damage, but I still wish. He is SO good now, and loves it so much, I hate to see him lose all that playing time. Ah well.

I think that is about all that is new and noteworthy. The only other thing I have to mention is

that I've discovered some new blogs worth checking out, if you're of a mind to do such things.

I'm hooked on the sheer glee that is Cake Wrecks - so now Jen has gotten herself nominated in

the "Funniest" category of some major blog awards. Checking out the competition, I've found some other wonderful silliness to read.

The awards site is here http://www.socialluxelounge.com/blogluxe/ if you want to check out some of the finalists. (Sadly, voting is closed) So far, I've found Twitarded, Meanest Mom and Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper to be bleh so far. However, Bye Bye, Pie! is thus far hilarious, and Barefoot Foodie is

showing strong potential.

Well, and of course, if you're not peeking at Cake Wrecks (www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com) on a daily basis for some serious giggles, you are a total loser anyway. ;-) I mean, how can you NOT read a blog in which yesterday's feature was wedding cakes shaped like tree stumps? C'mon people! Well, I get a lot of serious giggling done, anyway.

(Scary stump cake picture is copyright Cake Wrecks & Jen Yates, I just wanted to show y'all!)

The scary sasquatch and well, I don't know what the hell it is cake pictures are mine, taken at my local MegaLoMart.

The agenda for today is to take the little one to get her hair done - a nice trim to even up her split ends and let those glorious curls hang evenly - and to Safeway, to raid the produce department. I've also got to start working on some pulled pork for sandwiches to use up our stash of both pork and hamburger buns before they all leave. I've got to do a freezer inventory for just that reason. Giant sized packages of anything aren't useful when it's just the two of us, and I hardly eat!

But I think that's about it for now. I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but I can always add it later. Happy Tuesday everyone!! (I'm eating a peach...be impressed!)

Happy July!I

Ah, a new month.....but today feels like a blast from the past.

I'm to be up at the cancer center before 1, go have blood drawn for labs, and then see Dr. Mazj at 1:30 and the radiation oncologist (I never know which one!) after that. Sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it?

Yep, I'm dreading it.

Not because it will really be horrible or something, but just because I have to go do it.

At least I get to go buy fireworks beforehand. That is the fun part of the day. I'm lucky enough to live in one of two cities in Butte County that still allow them, so we're taking advantage. It's Trevor's birthday on the 5th, so that's another excuse to light up the night on the 4th. At least that's what we tell ourselves. Daddy's coming up to play pyro with us this year, so that makes it even more fun!

Otherwise, there's not a hell of a lot going on besides birthday preparation. We don't have gifts to buy - we're taking him to Guitar Center with a virtual gift certificate to spend early next week - but I have to make a mud pie for his cake. Not hard, just time consuming, it seems. I've never made one, but it seems pretty simple.

In other news, I went and saw Andy this week, and my labs came back mostly encouraging. I'm still "not nourished," in his words, but my hemoglobin numbers are up to a place that approaches the bottom of the normal scale, and my A1C diabetes score is 5.5, which is friggin' great - you're supposed to aim for a score under 7. The only major negative was my vitamin B12, so it's finally [sigh] time for me to do the injections, which means I have a kit to pick up at Longs full of syringes and goodies. Wheee. Not.

Meanwhile, I'm still crankin' away on the paperwork pile. It's reaching the home stretch, so that's encouraging. I know it's the first of many, but I think this set is the longest and ugliest to get through.

I think that's about it, but I wanted to give y'all a quick update. I'll have another one of some sort after I see the two oncologists today, so I'll probably post when I get home, whenever that may be. I never know when I go see them!

Stay tuned...

On one hand...or maybe on one foot...

So, as I was working on my lovely disability forms today, a scenario was going through my head.

It's relatively common to open your happy People magazine one day and find an article about a person born with only one limb; or perhaps disfigured in an terrible car accident, who has learned to live with their disability to a point where they've adapted the remaining limb to serve them for everything they need. They can bathe and dress themselves; use the toilet, brush their hair, cook some food, and generally take care of business.

Then, it's inevitable that they've also learned to use that one foot they have to paint masterpieces or play their sonatas on the piano. I don't know--something extraordinary that gets them an article in People magazine and piles of money for their talent.

What the articles don't tell you is that the disabled person HAS to learn to carve castles out of soapstone with his toes to survive because he can't get social security disability.

These forms are bordering on insulting. Can I bathe myself? Yes. Comb my hair? Check. Use the toilet by myself? Hell yes.

Well, odds are that by being able to do all of those things for myself, I'll be SOL on disability. (that's Shit Outta Luck, in case you were wondering) They don't ask if I've learned to get my hair cut in specific ways that are easy for me to blow-dry and style. There's nowhere to mark that I have a big handle in my shower so I can hold on when I lean backwards to wash my hair under the spray. I can even prepare food for myself every day--and sometimes for the kids--but there's a big difference between Pasta Roni with baked chicken, and cutting and chopping veggies for the Asian stir-fry dish that I need to work, hands-on, for the entire cooking time, with homemade pot stickers and dry fried fresh string beans.

Nowhere in the forms are there places to make these distinctions. What if I disclosed honestly on the forms that I went on vacation to Disneyland? Are they going to ask me if I walked or if I was pushed in a wheelchair the whole time, or are they going to immediately assume I must be full of crap when I think I'm disabled?

It's a hell of a strange change in mindset to fill these boogers out. You have to toss all dignity out the window, because you are going to have a natural inclination to try to present yourself in the absolute best light--like writing a resume or something, you're trying to inflate or emphasize how "good" you are, when on these forms, the object is to honestly present how crappy you're really doing, without sounding like you're playing the Dying Swan and whining incessantly.

::sigh::

The latest lymphedema swelling is going down. My hands and fingers are still really seriously shitty, but sometimes I force them to cooperate to do things like type this. They're numb now though, so I should stop. I spent my entire day surfing the Cake Wrecks blog, which provides the maximum giggle factor for my efforts.

And off to bed for me and my numb fingers and droopy eyelids.

The experiment...

Well, let's see...the first five words seem to have gone ok. So did the next nine. Ok.

So what are we testing? I'm learning to type without actually having hands & fingers that really work and have sensation in them.

The good news is that apparently, I CAN type, albeit slowly and with an astronomical error rate, far above my norm. But the fact that I can at all is very good news. The bad news is, well, all of the above.

I don't have the foggiest idea what's going on with my body this time. Normal activities like using silverware, typing or writing, like, say, filling in a zillion Social Security forms seem to have turned my hands and fingers totally ... weird. They feel swollen, but they aren't. They feel heavier and denser than they really are, as if I can't bend them, even though I can, I just can't really feel that I can. They tingle sometimes and feel dead on the surface other times. There is deep, throbbing, dull shooting pain going up my arms to the elbow and sometimes my shoulders.

It's exceptionally hard to explain! (and I'm the one who's feeling it...) It's totally bizarre! Oh, now my hands shake when I try to hold them still. Cool!

Maybe I'll have to keep that appointment with the neurologist in August afterall, won't I? I was planning to cancel it, because if he's anything personality-wise like his office staff, then I hate him already. We shall see.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I can't knit, obviously, and I can't do anything else crafty-like. Typing is...interesting...and it'll be very interesting to see what effect all this typing has on me an hour or a day after I'm done.

So, that was the experiment, to see what my fingers and hands were capable of; and to see if I can do the mental part of the typing, making the fingers go to the right key.

But now I'm seeing part of Farrah's documentary, kind of by accident, so that's completely taken all my attention. It's near impossible for me to watch and it's totally impossible for me to look away...

Heigh ho...

Heigh ho, heigh ho, It's off to "work" I'm supposed to go....

But I don't wanna, and that doesn't rhyme. Oh well.

Yes boys and girls, the first wave of big thick envelopes bearing big thick sheaves of paper has arrived from Social Security. These lovelies are packets of forms, which must be filled out mostly by me, and a little bit by Lloyd, to start the process on my disability claim.

My sewing machine is calling me, as are a couple of knitting projects, but I can't go goof off and play with them, because these lovely forms have deadlines attached to them, so I have to get busy.

There are just not enough hours in the day, and for some reason, I am highly distractable. I get up at 5 am or so, and don't go to sleep until midnight or even a little later, and my day is generally full, full, full, even when I don't waste two or three hours of it on a nap. I can't figure this out. It's like magic to me. It took me an hour to read less than 10 pages of a book last night because I was so distracted by tv, talking, dogs, getting up to do things, you name it. Bizarre!

So, in the last few days, I've spent lots of time in bed, and you'd think I would have managed to at least get some reading or knitting time in there, but no, I kept getting distracted even when I was supposed to be resting.

Supposed to be resting because of a) a major, massive event of a migraine, b) one of those fun bouts of diarrhea that like to appear out of nowhere and tie me to my bathroom door and c) now a UTI which ensures that I listen to b and stay near the bathroom.

Luckily, in this house, as long as I don't go outside, I'm always pretty damned close to my bathroom.

Now thanks to reading Tif's blog, I want to sew and play with quilts, and I want to knit. The knitting is probably out of play, because my fingers are playing games with me again and going back and forth on whether or not they're going to work or just go to sleep and check out on me. That makes knitting either exceptionally difficult ot excruciatingly painful, take your pick. Sewing, I'm thinking, might work better, just because of the difference in type of motor-movement--while knitting is more fine finger movement, working the sewing machine would probably be much more gross movement, if that makes sense. Oh, and I want to learn to crochet, at least a little, and I want to work on training with my incredibly brilliant puppy (more on her in a minute), and I want to start a new book, and I have magazines to catch up on, and yoga to do, a book or two to write, and, and, and.......

BUT, no, I can't go play with fabric or yarn or any other goofing-off-ness, because I really have to work on these forms, and I have company coming tomorrow (?) to spend the weekend and I haven't cleaned a thing! Ack! Now that I think of it, I haven't made the children clean anything either, and that's highly problematic. Hrm... I guess I have more to get in gear than I thought I did!!

Grrrr................................it doesn't help one bit that I'm sick through all of this. Not at all.

But anyway.

I got our circus tickets for August--YAY! Everyone is very excited. Just thought I'd share that.

But anyway. ;-)

My puppy is brilliant!! In only two days of totally half-hearted occasional training efforts, Stella knows "shake." She's still a tiny bit hesitant sometimes, but mostly as soon as she hears the command, she flops that giant paw into your hand and goes for the treat. She is a smart girl! Anything for food! Now we just have to work on slightly more useful commands, like "come" and "stay" and "do not use the potatoes for teething toys." We will have to get to those. We started puppy class on Saturday, and we go back for the next 5 weeks. That's "puppy" class--after that, we can take the basic class, tricks, and something about being a canine good citizen. I like the sound of that one.

We were saying last night that despite her minor little lapses in judgement, we have really been lucky as hell with Stella. She's smart, she's trainable, and she generally stays out of trouble. Shredding a potato or two here and there is pretty minor--and as the former owner of Dillon the Dipshit, who ate shoes, cell phones, furniture, drywall, etc, I can attest to her outstanding behavior thus far. I remember how much chaos he caused by the time he was this age! She still makes me crazy sometimes, but I do appreciate what a good, good puppy she really is. We got lucky.

So, as I check out the status is: Waiting for call-backs from a doctor and a lawyer; finished with breakfast and necessary caffeination; sick with UTI & intestinal hell; house to clean; paperwork to do; dog to train; husband & boys heading off to Kaiser (which = QUIET for at least 3-4 hours!); and blog finished.

Yay.

Trains and taffy galore!

So, I spent my day in Old Town Sacramento, with Lloyd, all three kids, Dad and Chris. The seven of us wandered around the train museum at our own relative paces, bumping into each other randomly. Well, actually only Anna & I (we stayed together, big shock), Chris and Dad (wandering on their own) bumped into each other. Lloyd and the two boys were intently reading every word of every plaque and every piece of paper in the entire place. That's ok...that's why we took 'em!

When "we" had enough trains for one day, we headed out to start wandering, and Lloyd and the boys met up with us when they'd seen the whole museum. Chris took a billion pictures that I can't wait to see. Hopefully he'll share some good scans when he develops his film.

All in all, a nice time, a great Father's Day outing for all--especially because the boys got to spend time with Dad doing a Father's Day kind of thing (and Anna was cool with hanging with me), AND I got to spend time with MY Daddy and my brother in honor of Father's Day. I think meeting in Sac worked out well for everyone too, not too much driving for anyone.

And, I learned some things that were interesting and/or neat. I learned how big train engines really are, which was actually kind of disturbing. Some of the wheels are well taller than I am, but the height of the actual trains was *really* kind of scary.

I learned how precise and correct Laura Ingalls Wilder was in her writing and descriptions of things, because there was a train car which matched her description of her first railroad trip in precise, meticulous detail.

I learned that there were actually TWO golden spikes cast for the connecting of the transcontinental railroad, one of which was quietly held by a private family for all these years,

before becoming public knowledge in 2005. The "Lost Spike" is now on permanent display at the museum. You

can see for yourself if you don't believe it--http://www.railtown1897.org/doc.asp?id=469 There really were two of them, and I've seen one. It is very, very sparkly gold!!

I also learned of the existance of something called "railroad china." Apparently, different railroads had special china patterns, some of the big

railroad barons had their own patterns, unique patterns were created for special situations, etc. Some of the patterns were insanely gorgeous.

One is a California Poppy pattern that is now being reproduced. You can buy it through the museum to use in your own house; or, you can buy shards of broken original china which have been made into pieces of jewelry. Just gorgeous stuff!

I also learned that approximately every 7th store in Old Town is a candy store, where you can buy salt water taffy up the wazoo. We now own an insane amount of taffy. That's entirely my fault. I also bought the children chocolate-dipped Twinkies on a stick for their dessert.

Ah yes, lunch at Fat City--very yum! We got incredibly lucky with our lunch seating. They gave us our own little leaded-glass-walled room, with stained glass accents and lamps and an antique sideboard, and something gorgeous that Lloyd guesses is a serving table kind of thing. I can't even describe it, but if Daddy emails me some pictures he took of it, I'll share and maybe one of you can tell me what it is for sure.

So, we wandered around Old Town for a while longer after lunch, checked out a bunch of random stores and discovered how many candy stores there were. Anna and I bought strange socks at a store full of strange socks. And then we went home, because we'd all had just about enough trains, salt water taffy and walking, and because rush hour traffic was creeping closer and closer.

That's about it for our grand excursion, but hell, at least we got out of the house! Tomorrow, I'm off to see Andy, not for my usual monthly appointment, but for a paperwork meeting for disability. That should be totally miserable, save for the fact that it's Andy, and I don't think that there's any way time with him *could* be TOTALLY miserable.

See Mom? I updated..........

I gotta get back to doing this daily...

Ack! I did it again! This time I managed to go more than a week without posting. I don't know how I manage this.

Ah well... anyway.... updates....

Last I posted, I think Lloyd had just left for Virginia, and I was trying not to be a blubbery wreck.

Lloyd had a great trip, just like I hoped he would. Lori is, of course, the ultimate hostess, with a housefull of relatives for Allie's graduation, and still managed to make sure her Dad was occupied, going places, and having fun the whole time. The girls helped too, fussing over grandpa and making sure he was taken care of all the time. Andy's parents were there too, so Lloyd and Jim (Andy's Dad) spent lots of time bullshitting and bonding. Between that, seeing the girls, and all the sightseeing Lori packed into the days, he was in 7th heaven. Just having a break from taking care of me is a huge deal in itself, but she made it a kick-ass vacation for him. Thank you Lori!!! You and your girls are the absolute greatest. He really needed that.

I managed to run the entire household, kids, pets and even a sleepover while he was gone, just like I told him I would. I'm not sure I've spent as much time awake as asleep since he got home, but that's another story. The point is, I was perfectly capable of handling life, just like I said I would be. The kids and I did just fine, and even though I was pretty worn out taking care of the dogs, I really enjoyed the alone-time part of the time. But only part....the rest of the time I was bored off my skull without having Lloyd around to talk to! I always talk to the pets, but while he was gone I was having full-on deep conversations with them. But we did fine.

I was just really glad to have him home!!

And speaking of home, my big boy kitty came home yesterday. That's him, in that nice cedar box there. It's quite a nice little box, with a little padlock. Inside the box, his ashes are in a plastic bag, and I've added to that the little baggie with his fur in it (the fur they shaved off for his IV) and his collar & tags. It feels complete now that he's home. Weird but right.

Meanwhile, the other pets are doing well. Emma, strangely, seems to be coping with Oz's loss by actually coming out of her shell more and more. She comes out from behind the couch every night now, jumps up where I'm sitting, and begs for petting and attention. It's amazing. She wants so much attention she almost gets irritating! But, you can't ignore her when she actually wants human contact.

Stella is growing like that proverbial weed. We're going to puppy class today, and I bet she'll be at the head of the class. Her and Sparky are absolute BFFs now, and I think she's the best thing that ever happened to him. He actually PLAYS now, and not just the "throw my damned toy already" game he was so obsessed with. The two of them wrestle and run, and play with toys together, while Pea plays referee/mom over the proceedings. Sparky is noticably more energetic and upbeat now that he's playing with Stella so much and I think it's great for everyone involved, except perhaps my furniture.

Stella is also too damned smart for my own good. Yep, I was warned that Border Collies are smarter than I am and will outthink me at every opportunity, and all those warnings were dead right. She's too much fun though, and training her is a blast, because she actually understands what we're saying. I'm 100% sure that she speaks English fluently.

What else......well, we're taking a family outing on Monday for Father's Day, heading down to Sac to ride on a steam train and check out the railroad museum in Old Town. Daddy's going to meet us there, so we'll be a nice big group. He's coming up for the 4th to play with fire too, which will also be lots of fun.

We've got to come up with a few more group activities before mid July, because that's when the kids leave. They are going back east this year, but only for a month. We want to find a few more things to get out and go do before they leave, because once they get home, we won't have much time before school starts.

We did get our circus tickets yesterday though! Everyone had SO much fun at Ringling Bros. last year, we're making it an annual event. Both boys, but especially Conner, were verrrrry cynical going in, thinking it was going to be a really lame, little kid-ish thing with lots of dancing clowns honking horns or something. They were both, but especially Conner, BLOWN AWAY with what it was really like, with the lights, sound, rigging, theatrics, acrobatics and everything else. Now they're really excited to be going again.

On the medical front, which is technically why we're here, there's not a ton to report, but it is significant. The lymphedema is waxing and waning lately, which concerns me. It never seems to go away ALL the way, so it's always in some phase of coming or going. I have to to Dr. Mazj about that when I see him. I see him in a couple of weeks.

He sent me for a pre-visit CT scan this week, and that gives me tons of anxiety now. The last one was where they found the weird "ground glass opacity" in my lung, which no one has any clue about. It's not cancer, but no one really knows what it is. I saw the pulmonologist once, and he was a total jerk. He sent me for bloodwork, and I never heard anything back with the results of the bloodwork. That was right at the time I had my complete breakdown and refused to go see any doctors for a while though, so it's undoubtedly partly my fault. I'll go 50/50 with him on that one. Yeah, I should have tried to go back and see him, even if he is a jerk, but he also should have at least called and told me what came of the 6 tubes of blood I parted with.

My daily overall "how I'm feeling" is still really variable, but I can't say I'm doing too bad. I have good days and bad days and really bad days, just like before, but the good days are becoming more common. I still pop up with strange and random symptoms that I don't understand, almost always on a Friday night, of course. Last night, I noticed some strange vaginal discharge and associated pain, but of course it's not severe enough to worry about at the ER level, so I have to wait until Monday when there are doctors available normally.

Overall, I do pretty good, but there's always something, you know?

That seems to be about it, at least as far as I can think of. It's about time for me to go get showered and ready for puppy school. I've got to get all kinds of puppy training gear together, since I don't know if the trainer wants check collars or pinch collars or long leads or retractable leads or what. I've never taken a dog to professional training classes before, so it's a wholen new world for me, but as I've said, this dog is too good to waste. She's too smart and good tempered and everything else to let her grow up as an untrained wild thing who gets banished outside or something. Nuh -uh!!

So, off we go.

Hopefully, for less than a week this time! :-)

A chapter closed

Well, I did it. I stayed strong enough to stay in the room and hold my baby till the end. It was the hardest, painful, heartbreaking, most anxiety-provoking thing I have ever done in my life. Nothing else even rates high enough to matter.

What was amazing is how it went from "not time" to "it's time" in what seems like an instant. We were all shocked that he did so well for so long, but in an instant, he was a changed animal. Fine one day, and the next, a shadow. I was afraid I wouldn't know for sure that it was time, or would doubt my decision and second-guess myself, but there is no chance of that now. He told me, in no uncertain terms.

Most of the rest of yesterday is a complete blur that involved a lot of sleeping.

This morning, Lloyd left for Virginia to go to Allie's graduation and hang out with Lori and her family for a few days. He desperately needs the break. He's been taking care of me non-stop for a year now, and he really needs some time on his own, in another place, where he can relax and be a dad and grandpa instead of a caregiver. I admit, I'm going to be exhausted beyond all rational belief by the time he gets back, but it's worth it for him to get that break. I wish he could have a lot more breaks.

Obviously, lots has gone on since I last really updated things, and I've lagged, sorry. Trevor's 8th grade graduation went well...sorta... Thanks to some MASSIVE lightning and thunder storms the night before, the entire event had to be moved indoors at the last second. The event planner in me just shudders at the thought of what they had to go through to make this happen, but I don't think it was any fun for the graduates or the audience either. Hot gym-like building, rickety, evil bleachers, bad sightlines.... But at least Trevor got all his full honors, gave the best speech of the night, and is now officially set forth unto the world as a high schooler. Lord help us.

During all of this, I was unfortunately fighting another massive lymphedema attack. Before I got cancer, I'd never even heard of this stuff, and now--it is one of the most feared things in my life. My ankles gained an inch; my calves two inches this last time. I was carrying more than 12-14 lbs of fluid weight from the tissue congestion. HELL!

And even after it's gone, it's not. The places that were swollen are now exceptionally painful and sensitive and you dread accidentally touching them. Urgh!

So, gee, other than those things, there hasn't been a whole lot going on around here. Ha ha, right? I'm already tired, and it's time to go make dinner for the wet wolf pack (they were playing in the kiddie pool with Anna) and then make dinner for the hopefully dry child pack.

Quick note!

Yup, somehow I let a week go by again.  Oops.

I'm still out here, and of course a lot has happened, and I'm working on writing a blog post explaining all of it, but right now, I just have one piece of news: Oz.

This morning, the universe told me it was time, so tomorrow at 10:45 we have an appointment at the vet.  He's declined even more, and faster since this morning, so I KNOW know that it is the right decision at the right time, which helps met at least.  The kids have had their time to say goodbye, and I'll get mine.  How here's hoping I can stay as strong as I want go.

That's all for now. Everything else can wait.

The evil stepmother rides again!

Well, as I predicted a while back, the blog is pretty blah these days, because I don't have any dramatic new medical weirdness to report.  That in itself is wonderful; lord knows I don't need any more medical weirdness; but it doesn't make for very interesting reading.

So, where are we these days?  We're in almost the exact middle of the busiest three weeks of my entire year, and as it would happen, ALSO in the exact middle of my dental marathon.

School's out next week, which means that school time is mainly cleaning up and goofing off.  That's all fine and dandy, but when you've got an 8th grader who's graduating, you've also got about a million activities tied into it all to keep you busy.  Dances, trips, graduation practice, awards assemblies, you name it, all leading up to the actual graduation.

Take all of that, and mix in voting, vet appointments, guests, tub repair dude, science projects, doctor's appointments, visiting grandma, yoga and my dental marathon, add water and stir.  Sounds like fun, huh?

Next year, thank the gods, we have NO one graduating from anything.  They'll be finishing up 7th, 9th and 10th, so we get a break before we then have several years of people graduating again.

Trevor will, of course, be a valedictorian, just like Conner was before him.  Unlike Conner before him though, I really don't feel that Trevor should be.  That's a pretty bold, controversial statement for me to make, but this is *MY* blog, and therefore is entirely my opinions, take 'em or leave 'em.

While Trevor will be graduating with the proper GPA to earn valedictory status, I personally don't think that GPA alone should be the deciding factor.  I think that the valedictorian(s) should be someone who represents the best of the class in all ways--and that is why they are chosen to get up and speak for the entire graduating class at the ceremonies.  That person or persons should have the moral character to represent their class and have earned their GPA the right way.  I guess that's the best I can do of explaining it abstractly...

But to put it another way, I don't think that someone who hit another student in class and was suspended for a day and received 20 demerits but worked off 10 of them working after school and then later got an F at the quarter in reading for not turning in a single book report all quarter because he was too addicted to his computer games to bother doing his homework but then made up all the missed work and was given *full credit* for it really DESERVES that honor above and alongside people who have honestly worked for it.

I just don't, and if you don't agree with me, that's your prerogative, but like I said, it's my blog.

Needless to say, my very strong feelings in that area make this graduation much less of a proud moment than it should be, and the actions of others make it far less of a happy one than it should be.  Frankly, I'd rather skip the whole damned thing, since it's turned into one of those things where I'm reminded quite clearly that I am merely the stepmother, here to do a job, required to prep for and show up at the graduation, but given no part of it to enjoy.  

Specifically, the shirt that I picked out for Trevor to wear, a nice looking cream colored, non-geeky, cream-on-cream embroidered with Hawaiian motifs, cool, flowing shirt, was deemed unacceptable by his grandmother, and she replaced it with a long-sleeved ugly-ass thing that

 he's going to roast in during the 90-degree + ceremony and dance afterwards.  

But, because SHE is his grandmother, he IS to wear the shirt she bought him and the tie sent by his mother.  I am merely the stepmother, and my contributions and opinions and efforts to do something nice for him are entirely worthless.  I can't wait to see what kind of crap they pull when it's Anna's turn.

Then again, they probably won't do anything--It's worth mentioning that beloved Mommy and Grandma felt no need to do anything of the sort for Conner's graduation last year.  Trevor is almost always the only one who gets special treatments.

And it's worth mentioning again that while I VERY rarely vent about family issues, and almost never talk about the kids' disciplinary problems, this IS my blog, and if you don't like what you're reading, don't read it.  I'm kind of disgusted about this stuff right now, in case you can't tell.

And, it's about time to get ready to head out to today's dental torture session.  I'm never quite sure what they're going to be doing to me each day.  I just show up and sit down and hope for

lots of novocaine.  Yesterday was pretty intensely painful and miserable but that's ok.  I'll put up with anything to get this stuff done!!  

Thank god for yoga tomorrow.  That is my only real obligation for the day, thank god.  I'm doing another private lesson with Lisa to get me back into the space and ready to go to regular 

classes starting next week.  I think that will be a huge help mentally and physically.  The weekend is pretty well empty, and I'm thinking of spending it in bed.  We'll see.  Off to try and tackle the world...even if all I can do is try!

Stella, it is MUCH too early to be up!!

5:41 is not an hour seen by normal people.  I don't even think the early birds have left their nests yet.  Oh, but STELLA...........my darling puppy-girl is racing in circles around the dining room table with her "Wiggly Giggly" ball and trying to fit in crawl spaces that she USED to fit in.  You've grown baby dog!

Meanwhile...Mommy fell asleep over the computer in her rocking chair.  Stella decided that would be a fine time to start eating the kitty's scratcher.  Oliver will be devastated and traumatized if I don't find another one, like, immediately.

I've been wondering the last few days, based on Miss Puppy's behavior, if it was time to start worrying about teething......I'm guessing that it is!

Thank GOD puppy training classes start today.  Muhahahahahaha!!!!  Stella has yet to fully learn that Mommy ALWAYS wins in the long run.

Off to mainline some caffeine and do some picking up around here so I stay conscious.                                          

Reality B I T E S

I wasn't really thinking about cancer today.  I was thinking about puppies and yarn and dentist visits, but cancer decided to rear its ugly-ass head anyway.

When I was very first getting started at the cancer center, with the radiation and chemo, I met a very sweet lady named Eloise.  She was the first other patient to approach me and talk to me and give me advice.  She was just so sweet, always happy, outgoing, bubbly, laughing.  We swapped hats, talked a lot, and gave lots of hugs.  I didn't really know her at all, except from the cancer center, in passing, but she always gave me a hug.

Well, I sort of accidentally read the obits for maybe the first time since we've lived up here, since logically enough, we don't really know anyone who might be in there, and found out that Eloise died.

Reality check.  Reality bites.  

Part of me is sad and depressed, but part of me also knows that at least in public, Eloise never was either one of those things.  And that, my friends, is fucking amazing.

Here's to Eloise.  Hugs all around.