My Summer Vacation, Part 1: Thank Yous & Credits

Since I am so far behind in my postings, I figure I might as well start with the important thing - thanking all the people who made my first trip "home" in way too many years such a fantastic time.

First, of course, to Auntie Cheryl & Auntie Kathleen for starting the whole thing. The trip might have started out to be all about Anna, but it turns out that I was pretty glad her daddy wouldn't let her fly alone, because I had the time of my life! Being able to hand her off to you guys, where I knew she was having a blast & in the best hands in the world, gave me time with my friends that was the biggest gift I could ever, ever have. You guys really are incredible, and everything you did with and for Anna was a priceless gift that neither she or I will soon forget. It was really neat for me to give her not just cool new experiences, but also a peek into my childhood, in the same places I went at almost exactly the same age.

Mel, that goes for you too! Did you love having a mini-me shadow for a week? Anna worships you even more than she let's on. The time she got to spend with you was probably the high point of the entire trip for her. Now I just have to figure out when I'm flying you up here, because **I** didn't get nearly long enough with you at all. There are conversations to have and knitting to do!

Next, I want to thank everyone who came out for the BBQ that my wonderful Auntie threw for me. I had ALL my Aunties there!!!! And both my favorite uncles, my sweet cousins, and my very best friends. That was absolutely friggin' cool!! You all went to so much trouble, driving so far, cooking and baking for me, baking cherry pie for me...drool! In a lot of ways it was like a very happy flashback to all the great family gatherings when I was a kid.

A then POOF!! It was over way too fast! I didn't get enough time to sit and talk with each of you, which I really wanted to. I was really sad when everyone had to leave to make the too-long trek home.

I definitely miss you all at other times, but I don't think I have ever missed you as much as when that party ended. I need another two weeks down there by myself, just seeing family & friends. I might have to find a way to swing that somehow...
But all of you that made so so SO much effort for me - Thank You!. Those words seem pitifully inadequate. Very pitifully.

The other priceless gift I got on this trip was time with two of my oldest, bestest friends in the world. No matter what we did, just sitting with you and talking over dinner is something I haven't been able to do in years. It always still kind of surprises me how easy it is to just pick up right where we left off as if no time at all, no years and years, had passed in the interim. Sometimes, being isolated up here in the boonies so far from you guys is a lot harder than I let on. "Friend time," sans husband or kids is very seriously good for my mental state! No matter how dearly I love my husband and kids, friend time is just a whole 'nother animal; especially with the people I've very literally grown up with.

And speaking of animals.......!! I spent three days at the beach watching buses come and go, almost all with the giant San Diego Zoo "Elephant Odyssey" ads on them, thinking what a bummer it was that there was no way I'd make it down there this trip. I was exhausted from all the driving I'd done already! So a huge thank you not Darcy for being fearlessly spontaneous and hauling us down there for a most of a day. I can't believe I did that whole trip on foot. I sure as hell paid for it after, but it was worth every Advil. I think the munchkin was pretty damned impressed too, despite the carefully postured teenage indifference at times. The huge genuine smiles and giggles broke through often enough for me to know the truth! Me, I felt like I was about 5, seeing animals I'd never ever seen in real life. I think I had more fun than the five-year-olds there. Next time, gotta remember to hit the children's zoo though - you get to touch things in there! ;->

So, as I sign off and go get ready to head up the mountain with Daddy for my pre-chemo checkup and labs, the point is this:
To each and every one of you, a huge, heartfelt thank you for every minute of that trip. I'd list you all individually, but I ran outta time! ;-p

I love you all, very, very much!!!!!!

I found my notecards!!

Now how exciting is that? Now I can regale you will all the exciting minutiae I've got jotted down on them, but not today.

Today, Daddy is coming up to babysit me while Lloyd's gone on a motorcycle ride that might turn into an overnighter. That's ok, because WE are going to dinner and a Dave Alvin show at the Sierra Nevada Brewery tonight. I scan the email list I get of upcoming acts hoping Dave will come back, and I got lucky- he's here, and Dad is able to come up and go to the show with me.

So, since Dad will be here about the time the kids get home from school, and I have a couple hours free till then, I am laying down and closing my eyes like that little guy over there----->

The next few days will be pretty busy with doctors and labs and chemo and having Dad to talk to, so I don't figure I'll get in another entry till after I come out of the chemo fog. Monday I go see Andy, and Tuesday I go see Dr. Davis for my six month Pap test... Yeahhhh....I'm going to be tired.

So, that's where I'll be. Have fun till I get back.

A Happy Doggie & A Tired and Ooky Me

Well, the most important news there is is that my girl is feeling better.

The meds that the vet gave us seem to be doing the job, and she's been holding down water and bland foods for over 48 hours now. I feel terrible that she's starving to death, getting just tiny bits of canned-bland or boiled chicken & rice, but she's so happy when she gets anything that I guess its ok. We were able to up the amount a little and mix in a little kibble for her dinner last night too. I think just eating dinner at the same time as the other dogs made her feel better, even if I was still hand-feeding her. I've been doing that since the beginning - feeding her off a fork or spoon so she wasn't able to wolf down the whole meal in 3 quick gulps.

That really is the only news there is. I'm not feeling terribly well myself right now, so I don't really feel like being a terribly witty blogger right now. I still want to find my index cards with all of my witty blogger notes on them, so I will probably be obsessive and look for them again.

Most of those entries are going to require lots of typing and photos, so I'll have to migrate down to the laptop anyway. I just don't know what the helll crApple's problem is with letting me upload photos anywhere, but it's really pissing me off!!!

Anyway, I don't have any idea why I feel so crappy this weekend, but I suspect that tha smart thing to do would be to take it easy, rest, SLEEEEP, and consume lots of liquids. And so I shall.
More later!

The Catching Up With Everything entry

Well, there are so many entries I've wanted to write, and I haven't got to any of them, AND I've lost the index cards with all my notes on them, so I'm just going to have to wing it. ::sigh:: I'll be trying to catch up on everything, but I'm realizing that it'll take me more than one entry, otherwise I'll take about a week to write it. So, one thing at a time.

I guess I'll go backwards, most current news first.

My Peadog
My baby girl is sick, which of course is the most important news there could be. She doesn't ACT sick, thank god, but she's barfed six times in 24 hours. A few times I thought we were past it - she went 12 full hours overnight - but nope. Many vet phone calls and we're off to the doctor in just a few minutes from now. (10:10 am Friday Sept 24) Update, and finishing this entry when I come home, of course.

Well, a very large sum later, we're home, with pretty much no idea at all what's causing her to be sick. She hasn't barfed since morning (jinx...just wait) and has kept all her meds down for almost an hour and a half now. Cross your fingers. We've got her on Prilosec, Compazine and something to coat the mucosa in her digestive tract and we're just hoping it all stays in to do some good. She had blood, urine and stool tested and everything there looks ok, which is the big relief. Now we just wait. I'm keeping her upstairs with me again, where I can confine her to the bathroom if needed (it's big and open, so I can see her and she can see me, which helps) and most of the time, I can keep her on the bed, on the crib-pads we had to buy when Stella was having bladder leaks. I think I'm going to take a nap while she's sleeping.

Stay tuned and pray for her to have a strong stomach, at least for an hour or two. I wasn't planning on being up at 7 am, and I'm tired.

The idiotPad
Well, my lovely little device apparently comes with some limitations. We went to the crApple store at the mall out in Roseville, which lived up to its name right away by the nicely insistently firm young lady at the podium telling us that in order to ask some questions we had to have an appointment, and that the first such they'd be able to give us was over 2 hours away. If you wanted to buy something, you could talk to anyone you wanted, but if you already owned it, you needed an appointment. That did NOT improve our feelings toward the crApple brand too terribly much... I went and explored Sephora for the first time ever, and after that improved my mood a bit, I went back and tried again. This time, instead of going to the official person at the official podium, I found a nice young man and cornered him.

And, after all of that trouble, it turns out that the answer to almost all of my questions was: No.
Uploading photos into Facebook though the normal web interface? No. Apple's fault? Of course not; it's a software thing, and until Facebook changes their site, sorry. Blogging on blogger in the normal "compose" box, instead of this, the "edit html" box? No. Apple's fault? Of course not; it's a software thing, and until Google changes their site, sorry.

I see.

Unfortunately, there was absolutely no way in the world for me to find out about these kinds of things before I bought. Every website is different, and some of the programming plays nicely with Apple's technology, and some doesn't. And, of course, Apple's technology doesn't play nicely with anyone, so it has to work the other way around. The good news is that supposedly these things will become far less common as the rest of the world catches up with the idiotPad. I do believe that, because I think these things are going to be pretty much everywhere pretty soon, so I will hang in. If I returned it and got a net book, I'd have different problems, and it would weigh nearly twice as much. ::sigh::

Well, at least the nice young man did tell me how to get my idiotPad to sync with my laptop, even if it did take about 3 hours the first time, and that wasn't even transferring all my photos. I have a loooooooooot of music.

Ok, time for a nap before my gorgeous girl decides it's time to wake up and be active. Luckily, with her age and my illness, we move at about the same pace these days.

And we like our naps.
Soon, more exciting posts, with topics such as:
*What I Did On My Summer Vacation
*Why My Stuffed Animal Collection Is So Much Cooler Than Yours
and
*Why "The Passage" (the book, in case you have been on Mars this summer) Sucks So Seriously That It Pissed Me Off

Stay tuned.

Attack of the idiotPad

Can I type here now?! So, if I try to type in the "compose" pane, I get nowhere. If I go to the "edit HTML" pane, off I go.
Frustrated would be a mild description.

And I CAN NOT POST PICTURES TO FACEBOOK EITHER.

WHAT THE HELL?

If the fancy idiotPad can't do what my cell phone *can,* we're going to have a real problem.

Well, here goes nothing

Well, it really was nothing!

The magical iPad is here. Sadly, it is SO magical that it's kind of like something out of Harry Potter, and I don't have the spells to unlock it yet.

This was technically my first post from the iPad. Unfortun

ately, while I was able to enter a title and (accidentally) hit the "post" button, I could not find a single mechanism by which to access the field to type the body of the post. You literally just can't go there. Aaaaannnnywhere else...but not there, nuh-uh, no way!

I feel like Pooh with his head in the hunny pot - it's all very nice and sweet, but you can't really get anything done....

(I'm writing this on the laptop now, having gone in to "edit" the post originally started on the iPad.)

In knitting, there is something commonly known as "i-cord," so named because, supposedly, it's so easy any idiot could do it. I'm starting to think of the name "iPad" as a similar abbreviation; only, in this case I AM the idiot who can't figure the damned thing out.

My kingdom for a cursor!

Or a real instruction manual!

Or navigational arrow keys!

But mainly a cursor!

Is there an "iPad for Dummies" book? Can I get it on the Kindle? Or on the iPad?!

Stay tuned for the solutions to these and other equally exciting mysteries as I continue my quest.

I will say that the idiotPad has a couple of things going for it so far-

When opening the bookshelf app for the first time, it gave me a free book to play with. Does it give every user the same book? The book *I* got was the full-color original (not Disney-style) "Winnie the Pooh." Some of you out there are going to understand what a delicious coincidence that is.

And it is pretty. It is really, really, really pretty!!

Circus? I have one right here at home!

Well, those who know me well know that I was really looking forward to going to the circus this weekend. Didn't happen.

In the big picture, it was a good thing that I didn't go, because me not going meant almost everyone else DID get to go, and it was very important that Anna get to go, as it was her birthday party substitute.

Me? I got to experience my first massive teenager-meltdown. You know, the kind where the teenager in question stomps off and disappears, prompting a neighborhood search wherein he needs to be boxed in by two parents while a third on the phone begs him to stop being stubborn and get in the car.

That kind. Many mentions of police involvement were made, but they didn't seem to interest him one bit. Nothing broke through - not yelling, not sarcasm, not being calm, nada. I guess when teenage boys get that angry, the testosterone takes over and they don't care about ANYthing.

AND, then once he has been transported back home (and I have succeeded in begging Lloyd to take Trevor, Anna and Anna (her twin/best friend) to the circus as planned, since it IS Anna's birthday party equivalent, and because by the time we mapped out directions for me to drive them, we'd miss the show), the child locks me out of the house (luckily I had insisted Lloyd not drive off until I made sure my keys were in my purse), and then when I go upstairs to his room, he's throwing things at the inside of his closed door, attempting to barricade me out.

I had to push my way in against his throwing things, getting rather bruised and battered in the process (I was already DEEEEEP in the middle of a massive lymphedema attack and other side-effect fun, which was yet another reason for Lloyd to go and me to stay), so I could demand his cell phone.

He responded by screaming at me to "take it," which I calmly refused to do, explaining that I would A) never do such a thing and B) that if I actually tried, he would doubtlessly hit me in some way as pure reflex, and I wasn't going to let that happen either, because *that* would have to have severe repercussions beyond my control. ::sigh::

"WHAT THE FUCK IS LIFE ANYWAY?!" was his response to that.

A ****very**** calm speech from me later (explaining that life was actually about people who love you, and continue to love you no matter whether you are sad, depressed, happy, triumphant, etc., and never stopped loving you even through shit like this; and that nothing he could do at that point was going to change MY feelings about him, because I chose him as my stepson, etc, etc, etc. AND discussing ways of getting out aggression, such as why smashing things was both therapeutic and a very bad idea, AND some deep sarcasm thanking him for the workout, since I was trying anything I could think of) he finally handed over the phone without incident and threw himself on his bed like (in his mother's words,) "a little girl."

She pretty much nailed it. She and I must have spent over an hour on the phone that day, in 2 or 3 conversations, which I know helped me - I hope it helped her, because we were both really upset.

After a couple hours of letting him calm down (and collecting all the things he was no longer allowed to use AND locking all my meds in a lockbox; yet another exhausting round of exercise), I went up to see if he was even awake, and tell him to start his homework - huge, ridiculous piles of homework - found his door barricaded AGAIN........had to push my way through it AGAIN....and found him still as pissed as he was in the first place. Actually, I think the fact that I was capable of getting in pissed him off more than anything.

After that one, I explained to him that if he kept up with the barricades, his father would *probably* take the door off the hinges, and he seemed to believe me, because he finally stopped that one and got to work on his homework with the door open. I gave him his iPod as a peace offering, but I guess it didn't work, because he was still verbally abusive and nasty to me yesterday.

When all was said and done, I finally had to do something I hate doing more than anything in the world and tell him that for now, I was going to step out and let his father handle him exclusively. Unless there is a real emergency, involving fire, blood, or both, he is to ask Lloyd for anything and everything, and Lloyd will handle his discipline, priviliges and anything and everything else. Period. I had to do this with Trevor a few years ago, and it was MISERABLE, and I'm not going to enjoy it any more this time.

The really fun part? I don't have the faintest idea why he was mad in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so begins another enjoyable period in my step-mothering career. NOT!

Right now, I am tired. I am swollen with huge amounts of fluid. I have bruises up and down my right leg and random other places from fighting through barricaded doors. I have sore muscles in every part of my body.

I am depressed beyond comprehension.

But other than that, things are peachy-keen!

I'm going to go sit downstairs (I spent the day in bed yesterday, which did help immensely) and elevate my legs and sort through photos, as I await the receipt of our neato-coolo new photo scanner, so I can finally get them all digitized.

In the meantime, for your entertainment, I'm going to post the big pile of pics from our trip down South on Flickr, but be warned - I'm not sorting out all the blurry or strange ones yet. I'm too damned tired, and my hands hurt too much. That will come later. I got some incredible pics at the San Diego Zoo, so you should enjoy it anyway.

More when I can... Advice for the day: Don't have teenagers. Force your children to skip from about 8 or 9 to 25 in one step. Or send them to Hogwarts to wait it out. ;-)

Ch ch ch ch ch- changes....

I hate change. Really, I do. Change is bad. But, Google gave me cool new blogging tools and backgrounds and I plan to use them to express my overall blogging mood for the day. Evolve or go extinct, like that dude there, right?

There are actually going to be a lot of changes coming down the pike, so be ready for it, people. I do not take change lightly (you might already know that about me by now!) but, it's time.

First will be a change to my email address. I will not be ditching my beloved Blue Blvd, but I'll be changing my personal email name. That is going to be given out to friends only and not randomly strewn about the internet as my current name has been. A decade of domain ownership, small business ventures, association memberships and lord knows what else has left me miserable. I dread looking at my email! When I came home from vacation, I had an inbox with well over 600 messages waiting for me. On average, about 8 or 10 of those will be directly for me, something I did subscribe to, or at least not spam. Those numbers just don't add up for me.

So, the old one will remain up and collecting spam for quite some time while I make sure everything that should be moved gets moved. Then I'll convert over to a private address @blueblvd.com, for use with all y'all, and a "business transactions" gmail address for things like registering on websites, signing kids up for things and all those other random things that come up where I don't want to give out my private contact just yet.

Anyone like the new blog background? I kind of like the idea of changing it to reflect the mood of the post. New look, new names, new blogging ideas, the whole enchilada. I want to make some changes, and this is a good place to start. Good as any, I guess!

So, the update on me today is that I feel crappy. NOT as crappy as I have on other occasions, such as last night, but I feel like hell. I had the Taxol chemo (low dose, ha ha) and the Neulasta follow-up shot, and if there's a side effect possible for either of them, I got it. I've also felt like I'm getting a bit of a cold or flu on top of those. Last night and today was a really fun lymphedema adventure, but I'm better now.

Most of my today has been sadness and worry for others. One of those stories is not mine to tell, so all I will say is - it's on the way, so hang on tight!

The other concerns my dear Auntie. As you might have figured out from reading my blog, my Auntie has never met a stranger, and never failed to make a friend. She is the kindest person on the planet and has an entire galaxy of friends. Those friends become part of her heart, and losing one of them is almost a physical injury.

I just found out today that one of my Auntie's dearest friends (I'll call her J.) went into hospice a couple days ago. I know that Cheryl will be there with her almost night and day while J finishes this last bit of her dance with this disgusting, insidious fucker called cancer.

I haven't met J, but I've discovered that I'm devastated all the same. I can't fix anything for J, I can't make my Auntie or any of her friends any less sad, I can't give some little kids back their mom, nothing. So, all I can do is be sad with them all, and send every bit of good karma I can spare speeding off to Southern California.

I know I can count on all of you to do the same.

I also know that I'll be counting each and every one of you when I count the stars to go to sleep tonight. All of you are what keep *me* going. Love you all.

Weekend forecast: very bloggy ahead

Saturday....

Well gang, I have been seriously remiss in keeping up this blog lately. And by lately, I mean over the last, oh, what - year? Um, yeah, that's about it. And that's going to change.

I am hereby committing to becoming a regular blogger again. I kind of liked it when I was keeping up with this every day and getting your feedback. Since I'm back in chemo, starting the "pretty much for the rest of my shortish life" phase of the chemo experience, it seems like a logical time to get back to it.

The only problem with my newfound urge to blog constantly is that I'm constantly not here lately. The chemo experience itself is a 3-day program - Dr. visit & labs; chemo; Neulasta shot & hydration. I'll also be trying to get a bunch of dental work done, I have my gastric tests next week, etc. You know what I mean.

Point is, I'm not near my laptop very often, and its pretty impossible to drag it with me places, because, at nearly 5lbs, it is way, way, way too heavy for me. How sad is that?! When I bought it, I was thrilled at how light it was compared to my past laptops. Now, I'm such a weakling that 5# is very painful to hold after a few minutes.

Thus, I'm considering investing in a netbook, or even an iPad. Then I can take it to chemo, everywhere, and be mobile. At this point, I have a zillion questions running through my head as I try to figure out which option is best for me.

I was able to see an iPad in person on my vacation thanks to Darcy, so I've started my quest by asking her some of my zillion questions. I'd love to hear what

you guys have to say too.

Here is the big big question:

My biggest hesitation, after the fact that it's made by Apple: Can you REALLY actually *type* on the fucker?!! It would defeat the entire purpose if I had to get the keyboard.

I want one of these devices because I want to be able to blog anywhere, without having to do it on my phone. Blogging is thing one, period. But, ditto email - the phone is just damned small. If I could take the laptop everywhere, I would be SO caught up on my email, blog, life... It's too big and too heavy for me anymore. The places I frequent all have wifi, like the chemo center. The real keyboard makes the netbook come out ahead. The size and weight wins for the iPad. There are a dozen pros and cons on each side, to the point where it's damn near even.

Needless to say, this is NOT a small investment for someone who lives on a fixed income and has bad teeth, but my idea is to convert my entire online world to the small device - you know, blog, facebook, twitter, email.

That means taking the laptop off the internet entirely, cleaning the hell out of it and making it "sterile" for safe documents, photos, etc, with much less chance of a kaboom. Hopefully that would make good sense in the long run, as carrying around the smaller, lighter device would be much better for me physically, and hopefully sterilizing the laptop, with its heftier computing power for photoshopping and pagemaker-ing, would make it last longer.

I'm also looking at a dedicated photo scanner for the laptop, so I can work on the 8 or 9 boxes of prints and albums Dad has deposited, so I want to get it cleaned up, and good. There is a lot of family history at stake.

So anyway, that's what's been going on today: contemplating my computing future while trying to ignore lots of side effects. Sadly, they will get worse tomorrow, and then, Monday, I get to prep for my enema on Tuesday. I am not having near as much fun as this little guy over there----->

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Sunday....

I have this very bad habit of writing blog entries and then forgetting to post them. Oops. I'll be working on Sunday's entry soon, but I thought I'd post Saturday's column first.

The ultra-quick update

Well, Anna and I just got back from LA for our little trip to the beach and visiting friends and family. It was....well, it was a vacation. We had an absolute blast at times, and some things were a royal pain in the ass. I absolutely promise to write about it all very, very soon, but tonight I have to be in a bit of a hurry.

Tonight is just a quick note to make sure everyone knows that I'm back in chemo tomorrow afternoon. We knew I would be going back to chemo this month, but I thought it would be later in the month. I came home, and poof!

It's going to be a fun-filled several days. Tomorrow, I go see Andy at 9, then up to Paradise for chemo by 2:30. Monday, I have to do the oh-so-fun PREP for my barium enema on Tuesday. Don't you wish you were me?!

So now, I am going to go upstairs and change my sheets, clean up my room as much as I can and prep things for post-chemo coma time. Oh, such joy!

I promise to write lots, huge lots,more, about vacation and everything else going on. I promise!

Right now, I'm as tired as this guy!

Clean, but at the same time, really full of shit

And how, you ask, can something be both clean AND full of shit at the same time? Easy, when you're talking about my CT scan results!

"Clean" means that there are no signs of nasty icky cancer.*

*I'll explain what the asterisk means in a second. I realize that usually the asterisk means that you'll explain something later, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to be redundant.

"Really full of shit" means that my intestines really have only been doing half their job, and it would seem that they're holding onto about 93% of all the food I have ever eaten, in the form of waste.*

*That sentence is ALL about the comma, ain't it?!

SO, the first of those two things means that there has been no "significant" growth, change or multiplication of the little cancer nodules in my lungs. One node shows about 1mm of growth, which is not technically significant.

Looking forward, I'll have another scan at the end of October. Starting in September, we'll begin doing some low-dose maintenance chemo - low-dose Taxol, once a month/4 weeks. I absolutely do not mind this one tiny bit. These little lung tumors seem to be very slow-growing (which is a shocker, because the primary cancer was a ridiculously aggressive, speedy little fucker), but if they are growing at ALL, I would far rather deal with a few more chemo side effects to keep it slow than have them become "significant" enough to require major treatment again.

The second part of things, the being full of shit, merits some looking into - literally. I'll be getting a call to see a surgeon about a colonoscopy (yick) to see what in the world is going on in there. It's possible that scar tissue from previous surgeries has caused my intestines to become squooshed up and create some right angles and hair-pin curves in there, instead of the normal smooth loops that normal people have.

We all know how far I am from normal, so none of this is surprising either. If anyone's going to get strange things growing inside her to take up the space of all the piles of things that have been removed, it would be me.

And that, my dear friends, family, and assorted strangers who like reading about my private parts and internal organs, is about all the news there is in the world.

Other than that. . .

We're dropping Stella off at puppy camp for a few days next week, so she can have a little doggie vacation (no, seriously, they have commercials on tv about their doggie vacations!), running in the fields, swimming in the muddy, froggy ponds and getting some refresher sessions with her favorite trainer, Tai.

While Stella is off at camp, we're going to load the big kids in the car and wander off on some day trips to places that older, less spastic doggies will enjoy, and possibly even an overnight trip if we get really ambitious. Pea is starting to have more and more trouble getting around, thanks to her bad shoulder, AND she's sporting an absolutely gigantic hematoma in one ear which makes her feel fairly crappy too, so I want her to have some fun while she's able to really enjoy it.

And we're stir-crazy too. With the kids gone, we can't leave the house for more than 4 hours at a time, because Stella has to be crated so that she doesn't chew her way through a wall to go look for us outside.

That said, next week is our last week before the kids get home! This summer has FLOWN past, and all the cleaning-up and cleaning-out we swore we would get done while they were gone have largely been passed over in favor of sitting on our butts watching tv or reading.

This all ALSO means I have to get of said butt very soon and start getting myself together for my trip South to the beach with Anna at the end of the month.

I think that's it...there are gifts to be wrapped and shipped, craft project gifts to be finished so they can be wrapped and shipped, and all the usual little things, but most importantly, I had a good CT scan. I figure that's what you all wanted to read about the most.

So if you're expecting a gift from me, be patient, I'm getting there. ;-)

Oh, hurray!!!!!!!!!

Ok, you can disregard most of my last post.

Our friends are NOT losing their house!!!

There is "something" going on, the details of which I am not privy to, and that is just fine and dandy, as long as they are not losing their home.

That is the only thing that matters.

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Nothing else is going on. We're being lazy in front of the tv, I'm doing some surfing and shopping online, and resting. The air quality here today is in the "ridiculously unhealthy" range, and my allergies were already acting up - So, being utterly brilliant, I started tidying up in my room, and dusting everything in sight. Now my chest is all tightened up, hurts, and breathing is not any fun.

Sitting is good.

Must not pluck eyebrows... & A really major bummer

Must...not...pluck!

Man, that's hard - watching these little dark black hairs sprout out and having to resist touching any of them.

See, like the rest of my hair, almost all of my eyebrows fell out. The only part that really stayed visible was the widest part of the brow, closest to the nose. Well, they're coming back now, but they're coming back randomly, a hair here, and a hair there. Some of them are also coming in ingrown, which requires me to try and exfoliate the dead skin on top without pulling the hair.

Obviously, there's going to be some shaping to do and plucking will be very necessary. Now here's the big issue: The problem is, I haven't the foggiest idea which hairs will end up being the good ones and which ones will end up being the bad ones, shape-wise.

I'm really very, very tired of looking sloppy and ugly and icky. And stop right there, all of you who feel you have to comment and say I'm not ugly and icky. I know what you're going to say, thank you, but *I* feel ugly and icky, and I'm sick of it.

Grrr.

But anyway, on to something that actually means something - my eyebrows and feeling ugly are so completely meaningless, in the real scheme of things.

What's meaningful is the news that some friends of ours, a family here in Gridley, are losing their house; at least, so says the legal notice Lloyd read in the local paper, which says their house is about to be auctioned off.

I'm hoping this is a giant misprint, a mistake, something. But if it's real.... This is HORRIBLE, and I'm really, really depressed.

I don't think they read this blog, but all the same I'm not going to say anything to ID them. We didn't know a thing about it until we read it in the paper, and there's really no good way to go up to someone and ask if they're really in foreclosure.

I wish there was, because I want to tell them how sorry I am, and offer any help we could. I've been at rock bottom, and I know what it feels like, and it doesn't feel good. I've made it through thanks to my family and friends, and I'd like this family to know that we're here for them. People close to me have visited this particular department of hell, and I know how horrible it is.

If they want to keep this matter private, then I won't say a thing.

If they want help...well, I'm not much use for packing and moving stuff, but I could

• recruit a bunch of people who can pack, haul and carry;
• keep the coffee/soda/beer flowing; and
• make a lunch for all the workers so that they could come take a break in my nice cool house and have something to eat.

We have a mutual friend who may know a lot more about this than I do, and I will definitely be asking her if she knows what's going on.

I guess it was really only a matter of time before the "mortgage crisis," as they call it on the news, hit closer to home for us.

Unfortunately, it just really fucking sucks.

Blog, bloggetty blog blog!

7/12

I am blogging.

I would really prefer to be booking my plane tickets to fly down to LA with Anna in August for a week of fun and relaxation, but no, I am blogging, because Southwest Airlines, despite their wonderful prices and free checked bags, is entirely FUCKED UP right now! I can't book our flights, because their site has an "error."

I can't book the hotel nights I need, at a fabulous price IF I pre-pay the entire cost, because I do not have plane tickets booked, and even as out of practice as I am at this whole travel thing, I'm pretty sure it would be stupid to pay ahead for hotel nights that I won't be able to keep if I'm not even able to get the FUCKING PLANE TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ditto the car rental.....

So, I'm blogging.

(Yeah, I keep trying Southwest again, and I get the same error)

So...how are you all? I'm doing dandy, but I want a nap. Everyone in the house, I think all species, are taking a nap right now *except* me. That just doesn't seem fair at ALL.

I'm on some new happy pills that are supposed to help me break my nap habit. Well, I think they're working. I'm slightly manic and more than slightly hyper. The first day I took one of these I was really hyper, and pushed myself too far, physically, and then had a really rough night, including one of the worst nightmares I've had in ages.

So, yesterday, I thought I'd try 1/2 a pill each dose; maybe be a little less manic, while still having enough "go" to skip my usual nap. The earlier part of the day went well, but then evening came, and I crashed out - just zonked on the couch. Alrighty.... I want a nap NOW. Grrr.

7/13

I got my nap, without really planning to. I kind of conked out randomly and never finished my ranting blog. That's probably best for all concerned, huh? Today, I'm taking the day off. Then again, today is almost over already, so maybe I should take tomorrow off too. All I want to do is read a book and take a nap. That's not so much, really, but "gotta do" stuff keeps intruding. *sigh*

But I got the plane tickets. Whew.

Lloyd is on his way to Kaiser to do something about this horrible virus he's had for the last week, with coughing fits that probably wake the neighbors. I am beyond thrilled that he's finally going to the doctor!!!

The fact that I can play hooky and go lay down and read a book and maybe fall asleep ain't so bad either.........

HIPPO BIRDIE TO DAWN!

A very big, happy, heartfelt Hippo Birdie to Dawn.

You are the greatest, and I'm blessed to have you in my life. I can't imagine it without you now.

Love you!!!!

More actual blogging later...had to get the important thing posted right away. ;-)

...and so here I am.

I did promise in a recent (ahem, "recent" being a relative term) post to post more often...and so here I am.

I don't have a damned thing to say, really, but since when does that matter?

I am having one seriously crappy-ass day, how-I'm-feeling-wise, which I have thus far avoided mentioning to my husband, but which he will undoubtedly now find out about, seeing as how I've chosen to start making noise in the form of typing in an otherwise fairly quiet (if you ignore the tv, his snoring, and assorted dog-related noises, in order of volume level) room and thought that blogging about how crappy I feel might make me feel better...and so here I am.

So far today, I've tried to make myself feel better by laying in bed, watching tv, attempting to sleep, reading magazines, attempting to sleep, finally sleeping, watching more tv, and most recently, reading a Dave Barry book on my Kindle that has resulted in the kind of hysterical giggle fits that are entirely incomprehensible by people who don't quite appreciate Dave Barry on the level that I do and have actually woken (wakened? awoke? awake-i-fied? I have no idea, it's late) my snoring husband AND at least two out of three dogs more than once, which was a great but not perfect distraction...and so here I am.

I think it's actually only been the last half hour or so that I've realized that the entire problem with the day has been that I've been feeling so crappy...and that THAT would be the reason for "The Smell."

For those of you not acquainted with me, my blog, cancer, or all of the above, here's where I issue the mandatory disclaimer that what you're about to read definitely falls under what most people would call "TMI." For the rest of you, you're beyond being shocked at this point.

Ok, see, there was that day back a few months ago, don't ask me what month it was, but it must have been right near Easter because the kids were on a school break and the weather was atrocious, in the rain and wind shaking the house kind of way, when I spent two full days in utter misery before hitting the ER for many hours. Remember that? I sort of do. Anyway, one of the worst parts of that day, for ME, was The Smell. The Smell was coming FROM me. I was positive of this. Now, the good thing is, *I* was the only one who could smell it. I found this pretty unbelievable, really, like my darling husband was just trying to make me feel better - but Aimee swore she couldn't smell it either, and she's under oath never to say things just to make me feel better. A really severe oath.

So, in theory, no one else could smell this hellacious odor that was making me want to claw my eyes out, kind of like meth users do when they feel those invisible bugs on their skin. Foul, foul, foul....and I couldn't figure it out, except at the time, I'd been in the same pjs in the same bed on the same sheets for two days, and figured it was definitely sweat-based, like I was extruding chemo through my skin or something. Not a bad theory, right?

The first thing I did when I got home from the ER was to immediately strip out of everything I'd been wearing and re-dress in large amounts of clean, warm clothing. The Smell has pretty much been absent since then.

Oh, it's also noteworthy to note that this incident occurred a full two weeks after I'd had my last chemo of the first set of chemo treatments, and right after I was supposed to have my first treatment of my second set, BUT hadn't actually had it yet because I was so sick. So, not like the day after or something. Now, it's been a lot of weeks since my last treatment, and here it is back.

Hrm.

I don't get it, but I have absolutely determined that the smell IS coming from me, and that one of the places it definitely IS is in pee. Eww. TMI - I told you! Stinky pee! And because it's The Smell, it's making me insane. I don't know why it's back, but the fact that I feel crummy and The Smell is back add up to me having a really shitty-ass day, and wondering what the hell is happening. Is my body randomly, or on some schedule of some sort, purging some of the remaining chemo left in there? I have no idea!

But I'm less than thrilled...and so here I am. I owe lots of overdue email replies, most notably to two lovely gents whose names (given, taken, or otherwise) both begin with S, and one of whom is in a foreign country far, far away, and the other is in LA, which is almost further away, culturally speaking, from Gridley. I promise to get right on those messages, guys. Honest. As soon as I'm done babbling at the world via blog about my odd smells, during the wee hours.

Or perhaps I'll just take my sleeping pill and hope that banishes the feeling crappy, the snoring, The Smell, stinky pee and all, and the fact that the dogs are taking up at least 75% of the bed space. (I'm so not kidding -I would post a picture here, showing the tiny sliver of space that I have on one side, and my poor husband barely clinging to the other edge, barely not falling off, while the dogs form a perfect triangle in the middle, but my husband would kill me, and rightly so.)

Meanwhile, the only other noteworthy news of the day were the realizations that A) I actually kind of like a Macy Gray song, which should be vaguely criminal; B) I think I am developing a tv-crush on Jimmy Fallon, which will prove highly problematic when Conan comes back on, because my tv-crush on him is far, far stronger; and C) after typing all of this, I am actually starting to get tired.

Not tired enough to sleep, mind you, but just tired enough to be glad that I'm too old to be at a midnight showing of the latest Twilight movie, and too tired to go see if yet another change of wardrobe will banish The Smell. But kind of hungry.

...and so here I am.

I learn new things every day

This past week-or-so, I have learned what a Wordle is. And what a meme is. (I always sort of pretended to know what a meme was, but I was never entirely sure.) Wordles are actually rather cool. I can't figure out how to make one of my own and actually paste it into this entry, but oh well.

I've learned that a long solo trip to the grocery store makes me very, very tired. I learned, in just barely the nick of time, that sometimes it's a good idea to answer an emphatic "YES!" and feel no shame when they ask you if you'd like help out to your car with that. I'm learning, slowly, just how useful it really is to park in the disabled spot.

I've learned that I'm secretly very jealous that I couldn't go kayaking too. I'm not at all jealous of the sunburns two of my kids have on their shins. (I SWEAR we tried to sunscreen them from top to bottom...)

And I'm learning just how hard it is to keep up a regular blog when I don't have major medical news to report all the time!! If you'd asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that I'd never have a blog, because I had nothing to say, and especially nothing that anyone would be interested in reading. I certainly didn't want that to change the way it did, having a massive, life-threatening disease to battle and chronicle - but as we all learn at some point, what happens, happens. So now, after something like two years of things I needed to share with all y'al, I'm back to having nothing interesting to say...which is now a very odd feeling.

I have an ingrown toenail. Is that interesting?! No, probably not.

Status Normal

As promised, here I am! It's not daylight...I kinda missed that...but at least I'm here. Days later, but here.

Things here have been blessedly plain, mainly boring and normal. Normal for us, mind you.

School got out last Friday. The kids leave for their normal summer visit with their mother in mid-July, so they're mostly home until then. The boys are home - We've been busy this week getting things taken care of so Anna can leave on Sunday for a week- Annnnnd, by the time I got back to writing this, she's already almost ready to come HOME from her week of camp.

Anna got accepted - the ONLY person from her school - to attend a prestigious science & math camp at the Sonoma State campus, where she's living in a dorm for a week, attending special classes and projects, and today they were sea kayaking on Tomales Bay, up at Point Reyes. There was a rumor that they might have been visiting the Safari West wildlife preserve too. This is a pretty seriously cool camp. I am way jealous!! If only they'd needed parent chaperones....

So, since I've been trying to write this blog post for well over a week, I think, and not succeeding in getting it posted, I'm going for quick and dirty.

I am fine. Still side effect-y, still amazingly fatigued, but progressing normally. I went in and had my port flushed (apparently I have to do this every 4 to 6 weeks) and got hydrated while I was there. I figure, if we have to make the drive, I might as well get the hydration, because I can always use it. Writing that, I just realized that I haven't had one of my bits where my lips stick to my teeth because I'm so dehydrated - that's a very good sign!!!

I'm going to keep up the hydration though, because Dr. Mazj says I should ask every time I feel like I need it, so it seems kind of silly to drive allllll the way up the mountain and just get the shot and leave.

I'm trying to work on getting some stamina & strength back so I can get out of the house a little more. The cancer center arranged for me to get a wheelchair - but not so I can get wheeled around. Roni told me to use it like a walker, and push the empty chair most of the time; then, when I'm too tired to push anymore, sit down and make someone else push me for a while, then get back up and do it all over again. That actually makes pretty good sense to me, so I'm looking forward to trying it.

The only other item of note is that we're all waiting anxiously for the arrival of our 3rd great-granddaughter, Marley, if she ever decides she wants outta there. Allie is definitely waiting more anxiously than anyone else!!!

That's all folks! As I write this, things are almost downright boring and uneventful around here - absolutely NOTHING worth talking about. I hope all of you are just as lucky!

Ooops...

I think I kinda-sorta owe you guys a blog post, huh?

Yeah....I will have to get around to that, like, immediately.

Tomorrow - immediately tomorrow. ;-p Well, it technically is tomorrow, if you want to get picky about it, but my darling husband is going to get really picky about things if I keep typing while he's trying to sleep.

Having justified a swift return to reading my Chelsea Handler book, which is absolutely fantastically fantastic trash, and I mean that in the best possible way, I'll see you all back here sometime when it's at least light out.

And the CT was good! Ver. 2.0

As most of the universe probably knows by now (thanks to my endless texting, tweeting and Facebook status update), the CT was good. In fact, it was about as good as it could possibly reasonably be.

As with the last one, the nodules in my lungs have not moved, grown or multiplied. Dr. Mazj is of the opinion that some or all of them could be scarring left after the chemo bombardment.

There is no sign of cancer anywhere else in my body that we can see.

My port, the neat little gizmo that lets them deliver the chemo more directly and without destroying my veins, was giving me some trouble, and we were wondering if it had moved, gotten somehow disconnected, or something, so Dr. Mazj had them check that both on the CT and with a catheterogram yesterday. That involved putting me under some nice claustrophobic devices in the cath lab and shooting iodine into the port to look at it on a fluoroscope. So far, so good. We still don't know why it's bugging me, but it's where it should be and still working.

SO, after getting the great news from Dr. Mazj & then getting my port checked out, I sat down for one last hydration session, at least for a while, and then . . . I was set free for the summer, with plans to come back in September for another CT. A summer free of chemo and shots and *everything* icky!!!

But, we should make sure that the important details are clear:

• None of this means I'm cured. I am not cured, and I will not ever be cured.
• Right now, what I am is *stable* - no signs of the disease progressing.
• If I stay stable, right where I am now, for some period of time, maybe years, then I'll be able to say I'm in remission, but I'm not sure how long that will take.
• Any of this could change, at any minute, so I have to be sure to be vigilant about paying attention to my body and any changes or symptoms I might have.
• I am not "well" yet, by any means. I still feel like crap, and chemo side effects can pop up ridiculous amounts of time after therapy has stopped; so I shouldn't worry if I'm still having issues throughout the summer, even if I need to go in and get hydrated every so on. It's going to take time for me to get back to where I was even last December; not to mention where I was before I got cancer.
• The goal for the summer is to try and get back into a "normal" life, whatever in the hell that means, and start getting some strength back, healthy habits and a better ratio of up time to down time.
• However . . . I still have quite a number of other health problems above and beyond the cancer which aren't gone and aren't going anywhere either. I'm not a healthy person, unfortunately.
• And, most importantly:

There are absolutely NO guarantees that the cancer will not pop back up in my lungs, or in some other part of my body. My life span is still a complete unknown. I think I can say that it's longer than a year now, by quite a lot, but there is zero assurance that I will see 70 or 80 - or even 50 or 60.

All I know now is that I've got a chance; a reprieve. Nobody's future is certain, mine is just a little less certain than some peoples' in a lot of ways. Ok, one thing is certain: It's naptime.

More later...after I sleep.

To all of you out there, I love you very much. You are a large part of why I've made it this far.