How I'm doing.

So, Darcy called me tonight, and asked me how I was doing, and it led me down some very interesting mental trails. I figured I'd make an effort to explain it a bit here, so that everyone would know how I actually *am* doing.

The thing that got me thinking was that she said it seemed like I'd kept up a really positive attitude during all of this. Hmm. I have?

I don't FEEL positive. I guess one part of me is so used to having monster health problems that the factual side of it is just clinical to me, like I'm reporting on something that happened to someone else. I really haven't let too many people see the bad moments. I've tried really hard be honest on here and not just sound perky and pithy, but it's difficult for me to share how much of it is really crappy and scary. It is not easy to talk about, and I don't like to feel like I'm upsetting other people.

I've had an awful lot of depressed, sad, scared out of my mind, anxiety attack, totally despondent days. It's not something I want the kids to see, and not something I have an easy time putting into words or sharing even with Lloyd. Does that make sense?

So, the real answer to the question of how I'm doing is pretty complicated! I feel like absolute hell a lot of the time, and totally normal sometimes. If I do too much one day (like today) then I'm all swollen like the Michelin man and my fibro kicks in and makes my entire body hurt and I spend most of the next day in bed. Randomly, I'll feel like there are giant rubber bands inside where the surgery was and someone has stretched them so tight they might break AND lit them on fire. Or it feels like someone stuck a really long, sharp needle right up inside me and stabbed where the cervix used to be.

At this stage, I'm really nervous about the radiation, and scared shitless about even the slightest, vaguest possibility that I might have to have chemo, but I will do whatever I have to do to get rid of this forever. I just want it to be over and not have it all about me anymore. I get beyond depressed thinking about how much money we've spent on stupid stuff for me, me, me because of this, that isn't real medical stuff. Dumb stuff like supplies and clothes and yoga classes.

You know?!!!!

I have some *ahem* slight anxiety and worry issues. I think the biggest emotion I've gotten from cancer is GUILT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, that's how I am actually doing. I am tired. I am mentally strung pretty tight. There's still a good amount of pain in all sorts of interesting ways. The immediate future is still pretty uncertain, and I think I'll feel better once I know more about radiation and everything else. It's one day, sometimes one hour at a time right now.

Stay tuned boys and girls.

And before I forget, I got a double-shot of the CatBox saga. Pretty soon I'm going to have more small cardboard boxes around here than actual furniture.