Day 1 of being post-nuking, trying to be very good to myself and recuperate: I slept until almost 10, after only getting up a few times in the night and early morning. How's that? Not too bad, right? I think I was tired beyond tired. Wait, I KNOW I was tired beyond tired. Now I'm getting caffeinated and wondering why I'm so weirdly near-tears depressed and upset for no reason at all. I think my weird dreams had something to do with it, but I can't remember what they were.
Not a clue I feel so crappy, but I do. My grand plan for the day involves showering, putting on my new Nick & Nora nightgown (oh, it is SO cute, covered with print of vintage Valentine cards) and curling up on the couch to work on felted flowers and knit. No reason for depression there. In fact, I can't think of a SINGLE reason to be upset! But I am. That pretty well pisses me off. Well, I guess pissed is better than depressed and weepy, right?
I think the problem with either is that I only manage to go about 85% of the way to the emotion and never all the way--all the way being the point where you actually let loose the waterworks and have a good cry or throw things at the wall or scream and somehow release all the tension and feel better. Nope, not me, I just kind of fester. I'm too well-behaved to scream or throw things. It's kind of a bummer sometimes, really. Maybe I should get Lloyd to hang a punching bag in the garage for me. Well, no, on second thought, that would just result in many, many broken hand bones.
Maybe if I ask really, really nicely, I can convince Lloyd to take all three children somewhere for an hour so I can scream and yell in peace and quiet, ha ha ha.
Anyway.... So, it's almost 11 am, I've done nothing with my day but drink coffee, write Muppet trivia, bitch about being depressed for no reason at all and help direct children in the creation of very strange breakfasts. I supposed that's a fair start to doing nothing for the day, right?
Off to take a shower and see if that helps. Sometimes it does... More later. Blurgh.
Update: I forgot to finish something earlier--explaining the physical side of where we're at right now.
Where we are, mainly, is in pain. This is apparently normal, from the radiation, and apparently far, far worse if you have the internal. Looks like cancelling the internal is even better than I realized! Basically, the pain is in the area that's been nuked (duh...)-- my lower back/sacral area aches, a lot, and has sharp pains from time to time. Apparently, "insufficiency fractures" of the sacrum are not unusual, which is a little scary.
In the front, if you drew a line through my belly button, horizontally across my tummy, and that was one line of a triangle, and the other two lines went down to meet in the genital area between my legs, that entire are feels like I've just had surgery again. Or been kicked by one of those pretty horses in the pictures a few posts ago.
From what I've read on various message boards, this stuff typically appears right about the end of treatment, which is what I'm experiencing, and unfortunately sticks around for quite a while. Fatigue is another major side effect of the radiation and the chemo, and I'm feeling that quite strongly too. I'm going to work hard on getting those naps in. Joint and muscle pain is another one that starts later in the game and sticks with you, and that's going on now too.
So, I'm basically right on track with all the things that are supposed to be going wrong! The depression is actually on the side effect list too, so I shouldn't be surprised. The shower and everything have helped on that front, so now I'm laying around on the couch with an ice pack on my lower abdomen, working on some knitting. I feel about as decent as I'm capable of, so I can't complain. Well, at least not too much...
3 comments:
ok...you are right on track, that is a good thing, right??? You already know yourself that most pain can leave you feeling weepy and depressed, remember the fibromyalgia days before the cancer stuff??? I have lots of those days...your Uncle John always asks if I forgot my meds when I get overly weepy, so...magnify that a gazillion times for what you have been dealing with and viola!, I would probably be a million times more weepy as what you are right now, so don't be so hard on yourself silly!
Now...let's remember all you have been through, physically, emotionally, physically....did I mention physically...you need to think of only you for ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!! I know you are a caregiver, it is in the Voss genes, trust my knowledge on that one kiddo...but, you have to absolutely, positively, for sure and for certain put yourself first in your healing process. Do not push youself, take as long as you can, no time limit at all...we, who all love you want you well and whole again and in order to atain that goal, you have got to think of yourself first for a change! The kids can help take care of you, and of each other, they are big enough and love you enough to help out for a long while. It won't be forever, although it may seem like it is that long for you, miss I can't be still, but, you listen to your Aunt Jeanne, you better take it easy. Your grandma is looking forward to you coming for a visit when you are better!
We are all so glad that your treatments have come to the end and are looking forward to helping to celebrate with you when you are feeling so much better! Remember, YOU first!!! If it doesn't get done, so what, who cares...or ask someone else in the house to take care of it for you...comprende??? Give my wonderful "nephew" a hug for me and tell him again how much we all appreciate how wonderful he is for taking such great care of you.
I love you...talk to you soon,
Aunt Jeanne
So let's sum up here. You went into hyper, professional patient, find and get the best treatment mode six months ago. You hunted down decent doctors, a great treatment center and with their help got the help you needed to pay for treatment. You did tons of research, went for tests, talked to everyone under the sun and finally started radiation and chemo.
Then you endured five weeks of being turned into a roasted marshmallow and will end six weeks of being poisoned on Tuesday. You've been puking for weeks, you're in horrible pain as a result of nerve damage and the treatments, you've lost enough weight to scare the shit out of your mother and you're so tired you can barely crawl up and down stairs.
You might be surprised you're teetering on the edge of depression and you're weepy, but I'm not. Reaction had to set in sometime.
And you know what? A whole lot of people wouldn't even be contemplating anything active for ...oh....months. They'd be too busy with being curled into a little ball and being miserable.
Cut yourself some slack, sweetpea. You are allowed to cry, grieve, sleep, scream, laugh, daydream--anything you want or need to do. You don't have to be Wonder Woman. Don't even try.
Listen to all the people who love you and rest. You have fifty, sixty years to deal with all the other crap, like putting away Christmas boxes. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Right now its all small stuff. Try and remember that.
Love you
Mom
Ah Steph. Go ahead and scream! Ask Lloyd to take the kids out and let it out! You have a right to scream and yell and cry. You have been through so much, don't hold it in. You will feel better to let it out. I had a lot of anger issues about stuff and I discovered yard sale plates. I had a stack of plates in the garage that I would throw and shatter when I needed to let out anger, frustration, whatever...it was crazy but oh man did it work.
I'm not saying you should go to that extreme, but you have to let it out. You are cleansing your body of all that crap, cleanse your mind and soul too. Beat the crap out of some pillows, giant stuffed animals, but don't keep it bottled up. That is not good for you.
Post a Comment