Photos galore!

Not here, but on Flickr... I've uploaded all 140+ pictures from Christmas, pictures from my Santa Cruz trip, and a bunch of randomness--birds, trees, assorted scenery & strangeness. So, if you were interested you could entertain yourself for a really long time on there.

In other news, if you glance to the right, you'll see a strange little poll. I'm just curious to see how many people out there are checking in on the blog. I don't need anyone tdo anything except click one response or another so that the tally adds up. Curiousity...

One more week!!

Week 4 is finished, and only one more week of radiation, two chemos, and three internal radiations to go!

This is just a quick update... On the way out to radiation this morning, I discovered I had a fever of 100.5, which is precisely the number they gave me as the "must call the doctor" threshold. I took some ibuprofen on the way up, hoping it'd go away by the time I got there, but no such luck.

So, I had to go upstairs to the chemo department to "confess" to my fever, so they promptly plunked me in a room. Dr. Mazj wanted lots of blood panels, a blood culture of some sort, which resulted in removing LOTS of blood. I'm serious....tons and tons!! The tech filled up a few tubes and a couple of bottles, about the size of a tabasco bottle or something.

The good news is that the standard blood CBC panel came back with a neutrophil (white blood cell) count of 5000, which is normal, if the lowest normal, so I was able to get out of there without any further needles being stuck into my arms. Whew. Dr. Mazj does NOT mess around, so you have to watch out for him! He'll have an IV going bfore you even know what hit you. But, again, it's like having an express ticket to medical care whenever I walk in their door. I am on enforced bed-rest for the rest of the weekend, which actually sounds pretty ok.

I think that's it...On Weds, it felt like a cold, Thurs, the flu, and now I'm coughing up green stuff WHEN I can get anything to break up at all. Whee.

Off to bed. Oh, wait, AFTER Ross The Intern at the Superbowl. I can't miss that.

Ross is over, NOW I can sleep, and damn do I need to!

Now, where were we....

I REALLY don't feel good....

I feel quite behind on the blogging, so lets see if I can catch up a bit. If I repeat something, tough, I'm tired.

Yesterday, after radiation, I met Dr. Whalen, who will be the main guy overseeing my internal radiation program.

I think I explained it, but the internal treatment consists of a wax "candle," a tube with a hollow center, being inserted into the vaginal canal, and a catheter threaded into that. The radioactive source material travels from the storage cabinet through the catheter into place inside me and sits there for a while. The news yesterday was that I will most likely have three insertions.

The main side effects of the internal radiation (and one of the biggies of the external) is what Dr. Whalen explains as being kind of like a sunburn. No one had really put it that way, but all of a sudden things make sense--the inside of my bladder and rectum are basically really badly sunburned thanks to being zapped for 4 weeks straight. No wonder things are a tad uncomfortable down there!

So, before they start the internal radiation program, they will do a CT scan with the wax "candle" in place, and contrast dye pumped through catheters into my bladder and rectum. If it looks like the bladder is too close to the candle, or I'm going to get too damaged, they will likely do MORE insertions (4-5) but with a smaller dose for a shorter time, to lessen the exposure of my poor sunburned internal organs.

In all though, he says that the side effects are generally LESS from the internal than they are from the external, so that is wonderful news. The three insertions will begin probably the week of the 9th, but they might give me a break and wait until the 16th. In theory, it will be one insertion per week, three weeks, then done.

DONE.

Do you know how exciting that word is? DONE as in no more cancer treatments. Done! Whee! And when we reach "DONE," I can start the clock, counting down the months and years until "GONE." I am really looking forward to both of those milestones, thank you very much!!

I don't really think about it often, but I am really sick of having to go to something. Something--some treatment, or doctor, or pharmacy or something. But I just get up every day and I keep going to whatever it is. I'm the sick person, but I feel like I haven't had a rest in forever. It really hasn't even been all that long, but it feels like forever right NOW, since I've been able to sleep without an alarm clock for 3 days in a row or something.

So, let's see, other news....

For one, I'm sick. I definitely was smart to go upstairs to the chemo department as soon as I felt slightly sick, like I was getting a cold. Dr. Mazj put me on antibiotics immediately, but since we had to wait for MediCal to authorize them, I didn't get them till yesterday, and thank god I got them, because in that short waiting time, I went from feeling like I had a cold to this amazing chest congested full of green and brown foulness I have today. Now, I feel like I have bronchitis, and BAD. Dr. Mazj is a smart man. At least after today's radiation (which I am going to beg my poor husband to drive me to) I get to sleep for two days straight if I want to.

And now, here we are at the end of week 4, and I have not become bald, so it seems that I won't. My hair has been thinning out like crazy, but apparently there is no baldness in my future. So, sorry Mom, about all the hats.... But I am actually wearing some of them already anyway! My hair is so short and so thin that my head is cold, especially going up the mountain to Paradise every day.

But, I do now have a surplus of hats. Some of them, I am absolutely keeping, and will be wearing, so I can be a Russian princess even if I'm not totally bald, and Jodi's hat will have to be pried out of my hands. I'm actually getting used to wearing hats now, and liking it. I love the MicroSpun ones Mom crocheted, because they're just enough, for the days when anything else would be too much. The ones I'm not keeping (and I'm not giving away ANY of them until I'm positively sure I don't need them!) will be given good homes with all the other patients up at the infusion center. I'm sure Mom is ok with that....aren't you?? There are lots of folks up there who will make really good use of my surplus.

So, no bald means no head shaving, but I have decided it does NOT mean no lime green hair. I think I would really disappoint all the girls in radiation if I didn't show up with some lime green hair. Since the dye is water based, and washes out in 5-10 shampoos (supposedly, ha ha) I decided that I am going to dye it this weekend, for my last week of radiation. I am NOT bleaching it, don't hyperventilate there Amber, I am just going to put it over my current colors and let it take on all those blonde streaks I've got. That should be enough to make it interesting, right?

Why the hell not. I got a punk 80s haircut at age 37, and even though I found out I didn't need to, what the hell, at least I can say that I did, and that I dyed it lime green. For the most part, my nearly-40 self would never be brave enough to do something like cut off all my hair and dye things weird colors, but cancer gives you a bit of freedom there. Do it so that you can say that you did.

I think that's my new motto, and not a bad one: Do it so that you can say that you did.

Oh, and that ridiculous dog of mine is still carrying around her peas, just as proud of herself as she was the day she got them. She's insane. But cute.

More pictures!

Ok folks, it's picture time again...
To start us off, the gorgeous draft horses of the Book Family Farm, near Chico. I'm not a huge horse person, realy, but these particular horses are incredible.

These are sandhill cranes. Finally, crane pictures! Sucky crane pictures, but still... The cranes are pretty impressive. They're huge!

And finally....snow geese! There were two huge flocks of snow geese, just past the cranes.

I SERIOUSLY pissed off one flock...

So they flew over and landed at the first flock. They actually moved closer to me, not farher away. Dumb birds.

Dumb, but pretty.

We also saw a bald eagle in flight, way up closer to Paradise than we've seen one before. No idea if it was George or Martha or one of their friends.

In other news, I definitely have a cold or the flu. Seriously. After radiation, I was a smart girl and went upstairs to chemo and told them that I had a flu, and my nurse manager, Lori, immediately went back to the doc and got authorization to put me on antibiotics immediately. Once again, the compromised immune system is priority #1, so we have to watch it rather closely.

The entire week revolves around chemo...getting ready for chemo, having it, and then recovering from it. So, I was a smart girl today. We came home from radiation, I actually ate something and then went straight to bed. No knitting, no reading, no nothing. I zonked out around 2, and Lloyd had to wake me up at 7. And I'm still tired. Very tired.

Otherwise, I don't have any updates or new information. I'm just sort of going......onward and onward.........................

Peas and peas!

The manufacturer of my darling doggie's normal "man" toys has finally made the perfect toy.

Peas for Pea!

I just had to share that. Yes, we are dorks. Big dorks.

CLARIFICATION:

I realized that most of you are probably scratching your heads wondering what a "man" toy is. These are "man" toys. They come with feet, and sometimes eyes and horns and other appendages, most of which Pea promptly removes. When we got the first one, we started referring to it as "the red man," and a trend was born. This is a portion of her collection of men...fish men, dinosaur, chicken, octopus....and now peas. Don't ask me... But these silly things send that silly dog over the freakin' MOON when she gets a new one, or is in the mood to play with one, so what more can you ask? Anything to make my baby happy

Chemo side effects bite.

Icky evil chemo side effects!!!

So, after last weekend's horrible mess of sickness, we were pretty leery this week, watching to see if the chemo was going to knock me on my ass again. Thursday-ish, it started to act like it was, so we went into damage control mode right away.

Gatorade and resting and food seem to have helped but I STILL came down with a good case of diarrhea overnight Friday/Saturday. It took two doses of Imodium to fix it. Since this started when it did, when I got up Saturday morning, I immediately made a nest on the couch, grabbed more Gatorade, and stayed very, very still. After the 2nd dose of Imodium kicked in, I felt well enough to shower, but that was it for my big exertions for the day.

Eventually, I helped a little bit with dinner making, but then I went back to staying still, and even went to bed early, and so far, so good. The diarrhea hasn't come back, although it seems to want to, and no vomiting. I think I feel well enough to go to Walmart and get my new glasses, which will make me very happy, because I really need them. I'm becoming quite blind.

So, we're heading out, and we'll see how much that takes out of me. I'm going to try and make it a short trip, because I HATE taking even 5 minutes of time out of my glorious, cancer center-free weekend. Only two more weeks. Only two more weeks.
Oh. Only two more weeks of the every day...then we move on to the other stuff. Gag.

I SHOULD have taken a picture...

But hell, at least there was no screaming, running, or anything else...just a very dignified trot to the 11 year old's room to wake her up.

Yes, the unthinkable happened. There was a frog in the house. He was perched on the lip of the big pet water dish. Emma kept circling the dish like she was afraid of something, and it took me a few minutes to catch on. I was pouring milk in my coffee and suddenly figured out what it was......and headed off to wake Anna up, milk carton still in hand.

Some mighty hunters my cats turn out to be. Both Oliver & Emma were just watching it, baffled and curious in the very nervous way.

For those that don't know, Anna is the designated Frog Hunter in the household. She catches them for fun and plays with them....OUTDOORS.

For those that really don't know, I am TERRIFIED of frogs. All this begins to make a little more sense once you know that, huh? Makes gardening up here a bitch.

But the moral of this story is that I did not freak out! I've been improving vastly since we've lived up here. I back away quietly and rapidly, but I do not freak out, and sometimes I even look at the frog, from a safe distance.

But not when it's in the house. That is still asking way, way too much!!!!

Thank god for my rescue girl!!

Radiation News!

I learned something today! I saw the radiation oncologist after my treatment, and learned something about when I'll be having my next phase, the internal high dose brachytherapy, and a little bit about what it will be like.

There is still an awful lot that I'm clueless on, but here's what I do know--Apparently, I'll be starting internal radiation pretty immediately; the week after the external radiation ends, the same week where I still have one chemo treatment left. I'll have probably 3 weeks of internal treaments, one or two a week.

During the internal treatment, I'll be in a room on a table where something that's referred to as a "candle" is placed in the vaginal canal. Amazingly enough, this "candle" is long and cylindrical and made of wax. Go figure.

{Make all the jokes you want, just remember that children read this...}

The candle has a hollow core, and a catheter is threaded into the core. Then, the radioactive source material travels from a big lead-lined cabinet, through the catheter, into the candle, to its destination deep in the cancer zone.

There it sits, happily emitting toxic radioactive particles, until such time as I've had enough, and it zips back through the catheter to its cabinet. How long it stays inside me depends on the age of the radioactive isotope. The material gets replaced on a regular basis as it ages, so it's all about where it is in its halflife--it'll stay in anywhere from 3 minutes to a half hour.

All of this will take place in Chico, and be supervised by a Dr. Wallen (if that's how you spell it) who I should meet next week up in Paradise. I thought that since I'd been told "Chico" all along that the center would be the Enloe Cancer Center. Enloe Hospital is where I had my hysterectomy back in March, and has absolutely nothing to do with Feather River Hospital and the cancer center where I'm getting all my current stuff done. So...........if this Dr. Wallen is part of Feather River, then am I having internal at an Enloe facility or a FR facility? I have no clue.

So, that's what I know today. I will, of course, post more information as soon as I have it.

Otherwise, the only other thing I know today is that it's Friday, and I don't have to be ANYWHERE for any treatment until mid day on Monday, and that means that life is grand. I can spend my weekend reveling in the rain, doing puzzles and knitting and reading and watching movies, and maybe even spinning a little! I haven't felt well enough in a long time. Oh, and making Christmas go away. That deserves a couple hours of my time!!!

My DH is going to be home with pizza any time now, so that's it for now. I am spoiled...but I made it through week 3 of this hell, and I am happy!

Picture Show!

Just a photo gallery....

I'll be uploading these (and lots more) to Flickr in the near future, but I wanted to show off the gorgeous drive I have up to my cancer center. These are some photos that show the kind of scenery I get on the way up. They can speak for themselves.

Quickies...

No, not that kind. But I am in a better mood today, since I'm not feeling quite so horrible, so I can make bad jokes. Bad jokes are a good sign.

I will have some cool pics to post later--no eagles, just cool photos from my drive to Paradise today--but for now, just a couple of quick things.

Annie--thank you for the card! It gave me a good giggle. Could you please send me your email address? I'm stephanie@blueblvd.com

Ericka--I don't have your email either. Send, please?
Thanks!!

And to all those on my Dad's side of the family--I found the weirdest thing.... I've mixed V8 V-Fusion Acai Mixed Berry Blend juice with Walmart's black cherry flavored sugar-free carbonated water (cuts the sugar in the juice so I can get some juicy electrolytes without killing my blood sugar levels) and of all the bizarre things, it tastes very, very much like Grandma's famous Christmas punch. You know, the grape juice and ice cream thing. Weird discovery, but definitely not a bad one, considering I love that stuff!!

And, I have some email to return to folks...and I will get to it...but for now I'm going to go back to goofing off and playing with my new puzzles. The cancer center has a table downstairs in the radiation dept that always has a big jigsaw puzzle on it, and everyone works on it. Anna, Lloyd and I have all gotten kind of interested, so we bought ourselves some to fiddle with. Lloyd discovered these boxes at Walmart with five 500-pc, three 750-pc and two 1000-pc puzzles in them, all in themes. We got the "Glorious Gardens" and "Landmarks" sets. The only downside is that they come in just plastic bags in the big box, so I've been sitting here fixing up good zipper baggies and labeling them, and pasting the photos of the finished pictures onto cardboard so we can store them in some nice little plastic tubs. Anal........
Now I go play.

Side-effect-o-rama

Name a side effect--I got it. C'mon, any side effect, I've got 'em all.

• Neuropathy in my thigh, legs, feet, hands and genitals
• Bladder trouble
• Diarrhea
• Nausea
• Lymphedema
• Blurry vision
• Watery eyes
• Numbness in hands, feet, fingers
• Bloating
• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Depression
• Mental confusion
• Skin irritation
• Anemia
• Loss of appetite
• Fluid retention
• Congestion, trouble breathing
• Pain......LOTS of pain, both inside and outside feeling
• Rosacea on my face
• Crampy-like feelings
• AND (I think) hair loss. I think...stay tuned.
  

Some of you wanted anger, well, there you go. I have ALL of these things, all at once, right now. All of them!
That is enough to inspire anger in large doses.

I'm angry because I feel like hell, and I can't see well enough to read, knit, or really even to do this, but at least on here I can make the font big enough that I can see it and sort out the double vision. I am pissed at the entire world right now. I guess that means I should just go to bed.

George.....AND MARTHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, I get excited about my bald eagles! We got a double sighting today, so now I know for sure that we've got a pair.

I've also learned that I was wrong about George versus Martha. I had to look it up, and according to the web, in eagles, which have little to no sexual dimorphism (differences in appearance between the sexes), the females are the bigger, heavier animals, with bigger beaks and talons.

SO, the bigger bird I've been seeing most of these times, on the right here and in the solo picture, is really Martha! George is the smaller male.

Needless to say, a sighting of both of them, together, pretty well sent me over the moon. The pictures don't do them justice, and I can't really get the photos big enough on the blog to show as much detail as they have. They are just spectacular birds!!!!

Since we were parked near them, I also got a picture of our gorgeous tundra swans. We have thousands of swans, in nearly every flooded field around.

And now, we wait.

As of yesterday, I am done with chemo number three out of six. That is a major milestone, because I've been told that IF one's hair is to all fall out, it tends to do it after treatment two or three.

Well, I made it past two, let's see how I do between three and four...
Originally, I wasn't too paranoid that it was going to fall out. Dr. Mazj said only 30% chance--but then the dermatologist ran his hands through my hair, looked at it and said, and I quote, "Your hair is going to fall out." Oh. Ok.

So, off I went and chopped, so that I could have a few little locks to save for posterity, and so that if it WAS coming out, the transition would be easier. I admit, I really miss my hair. Really miss it... But, the transition will be much, much easier, without a doubt. I've gotten used to short, and cold ears, and learning to wear hats, and those are big steps. If it starts to go, I'm ready for it, and if it doesn't, well, I will be kind of pissed off, after everyone went to all the trouble of helping me with hats and haircuts and advice and everything...but I have a cute 80s punk cut, and it will grow back.

I guess the only downside to it not falling out is that I won't dye it lime green if it's not coming out anyway, because Amber would probably kill me, having to repair the damage from 40vol bleach and lime green dye from Hot Topic!! Wouldn't you dear? ;-)

But, no matter what, this is going to be a rather nerve-wracking week. I already run my hands through it and see what happens at least twice a day. I kind of just want it to get it over with! Either do it or don't, I'm tired of waiting.

In other news, after this weekend's HELL, and yesterday's chemo, I feel like hell, but still vastly improved from Monday. I'm mainly human, just very tired and feeling really weak and wobbly. I think this is going to be a kind of fragile week for me, so I need to take it really easy and pound fluids endlessly. I am deeply grateful to the folks at the Gatorade company for making a (relatively) low-sugar version of Gatorade, so I can drink it.

Hopefully, if I concentrate on resting and fluids all week, I'll make it to next chemo without any unfortunate incidents!

I may have some company in my resting this afternoon, if my professional stepmotherly diagnosis of the little one is correct. She says she feels pukey. I think she feels unhappy about her new braces. She was in pain yesterday when they got put on, that was very, very clear. As mopey and groan-y as she was, I could tell there was very real ache going on in there, and I babied her as much as I could. She deserved it, and she needed it. She deserves a lot more babying in life than she's ever got, but I try, even though I'm not very good at it.

But today, if she really IS pukey, I can't have her anywhere near me, and finding that out made her even more mopey and teary. But, I can't take the chance of getting any form of sick at all. If my diagnosis is correct though, by the time I get back from radiation this afternoon, she will have undergone a rapid recovery from all potentially contagious physical ailments and be ready to play Scrabble or do a puzzle with me.

She looks cute with her braces, at least in my opinion. I'll have to get a picture once she's feeling a little less sorry for herself about them. One minute she's fine, like it's a cool status symbol, and the next, she's teary-eyed like she's going to just die. I suspect this is normal, yes? Her big brother is no help at all, because every time we have a question about what something was like when he had his, the only answer is "I don't remember." He's either truly that clueless, or just being a butt. Sadly, it's probably the former.

Wow...I've been out of bed less than an hour and a half, mainly sitting here at the computer, and I am so beat already, I feel like I've been exercising. I really am going to have to take it easy! Just getting dressed to go up to radiation will probably kick the hell out of me. It's about 30 minutes until time to go get showered and ready to go, and I'm feeling like it's time to go back to bed for the day. Not a good sign! I'd go lay down for those 30 minutes, but I would NOT get back up...I know myself...
Must stay upright and amuse myself and not fall back asleep!!!
I think I've covered all of the updates I wanted to update on here. I can't think of anything else too terribly interesting right now. I guess that means I'll go kill some time playing facebook scrabble. Anyone else want to play? I'm always looking for new opponents!

On hating cancer, having opiate withdrawls & needing a keeper.

Oh, how I hate cancer, let me count the ways....

Let's see...first, I got sick. It's a real question at this point whether I got the flu, had a random attack of major chemo side effects or, less likely, got salmonella from peanut butter.

Very unlikely, that last one, although I DID indulge in a pb&c sandwich on Saturday, which I couldn't get anyone else to try. Chickens. That "C" stood for cheese. For those of you making icky gross-out faces, let me call your attention to those neon orange crackers in every vending machine at every company you've ever worked at....uh huh, those. The ones with the peanut butter in 'em. So shut up.

Anyway, so I got sick. This was Saturday night. I got the aforementioned diarrhea and vomiting acid. I wanted to die. I had a fever of 101.6 at various times, which meant shivering so hard I had to clamp down so as not to break my teeth. Got the fever broke somewhere during the wee hours of Sunday morning and THOUGHT I would spend the day in a little ball.

Somewhere in there is apparently where things went an eensy bit wrong.
Let's backtrack a bit, shall we?
For those of you who aren't aware of the daily rituals and stupidity of my life, I take a lot of pills. Not shocking, considering all the conditions I have to deal with, but sometimes it's a royal pain in the ass. Well, and sometimes, it's also such a common, normal-as-breathing part of my daily life that it just blends into the woodwork and THAT is a problem.

That bit of background brings us back to where things went an eensy bit wrong. All of the various sicknesses that were pounding on me sent me scrambling for everyone's favorite gastric fix, Imodium. It worked, for as long as it was supposed to, until it wasn't working anymore, and I needed more. I spent most of yesterday either asleep on the couch, almost asleep on the couch, or just coming out of asleep on the couch, with bathroom breaks as needed. Lots of those. I didn't want to eat much of anything, drink any more than I was required to to up my electrolyte counts.

Anyone see the problem yet?

Sunday continued in pretty well a fog, to the point that I actually managed to forget what day it was, and lose Sunday entirely. Bedtime came early and was miserable. I didn't have the high fever again, just 99.somethings, chills and the vile and violent tummy rebellion. Very little actual sleeping was done.

By 3-something am this morning, I'd developed a bit of a twitch on my left side, almost like restless legs, alternating with the sweats and chills. Sometime before 5, my twitches got bad enough that I kept bonking the dog, the dog would react, and Lloyd would grump at the dog in his sleep. Finally, I went downstairs and watched CNN and romping kittycats till sunrise. At least the diarrhea had stopped. Yay Imodium!

By normal morning times of 9-ish, I finally managed to shower, and get Lloyd up and into the shower so that I could call the cancer center.

See, these chemo side effects are vile enough that I have a list of them, and any one item on the list means you're supposed to call the doc on call at any hour. I kindasortashoulda done that Saturday night... and didn't, because I was hoping it was just the flu, right? Living an hour away from the center, I am pretty leery of calling there at 3 am and being told "come now."

But by the time Lloyd was showering, there was just no way out. I was shivering, sweating, shaking, twitching and nearly screaming at times, and calling them to hear "come now" was actually very comforting, even if I knew that the trip to get there would be hell. Lloyd did get lucky on that one though--the car ride, after the first 15 minutes, acted on sleep-deprived me like it does on sleep-deprived infants, and out I went. I slept for almost 3/4 of the trip up the mountain, sparing my poor DH the endless spasms and misery.

Thank god for the cancer center. Having the cancer center is kind of like a Disneyland Space Mountain FastPass to help. They know your name and face, they know that you have serious problems, they have your file, and they do not hesitate to stick needles in you. They also have a nice team of nurses, special nurses, physician assistant and the doctor to determine just what kinds of needles you need.

It was this wonderful team of people plus my darling and devoted husband who figured out as a team what my biggest problem was, as I sat there twitching and sweating and shaking.

Aside from Imodium, we're pretty sure that I DIDN'T TAKE A SINGLE GODDAMNED PILL from sometime Saturday evening onward.
Oops.

Major oops, but understandable, in a way. I was so sick to my stomach, the last thing I wanted was to put anything else in it....but I wasn't thinking clearly. Some of those piles of pills I'm on have some serious withdrawl issues--you do NOT just stop taking them. {Yes Mother, I DO need a keeper.} If I'd dropped off one or two things, that might have been ok, but I dropped off of everything, for well over 24 hours. I went into honest-to-god, full-on opiate withdrawl! No wonder I was having some problems!!!!

Some problems...! There's an understatement. Today was absolutely fucking miserable. When they finally brought out the big gun--morphine--to fix things, dropping off to sleep was the single greatest moment I can remember.

Tallying up, on the plus side, I am now out of withdrawl, thanks to the brilliance of Lloyd, Roni, Rhonda, Lori & Dr. Mazj. Ladies and gents, you kick ass.
On the minus, I need to make sure that something like that doesn't happen again due to me getting so overwhelmed with all the things I need to take and do.

It's really easy to get overwhelmed! I have a really big job on my hands, trying to manage the cancer treatment issues, make sure I get the right meds at the right times, go to the right appointments, worry about side effects.....I don't have a private nurse to sit here with me 24/7, and when you're sick, like, got the flu sick, all you care about is laying still and hoping it goes away. And today I learned the hard way that doesn't work, and what happens when I screw up and it scares the crap out of me. If it scares me, you don't even want to know what it does to Lloyd.

So, as I sit here in my living room, and look at the carefully collected piles of Christmas that have yet to be put away, I get very, very, very depressed. I am tired of having to "manage" all of my conditions and I sure wouldn't wish it on anyone else. I can't even just get SICK like a normal person without it turning into a multi-needle affair. And, it probably isn't "SICK" like a normal person, it's probably chemo side effects causing this all in the first place.

AND I'M ANGRY ABOUT IT ALL! I'M REALLY GODDAMMNED PISSED OFF AND TIRED OF IT ALL.

This post might not make the most sense in the world, but it conveys the main point. I don't feel good, and I'm pissed off. I want my life back. It wasn't much, but it was mine, and I want it back now.

Sicky icky blech!!!!!

What a horrible, crappy-ass night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is one of *those* cancer blogs, where I whine about how crappy I feel.

I feel crappy. Actually, compared to late night, I'm in heaven. The entire night was spent barfing acid and having diarrhea. Sounds like a blast, huh? Oh, it sure was.

So today is being spent on the couch, crashed into a little ball and being very still. I can do that.

Weekend revelry

Well, as you probably guessed, there was no George sighting yesterday. A sighting would have merited a blog entry, so...

But, yesterday's visit to get nuked was short and sweet and late in the afternoon, meaning I'd had a full 24 hours of entirely cancer-crap-free time. Now, I have an entire weekend of cancer-crap-free time, with a late nuking on Monday as well. I slept in later than I'd like, meaning I wasted perfectly good goofing off time, but such is life. I am killing time right now while a child showers, then it's my turn to get clean, and then I can melt into the couch cushions to knit all day long.

As gleeful as I may be that it is the WEEKEND (and I am indeed gleeful!), I am also feeling some pretty serious effects of cancer-hell at the moment. I really, really don't feel good. I think some serious couch-melting is going to be mandatory, since nothing else seems to be working out very well thus far, including coffee. That means I'm going to have a hell of a headache later. Grr. Right now, I am lamenting the fact that I left my anti-nausea meds upstairs...Oh, but my darling husband appeared, and is retrieving the drugs. Yay for my DH. He appears at just the right moments.

So, I am nauseous, kind of dizzy, headachy, body achy, and feel generally all over physically SICK, which I'm attributing to the chemo and radiation and cancer in general. I could be wrong, but it seems like a valid hypothesis. I am also in a rather significant amount of pain, off and on, from the evil neuropathy in my thigh and genital area. Joy to the world. There's your update.

One other update, before I go off to play with yarn, I see from facebook that we are about to be treated to a new Verizon Wireless commercial featuring the one and only Dottie Jones, actress extraordinaire. Keep your eyes peeled. (Go Dot!)

GEORGE!

Finally! A photo! It's not exactly a close-up, but it's not bad for a pulled-over-to-the-side-of-the-highway, standing-on-the-bumper long-distance, high-digital-zoom. It's George! I was totally stoked.I mean, it's pretty far away, but it's also pretty obvious that this is a BIG, black bird with very white head and tail feathers. We've been seeing him in the same couple mile stretch of Highway 99 between Biggs and Oroville, just before Highway 162, heading north toward Chico, for those bird-watching geography geeks amongst us.

He's big--but a couple of times we've seen what we think is a smaller bird, which makes me think we might have a pair (logically enough, this would be Martha), and if we got a pair, and they stayed for nesting season........oooooh.....

Anyway, this was the high point of this morning's trek to Paradise for nuking. All nuked, and now I am on "vacation" until tomorrow's nuking, which isn't until 2:30. That means a 1:30 departure, which means I have nearly an entire 24 hours to do whatever I want.
So, I'm going to go do whatever I want now.
Later.

The most amazing hat in the entire history of hats!

Today I received many hats. MANY hats. My amazing mother crocheted something like 6 or 8 hats for me in about 4 milliseconds, it seems, as well as sewing me a pile of squishy, smooshy, 2-layer knit fabric hats which will be heaven for sleeping in and laying around the house.

And, her friend Jodi, whom I have never met and know absolutely nothing about, knitted me this unbelieveable, red-heathered, spiral-ridged, silk blend PERFECT hat. It is the most perfect hat in the history of perfect hats. It fits me better than any hat I've ever made, making the pattern a very valuable commodity.

This is a picture of someone else's version of the Perfect Hat.

And now I have the pattern!

I already have yarn balled up and ready to be cast on to make more of these Perfect Hats.

{Jodi, whoever you are, wherever you are, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You are one of many people who have come out of the woodwork to perform some randomly kind act for me. We may never meet, but you made a kind-of sad, depress-y day infinitely better because I got a great hat from a stranger. It sounds silly that a hat can do something profound, but it can. Being a knitter myself, I know what it is to put needles to yarn and create something beautiful, and I am therefore doubly thankful that you've shared one of your creations with me. There is something about this nasty disease that brings out the best in people, (don't ask me why!) and I want you to know how thankful I really am.}

Then, my order from the American Cancer Society catalog came, with two more utterly adorable hats I ordered, hat liners, headbands, and mesh sleep cap things which are designed to catch all the hair as it falls out.

These are my two Cancer Society hats, only of course both of MINE are black. The top one is black with an ivory "silk" flower which is sort of screaming at me to be replaced with something I've knitted myself.

The bottom one is black with a black flower.

As I opened my bounty, I was still wearing Jodi's Perfect Hat, which I had sworn to never take off.

AND THEN!

THEN!!!

Oh my...what happened next.....

I received a package with a return address from S & M Fancipance. Hmm. I had no idea what that meant (and was too spaced to recognize the street address) until I opened the package to find a card with an elephant, and some very familiar handwriting.

Scout and Megan, being the incredible people they are, found the most outrageously extravagant warm and gorgeous confection for me... and I confess, I pulled Jodi's Perfect hat off my head without even a second thought. (although it got put back on pretty soon after, and is still there...)

Oh, Mr. & Ms. Fancipance, you have outdone yourselves!!!

Behold, all, the hat which Scout feels will make me both gorgeous and warm while I am am bald.

Do hats GET any more amazing than this?

I know the photos do not do this justice...it is green fur.

The green fur is so soft and pettable that Anna and I have decided it is like petting Oz. (for those of you who have never had the honor of petting Oz, I'll clue you in--his fur is like plush velvet) The sparkles are sparkly. The lining is a silky-soft silkyness.

I am going to wear it with both pride and joy.

Scout and Megan, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am honestly humbled by all of the kind and wonderful things that people do for me, and have been doing for me since my visit from the Cancer Fairy. It's pretty impressive. It inspires me to want to do kind and wonderful things for other people, which then simultaneously frustrates me because I'm pretty well unable to do ANYthing productive!

I just keep telling myself that the time will come when I can, and that I *will* remember.

A very short blog post about blog posts titled "eeek," or something similar.......

Ok MOTHER, and anyone else who has similar concerns, I would hope that you all would assume that IF there was something happening of such great import, that I would contact you in a manner far more appropriate to the situation at hand.

Blog posts often contain very serious information, especially when I have new diagnoses and whatnot, but I try to keep things *pretty* light overall. So, when you read "Eeeeeeek!," think that I saw a frog, or a child aquired a drumset or something around that level.

The only news for the night is that I am so very, very, very tired after chemo . Too tired to write blog posts, too tired to be witty, too tired to spell anything correctly or use proper spelling and grammar, and FAR too tired to care.

I go rest now.
Love you all!

Eeeeek!

Oh lord......watching the Tonight Show, watching John Melendez (the announcer) get his nice full head of hair shaved off. I think I'm haivng a major monster of a panic attack.

Holy narcolepsy, Batman!

The main side effect listed for both my particular chemo recipe and my radiation is "fatigue." Now, some sources even list "extreme" or "severe" fatigue.

Considering that "fatigue" and even "severe" or "extreme" fatigue are parts of my daily fibromylagia life, and have been for what seems like FOREVER, I figured I could handle those.

HA.

HA.

HA.

I am pretty sure I have been asleep more hours than awake today, but at least I haven't had to go anywhere or do anything at all. It's been lovely. But, I've been up for almost 3 hours now.... G'night.

And CHOP goes the hair!

Well, it was an interesting (and very, very tiring) day. First, I visited the ever-talented Miss Amber, who made tiny braided locks of my hair to cut off before chopping the crap out of the rest of it. It's an adorable, very 80s-punk look, but of course it's very upsetting and stressful, no matter how cute it is. The photos here actually don't do the hair justice, because I'd just finished laying on it for 2 hours and then driving home and being exhausted. As to what *I* look like, however, they're pretty accurate. Cancer is very, very not pretty.
Today's agenda, after hair cutting, then ran to radiation, ophthalmology and then seeing my medical oncologist, the chemo doc. Radiation went as normal.

The good part of my eye doctor visit was that nothing compelling was found. I have a new prescription, of course, and will need to wear my glasses a lot, perhaps most, of the time. Physiologically though, there is nothing wrong with my eyes, so the educated guess is that my evening vision problems all stem from medications, radiation, chemo, and otherwise just having cancer. That's good news, but yet frustrating, because it means that there are still going to be far too many times that I can't read or do things like a normal person!

Dr. Mazj, the chemo guy, is generally pleased with what he's seeing in this very short time, except for of course the hydration issues. Next thing I know, I'm hooked back up to an IV! This is where the laying on my hair comes in... This time, I was smart, and I went to sleep. Very smart.

I am going to be equally smart now and sign off of here and go READ something while I can. Let's see how long I can stay awake....and I want macaroni & cheese. Hmm......

Water, water, water everywhere...

Nope, not a drop to drink...or at least, in my case, far too few drops getting drinked...drank...drunk...whatever the hell the proper word here is!

I'm still having nasty morning nausea, almost like morning sickness. We head out to Paradise, I try not to barf all the way there. But, at least if I do barf, it's generally dry heaves. No more fun, but far less damaging.

BUT, being so sick to my tummy all the time, means very, very little enters the tummy, which means that this whole mondo-hydration thing isn't working out at all.

So, today after radiation, we wandered upstairs to let the chemo folks know that I wasn't getting enough water in to keep hydrated, and next thing we know, I'm in a chair getting hooked up to an infusion machine. Surprise! An hour and a half or so later, I was set free, far more hydrated thanks to the fluids, and far, far less barfy thanks to the drugs. It appears that any time I'm having such issues, I can call and make an appt to go have it fixed. This is very good news.

Let's see...I think the only other updates are that I have appts with both an ophthalmologist (tomorrow) and the nice dermatologist (Monday? I forget) to get my eyes and skin dealt with. The skin, eh, whatever, but my EYES!!!!!!!!!!! Christ, this is the latest (8:34 pm) I have been able to see well enough to read or use the computer in days and it's on the way out. CAN NOT wait to find out what in hell is going on, aside from overall fatigue.

Oh, and HAIR. Well, it's time to deal with hair. The dermatologist yesterday said, very matter of factly, that my hair will be falling out soon. A nice lady (another patient) today shared some tips about how the hair is "dying" right now and what will start happening any day now. SO, tomorrow, I'm going to visit Amber in the very early morning to get some locks braided and cut off for those who might want a lock of my hair (including myself!) and then get a nice, short, choppy, flippy cut until it's time to do the shaving.

And now, the eyes are going. I've gone as far as I can go....busy day tomorrow. Stay tuned.

So, let's try a post while I'm somewhat awake, shall we? I do qualify that with "somewhat" for good reason!

Today, we went and saw Andy first thing in the morning, to address my diabetes issues and get me on a new medication for that. My old one does nasty things with the chemo drug, so they can't be used together. Now I'm on insulin. Yay. I get to give myself shots. But, I don't have to give myself shots if my glucose reading is below a certain level, which mine very often is, so it shouldn't be too bad.

I am also on a very low dose of synthroid, because my thyroid levels are a little screwed up, meaning my metabolism is a tad sluggy, which could explain a few things. We're hoping to just kick-start it a little.

In some great news, we seem to have found a combination of drugs that keep my chronic pain and the neuropathy-from-hell really damned well under control. Yay for Andy! You can not say enough for a doc who lets you figure out what actually works for you.

Radiation is getting slightly more interesting, in that I'm starting to feel some of the effects from it. Nothing major, just that I can tell its happening, inside and out.

Today was also the dermatology clinic at the center. Once a month, a big-time dermo guy from Chico comes out and does this program with the cancer patients, giving everyone one-on-one evaluation time and big bags full of big-size skincare goodies. In my case, he would like to see me in his office (complimentary) asap, because I seem to be getting some major rosacea from the chemo, which is apparently common. Major sunblock is a MUST, and he wants to look at me in depth and see about some prescription drugs for the rosacea. I guess we'll see!

I also have to make an appointment with an ophthalmologist asap, because this vision thing is totally out of control. Sometimes my glasses help, sometimes nothing helps, and the world is just blurry, blurry, blurrrrrrrry. Andy worries, because of the whole diabetes-vision connection and the potential for issues, so he wants me off to a doc asap. My wonderous social worker at the cancer center found me an eye care group who will take my medi-cal card to fix me up and they're right across from the hospital, so that should work out well.

I think that's it for now...my eyes are starting to get a little fuzzy right now, so that means I've done enough typing. Evenings are when it hits, when I'm tired....

More post when I have more to post about!

Santa Cruz, beaches, dogs, radiation and chemo...

This will likely be very short, out of necessity!
If I try to go into much detail, I'll fall over the computer again.

Santa Cruz was gorgeous. The sun came out, instead of the rain I was promised. I was pretty ok with it. Incredible weekend, relaxing, great food, great doggies and especially great company. Many more photos to come. Many.

Radiation and lymphedema clinic started yesterday,I learned how to drain my own lymph nodes on a daily basis.

Radiation was no biggie at all. Lay down, get positioned, get zapped, be done.

Today was chemo day. Repeat on the radiation, then back up to chemo lab. Only one line, and it seemed to stay where it was supposed to. So, zero IV problems.As far as I can tell, no cisplatin problems, just a good bit of nausea at times.

AND, I am falling over the computer. Zonked beyond belief.
Tomorrow is:

• 9:00 Colusa to see Andy
• 1:00 Paradise, Dermatology workshop
• 1:50 Radiation

Maybe THURSDAY I can managed to write something coherent in the morning.

Love y'all

Away to the ocean!!

I was under self-(and husband-)enforced relaxation the last couple days, and too tired to blog, so I didn't.

I forget what I forgot on the last one...probably just that I also went to the lymphedema clinic while we were up in Paradise, where two hours passed really quickly as Mary started the process of both doing my manual lymphatic drainage massages and teaching me how to do them myself. Trust me, having her do it feels way better! I go back there Monday before radiation. See, the radiation increases the lymphedema in my thighs and pubic/genital area, so I'm going to have to get really good at doing this myself, because it's going to need to be monitored every single day to decongest the tissues. Blurgh.

If anyone (Mom) has QUESTIONS about these last couple posts, since they've been kind of un-structured, please ask away! I've been too tired to write as much as I need to if I want to actually explain things properly, so ask questions. (Mom!)

Another fun part of this whole cancer hullaballoo is that I actually need to sit down, concentrate, and take the time to write up 3 lists-- medicine & vitamin dos and don'ts (e.g., no calcium or calcium rich foods 2 hours before or 3 hours after taking my antibiotic), a list of skincare dos and don'ts (what products and practices are ok, what I have to avoid) and a daily routine for weekdays during radiation and chemo. That last one is going to be a biggie--I have certain things I have to do each day for lymphedema (my drainage massage, use of certain skin lotions, a short practice of certain types of yoga poses), caring for the radiated parts of my body, things for chemo-related care, when to leave for my treatments each day, etc. There's so much of it, I actually think if I make up a real schedule, I might not lose track of half of it. Here's where that cancer secretary comes in again--the position's open, if you know anyone who wants the job. The hours are 24-7 and I could probably pay in small bits of yarn.

MEANWHILE, today I'm off to the ocean!!!!!!!! There is still a bunch I have to do to get ready, and a lot of stops along the way (including, hopefully, a nail salon somewhere) but I will, in fact, see the ocean before the day is out. Wheeeeeeee!! I'm actually shocked at how excited I am about that--not really in the little kid, bouncy, wheeeee way, but in the inside, quiet, finally-at-last way. Doesn't make sense, because it's not like I went to the beach every day when I lived in Fremont, I guess I just always knew that I could and that was somehow good enough. Being around water, even a small stream, has always done wonders for my mental state, and especially the ocean. I am going to do yoga, meditate, and relax in an undisclosed location very close to a large beach, and I cannot wait. It's a very short little micro-retreat, but it will do me a world of good, so if there's no blogging to be had, all y'all know why.

Off to the shower so I can get a few more silly things done before it's time to leave. No matter what, I keep thinking of "one more thing!"