Now, where were we....

I REALLY don't feel good....

I feel quite behind on the blogging, so lets see if I can catch up a bit. If I repeat something, tough, I'm tired.

Yesterday, after radiation, I met Dr. Whalen, who will be the main guy overseeing my internal radiation program.

I think I explained it, but the internal treatment consists of a wax "candle," a tube with a hollow center, being inserted into the vaginal canal, and a catheter threaded into that. The radioactive source material travels from the storage cabinet through the catheter into place inside me and sits there for a while. The news yesterday was that I will most likely have three insertions.

The main side effects of the internal radiation (and one of the biggies of the external) is what Dr. Whalen explains as being kind of like a sunburn. No one had really put it that way, but all of a sudden things make sense--the inside of my bladder and rectum are basically really badly sunburned thanks to being zapped for 4 weeks straight. No wonder things are a tad uncomfortable down there!

So, before they start the internal radiation program, they will do a CT scan with the wax "candle" in place, and contrast dye pumped through catheters into my bladder and rectum. If it looks like the bladder is too close to the candle, or I'm going to get too damaged, they will likely do MORE insertions (4-5) but with a smaller dose for a shorter time, to lessen the exposure of my poor sunburned internal organs.

In all though, he says that the side effects are generally LESS from the internal than they are from the external, so that is wonderful news. The three insertions will begin probably the week of the 9th, but they might give me a break and wait until the 16th. In theory, it will be one insertion per week, three weeks, then done.

DONE.

Do you know how exciting that word is? DONE as in no more cancer treatments. Done! Whee! And when we reach "DONE," I can start the clock, counting down the months and years until "GONE." I am really looking forward to both of those milestones, thank you very much!!

I don't really think about it often, but I am really sick of having to go to something. Something--some treatment, or doctor, or pharmacy or something. But I just get up every day and I keep going to whatever it is. I'm the sick person, but I feel like I haven't had a rest in forever. It really hasn't even been all that long, but it feels like forever right NOW, since I've been able to sleep without an alarm clock for 3 days in a row or something.

So, let's see, other news....

For one, I'm sick. I definitely was smart to go upstairs to the chemo department as soon as I felt slightly sick, like I was getting a cold. Dr. Mazj put me on antibiotics immediately, but since we had to wait for MediCal to authorize them, I didn't get them till yesterday, and thank god I got them, because in that short waiting time, I went from feeling like I had a cold to this amazing chest congested full of green and brown foulness I have today. Now, I feel like I have bronchitis, and BAD. Dr. Mazj is a smart man. At least after today's radiation (which I am going to beg my poor husband to drive me to) I get to sleep for two days straight if I want to.

And now, here we are at the end of week 4, and I have not become bald, so it seems that I won't. My hair has been thinning out like crazy, but apparently there is no baldness in my future. So, sorry Mom, about all the hats.... But I am actually wearing some of them already anyway! My hair is so short and so thin that my head is cold, especially going up the mountain to Paradise every day.

But, I do now have a surplus of hats. Some of them, I am absolutely keeping, and will be wearing, so I can be a Russian princess even if I'm not totally bald, and Jodi's hat will have to be pried out of my hands. I'm actually getting used to wearing hats now, and liking it. I love the MicroSpun ones Mom crocheted, because they're just enough, for the days when anything else would be too much. The ones I'm not keeping (and I'm not giving away ANY of them until I'm positively sure I don't need them!) will be given good homes with all the other patients up at the infusion center. I'm sure Mom is ok with that....aren't you?? There are lots of folks up there who will make really good use of my surplus.

So, no bald means no head shaving, but I have decided it does NOT mean no lime green hair. I think I would really disappoint all the girls in radiation if I didn't show up with some lime green hair. Since the dye is water based, and washes out in 5-10 shampoos (supposedly, ha ha) I decided that I am going to dye it this weekend, for my last week of radiation. I am NOT bleaching it, don't hyperventilate there Amber, I am just going to put it over my current colors and let it take on all those blonde streaks I've got. That should be enough to make it interesting, right?

Why the hell not. I got a punk 80s haircut at age 37, and even though I found out I didn't need to, what the hell, at least I can say that I did, and that I dyed it lime green. For the most part, my nearly-40 self would never be brave enough to do something like cut off all my hair and dye things weird colors, but cancer gives you a bit of freedom there. Do it so that you can say that you did.

I think that's my new motto, and not a bad one: Do it so that you can say that you did.

Oh, and that ridiculous dog of mine is still carrying around her peas, just as proud of herself as she was the day she got them. She's insane. But cute.